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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you live with this?

100 replies

Pinkbubbles12 · 02/07/2020 18:20

husband of 20 years, kids oldest 18 youngest 9.
I am mid 30's we met when we were young and were happy, or so i thought.

My husband will do anything for me, he loves me he shows me how much and tells me everyday.
But he is smothering me, he will constantly be touching me, rubbing my hair/back/ legs, he doesn't give me anytime at all to just be alone in the house.
He is constantly telling me he loves me asks if i love him, if i miss him, when i pop out and i mean pop to shops he will message me long messages about how amazing i am etc.

He was never this bad but he has huge jealously issues, we have a couple we have been friends with for years, he was adament the husband and i were having an affair which is ridiculous, we have all told him as much.

I am at home all day with our children, cooking /cleaning, i don't go anywhere to even give him any suspension.
He has told me he checks when he comes home how many cups are in the dishwasher to see if anyone had been over, he asks me why im shaving my legs or washing my hair if im going anywhere.

It came to an argument a few weeks ago when he said i didn't love him, he was a bit heavy handed grabbing my arm. Turns out he asked our 14 year old to spy on me when he isn't here.

I just can't cope anymore, and i dont want too. But to anyone i try and talk to say oh you are so lucky he will do anything for you he loves you so much. I feel like an object and not part of a marriage.

There is so so much much back story but that is the jist. Im so unhappy

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 05/07/2020 21:26

Yay, good news!
Change the locks before he changes his mind and comes back!

Original poster

Pinkbubbles12 · 05/07/2020 21:30

I can't change the locks unfortunately, but the chain will be on

OP posts:

billy1966 · 05/07/2020 21:40

Well done OP.
Key in the locks of all doors and chain on.

Hope things get better for you.

SoulofanAggron · 05/07/2020 21:49

Well done OP. xxx Stay strong, please don't have him back. Please keep us updated as to how things go with you. xxx

Original poster

Pinkbubbles12 · 05/07/2020 21:52

It's an annoying door or the inside it has a lock instead of needing key if that makes sense, the chain in on tho.

I feel strange, guilty i guess, the kids no something is going on and were crying because daddy was leaving, we said he was off to work but they know something is up. How do you even have that conversation with them?

OP posts:

cakeandchampagne · 05/07/2020 21:55

“......he often talks about he would never let me go.”

Get some help & get out.

ChampagneCommunist · 05/07/2020 22:13

That's great news. What happened to make him go?

SteelyPanther · 06/07/2020 08:03

Well done.
You need to be strong now. Just be truthful with the children, no lies, but age appropriate.

Original poster

Pinkbubbles12 · 06/07/2020 08:03

He wanted to talk, we did and he asked what i wanted, i said for him to go, so he left

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 06/07/2020 08:43

Do you think this is some kind of grand gesture?

It seems strange that he would just go. Surely he is too obsessed to just leave you in peace.

Original poster

Pinkbubbles12 · 06/07/2020 09:36

More than likely, this wont be the end of it, but he knows he can't get to me now, i have my sister who is a fierce protector of me and my 2 amazing friends, they have all said that what i have chosen they will help me

He is staying at his friend's for now

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 06/07/2020 09:39

Do you think he will just drop his obsession, or will he start stalking you. It seems so odd that he's just meekly agreed to go.

Unless he has gone to another woman?

angieloumc · 06/07/2020 09:57

I do hope he stays away OP, you have been very brave in telling him what you want.

Daftapath · 06/07/2020 11:07

I would assume that he will 'change his mind' and decide to col e back again.

I know that you cannot legally change the locks but do you have another door that you could use and keep the chain in the front door? When I eventually got my XH out (and before I got to court for occupation and non mol), I used a side door (that he didn't have a key for) to come and go and kept the front door bolted and the key in the garden door. It was inconvenient but the security of knowing that he couldn't just walk in was huge!

