Wendy's back and in my face: What would you do?

[FeministEndorsingWomensSpaces]

Long time lurker on MN and it's been really helpful for the situation which I've been through. I've been Wendied over the last 2 years ... it has hurt like hell at times (suicidal moments, anxiety disorder and depression) but I'm almost out the other side and now have medication and a great therapist and I have done a LOT of work on myself. Current challenge is that we live in an Expat community in the Middle East and I have just found out that Wendy plus Friend (and yes, I did introduce them to each other) are going to be flying out together on the same flight as me and my family. They are leaving for good. Neither with have DH with her but will have their 3 kids each. I return next school year. Wendy has gone silent, not even telling me who told her about our flights. Friend is turning into a bit of a 'flying monkey' and messaging to say "it'll be a party xx". An upgrade to business class is too expensive but seats are available on the flight the following day . My H and kids are supportive and know the situation. I am done with faking that things are OK just to keep up appearances, so the one thing it won't be is a party. What would you do: (a) ignore the whole thing and binge watch Netflix; (b) take the game to them; (c) change flights to the next day and chill ?

Tbh, if they've got three kids and no husbands,, they're likely to be too distracted to cause you any drama. Maybe you could secretly feed the kids a pint of Red Bull each just to make sure.

No brainier, change flights, don’t tell them, block and delete and good fucking riddance.

You win in the end, just because you know you’re a far nicer person than either one of them.

I don’t miss living abroad! This is so common! This wasn’t “you”, it was them!

I’d change the flight. Don’t tell them. If anybody asks you about why you changed your flights look surprised that they’d ask, say “the earlier flights were more convenient” with a shrug. Don’t get drawn into any drama. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what Wendy and her friends think, what matters is that you can enjoy your flight, and enjoy going back to your ex pat community in September knowing they won’t be there!

@TwoTribes

Change the flights. And maybe consider stop calling her a Wendy.

Why?

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley

Go on the same flight or else she will know (and get pleasure from) that you have made a change. Ask to be seated away from them.

It doesn’t matter what they think, they were planning on having a Hilarious Time while pointedly ignoring OP, and who gives a fuck if you’ve taken a decision to not be put in that situation

Course the other option is to say “I was booked on this flight all along... perhaps you got it wrong Friend..” and then they look the idiots

Either way playground bullies can only do their thing if people are in the same playground...

@KingofDinobots

I’d change the flight. Don’t tell them. If anybody asks you about why you changed your flights look surprised that they’d ask, say “the earlier flights were more convenient” with a shrug. Don’t get drawn into any drama. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what Wendy and her friends think, what matters is that you can enjoy your flight, and enjoy going back to your ex pat community in September knowing they won’t be there!

If you do change the flights claim some misunderstanding

I would change the flight without a word too. They don’t need to know and you don’t have to explain. Never bother with either of them again.

Change the flights. Don’t communicate about when you’re leaving on the flight. Wave them goodbye with a one finger salute 🖕🏼

Also to those saying OP should stick to the flight so as not to give them the satisfaction...no. OP would be denying them the satisfaction of their ‘party’ for her. They can’t rub it in her face if she’s not there.

There is no incentive for OP to share that flight if she doesn’t have to.

Radio silence. I love it.

With three kids each and no co-parent on a flight, I'm honestly not sure how much of a party they could possibly be planning. I also suspect that various posters on here have some slightly inflated ideas about just how much headspace and plotting these two women have put into this. I really think y'all are giving them far too much evil war strategic genius credit. The "it'll be a party" comment just sounds to me like someone trying to defuse it. Stupidly and clumsily, given the situation, but it didn't read like a threat.

Personally I wouldn't go to the trouble and expense for the sake of a pair of twats whom I don't like and am never going to see again, especially if I've got my whole family with me and they've got only their kids. If you would, though, then I certainly agree you don't need to tell anyone why. Is someone changing their flights really such hot gossip in expat communities?

Hi OP

I'd normally say just go and ignore, if you're not sitting next to them you can get out of seeing them

However if the situation has made you feel suicidal then I'd either speak to your therapist about how to deal with it, or just pay to change flights if its stressing you out that much.

What did the original friend say about the whole situation?

@pictish

I also think that unless you’ve ever been the target of a Wendy type of person, you might struggle to understand the impact that they can have on your life, along with the realisation that your ‘friends’ place no value on you and are happy to go along with her calculated bullying.

This phenomenon does come up on mn and there’s always a few who scoff about how ‘playground’ it all is. They clearly haven’t got a clue.
It happened to me once, many years ago. It was incredibly nasty, hurtful and my self esteem was destroyed. It took me years to get over it and to this day, I am wary of getting too close to friends and never rely on anyone but myself. I have trust issues I will never resolve.

Change the flight. X

I agree and esp when you live in an expat bubble . If you haven't done it then you really wouldn't get this .

