Could you live with this?

[Pinkbubbles12]

husband of 20 years, kids oldest 18 youngest 9.
I am mid 30's we met when we were young and were happy, or so i thought.

My husband will do anything for me, he loves me he shows me how much and tells me everyday.
But he is smothering me, he will constantly be touching me, rubbing my hair/back/ legs, he doesn't give me anytime at all to just be alone in the house.
He is constantly telling me he loves me asks if i love him, if i miss him, when i pop out and i mean pop to shops he will message me long messages about how amazing i am etc.

He was never this bad but he has huge jealously issues, we have a couple we have been friends with for years, he was adament the husband and i were having an affair which is ridiculous, we have all told him as much.

I am at home all day with our children, cooking /cleaning, i don't go anywhere to even give him any suspension.
He has told me he checks when he comes home how many cups are in the dishwasher to see if anyone had been over, he asks me why im shaving my legs or washing my hair if im going anywhere.

It came to an argument a few weeks ago when he said i didn't love him, he was a bit heavy handed grabbing my arm. Turns out he asked our 14 year old to spy on me when he isn't here.

I just can't cope anymore, and i dont want too. But to anyone i try and talk to say oh you are so lucky he will do anything for you he loves you so much. I feel like an object and not part of a marriage.

There is so so much much back story but that is the jist. Im so unhappy

Trigger for this behaviour , new job etc soz

no trigger as such, when i pregnant with our 2nd so about 15 years ago he did cheat on me, i found out (sorry i did say alot of backstory) and it's like he has been trying to make up for it all these years.

I don't drive so he used to go work and 'accidentally' take the pushchairs or car seats so i couldn't actually get out anywhere, i had 3 babies at 1 point 11month old then newborn twins, so it was vertually impossible to go anywhere without the pushchair, but of course it was a accident. Or when they got older and i didn't need to buggy he had 'accidentally ' taken my bank card.

Now i have more of a opportunity to go places (before covid) if i wasn't working 1 morning i would meet a friend for a cuppa etc he piles on the love.

I have had my suspicions that a affair has happened again in the past, could it be the guilt?

Might be off base with this but out of interest, how is his behaviour towards other women? Have you ever came accross anything dodgy on his computer and..

.if he is asking the kid to spy on you...it isn't too bug a leap to wonder if he has set up hidden cameras...or spyware in your devices...

I'm afraid you're in deep shit because your husband is deeply unbalanced. None of his behaviour that you've listed is normal and obsessiveness like this can turn very very nasty if you're unlucky.

You need outside professional advice on how to handle this. Seriously. Women's Aid, charities that deal with stalking / divorce, even non-urgent police.

Well often people project When unfaithful so was also going to ask if you suspected an affair - he is behaving suspiciously towards you when he is the one cheating and a common trait iykwim it’s classic cheating behaviour and not kind or loving it’s controlling and unkind not the fruits of love and caring

He is fine with other woman, not distrespeful at all, open doors, polite, kind. Everyone loves him.

I do worry about what he will do if i leave him, as i said on my first post he has been heavy handed, and i wouldnlike to say he has never hit, pushed,punched me ever. But last year i picked his phone up to look at the time and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it, claiming he is planing a supprise he didn't want me to see, and of course now he says i can look at his phone anytime. And then when we had this argument and i went to walk away he grabbed my arm so hard it left a bruise, he has never in all the 20 years before this been like that ever, not even shouted at me. But then again i have never tried to leave so i do worry what he will do.

This whole thing sent a shiver up my spine. I really really fear he’s going to badly hurt you. He sounds like a nutter and none of the nice things he supposedly does can make up for this stalkery possessive control.

I think you need the help of women's aid for this, they can help you leave safely.

Don't stay for the kids. I used to beg my mum to stay with my dad and she did. As an adult I can see how fucked up their relationship was. I resent her for staying tbh - it was never my decision. I just didn't want things to change, even though they would have been for the best. You aren't modelling healthy relationship to them, especially if he's recruiting them in keeping an eye on you.

Be strong op. You can do this. The only thing that's keeping you there is fear. You can be happy.

Your thread has given me chills. My XH became a bit like this towards the end of our marriage. He used to suddenly turn up from work in the middle of the day. Park outside haphazardly, come in the house, check all the rooms and then go back to work! When we eventually separated, he seethed with anger and became very verbally aggressive. I think he could have been physical but didn't get the opportunity. I had to go to court in the end for a non mol and occupation order. He kept turning up at home, only for 10 minutes or so, to see I was home, wouldn't have the kids (wouldn't be my babysitter), parked outside the house, phoned the kids to check I was home and one morning, tried to break in. He even called the police in me when I locked him out and wouldn't let him in.

I second that you need the help if an outside agency. Women's Aid would be a good place to start. Try to remain 'normal'. He will pick up on your vibes and sounds as though will escalate. Please keep your phone charged and on you at all times. If need be, dial 999. That may actually be the quickest way to get him out if he escalates.

