Fiancé stuff? Should I just live with it?

[MousyArtist]

So, I feel a bit bad writing this but please don’t judge me. I’m just at the end of my tether a bit.

My partner and me have been together almost five years and we have two boys aged three and one.
I love him but he doesn’t do anything at all. Apart from going to work, sleeping and eating he hardly does anything and I’m tired.
I am grateful for the fact he goes to work and supports us this way but other than that...I don’t know.
He hardly ever cooks his own dinner and if he does he won’t stop talking about how he did it or using it as an excuse not to do something later on.
Never cleans up after himself, as in I will always pick up his uniform off the floor and put his boots and bag away etc.
As with the children I have to ask him to help when he’s around, if he can bath them or put them to bed. There’s normally an excuse not to do this such as saying he will clean the kitchen and then never does. He never get down on the floor and plays with them. Just won’t do it even if I ask, again there’s normally an excuse.
He always gets me to wash his uniform/clothes and put them up to dry, make his lunches etc.
He will ask me to do other things around the house during the day, as if I’ve got time on top of everything else.
Even though I’m not working and receive universal credit he has cancelled over the space of a year all direct debits and now asks me to pay for them. He might put a bit towards them occasionally, it varies.
He relishes telling anyone the me and him do things the old fashioned way and he goes to work while I do house and kids. I don’t know what to think really other than I just wish he’d do a bit more, and get off his damn phone. I’m just knackered. I don’t end up getting to bed until three in the morning because I’m trying to fit everything into the day.
I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being whiny, maybe I am, but I don’t know what to do anymore. He’ll get snippy with me when I bring things like this up so I’m anxious to do that.
I just wondered what everyone thought and what I should do. Altogether I’m feeling pretty resentful towards him and not really feeling like I love him all as much as I did. Thanks in advance

Don't marry him, he sounds like a selfish knob

So you're unhappy and when you attempt to communicate your unhappiness to him, he gets snippy. This means you are less likely to raise the topic again.
This man wants a 1950s housewife, he even sounds proud of it, in the fact that he tells everyone you have a traditional setup.
But you're not happy with it, and you are as entitled to be as happy with your home set up as the next person.
Your fiance does not want to decimate from the status quo, which swings massively in his favour. These types of attitudes can rarely be changed.
Don't marry him.

*deviate, sorry 😂

What does he pay for?

Sounds like a bit of a dead end for you, would you and the boys be happier on your own?

Financially abusive - and absolute dickhead! Lazy and obnoxious.

You really need to start to get out of this relationship. What work did you do before? Is there any chance of you working? What does he do with the money he earns? Why isn't it family money?

You deserve more. Poor kids too with such a poor example of a father.

You have a traditional set up. Except for the one aspect that makes that even slightly OK, the money.

Time to break up.

Even though I’m not working and receive universal credit he has cancelled over the space of a year all direct debits and now asks me to pay for them. He might put a bit towards them occasionally, it varies.

This is financial abuse, controlling what happens with the money, leaving you broke.

It even means he's contradicting his other statements, because the money he brings in isn't helping you.

He relishes telling anyone the me and him do things the old fashioned way and he goes to work while I do house and kids.

It'd be one thing if you'd both explicitly, verbally decided on this because the two of you wanted it to the complete extent that it's happening now, but he isn't.

This is the aspect of abusive men known as the 'King of the Castle.' You are not a maid or a dish washer, washing machine etc. satedatest.wordpress.com/2017/12/28/the-king-of-the-castle/

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He is acting like The Dominator and trying to dominate you in a lot of ways. It's not ok. Him draining you of all your money must be really depressing. Feeling this powerless and exhausted can't be good.

Have you tried telling him what you need?

I advise you to find a way to leave. As you're on UC you'd be entitled to help with housing costs.

Stop making his lunches. Stop washing his uniform.
Have you got a joint account or access to your own money?
Get some professional advice as this does sound like financial & controlling abuse.

You’d be better off leaving him, sounds like a miserable existence, what a man child

Wow, this post makes me sad from start to finish. Please think what you would advise your children if they were with someone like this. You would tell them to run a mile. Please do not marry this person. It does not sound like he is the sort to change. Try if you want, but man child types dont seem to change much. Or if they do, it is short lived.
You can do better for yourself and your children. You are basically a single mum of 3 right now.
Please talk to someone in real life about this, you need support and advice.

