Could you live with this?

[Pinkbubbles12]

husband of 20 years, kids oldest 18 youngest 9.
I am mid 30's we met when we were young and were happy, or so i thought.

My husband will do anything for me, he loves me he shows me how much and tells me everyday.
But he is smothering me, he will constantly be touching me, rubbing my hair/back/ legs, he doesn't give me anytime at all to just be alone in the house.
He is constantly telling me he loves me asks if i love him, if i miss him, when i pop out and i mean pop to shops he will message me long messages about how amazing i am etc.

He was never this bad but he has huge jealously issues, we have a couple we have been friends with for years, he was adament the husband and i were having an affair which is ridiculous, we have all told him as much.

I am at home all day with our children, cooking /cleaning, i don't go anywhere to even give him any suspension.
He has told me he checks when he comes home how many cups are in the dishwasher to see if anyone had been over, he asks me why im shaving my legs or washing my hair if im going anywhere.

It came to an argument a few weeks ago when he said i didn't love him, he was a bit heavy handed grabbing my arm. Turns out he asked our 14 year old to spy on me when he isn't here.

I just can't cope anymore, and i dont want too. But to anyone i try and talk to say oh you are so lucky he will do anything for you he loves you so much. I feel like an object and not part of a marriage.

There is so so much much back story but that is the jist. Im so unhappy

Then today, well it's our friends fault
He has not listened to a fucking word you have said.
HE cannot possibly be wrong.
Now his obsessive, overbearing, stalker behaviour is your friends fault!?
HOW?????
He really is not the full ticket OP.
Get any valuables and sentimental stuff packed up.
Put is somewhere safe.
Get an overnight emergency bag sorted out for you and the DC.
He honestly sounds quite dangerous.
Have you warned your friend?
Is he going round to see your friend?
I'd tell him to get out now and tell your DH that this is a deal-breaker.
He isn't listening and if he so much as tries to blame your friend for HIS OWN behaviour then he won't even a get a month.
You will be gone by dinner time!
Please take back control OP.
Stop allowing this madness!

OP, your posts are chilling.

He is abusive.
He has hurt you.

He is completely controlling.

Please ring 101 and tell them you are afraid.

He has made threats about what he would do if you left.

He is not a good man.

He sounds like such a creep.

Stay safe.
Tell family and friends that you want out and need help.

Don't mind your mother, she clearly hasn't a clue and is useless. Pay her no heed.

Did you notice what you wrote there in your last post ‘if I still feel the same he will LET me go’ (my capitals). He will permit you to leave? Does he own you? This whole relationship is so deeply flawed, and you are understandably afraid of what he can you. Afraid of his wrath, of him turning the children against you, afraid of him not letting you live in peace. But you don’t live peacefully now, and there are ways out. @hellsbells talks a lot os sense, get yourself prepared to leave. For your sanity and the benefit of your children. Look after yourself and consult a lawyer as soon as you can, knowledge is power!

He is already warping the children's idea of normal which is why they are saying stuff like, he just loves you and wants you to be happy. Their own relationships in the future will likely follow this pattern.

This is controlling, abusive and rings massive alarm bells for me. I am interested in true crime and situations like this rarely end well. I would leave but be very very careful. I would even have a chat with women's aid and the police to ask for advice on how to safely end things.

The fact he has nowhere to go and no other close relationships also means he could be very dangerous

Yes friend knows, we have all been friends for 15 years, a married couple and we do things as a family alot, our kids are same ages and are so close.
Friend knows about everything and said he will talk to him if he wants him too. They are out now somewhere so waiting to hear back from that.
If anything happens that he was agressive in anyway we will be gone, other friend (the wife) who has absolutely no problems.or thinks we are having an affair is on call to grab me at any moment i need as is my sister who lives 5 minutes away.

I don't think me and the kids will leave, he will, the kids are settled here and if need be i will call the police, my sisters partner has said if i feel threatened in anyway he will be here in seconds, and if he doesn't go i will call the police. Our landlord is amazing and will support me and be happy for me and kids to stay as not many places accept benefits by looks of it, plus looking at prices smaller places are so much more money, we really are lucky to be in this house.

Luckily tonight 3 younger ones are staying at my mums as they tend to on a friday eve, and havent for months so that's come at a good time.

I have no idea about lawyers, are they expensive, im guessing they are. I will have to see how i can get to one or call one when he is out.

Funny enough work sent him home as its dangerous for him to do his job whilst he is in the state he is in, which is actually true but he has been signed off for 2 bloody weeks.

Sorry if any spelling mistakes im on my phone writting quick as trying to get bits together whilst he is out

I hope you are ok OP.

Hide your important stuff. Protect yourself here. His -behaviour- over years is what you have to look at and respond to, not his words.

he won't let you go without one truly epic fight, and you're going to have to be very canny.

he often talks about how he would never let me go.

Brrrrrr.

I'm glad you're feeling psyched up to throw him out OP. I wouldn't wait a month, you're feelings aren't going to change.