Painterpatty · 06/07/2020 11:34

Please please remember that this is the moment that you are in the greatest danger 💐

What this man was subjecting you to was not love. It was extreme possessive control.

He is the type of man that thinks “If I can’t have her then no one can”

You and your children are objects that he possesses, your lives are his to control in his mind.

I am terrified for you and I am sorry that I am writing this message in a scarily direct way but this is a man who you may let back in the house just “to talk” in a few days, or a week, or a month and he harms you then.

Someone else already mentioned the “family annihilator” 🥺💐

You are not safe yet x

TheSparklyPussycat · 06/07/2020 11:36

Does your lock have a little metal thing - a latch/snib - that has 2 positions. This is to lock the door from the inside.

Tappering · 06/07/2020 11:47

You need to speak to the police. You don't need to escalate anything but you need a marker putting on the house as you are very vulnerable. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Please be very careful and do not trust him.

WhenPushComesToShove · 06/07/2020 11:53

How strong you are. Power to you in these frightening circumstances

billy1966 · 06/07/2020 12:29

I really agree that you should contact the police and let them know that you have asked your abusive husband to leave.

You need your phone number registered for fast response OP.

Original poster

Pinkbubbles12 · 06/07/2020 17:22

Thank you all gor your messages.

He came to see the kids and i went out 2 mins before so i didn't have to see him.

He was messaging loads how he wants us to be a family bla bla ive said he needs to stop and that we are done and if he keeps on then i shall block him.
His last message was he will fight for us and not give up.

I sat down and told the kids, few tears and lots of reassurance and they are ok.

They have gone to my mums for dinner so im going to get on top of everything here so we can have a movie night when they are back

OP posts:

cakeandchampagne · 06/07/2020 17:29

It’s good that your sister and friends are being supportive. They need to be careful too.

Tappering · 06/07/2020 17:51

His last message was he will fight for us and not give up

He's not listening to you. You need to speak to the police. What are you going to do if he turns up and refuses to leave? He's being semi-cooperative right now because he thinks he can talk you round - and when he realises that he can't then he's liable to turn nasty. He's already said loud and clear that he won't give up - and given the level of his obsession with you, he's unlikely to give up and walk away.

I think there is a real risk his behaviour will escalate. Get a marker put on your house. Talk to the police for domestic violence support. Make sure you have an escape plan if you need to leave the house in a hurry. If he still has keys then he can go round when you aren't there - keep birth certificates and passports with a trusted friend or family member.

Fairenuff · 06/07/2020 17:55

OP I know nothing about your DH other than what you have posted here and I knew he would not be gone. Did you know that?

You're not really giving much insight into your understanding of his behaviour.

This is a man who has obsessively controlled you. Do you honestly think he is going to go away?

What do you think he will do next?

People are tying not to scare you but I think you do need to know that you and the children are at risk.

RedOasis · 06/07/2020 17:56

Think you have to explain his jealousy is starting to ruin the relationship. No reason not to trust you but acting like this? One would think perhaps he is the one with something to hide? Is he online for work? This is not healthy. Think ultimatum either get help and stop or leave. U cannot live like this with someone watching your every move. And it will not just get better sound like it has the capacity to get worse. So sorry you are struggling with this. Have you family you can turn to ? Someone for support for you and your kids? He should not have involved kids in his suspicions doesn’t sound healthy

Dery · 06/07/2020 18:09

@Pinkbubbles12

Wow - you've been really strong and done incredibly well in dealing with this so efficiently. That said - if you can parent 5 children including, at one point, three children under 2 then you can do anything, I should imagine!

I agree with PP that the way he is behaving right now probably doesn't represent how he will behave once he realises that you're serious about the marriage being over. He could turn rather nasty. Just be prepared for that and prepare your friends for that, too. I think it would be worth mentioning the situation to the police so they know to come fast if summoned.

But you've clearly got this. Onwards and upwards, OP.

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