Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Other women’s husbands?

76 replies

Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 15:07

Hi there, I was wondering what other women’s husbands are really like when it comes to engaging with you, engaging with your children etc.
The reason I ask is my husband of 16 years is completely detached emotionally from me and our children.
I have just returned from a 4 day stay in hospital with our youngest. She has been diagnosed with a chronic illness. While she was in hospital she underwent a huge amount of tests which at times she found very distressing. As it was for me to see her so upset. I only heard from my husband once a day and that was when I contacted him to update him on what was going on. I didn’t get a single text to see how I was feeling or how I my daughter was coping. When we got home, I’m exhausted. The house is a mess and nothing has been done.
When we are home, most of the time he just sits and watches TV or is on his phone, he never does anything with the kids. If we do anything as a family he spends his time watching videos on YouTube.
He doesn’t help with bedtime either, I will brush the kids teeth, get them ready for bed, he will come upstairs once I’ve done all the “work” to say good night. We alternate kids for a bedtime story, except he doesn’t read to them, they watch videos on his phone, or search up toys to buy.
I would love to know what it’s like for people behind closed doors as I know people can be good at keeping up appearances to others. Is it normal for men to not be any support emotionally and to essentially neglect our children’s needs?

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 01/07/2020 16:19

No most husbands aren't like this. Most ex husbands are. It sounds like there is absolutely no point in you being married to him. Life is too short.

Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 16:46

I won’t wait 5 years, but he won’t help me to tell the kids or his family we are separated. So I’m at loss how to move it forward on my own :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 16:54

Scatteredmama, your DH sounds amazing! Can you clone him please ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 16:56

Thanks Idontlikewednesdays, your DH sounds amazing too!
I've been to citizens advice, so I'm slowly getting my ducks in a row :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 16:58

Sooooobored, how did he change that much when you tried again? Or was he just paying lip service to doing better?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 17:01

@Aquamarine1029

Are you still doing his laundry, cooking, etc? Because if I were you that would all stop immediately.
I'm not doing his laundry, changing his bed etc. I do cook dinner though as we still eat with the kids and I think it's be weird for them. Especially when he refuses to sit with me to tell the kids we are separated, so they are none the wiser and just think mum and dad sleep in different beds.
OP posts:
1235kbm · 01/07/2020 17:02

OP I'm confused about what the problem is here.

Have a read of this. It's a guide to ending a relationship and gives you all the info you need to know in order to move forward. Make sure you read the info for where you live as laws vary depending on where you are in the UK.

You can find a solicitor at the Family Law Panel.

Any info you need about children for example child maintenance, contact etc you can find at Gingerbread and they have a very good helpline.

Once you start to gather information and advice, you will find things become a lot easier to manage. I understand that your child has a chronic illness, perhaps you can find out which charities are involved and contact them for support and information.

Once you have all your info, then sit down with your husband and discuss having a divorce.

Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 17:07

@1235kbm

OP I'm confused about what the problem is here.

Have a read of this. It's a guide to ending a relationship and gives you all the info you need to know in order to move forward. Make sure you read the info for where you live as laws vary depending on where you are in the UK.

You can find a solicitor at the Family Law Panel.

Any info you need about children for example child maintenance, contact etc you can find at Gingerbread and they have a very good helpline.

Once you start to gather information and advice, you will find things become a lot easier to manage. I understand that your child has a chronic illness, perhaps you can find out which charities are involved and contact them for support and information.

Once you have all your info, then sit down with your husband and discuss having a divorce.

Sorry, I know the post started as one thing and has turned into something else! I guess I cut my husband too much slack and posted to see if he was as useless as I suspected, but wanted to hear from other women as to their husbands behaviour. I'll have a look at these websites. Thanks for your help.
OP posts:
LondonJax · 01/07/2020 17:30

No, not all husbands or partners are like that.

