Wendy's back and in my face: What would you do?

[FeministEndorsingWomensSpaces]

Long time lurker on MN and it's been really helpful for the situation which I've been through. I've been Wendied over the last 2 years ... it has hurt like hell at times (suicidal moments, anxiety disorder and depression) but I'm almost out the other side and now have medication and a great therapist and I have done a LOT of work on myself. Current challenge is that we live in an Expat community in the Middle East and I have just found out that Wendy plus Friend (and yes, I did introduce them to each other) are going to be flying out together on the same flight as me and my family. They are leaving for good. Neither with have DH with her but will have their 3 kids each. I return next school year. Wendy has gone silent, not even telling me who told her about our flights. Friend is turning into a bit of a 'flying monkey' and messaging to say "it'll be a party xx". An upgrade to business class is too expensive but seats are available on the flight the following day . My H and kids are supportive and know the situation. I am done with faking that things are OK just to keep up appearances, so the one thing it won't be is a party. What would you do: (a) ignore the whole thing and binge watch Netflix; (b) take the game to them; (c) change flights to the next day and chill ?

So have you changed your flights?

I don't really get this (sorry). But unless they are sat directly behind you or next to you how will they impact this flight? it's not as if you are in a room together? I would just take the flight, smile sweetly and get on with your life. End of.

It is pretty clear that the advice differs according to whether the poster "gets it" or not.

Cosmos they'll likely be stuck in the same boarding area for ages. I hate boarding areas even when I know nobody!

I'm happy to admit I don't "get it" as I've never been an expat (thank God) and wouldn't lose my time or money for twats I don't care about and will never see again. If OP feels differently then of course she should do as she prefers, but she doesn't need our permission to do it.

It looks like this new woman didn't feel close to you, but got close to your friend. She worked towards her own friendship group and arranged days out and get togethers with people she wanted, but didn't invite you.
Did you arrange anything and your friend said no? Or did she arrange group outings and didn't invite you?

I hope you're not one of those people who turn to friends and say "I'm the one who's your friend, not her". I really dislike people like this. And if you've pushed your friends, I can imagine they weren't very happy to be stuck between you two.

I do hope you have changed your flights and enjoy a very large G&T as you celebrate a happier future, whilst remembering what goes around, comes around.

I do hope you have changed your flights and enjoy a very large G&T as you celebrate a happier future, whilst remembering what goes around, comes around.

I think we all "get it" there can't be a person alive who hasn't been hurt by a dwindling friendship, or the feeling that they are being deliberately left out of something.

We will have different ideas on how to handle it, though. And OP asked wwyd so people have said.

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of potentially thinking "oh FEWS couldn't face getting on the same flight, I see".

Whatever happens OP, I hope you enjoy your time in Wales and can forget about this sad episode once and for all.

I think the question comes down to 'I don't get on with these people, and I have the option to take a different flight from them, so should I?' I would.

lweji yes that must be it... even though we engineered and introduction between these friends in the anticipation that they would gel well and enhance the group dynamic, we must be possessive, jealous friends who have to be prioritised in all things and every time, like spoiled children...

Or

It’s like I said...falling foul of calculated bullying and the devastating revelation that your friends really don’t give a fuck about you. Wendies count entirely on your rhetoric to get away with being extremely unpleasant to their victims indeed. It’s not that your understandably hurt and distressed at being subject to a sustained campaign by narcissistic bastard to freeze you out, it’s that you’re ‘jealous’.

They derive pleasure from crushing people because they are so deeply insecure they can’t be just be part of group, they without feeling like they have to beat someone in order to ‘win their place’. That’s what I think. That’s what happened to me. The real tragedy of course, is that my friends went along with it.

In the years that followed I had a handful of apologies because they know I was treated appallingly. I appreciated the validation but other than that, my interest in rekindling anything was zero. It changed me.

It as I said, calculated bullying

Oh and lweji sorry - you will be right about jealous people in some instances. I didn’t mean to direct all that at you specifically.

When it’s happening to you you are pretty powerless to rail against being painted as jealous and needy.

So many typos. I’m on my phone...clumsy paws.

If my narc ex was on the flight, I'd change flights. Life's too short to put myself in a situation that causes me great stress, especially if there is an option to avoid.

So.....change your flight, and opt for peace and quiet.

Op I have to say this: so forgive me, but why on earth are still even speaking to the other friend (not Wendy) in the first place? She has completely screwed you over, as well as Wendy, and damaged your mental health almost beyond repair, and yet you are still speaking to her?? It beggars belief. You have to cut them off, and I mean totally cut them off or you will never be rid of them no matter where you live in the world.
They will always be able to reach you and hurt you. As pictish said, there should zero interest in staying in touch, it would be better to be alone in the world, than to have even fleeting contact with these nasty bullies.

I suspect the truth of the matter was not your friend preferred Wendy, at all, it was simply more fun because Wendy had all the nights out, weekends away and was socially more active than you. Nothing more than that. And yes people can really be that shallow! You could have done the pick me dance and competed with Wendy, but why would you? You are a grown woman and you get to choose how you socialise.