I was meaning more like, creepy with/about other women..? Though I suppose it would be difficult to know.

I just have a feeling if you did some digging there would be some disturbing finds.

Omg he has done that too daftapath, he will say he is coming home at one time and manages to get home really early apparently to supprise me.

I have no way of checking anything, he said im free to look at his phone anytime and he leaves it around to make a point, there will be nothing on it.

To be honest if he was having an affair it would be doing me a huge favour as i wont feel the guilt of breaking up the family.

What's the house situation op? I mean do you joint own or...

I'd think I would be running like the clappers. Two kids under each arm like suitcases lol.

Defo speak with womens aid. When he isnt in ot die home obv...infact, maybe outside of the house entirely.

*or due

I’d bet my house he’s projecting and he’s actually the one cheating. I thought it all along but your update about his behaviour with the phone sounds highly suspicious.

He sounds unhinged tbh. Hope you have some real world support to get away. Make sure you cover your tracks on here, sign out and clear browser history etc.

I have no way of checking anything, he said im free to look at his phone anytime and he leaves it around to make a point, there will be nothing on it.. It’s all on his other phone. The one he got just after grabbing your wrist when you tried to look at this one.

We rent unfortunately, but i have read i will get help with that id needs be.

I have just looked at rental properties if i should leave, there is sod all big enough for us and i need to keep near the school as i dont drive. I love this house and our landlord i really don't want to move.

I have a great couple of friends and sister who i no will support me 100%
My mum is great but very old fashion in the fact i should be grateful he helps around the house etc, she thinks he is a 1 in a lifetime, i will not get support there, more than likely the opposite.

Funny enough that's how he managed it last time with his other phone, although his behaviour was obvious he was up to something.

I have been reading up on it, it looks like it is obsessive love

He has just got in from work now, i will log off and be back in the morning.
Thank you all so much for helping me so faf

It look more like obsessive controlling behaviour to me.

The fact that you rent is actually a good thing. Easier for you to go. You don't need a place big enough for all the kids. At least not straight away. Just a couple of bedrooms. Different kids can stay over on different days if need be.

I get that you love your home but...it isnt safe with him in it. Ideally he would leave but that will be easier said than done. Maybe speak with your landlord and see if s/he can give you notice? And then renew the contract - but with just you on it.

Pinkbubbles. I started to wonder if I had written your posts in my sleep, there are many similarities!

My STBX was very similar. It is suffocating and draining and no one else knew there was a problem, in fact everyone told me how lucky I was...and yes, my mum loved him and still does, and thought I was just awkward and living in a dream world.

I have left after a big argument a year ago and it is very hard. He threatened suicide, told my son it was all my fault (did a really good job of trying to turn him against me), tracked my car, threatened my social media contacts, got my mum completely on his side, made constant 'dark' threats about karma and how he will beat the living daylights out of any new man...but all rather cleverly so there was never enough to pin him down for, even though it was obviously him iyswim.

He has had many flings since I left and I suspect he was never completely trustworthy. Again, would hide phone and then suddenly invite me to look at all his emails etc. But, apparently if he can't have me no one can and he uses the kids as a reason.

So what have I done? I have got a new job and am making new friends. I found out who I could trust. I was honest and stable with the kids, didn't badmouth their father and told them I loved them and was there for them always etc etc. I work really hard at keeping them well and sane and we are getting there. I came off most forms of social media and kept contact minimal. I am trying to get a divorce but he is resisting. I am sorting out debts and money. It is slow, I am poor!

I took advice from a Psychologist and, on her advice, offered hope so he could adjust when I first left. Suggested I needed time away, but there was no 'end game' to start with. This was so I could leave safely. Womens Aid were fantastic. I stayed kind. The panic and anger is horrible to witness, so I made sure I was calm and firm but never nasty.

I have experienced terrible, gut wrenching guilt and sadness, I am often very tired and I don't feel too well...it is really hard, but I have also felt relief and I have not doubted that life is going to be better.

You can get away, there are lots of posts on here where people thought the same and managed to get away. I could not tolerate the suffocation. Please don’t let him stop you having a life. Imagine still living like this in 20 years.

This sounds so hard, he would like to hold you prisoner, no life, no freedom and all because he can't trust. WA will help, please get out, your DH n

Sorry, your D H needs help

So we talked last night, he seamed generally understanding, he asked me to give him a month and i said i will and if by the end of it i still feel the same he will let me go.

Then today, well it's our friends fault, i value them over him, he isn't obsessive anyone in love would do the same bla bla.

He is going to talk to our friend today (the one he thinks im having an affair with) and i don't no what's going to happen.

Either way, i am getting everything together, looking up properties, benefits and all i need to no. By the end of the month i will be gone

Is he planning to go round to your friend's home or talk to them on the phone? Do you think he might be a danger to them?

Dont forget to cancel your name and bank details off all the bills if you are leaving the flat to him.

If he knows you are thinking of leaving then I think you would be wise to go asap.