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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you live with this?

100 replies

Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:20

husband of 20 years, kids oldest 18 youngest 9.
I am mid 30's we met when we were young and were happy, or so i thought.

My husband will do anything for me, he loves me he shows me how much and tells me everyday.
But he is smothering me, he will constantly be touching me, rubbing my hair/back/ legs, he doesn't give me anytime at all to just be alone in the house.
He is constantly telling me he loves me asks if i love him, if i miss him, when i pop out and i mean pop to shops he will message me long messages about how amazing i am etc.

He was never this bad but he has huge jealously issues, we have a couple we have been friends with for years, he was adament the husband and i were having an affair which is ridiculous, we have all told him as much.

I am at home all day with our children, cooking /cleaning, i don't go anywhere to even give him any suspension.
He has told me he checks when he comes home how many cups are in the dishwasher to see if anyone had been over, he asks me why im shaving my legs or washing my hair if im going anywhere.

It came to an argument a few weeks ago when he said i didn't love him, he was a bit heavy handed grabbing my arm. Turns out he asked our 14 year old to spy on me when he isn't here.

I just can't cope anymore, and i dont want too. But to anyone i try and talk to say oh you are so lucky he will do anything for you he loves you so much. I feel like an object and not part of a marriage.

There is so so much much back story but that is the jist. Im so unhappy

OP posts:
tvsnacks · 02/07/2020 18:22

Sounds horrible. Can you leave?

melissasummerfield · 02/07/2020 18:24

Sounds like a miserable existence to me OP. Also giving your children a warped view of relationships asking them to report on you.

He needs help or you should just leave if you can.

NoMoreDickheads · 02/07/2020 18:27

He is controlling, and the pestering, grabbing you must be really annoying.

He's now turning nasty,.

Anyone would be unhappy in your situation. xxx

Hauskat · 02/07/2020 18:27

No I could not live with that at all. That sounds horrendous. Does he recognise that this is paranoid behaviour and that he isn’t well. I think he needs professional help. And I would not want to stay in that relationship nor would I wish a relationship like that on anyone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2020 18:28

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Are you able to contact Women’s Aid or go to Boots the chemist?. I say Boots because many of their consultation rooms have information and help on domestic abuse.

There is no helping him, he feels absolutely entitled to act like this and chances are his father or mother behaves the same too.

Do not continue to do your bit here to teach your children such damaging lessons about relationships.

Original poster
Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:29

I would walk away now if i could.

Financially i wouldn't be great, mentally i will be fine.

My kids tho the youngest one's will struggle, when they heard us arguing that night she was so upset daddy was going to leave, it was awful.

I just don't no how to leave or to end this? He certainly won't let me go, he often talks about how he would never let me go.
And to everyone else he is amazing, works hard (which he does) will do anything in the house needed, he literally treats me like royalty.. well he thinks he does i feel like a doll.

I just need help on what to do

OP posts:
TwoTribes · 02/07/2020 18:31

'My husband will do anything for me, he loves me he shows me how much and tells me everyday.'

He very clearly will not 'do anything' for you. He won't even give you the basics of privacy, respect and trust.

This is not love.

And no, I would not live like that.

Original poster
Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:33

sorry i missed some comment's above.

We don't see his parent's they are horrible people who husband said just never cared.
If i leave him he has no one, no where to go.

He had counselling through work and was advised that he has an unhealthy obsession with me, we have talked and talked and talked, our friends have also tried to talk to him, he just tries to be bicer do more for me, which as i see as he wants me to rely on him so i can't cope without him

OP posts:
Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 02/07/2020 18:37

This does not sound like a healthy relationship for you OP and I can see from your post this is making you feel uncomfortable.

Your Husband sounds incredibly possessive and asking your child to spy on you is not appropriate. I do not blame you for not being happy. People in real-life may say you are lucky but they cannot see that your Husband is being controlling.

I think speaking to Women's Aid would be a next good step to get some advice and additional support.