How much does he pay towards the running of the house? How much is he earning compared to you and do you have shared finances and equal spare cash? Do as much housework as you want to in a day. His stuff is bottom of the list. Go to bed when you want to, not when all the housework is done. He doesn’t get to dictate what time you sleep because he has decided all housework is to be done by you and he’s not going to lift a finger. 1950s relationships are great if you’ve agreed to one, otherwise they’re completely disrespectful. Would you be happy treating him the way he treats you? Would you find that’s an acceptable way to treat someone you love?

OP my dm and df had a traditional marriage in so far as df went to work and dm stayed home. BUT when df was home he cooked, did housework and looked after his dc and all money that came into the house went into a joint account that dm could access equally. Being a SAHM doesn't mean that you do it all anymore than going to work as a family man means you get to do nothing else and keep all the money. You deserve far more and your children deserve to see better than their mother being treated as a skivvy.

Absolutely do not just live with it. OMG, I'm screaming for you.

An aside, how old are you OP? Because if you marry him, you're knowingly signing up to 10, 20, 30+ more years of this. If you're feeling frustrated & unheard right now, as well as exhausted & skint, imagine how you'll feel in a decade's time. And to top it off, you'll be furious with yourself for staying.

Had the 1950s arrangement been a joint decision, discussed in detail & aided by him providing financially for the family, that would be entirely your choice.

However, it sounds like a creeping campaign of sponging off of you (at best) or deliberate financial control. He hasn't simply forgotten that kids need shoes & bills need paying. As PP have said, he is draining your resources to reduce your ability to act independently, i.e. leave.

The total lack of household support is also unforgivable. Granted the chore might not be a perfect 50/50 split if one parent stays at home or simply if personalities differ (some people are more house proud than others). But he's taking the piss out of you, treating you like a scullery maid and making you pay to keep him. Please, for your own sanity, start making plans to extricate yourself from this suffocation.

In a traditional set up, he'd be supporting you with his money.

You don't even have that.

Get yourself on the Freedom Project.

Yes, it all depends on the details of what you agreed when you decided to be a SAHM and if you have access to half the total money or just your benefits. If you don’t work then it has to be shared family finances, otherwise he has total power and isn’t financially appreciating the work you’re doing. So what you say about paying for direct debits from your UC is weird - it should be all the money from him and you go into one pot, then you pay for everything out of that pot.

With the chores, again, you both need to be happy with them. Some couples with a SAHP have the stay at home parent do literally all housework and childcare, but that has to be agreed. It’s not fair to just treat the non working parent as a dogsbody just because they don’t go out to work, while the other person works 9-5 but then gets to sit back and do literally nothing the other 8 hours of their waking hours... It needs to be mutually agreed, as you could argue you are both working 9-5 just in different ways and so then after he gets home everything should be 50/50 - both approaches are logical and neither is right or wrong.

You're in a pickle OP.

This isnt a traditional setup - if it were, you would have all bills paid for, and using universal credit for extras - or a version of that, e.g. all wages and UC into one account, with bills coming out of there and the difference split between you.

Instead you've a man who is keeping you as his house slave, on miserable wages, to ensure you've no way out.

You're not married so if you left now you would have nothing except child maintenance. Can you go to entitledto and work out how your circs would change if you were to go it alone?

You can stay with him I suppose, but yeah what you describe isn't normal. Or legal, really. Hes depriving you of even having the means to save money to change your circumstances. You're deep in the shit here.

That's not even touching on the disgraceful habits you describe him having in the home. The finances alone are a nightmare scenario.

Do you have any supportive family or friends?

Honest question OP - If you said to him, "NO, I will not make your lunches or wash your clothes because I am too tired and I can't be getting to bed at 3am when I have to get up with the kids", what would his answer be?

Would he do it himself without much argument, after a calm and reasonable discussion? OR Would he blow up at you? Are you scared of his response?

Can you get rid of him? Rent or own? House in whose name?

Sounds like you'd be better off in every single way if he wasn't there.

Why do you refer to yourself as sounding whiny? Is that what he accuses you of doing? You are not sounding whiny at all.

This set-up sounds awful and you are right to be resentful and feel like you love him less. I'm sure you do love him less. You're being pretty ruthlessly exploited by this man and your resentment and dislike of the situation show that your instincts are healthy and intact.