DS was very ill when he was born to the point that we had an ambulance dash across London to a specialist hospital which saved his life. I was unwell after the birth. At one point, after the first week, I was so poorly the doctor treating DS told me to go home and rest properly. DH sat up with DS all night for three nights whilst I travelled to and fro so I could sleep in a proper bed. When DS had a second operation a couple of years ago, I slept at the hospital (DS decided he wanted mum rather than dad to stay) but DH stayed in a B&B nearby rather than go home.

DH regularly encourages me to have a weekend to myself (just Friday night to Sunday) in a hotel or he'll take DS away. By regular it could be every three months. They do 'boys' stuff - usually involves cinema, a seaside or event visit and stuffing their faces with pizza with a Marvel film on.

And...I'll have to whisper this...I haven't done any ironing for 3 years. DH was out of work three years ago and took over the laundry for something to do as I worked part time. He's been back at work for 2.5 years but tells me to leave it for him - he normally works away from home during the week and gets a week's worth of ironing done at the weekend for me. His view is I've enough on with a part time job, on line business and DS to deal with five nights and days a week normally.

DH has his faults like most people but not being 'with us' certainly isn't one of them.

Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 18:15

@LondonJax

No, not all husbands or partners are like that.

DS was very ill when he was born to the point that we had an ambulance dash across London to a specialist hospital which saved his life. I was unwell after the birth. At one point, after the first week, I was so poorly the doctor treating DS told me to go home and rest properly. DH sat up with DS all night for three nights whilst I travelled to and fro so I could sleep in a proper bed. When DS had a second operation a couple of years ago, I slept at the hospital (DS decided he wanted mum rather than dad to stay) but DH stayed in a B&B nearby rather than go home.

DH regularly encourages me to have a weekend to myself (just Friday night to Sunday) in a hotel or he'll take DS away. By regular it could be every three months. They do 'boys' stuff - usually involves cinema, a seaside or event visit and stuffing their faces with pizza with a Marvel film on.

And...I'll have to whisper this...I haven't done any ironing for 3 years. DH was out of work three years ago and took over the laundry for something to do as I worked part time. He's been back at work for 2.5 years but tells me to leave it for him - he normally works away from home during the week and gets a week's worth of ironing done at the weekend for me. His view is I've enough on with a part time job, on line business and DS to deal with five nights and days a week normally.

DH has his faults like most people but not being 'with us' certainly isn't one of them.

He sounds amazing as well! What you were saying reminded me of when DD was a baby and had terrible silent reflux, I was so sleep deprived and my husband did nothing to support me. The more I hear of others husbands and talk about my own I'm starting to realise how broken our relationship has been for a long time. And how much I've put up with having a husband who's not there for me or the kids :(
OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/07/2020 18:44

When our DC were younger, he most liked doing all the fun stuff...not the hard work. So he would take them on bike rides, to theme parks, aquarium..those kind of days out...play board games etc. He's a big kid really.

I usually did bedtime prayers and stories, but I did have getaways on my own and left him to it.

The only good thing about 5 years...is you can say you've been separated for that time and no consent is required for the divorce.

You do need to make it a formal separation though.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 01/07/2020 19:02

It doesn't seem normal behaviour to me I'm afraid. What are you going to do?

My dp isn't lovey dovey or romantic in the slightest. In fact, I remember eyeing him suspiciously when he told me he loved me while I was giving birth to dad because he never says that! But when she was born, he did everything around the house and we've always split childcare responsibilities fairly evenly (apart from things like breastfeeding!). His love for us shows through his actions. He'd be devastated if dd was really poorly, he'd cry for sure and he's very much a viking, manly type of man! But he's so emotionally intelligent, brilliant communicator and a great dad. I wouldn't accept anything less in a partner tbh.

Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 19:11

@SandyY2K

When our DC were younger, he most liked doing all the fun stuff...not the hard work. So he would take them on bike rides, to theme parks, aquarium..those kind of days out...play board games etc. He's a big kid really.