Sending you hugs x

blue30 · 02/07/2020 18:37

He sounds desperately insecure. I think only he can fix that.

TwentyViginti · 02/07/2020 18:37

Your life sounds like a living hell. He is indeed obsessed. He wants full control of you.

He is now coercing your DC into his fantasies. You need to leave him - with them- for your own and their MH sake.

You are not responsible for him - but you are for them.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/07/2020 18:39

It does sound unhealthy and extreme. Asking your child to watch you crossed a line - when many lines have already been crossed - and sends a very worrying message to your child.

There's no trust there especially if you've already modified your behaviour to avoid suspicion and confrontation. You've said a lot about how he won't cope if you separate but that really isn't your burden to bear at that stage.

TwentyViginti · 02/07/2020 18:40

I would seek urgent help. He sounds the type to spiral into becoming a family annihilator.

Original poster
Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:41

My eldest said to me the other day whixh made my stomach turn, he said i fee so sorry for dad he loves you so much and just wants to make you happy.

He will turn the older 2 against me i no he will.

I feel uncomfortable and sick most of the time, when he is at work i feel so much more comfortable

OP posts:
BlessYourCottonSocks · 02/07/2020 18:42

It does sound awful and smothering. I couldn't bear it.

And as @TwoTribes says - he won't even give you the basics that all humans should have.

I'd be saying, No, I can't bear you if he asked me if I loved him one more time! Seriously. Please make plans to leave.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 02/07/2020 18:42

My first husband was like this -horredous. Often said "If I can't have you , no one will" made me feel that he would kill me one day if I left.

I got my ducks in a row and left and divorced him. Please leave. This is an abusive relationship.

CuppaZa · 02/07/2020 18:43

It’s like you’re married to your stalker

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 02/07/2020 18:43

@TwoTribes

'My husband will do anything for me, he loves me he shows me how much and tells me everyday.'

He very clearly will not 'do anything' for you. He won't even give you the basics of privacy, respect and trust.

This is not love.

And no, I would not live like that.

Yes. Asking your children to spy is awful and abuse of them.
Original poster
Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:45

I do feel like i have married a stalker, im reading it all back and my god i can see it more.
How do i even start it all. Like i said he wont give up on this, he will not just walk away

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 02/07/2020 18:46

That’s no way to live op i suggest he goes to the gp and get more counselling. Or you make plans to leave. Do you work as presumably prior to this pandemic your dc would be all in school all day

What does he say when you tell him how miserable this makes you feel ?

Original poster
Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:54

He doesn't think there is anything wrong.

I do work just as a cleaner tho school hours. Don't earn alot.

Husband earns alot

OP posts:
sunshinesheila · 02/07/2020 18:55

He sounds very controlling. Be careful. I would be making plans to leave. The kids will see when they are out of there that you should end have to live like that.
If you stay they will think this Is a normal way to live and it is not.

Get your ducks in a row. You can do this!

Bunnymumy · 02/07/2020 19:02

This isn't love. It is more like coveting an object.

I think if you make to leave, you have to go fast.
Is there somewhere you (and the younger kids maybe) can go and stay long enough until you find a new place to live.

And I would outright tell my 14 year old that love and obsession are not the same thing btw. They are old enough to know dads behaviour is not ok.

user1471464702 · 02/07/2020 19:10

Love let’s people be who they are enables and encourages freedom and promotes the other loved ones needs above their own but not at a personal cost to their own self worth or feelings - Was there a trigger for this new job another child death of parents or sibling perhaps sending Cake

Original poster
Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 19:10

Unfortunately there isn't anywhere to go, i couldn't leave the older 2 that would stay with them that i took the litte ones and left, i say little they are 9 (twins) and 10.

I never thought this was abuse, i mean someone loving you so much and doing anything they can to make u happy as such.

Oh i habe told the older 2 that there dad should never of put that on them it was completely out of order as they shouldn't have to worry about things like that

OP posts: