Other women’s husbands?

[Bluebellsky]

Hi there, I was wondering what other women’s husbands are really like when it comes to engaging with you, engaging with your children etc.
The reason I ask is my husband of 16 years is completely detached emotionally from me and our children.
I have just returned from a 4 day stay in hospital with our youngest. She has been diagnosed with a chronic illness. While she was in hospital she underwent a huge amount of tests which at times she found very distressing. As it was for me to see her so upset. I only heard from my husband once a day and that was when I contacted him to update him on what was going on. I didn’t get a single text to see how I was feeling or how I my daughter was coping. When we got home, I’m exhausted. The house is a mess and nothing has been done.
When we are home, most of the time he just sits and watches TV or is on his phone, he never does anything with the kids. If we do anything as a family he spends his time watching videos on YouTube.
He doesn’t help with bedtime either, I will brush the kids teeth, get them ready for bed, he will come upstairs once I’ve done all the “work” to say good night. We alternate kids for a bedtime story, except he doesn’t read to them, they watch videos on his phone, or search up toys to buy.
I would love to know what it’s like for people behind closed doors as I know people can be good at keeping up appearances to others. Is it normal for men to not be any support emotionally and to essentially neglect our children’s needs?

Nope, mine is the complete opposite of your description OP, the only similarity is that he looks at his phone a lot.

If one of our kids was in hospital he'd want to be there and if he couldn't be there he'd be frequently checking in with us. I know from experience. And would be doing what needs doing at home in the meantime.

Yours sounds awful. Life's too short for living it this way.

I'm sorry all I can think is your poor, poor children. They live in a house with a parent who does not love them in any way. That is a massive deal. How must that feel for them?

If you split them they don't have to see that total lack of love every day, and maybe someone else in the future could go some way towards healing some of that. But staying is just a slow death for them and you.

You'll have to tell the kids yourself, but separation while under the same roof is hard for some people to understand.

Uh, no, sorry that’s not how other husbands are. He sounds like an inconsiderate asshole.

Obviously under the current circumstances, only one parent at a time in hospital is the norm. But when my youngest was in hospital for a few days last year dh was on the phone to me constantly. And normally, yes, he does most everything when he’s home. In normal times, I’m at work 6:30am to 7-8pm several days a week, he does everything from getting dressed to going to bed on those days.

@SandyY2K

You'll have to tell the kids yourself, but separation while under the same roof is hard for some people to understand.

Yes, it will be hard for others to understand. I'm a firm believer in the saying "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" My family and friends know I have tried for a long time to get my husband to step up, but he continues to bury his head. Staying in the house is our only option right now as I have nowhere to go amongst many other reasons.

@Vodkacranberryplease

I'm sorry all I can think is your poor, poor children. They live in a house with a parent who does not love them in any way. That is a massive deal. How must that feel for them?

If you split them they don't have to see that total lack of love every day, and maybe someone else in the future could go some way towards healing some of that. But staying is just a slow death for them and you.

I think he loves them, but is incapable of showing that love due to his own disfunctional childhood. I agree that we will die a slow death emotionally and mentally if we do it his way and see how things are in 5 years!

@equuscaballus

His 5 yr terms are for his vanity only and not for the sake of the family.

I tried the "pretend we aren't separated" thing and really all it did was build resentment.

Who wanted to pretend? What happened in the end?

@istheresomethingishouldknow

I'm sorry, OP. He sounds completely disengaged and he clearly doesn't care if you're happy or fulfilled or not. His basic needs are being met, so he doesn't give a shit about yours.

Life is short.... tell him you don't even want to wait 5 days, let alone 5 years ... he can't avoid this any more ... you're miserable and you want out.

Thank you, you're right. He's only thinking of himself. He actually said to me that "he was lucky to find me. He won't find anyone else, and he'll end up one of those sad losers who props up the bar every night because his wife divorced him" I told him he didn't have to be that person, we all have a choice on how to life our lives. But he seems to prefer to wallow in self pity. All of this certainly doesn't make me want to be with him any more than it did before!