I look forward to hearing all about your journey to freedom and onwards. xxx

Morning, talk with friend went really well, i think he can now see a little of his obsessive nature.
For me tho it's not changed anything.

Still getting myself sorted and fully prepared to be booting him out

Good luck.
Stay strong and ignore any promises to change. You and your kids deserve better.

He is emotionally abusing you.

Get out.

pink take advice on what's likely to happen when you kick an obsessive man out. You're in for a rough ride, lovely, but being prepared for some of his tactics might help you.

OP are you both in the tenancy agreement? I can't remember whether you have said.

This may have an impact on whether he can legally just refuse to leave or even come back if you do actually get him to leave. You need to get him off the tenancy agreement.

I think you are actually going to have to be prepared to go to court to get an occupation order and non molestation order. He won't be leaving you alone. You may need evidence for a non mol though. This is where women aid can help, with information and support.

“Morning, talk with friend went really well, i think he can now see a little of his obsessive nature.
For me tho it's not changed anything.”

Right. So if I understand it right he will listen to a man, and believe a man. But not you. Also remember the experience you had with him last night.

Please be careful. Your H’s sense of entitlement was so huge and his selfishness so complete that he was willing to trap you and your young children in the house. That’s shitty for you and it’s actually also pretty shitty for them. That’s 6 people - the people he should want the absolute best for - whom he was willing to leave without means of transport and/or without money for days out. Just think about that. It was always a horrible thing to do but just imagine if there had been a medical emergency.

And, while I’m sure you love your twins to bits, would you have chosen to have them only 11 months after having their older sibling, particularly when you already had two other little ones to look after. Maybe you have boundless energy and I’m projecting but I think most of us would have chosen a longer gap between children than that. It’s been a very effective way of keeping you pinned down, hasn’t it?

In a mad way, I almost think it would have been better if he had hit you. As it is, he’s been able to dress this behaviour up as love for you. But it isn’t love or not healthy love at any rate. It’s about possession - he thinks he owns you.

Please stop discussing plans to leave with him. I think he could become very dangerous. As a PP said, this sounds like it could stray into family annihilation territory. He already thinks that it’s acceptable to imprison you at home and that was when you had no intention of going. He follows you round the house, spies on you, creates this myth that you’re having an affair so he can justify further restrictions on you. There has been serious psychological and emotional violence. He hasn’t been physically violent yet because he hasn’t needed to be. Don’t let that fool you.

I’m reading In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser, and the author talks about a scale of abuse which he has developed. He says it is useful as a rough guide but not more and gives an example one of his clients who, on the scale, had suffered moderate rather than severe abuse but who was subsequently murdered by her H.

So please stop telling him about your plans. Take the steps you need to to get you and your family away from him but just don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing.

Am I being thick - if you've been together 20 years and you're only kid 30s you got together when you were like 15?

@Cherrybakewellard
No, you are not being thick. That is indeed what the OP said. She also added that they met when they were young.

To answer a few questions, yes we were together young, married at 18 first baby at 19. We have been together 20 years married 18 this year.

He really isn't violent he is a huge softie, and i no it can change i no i never no what could happen but for right now we are safe.
Also if he is arrested or anything he will lose his job, i would not hesitate to call them and my son certainly wouldn't let his dad do that, he is a big lad.

Dery that is chilling, thank you very much for the advice. I won't be telling him my plans, so today we will have a chat and i will make out things are fine till i make my move.

I really can't just walk away asap, i need to get things in place, i have not a penny no savings anything so i cant rent anywhere else yet.

Monday i will walk the dogs alone and make my calls.

We do have joint tenancy, which really isn't going to be a problem, worst case scenario i will leave with kids to go to my my sisters or something.

I'm glad you're leaving, be really careful though, this kind of delusional jealousy is actually really dangerous. Thinking along the lines of if he can't have you, no one will.. definitely call the police if you feel at all uneasy. And he is violent, from what you've already described. Grabbing you, bruising you etc is violence.

Thank you all so much for the support, i don't think i would of attempted to leave if it wasn't for you all.

@Pinkbubbles12 - you seem really sorted. I’m sure you will make this work. And yes, acting as if everything is fine is the safest thing to do at the moment.

I would talk to someone at women's aid. Your situation terrifies me. He sounds like someone who would be very dangerous if you left.

Don’t let having no savings put you off renting now. You’ll be eligible for housing allowance and discretionary grant to cover first month rent/deposit, I’d have thought. Especially considering your circumstances.

Oh really? I didn't no that i could get help with a deposit.

We have been renting this house for 10 years and our landlord hasn't increased our rent, but looking at houses now even 2 bedroom places are much more than we pay now, and im pretty sure that only a certain amount of rent gets paid to help, i dont want to add more money pressure.

There’s a Local Housing Allowance rate which will apply. Round here, in the desolate North, it’s 500 a month; it’ll vary area to area though. If you go on Turn2Us website you can do a full benefits screen to see what you might be eligible for; Universal Credit, working tax and child tax included.

Just an update, he is gone!

I told him to leave and he did, very uoset but he has left.

It's been a long emotional day