Other women’s husbands?

[Bluebellsky]

Hi there, I was wondering what other women’s husbands are really like when it comes to engaging with you, engaging with your children etc.
The reason I ask is my husband of 16 years is completely detached emotionally from me and our children.
I have just returned from a 4 day stay in hospital with our youngest. She has been diagnosed with a chronic illness. While she was in hospital she underwent a huge amount of tests which at times she found very distressing. As it was for me to see her so upset. I only heard from my husband once a day and that was when I contacted him to update him on what was going on. I didn’t get a single text to see how I was feeling or how I my daughter was coping. When we got home, I’m exhausted. The house is a mess and nothing has been done.
When we are home, most of the time he just sits and watches TV or is on his phone, he never does anything with the kids. If we do anything as a family he spends his time watching videos on YouTube.
He doesn’t help with bedtime either, I will brush the kids teeth, get them ready for bed, he will come upstairs once I’ve done all the “work” to say good night. We alternate kids for a bedtime story, except he doesn’t read to them, they watch videos on his phone, or search up toys to buy.
I would love to know what it’s like for people behind closed doors as I know people can be good at keeping up appearances to others. Is it normal for men to not be any support emotionally and to essentially neglect our children’s needs?

Has he always been like that? Or could it be depression?

I would say my husband is great with kids, really involved and does loads, but not so much with me. I think it’s related to how his own parents/family were, in that his parents put all the effort into the kids. So I often don’t feel supported emotionally, at all. He doesn’t check in with me during the day, or when he's away. I had a difficult pregnancy and he wasn’t interested. I have a long term health condition and he doesn’t know what it is. But he’s really into being a Dad.

What is the actual point of him though?
I can't see anything he brings to the table.
Does he do his fair share of housework?
Does he work full time?
I honestly cannot see there being any benefit of him for you or your DC.

Or could it be depression?

Why on earth would you think that?

Thanks for your reply. He’s always been like that, I guess I just didn’t notice for along time. I’ve asked him in the past if he was depressed, he just said no, he didn’t have room in his brain to be depressed.
I think you make a good point about how his own family were. My husbands family are terrible communicators, not close, and my husband does not speak fondly of his childhood when it comes to his parents. So I guess he probably doesn’t know how to be emotionally available.

It's not how nice husbands behave, OP. It is how waste-of-space husbands behave, though.

What is the point of being married to a man who can't even be bothered to ask how his sick child is? Who can't be bothered to read his own child a bedtime story? He's absolutely bloody useless. Aren't you furious?

Hellsbellsmelons. I don’t know what the lint of him is to honest. He does work hard, but in all other ways in being a husband or father he’s completely absent. He is good at DIY too. But nothing that really counts when it comes down to it.

No, I would say that's not normal but then I've got a relatively "good" DH by mn standards.

DH would be besides himself if either of our children were in hospital. He would probably prefer to be the one with them even though he hates hospitals. If he was the one home the house would be tidy and meals would have been taken care of.

I'm currently on mat leave with our second so the dc are my responsibility 8.30am-5. We alternate lie ins and the other will do breakfast and getting dressed. I'll have sorted the kids tea by the time he finishes work but he joins in mealtimes and then he'll do bath, stories and bed, although I'll assist with pjs and milk and if one cries. I'll also normally do dinner but he's able to and we used to split the cooking before kids. If I'm still doing that then he'll run the hoover round when he comes down. If either of the kids wakes up we normally Rock Paper Scissors it but we're equally happy to go up and settle them.

What's your DH's excuse when you ask him why he's not pulling his weight?

I have asked him for a separation. He just thinks I’m being menopausal (I’m not). And that we should wait 5 years and see how things go. I flat out refused to do that, but he won’t acknowledge we are not together. We haven’t been in the same bed for almost 2 years and he seems happy to carry on plodding along, pretending all is ok.
I guess I put this post up to see if there really are husband out there who are there for their kids and wives, or if it was just something that’s on TV and in movies...I think I know the answer, but it’s good to get other people’s perspectives.

He sounds completely disengaged OP or detached. Like there's him and then there's 'the family' which exists away from him. He's like an onlooker. Most fathers who loved their children, would be very concerned if they were undergoing lots of tests, wondering if they were in distress or needed anything.

Have you spoken to him about it?