I usually did bedtime prayers and stories, but I did have getaways on my own and left him to it.

The only good thing about 5 years...is you can say you've been separated for that time and no consent is required for the divorce.

You do need to make it a formal separation though.

His terms for waiting 5 years though is to carry on pretending we are together. So that if I change my mind there won't be anything to put back together as we are in the same house and nobody ever knew we were separated! That's why I've flat out refused. It's quite sad really, that he wants to put his life on hold also and live a lie because he isn't able to process our relationship is over :(
OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsky · 01/07/2020 19:13

@Ducksarenotmyfriends

It doesn't seem normal behaviour to me I'm afraid. What are you going to do?

My dp isn't lovey dovey or romantic in the slightest. In fact, I remember eyeing him suspiciously when he told me he loved me while I was giving birth to dad because he never says that! But when she was born, he did everything around the house and we've always split childcare responsibilities fairly evenly (apart from things like breastfeeding!). His love for us shows through his actions. He'd be devastated if dd was really poorly, he'd cry for sure and he's very much a viking, manly type of man! But he's so emotionally intelligent, brilliant communicator and a great dad. I wouldn't accept anything less in a partner tbh.

I've had sooo many conversations telling him I'm not in love and not happy and want to separate, but he still won't accept it. I don't want to have to tell the kids and his family on my own, but he's not leaving me with much choice.
OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 01/07/2020 19:44

I'd just bite the bullet and tell them, then you can start to move forward with your life. Life is so short and precious. It's not worth wasting time in an unhappy marriage. Have a look at what you could claim in benefits if you were on your own with your disabled child. See if you could manage. He will have to pay maintenance as well. It might not be as bad financially as you think

HavingAMoan · 01/07/2020 20:02

DH is totally engaged. He’s as much as a parent as I am, as it should be. I think he’d be really insulted if anyone suggested otherwise.

LOTTIE881 · 01/07/2020 20:04

He sounds horrible!!!! Didn’t check in on his own child and you whilst you stayed in hospital? That to me is a dealbreaker, he should have provided you with unconditional support. Total deal breaker in my opinion, it’s made me feel really sad for your daughter too, you must be emotionally and physically exhausted - you deserve better

Aerial2020 · 01/07/2020 20:04

He's a shit father

Flittingabout · 01/07/2020 20:09

So your husband has become disengaged since last year when you started asking for a separation or much longer?

If I was just waiting for husband to leave me I also wouldn't be making an effort (I would be getting my ducks in a row and doing the grey rock) so I think your first post doesn't really help you here.

He wants the marriage to end too but also sees the social status benefits of it. He can't possibly be happy so I imagine has someone else on the side as this is so grim for you both.

I think once you contact a solicitor and get them to draft divorce paperwork it'll role forward.

MissConductUS · 01/07/2020 20:11

Not all men are like that. I also have a really good DH, at least by MN standards. He's always been engaged with the kids, does the shopping and cooking, etc. They are out there.

Aerial2020 · 01/07/2020 20:13

No excuse to be a shit dad though.

VictoriaBun · 01/07/2020 20:13

Ok so some women out up with a detached husband, but sadly yours is both detached from you and your dc . He needs to leave.

istheresomethingishouldknow · 01/07/2020 20:19

I'm sorry, OP. He sounds completely disengaged and he clearly doesn't care if you're happy or fulfilled or not. His basic needs are being met, so he doesn't give a shit about yours.

Life is short.... tell him you don't even want to wait 5 days, let alone 5 years ... he can't avoid this any more ... you're miserable and you want out.

equuscaballus · 01/07/2020 20:30

His 5 yr terms are for his vanity only and not for the sake of the family.

I tried the "pretend we aren't separated" thing and really all it did was build resentment.

equuscaballus · 01/07/2020 20:34

My partner now is an amazing father, he was useless in the baby stage but is now totally my parenting equal and spends every spare minute with his children (fully engaged)