It took me a long time to recognise social climbers, shallow friends and those that were always on the look out for the next best thing. They are friends with everyone, but not in any meaningful way.

Let them go - vow to choose new friends much more carefully You deserve much more.

Not speaking about OP's situation, because obviously none of us know the details of that, but as a general principle...is it shallow to prefer being friends with someone who's more socially active? Friendship is partly about socialising; obviously some people are more introverted or "homebodyish" than others, but if you do like going out with your friends, is it shallow if you find someone who's also into that and will do it with you? Or if, say, Moira arranges more social get togethers than Angela, it's just natural that people will go out with Moira more, simply because she issues more invitations.

I’m sorry I don’t get this at all. I have been an ex pat - and a playground mum. I’m aware of a playground mum who ignores/doesn’t like/speak me. The mum I’m friendliest with IS her friend - they meet up a lot - but this doesn’t bother me at all? I’d never dream of asking her to choose between us!! And I’d happily sit near them on a plane! Is this weird of me?

Change the flights, definitely. So what if she knows you did so and is pleased by it? What she thinks of you is irrelevant. Do what you want to do, and it doesn't sound like you want to share your air with that woman. Why make your journey any more stressful than it needs to be? Why put yourself through being near a nasty piece of work if you don't have to?

Enjoy the beach in Wales :)

shelba I agree, it is usually fine to choose friends that are socially active, especially if you like going out a lot etc of course, but what has taken place does not sound like that to me.
It sounds like they have chosen to exclude op in a very hurtful way, freeze her out of their plans. That is very different to simply choosing fun friends. I will op explain, but for me that tips into bullying.

@Lickmylegs0

I’m sorry I don’t get this at all. I have been an ex pat - and a playground mum. I’m aware of a playground mum who ignores/doesn’t like/speak me. The mum I’m friendliest with IS her friend - they meet up a lot - but this doesn’t bother me at all? I’d never dream of asking her to choose between us!! And I’d happily sit near them on a plane! Is this weird of me?

If so, I'm weird too...but I don't think anyone's weird, it obviously just affects people differently.

I haven't had the plane issue, but I was once invited to a wedding and sat on a table with (though not next to) someone I'd fallen out with. I knew she was going to be there, was surprised to be on the same table but I wasn't next to her so it was easy to ignore her and just chat to the nearest people. I did occasionally catch her giving me evil stares but I just ignored it and it didn't bother me. I wish her no ill but I wasn't going to let my celebration of a dear friend's happy event be affected by what a plonker was thinking. She didn't come on the dance floor once (it was huge, easy to stay out of someone's way) but sat with her husband with a face like a slapped arse the whole evening. I don't know if this was anything to do with me and nor did I care. I was celebrating a happy event. And I was pissed as a newt too, of course.

It really wouldn't bother me if some bellend was on the same plane as I was, especially if she was in sole charge of her three kids and I had my own children, husband, Kindle and in-flight entertainment to keep me distracted, and I knew I'd never see her again anyway. I would actually be annoyed with myself if I lost time and money changing my plans because of said bellend. She's not worth it to me. That said, if OP feels differently then she should do what's best for her. She doesn't need permission from any of us.

I suspect you were never very good friends with the slapped arse woman at the wedding, so you felt indifferent to her feelings.

I too have been in the same position many times with people I don't like, and did not care.

A dynamic with Wendy is very different. Op will invested a lot into her friendship, perhaps relied on her friend in many ways and was caught off guard when they turned against her. In an expat community where it is very small and confined socially it is possible they made her life a living hell. She will explain I am sure. But your comparison does not come close to the anguish of being cornered into the friendship that has turned toxic thousands of miles from home and other support.

I would go on the flight, sit in my seat, nod a hello and then talk to my family/watch a film etc. It’s not like you’re encouraged to be out of your seat anyway and I assume especially not at the mo.

@pigeon999

I suspect you were never very good friends with the slapped arse woman at the wedding, so you felt indifferent to her feelings.

I too have been in the same position many times with people I don't like, and did not care.

A dynamic with Wendy is very different. Op will invested a lot into her friendship, perhaps relied on her friend in many ways and was caught off guard when they turned against her. In an expat community where it is very small and confined socially it is possible they made her life a living hell. She will explain I am sure. But your comparison does not come close to the anguish of being cornered into the friendship that has turned toxic thousands of miles from home and other support.

No, we were close for a number of years. She is definitely not a bad person, in fact she is very nice and generous when she likes you. I would tell you why we fell out, but I don't actually know. I did ask at the time but got no reply. I must have done something but if neither I nor anyone else knows what it is, I'm not going to torment myself about it. I was sad, as it's obviously not a nice thing to happen, but tbh I wasn't the first friend of hers to get this treatment and I certainly wasn't going to use someone else's wedding to play head games.

I'm sure problems of this kind are magnified in expat communities but that's one reason why I'm so glad I've never been part of one and hope I never am.

I would most definitely upgrade to first class if I had the money, and give them a little wave as you turn left!

@GreyShadow

What the fuck is a Wendy?

Yet another misogynist term of negativity which applies only to women.