He might want a 1950s housewife but a huge percentage of 1950s (and 1960s and 1970s) housewives were depressed and miserable because it was ultimately an unfulfilling existence for them. And the fact that he has got you paying bills from UC means he's not even fulfilling the financial side of the bargain.

Fortunately, society has moved on in recent decades and women have a much greater range of choices available to them. In particular, they don't have to put up with the situation you are now in.

From what you say he closes down any attempt by you to discuss the status quo. That is unsurprising because the status quo suits him extremely well. But it needs to change and the question is whether he can be re-educated.

I think you need to make clear to him (if you can) that the domestic arrangements need to change because they are unacceptable for you. He needs to pull his weight around the home and with the DC because it is also his home and they are also his children and he needs to share the load. You staying at home with the DC is as big a contribution to the household as his in going out to work (if not bigger). You both have jobs - it's just that his is paid and yours isn't.

And/or you might want to look into having a paid job yourself - even if only part-time. Even if childcare costs eat up what you earn, think of it as an investment in your and your family's future. I think it's so important to retain some financial independence from a partner.

If he continues to refuse to discuss this with you and/or nothing changes, you may need to start planning to go it alone. In the meantime, please do NOT marry him because any problems you have will get worse since he will have less incentive to change.

Even though I’m not working and receive universal credit he has cancelled over the space of a year all direct debits and now asks me to pay for them. He might put a bit towards them occasionally, it varies.

So he's financially abusive as well as a prick.

What's your background like that you think this is what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?

He has no respect for you and he is abusing you. That's not love.

Even if you don't think you deserve better (which you do) why do you want your kids growing up in an abusive home with a broken mum? Becoming adults who think this is normal and acceptable?

Thank you first for all your message. I’m genuinely shocked by the response, I thought I was going to get told to get on with it.

I’m going to try and answer all questions, sorry if I don’t.
I’m 23, and he is 27. The flat we live in is owned by the housing association.
He pays for his car, on finance, car tax and insurance ( although he sends this money to his mum to pay for, don’t know why). He will also pay for his coffees at work and sometimes when he gets them takeaways while he’s at work or finished work. He also pays for his cigarettes and sometimes mine. He pays for the phone bill and the water bill - that coming around £100 I think.
I pay for council tax, rent ( although sometimes he puts some towards this, if not then I’ll ask my mum to help), electric bill which is more than it should be because of him cancelling direct debit without me knowing and getting debt on our account. I also do the food shops and if there’s any left goes on the children.

As for work for me, I used to be a healthcare assistant in a care home, before my children. However in recent years my health isn’t that great. I have seizures and problems with my lungs which requires surgery that I’m waiting for. I couldn’t possibly go back to work because I just don’t have the means to even begin covering the childcare costs.

We have a joint account but no money gets put in there unless we are transferring money to one another.
The flat we rent is in both of our names. But considering I deal with most transactions it’s my name on there the most.

That’s the one thing I dread is becoming a single mother. But I know his behaviour has already had an affect on my eldest son as he refuses, like his daddy, to tidy up. He also tells me, just like his daddy does, to go and make my fiancé a coffee. I can’t face being on my own but I already feel like I am.

If I said no I’m not doing whatever he wants me to do he will plead and plead and make ever excuse as to why he can’t do it. The rare occasions I don’t give in to him it makes him snippy and irritable.

I only have my mum really as a support and she thinks everything is fine and considering she was helping us pay for the wedding I’m kind of frightened to say bad things about him. I don’t really have friends and if I do they’re his friends too.

As a last point, I think I’ve covered everything, no I couldn’t live with myself if I even dared treat someone the way he does. My experience with men if fairly bad, I was sexually assaulted as a teenager so anything that isn’t that I think is pretty good.

How much does your fiancé earn per mth?

Trying to understand why he is basically paying for nothing and all the serious costs are being paid for by you...

Oh you poor kid. As pp have said that all sounds really awful. You don’t deserve it. You deserve a proper partner who helps you and looks after you when you need it. Not this demanding entitled piece of shit. This isn’t all you should expect or that you deserve. You sound absolutely lovely and worth a hell of a lot more than he is prepared to give you. If you can’t sure him down now and make him understand this is only going to go one way. Worse.