@LOTTIE881

He sounds horrible!!!! Didn’t check in on his own child and you whilst you stayed in hospital? That to me is a dealbreaker, he should have provided you with unconditional support. Total deal breaker in my opinion, it’s made me feel really sad for your daughter too, you must be emotionally and physically exhausted - you deserve better

Yes, he should have! I feel so sad for my children that I chose a man that cannot be any support to them. I had my own self esteem issues at the time and didn't know any better I guess.

It doesn’t matter what other people’s husbands are like, the question you need to ask yourself is “do me and the children deserve better” and the answer is yes.

You might think he loves them, but they do not see or feel that love. Subjecting them to this because you don't want to see a fucking solicitor and fight for what is yours and theirs is just shit. IMHO.

My husband has always been a hands-on dad. Did bathing; changing nappies; play time etc and even now does homework and extracurricular stuff with DS who is a teen.

He helps around the house; bins, dishes, shopping, bathroom etc
He’s also very handy with DIY and loves to be kept busy.

With me he is very attentive. We are together constantly when we aren’t in work. He is soppy, sweet, loving, tactile, kind and grateful for his nice family and home. We have a good sex life and are very affectionate towards each other.

We’ve been together since school, around 25 years.

I think we do well together because; we share interests, we are both neat freaks, we have the same hobbies, we have the same job and the same time off (teachers), we earn identical amounts and have no money worries. We only had one child and no pets, so stress and work levels all low.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be with someone so disengaged with family life. You must be exhausted and lonely. You deserve better than that, so either he pulls his weight, or consider looking for someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

I separated from my husband in awful circumstances when my children were 4 months old and 20 months old. On Christmas Eve. It was heartbreaking, obviously. But we have a better relationship than what you have described and he is far more engaged with our children that how you describe your husband, even though he lives elsewhere. It sounds like a soulsucking environment to live in and I think you need to be free from this asap. It need not have any impact on his relationship with the children; in fact maybe it will force him to make an effort. And it certainly sounds to me like you would be far happier.

My husband is kind, caring and generous. Happily reads bedtime stories, buys more books, does bath time, teeth, hair etc without any prompting, if he is in the house he is focused on us. He will also work extremely long hours when necessary, including nights, without taking it out on us on his return. He deals with the garden, with DIY, with my poor health all with a positive attitude that the children see and respond to. Oh and he also manages to be a great stepfather to teens too - volunteering time and energy for activities that keep their bond strong.
He doesn’t cook but does clean and always deals with the kitchen properly after I have cooked. We are a good team.
My father was pretty much the same, and he’d be nearly one hundred now...there isn’t actually any excuse for lazy, mean-with-time/effort/affections men.

@Vodkacranberryplease

You might think he loves them, but they do not see or feel that love. Subjecting them to this because you don't want to see a fucking solicitor and fight for what is yours and theirs is just shit. IMHO.

I never once said I won't see a solicitor. I have been to citizens advice, so I know my rights. We are separated even if he won't tell anyone. What has been holding me back is his resistance to telling the kids and his family. I don't want to have to tell the kids on my own, as I think that'll be more confusing for them. I will have one more conversation with them, if he doesn't agree then. I'll have to do it, but this isn't about me not wanting to see a solicitor.

@BrummyMum1

It doesn’t matter what other people’s husbands are like, the question you need to ask yourself is “do me and the children deserve better” and the answer is yes.

Thank you, yes we absolutely do!

. I don't want to have to tell the kids on my own, as I think that'll be more confusing for them.

Well you will be waiting a long time for him to do what you want. They will understand just as well from one as well as two parents. What is the real reason? Are you afraid you may look like the bad guy or something?

He doesn't care about his kids to visit when sick so why would he care about telling them you are separating in a kind way? Just do it and get this moving.