It is indeed how not nice or otherwise waste of space husbands behave. The man did not even bother to go with you to hospital with his child, let alone contact you when you were both there!.

Re your H what do you get out of this relationship now?. I would think that over the years he has ground you down into not feeling anything re him. What do you see the next year like if you choose to stay with him?. He is very much a product of his own repressed upbringing but that is no excuse or justification for his lack of action now.

Wow, you have a good husband there! My husband did absolutely nothing when our kids were babies!
When I’ve spoken to him about him always on his phone etc, he just replies saying so am I. But I’m not, if my kids are talking to me I make a point of listening, when they want to do something I do it. I use my phone when they are in bed, or playing togther.

1235, I haven’t had a chance yet, we got home last night and I was so tired I went straight to bed.

Atilla, I get nothing out of it to be honest. I have no love for him at all. My worry is now with our daughters illness is that I am going to be financially dependent on him for quite a while as I won’t be able to work in order to be available to my daughter should she become unwell.

It sounds like your marriage is already dead I'm sorry to say. You could try councilling but if he's not willing to engage then you need to walk away. You don't want his behaviour as a role model for your kids, they learn what happy relationships are like from you both. Do you want them to aspire for the same? You could be so much happier on your own or with another partner who is actually a partner and not a bystander. Goodluck.

Why wait 5 years?This is who he is. At a crisis time he gave a damn about no one but himself. Leaving you to endure all that at the hospital and then come home to a messy house. He is a lazy, selfish pig.

Why wait 5 years to separate? I'd start now. Life is too short. He sounds like he gives nothing towards the relationships with you or his dc.

And to answer your question, no, not all husbands are like this. My dc father is 50/50 on everything. Housework, kids, schooling, everything.

Thank you. We tried counselling this time last year, he refused to keep going in the end. Said I was just using it as a platform to give all the reasons why we should break up. Rather than looking at it like al the r da sons things are going wrong and need work! He missed 2 appointments as he “forgot” then stopped going.
I absolutely agree, I want to set a great example to my kids on what a good relationship looks like. And I know he won’t be the one to provide it. I just don’t know how to make him see it’s over.

"I guess I put this post up to see if there really are husband out there who are there for their kids and wives"

Yes there are.

And what is with him wanting another give years?. No chance.
Don't give him another 5 years of your life either; start divorce proceedings as soon as you are able to do this.

It doesn't matter if he sees it as over or not. You tell him you are done and if he wants to bury his head in the sand, work away, but it wont change the proceedings.

Are you still doing his laundry, cooking, etc? Because if I were you that would all stop immediately.

I just don’t know how to make him see it’s over.

Divorce tends to do the trick.

He sounds useless OP. Sorry that you are living this way. My DH is very engaged with our life, and our kids. When DH is home, he tends to put our youngest to bed (does the bath, story etc). He takes the kids on days out when he's off, he gets them involved in projects like den-building. I probably take care of the more day-to-day stuff just because I am here more (he's military and is away quite a lot). Even when he's away, as long as he has internet he video-calls them to say goodnight, every night without fail. He's even taken them on holiday to Europe once by himself, as I had to work and he was on leave. What you are describing isn't normal. It's crap, and I don't see what he's contributing to your life apart from stress.

My husband is absolutely there for me, whenever I need him. Sometimes we drift a bit in terms of spending time together but we both acknowledge when we don't see much of each other or other stuff starts taking over and we correct it. He is 100% there for ds and wouldn't dream of not checking up on him if he was in hospital. I found out my Dad was ill the other day so I would love to go and visit him, my husbands response, "just go, that's fine" (It would be an overnight away). You shouldn't have to fight for help or attention.

My husband is extremely engaged with me, my activities, feelings, worries etc. He’s the same with the children. He always been a fully participating parent and very hands on with the children. When the kids have had hospital stays, we have shared out the care between us. He’s extremely thoughtful and I know I’m very lucky.
I’m sorry you’ve had to manage a very stressful hospital stay on your own without support. If I were you I would go and get some legal advice re splitting. Get all your ducks lined up before you tell him that it’s over, if that’s what you ultimately decide. Hope your little one is ok and good luck going forward 💐

I don’t know what the norm is but my exh was exactly the same as yours, except he didn’t even go upstairs to say goodnight. Good at diy and practical things but otherwise completely disengaged from family life. He regretted it after he left and we tried again but it was too late for me.