Of course you change the flights, you do not tell them, and you cancel the free entertainment they were planning on by having you there. Block both from now on. Neither should have access to you.

I understand how hard it is to be in this position with friends, I expect you depend on them alot as you are in the ME together, what I am less clear on is how they have been allowed to damage you to this degree?

it has hurt like hell at times (suicidal moments, anxiety disorder and depression) but I'm almost out the other side and now have medication and a great therapist and I have done a LOT of work on myself

You were suicidal because of them?? Just them?

I get that it is painful, but honestly op this is very serious. Why have you stayed there? This is pretty serious stuff, and you have children.

I wondered if the ‘party’ text was a smoother as well...but in this case I’m going to defer to the OP regarding the context. She would know.
It’s not that I think they’ve got a big plan up their sleeves or anything...I’m simply of the opinion that it’s a stress the OP doesn’t need to go through.
My strategy in dealing with people who have made me feel really sad is to avoid them.

I'm really surprised by the number of people telling you to change the flight. Can't you just ride it out for a few hours? With any luck you'll make your 2 ex friends feel slightly uncomfortable which would be a bonus. I think you would feel strong and invincible if you didn't change your plans.

Change flights, it means you won’t spend the next few weeks worrying about it and you know you’ll be able to relax and enjoy your trip. Your mental health is more important than worrying about what awful things a pair of horrible bitches might do.

chic I think that would be okay if op had coped with their previous behaviour, but given she already has anxiety and is medicated, I would not take the risk personally. They sound awful op, you are well rid of both of them.

chic - maybe in a movie. In reality, it’s an emotionally charged, potentially upsetting situation that the OP can bypass with ease. It’s a no brainer.

I've had this happen to me. I was so hurt and upset by it. The rest of the group said "this is awkward for us but we know you through Wendy. We don't wanna cut contact but you know she's very upset." Wendy had told a shedload of lies about me.

Luckily for me I had other friends who saved my sanity. But it was very very hard.

Since then they've been getting in touch and trying to revive things - no idea what has happened to prompt this. I'm always friendly but super busy. The hell with them.

If changing the flights is not crazy expensive then do it. Just cut them out of your life completely.

If it is too expensive then be very busy with your own family. Keep your distance.

@FeministEndorsingWomensSpaces your own option c tells you what you should do

(c) change flights to the next day and chill ?

CHILL... see that? That’s what you need to do, chill and not let them get to you

Not letting them get to you in this circumstance means taking your ball back and rising above their petty behaviour

They’ll wonder why you’re not on the plane, they can wonder all they like but you will never ever have to hear them, see them or know of them again. That means YOU make the closure you need and it’s a massive fuck you to them.

And. They. Will. Know. This.

You on the other hand will fly home with your family in peace knowing that you’re free of them, that they won’t hurt you ever again

Revenge is a life well lived and you will live better than that sorry pair. You know this deep down!

Well done for posting for advice here, this shows that you’re stronger than you think you are.

Change the flight op and have a happier time. That way there's nothing left to stress about

It is really, really important to be kind to yourself.
I have been through major trauma and have found out who my real friends are. I no longer bother with the people who weren't there for me. It is easier.
I am firmly in the change the flight camp.

It's a no brainer. If you can, change the flights.

If you can't, just go and mind your own business and ignore her.
Most people tend to stay in their seats during flights anyway.
And she's not important. You've already allowed her to affect you too much, and I think you should reflect on why.

There's a lot of replies here from people who just don't get it. This isn't high school. Op can't just ignore it. To belittle it and minimise in that way is harmful.
Dealing with a narcissistic friend is horrific and I fully believe her when she says she's been suicidal over it.
Op, I've been there. Take a different flight, don't give them the satisfaction of being able to study you for signs of reaction. Don't explain. Don't engage. If any third parties ask, a simple "it worked better for us" and non-committal shrug. End of convo.
I hope you've already blocked both of them from any online or phone contact? Once they're gone you can begin to rebuild.

Replying to: "What did the original friend say about the whole situation?" She has said different things at different times. When Wendy first invited her (but not me) on a girlie trip, she said she had no idea I would be so upset and she felt awful as she could totally relate to the experience (I think most of us can, but it's very magnified in these artificial Middle East communities of SAHMs with too much time on their hands, I mean back in the UK I'd have to work and my head would be full of other stuff). A few months later she said "I am friends with both of you" "I have no preference between the two of you" but Wendy really works the social networking hard (I don't) and is very good at it, so over time I think Friend has drifted towards her rather than me. They've had two more trips "a deux" since then, although their kids are at different schools and they live 20 mins from each other. I live two streets away from Wendy and haven't even been invited for coffee. It has been so many life lessons - I grew up in a Northern working class community where this kind of middle class shenanigans just doesn't happen in the same way. I can not wait until they go back to Surrey, and in a few weeks I'll be walking on the beach in Wales. Fuck'em.