Well you are living in the house with him. THEY are living in the house with them. There were plenty of 1950s dads who didn't help out, maybe worked too much but loved their children and made them feel safe and secure.

CAB is not a solicitor. Living in the same house is not separated. Having a dad who doesn't love them or show it is fucking parental neglect. I'm usually very supportive on these posts but you appear to be wilfully ignorant.

People spend years in counselling because of cunts like this man. They grow up unable to form attachments to men or have relationships. This could have been your own father for all I know.

Yet here you are subjecting your own children to this. Your little girl was in hospital and he didn't give a fuck. What is her blueprint for life now? That no man will love her? That no man will treat her well or care about her? That she's not important?

Think for fucks sake. And see a proper solicitor.

And as for wanting him to do x and y and waiting for him to agree. Seriously there are not enough rolleye emojis for this one 🙄. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

And self serving, selfish, and as I said before wilfully ignorant. What kind of grown up thinks that this is going to happen. You need counselling of your own if you think this is a) needed or b) likely.

I'm a firm believer in the saying "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter"

This is so true. It's one of my beliefs too.

If he doesn't want to tell his family, then so be it. That shouldn't stop you heading in the direction you want to.

@Vodkacranberryplease

And as for wanting him to do x and y and waiting for him to agree. Seriously there are not enough rolleye emojis for this one 🙄. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

And self serving, selfish, and as I said before wilfully ignorant. What kind of grown up thinks that this is going to happen. You need counselling of your own if you think this is a) needed or b) likely.

Well, thanks for your nasty words. You don't know me, or my circumstances. I am not ignorant or selfish! Far from it actually, and thanks to you this will be my first and last post on this forum. And I'm sure you'll judge me even further for that. But if you can't find it in yourself to not judge people and not be nasty about it, then I feel bad for you. I'm well aware of the impact that having a useless Dad will have on my children, that is my burden to bear thanks to my poor choices. He will always be their Dad, leaving the house, getting a solicitor etc is not going to change that. So whether we are in the same house or not, I have to ensure that they are happy and have their needs met even if he doesn't!

@SandyY2K

I'm a firm believer in the saying "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter"

This is so true. It's one of my beliefs too.

If he doesn't want to tell his family, then so be it. That shouldn't stop you heading in the direction you want to.

Thanks Sandy, yes that is the confusion I came to when I was in hospital. It gave a chance to think and I realised he will not wake up now if he hasn't by now. We've been to counselling, had endless conversations and he's not changed. It's quite sad really how emotionally repressed he is :(

Life is too short for all this. You could be so much happier!
It’s difficult (me and many other people have been there) but make a new start, take control of your life and separate properly. You can’t stay ‘separated’ but living together forever! It’s such a blurred line, at some point you have to tell the children and family. Sooner rather than later IMO!

@Bluebellsky
I wouldn't stop posting if I were you. You will not like all responses on here but the majority will be sympathetic and positive I think.

I hope you will soon find a solicitor to help you go through this with as little pain as possible. You've already been to Citizens Advice so you'll know what benefits you'd be due. If still unclear have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk. You say your family and friends already know? Perhaps you can tell your children in the presence of your parents who, hopefully, have largely been supportive of you? That way you won't be totally alone.

As for telling his family, perhaps wait until you've seen your solicitor and started the process and send them an email just stating the facts? I don't know if that would work for you and it would maybe smack as "wifework" but at least it would be getting the news out there as honestly as possible.

Whatever you decide I hope you manage to remain focussed and strong and get support from your family and friends because you will need people IRL to help you. Good luck. 🌹

@flissity

Life is too short for all this. You could be so much happier! It’s difficult (me and many other people have been there) but make a new start, take control of your life and separate properly. You can’t stay ‘separated’ but living together forever! It’s such a blurred line, at some point you have to tell the children and family. Sooner rather than later IMO!

Thank you, no we won't stay living together forever. We have a huge housing shortage where we live and the council waiting list is around 2 years unless you're homeless. I couldn't live with him forever, I want to have my own life.