Fiancé stuff? Should I just live with it?

[MousyArtist]

So, I feel a bit bad writing this but please don’t judge me. I’m just at the end of my tether a bit.

My partner and me have been together almost five years and we have two boys aged three and one.
I love him but he doesn’t do anything at all. Apart from going to work, sleeping and eating he hardly does anything and I’m tired.
I am grateful for the fact he goes to work and supports us this way but other than that...I don’t know.
He hardly ever cooks his own dinner and if he does he won’t stop talking about how he did it or using it as an excuse not to do something later on.
Never cleans up after himself, as in I will always pick up his uniform off the floor and put his boots and bag away etc.
As with the children I have to ask him to help when he’s around, if he can bath them or put them to bed. There’s normally an excuse not to do this such as saying he will clean the kitchen and then never does. He never get down on the floor and plays with them. Just won’t do it even if I ask, again there’s normally an excuse.
He always gets me to wash his uniform/clothes and put them up to dry, make his lunches etc.
He will ask me to do other things around the house during the day, as if I’ve got time on top of everything else.
Even though I’m not working and receive universal credit he has cancelled over the space of a year all direct debits and now asks me to pay for them. He might put a bit towards them occasionally, it varies.
He relishes telling anyone the me and him do things the old fashioned way and he goes to work while I do house and kids. I don’t know what to think really other than I just wish he’d do a bit more, and get off his damn phone. I’m just knackered. I don’t end up getting to bed until three in the morning because I’m trying to fit everything into the day.
I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being whiny, maybe I am, but I don’t know what to do anymore. He’ll get snippy with me when I bring things like this up so I’m anxious to do that.
I just wondered what everyone thought and what I should do. Altogether I’m feeling pretty resentful towards him and not really feeling like I love him all as much as I did. Thanks in advance

Oh my god. He’s stealing your life. And you’re not even married. Is that because he can’t be bothered to do that either? Get rid!

When you say financially you don’t know if you’d cope, does he just pay £100 a month for things that benefit you? Everything else he pays for sound like just for him! He must cost you £100 a month, and wouldn’t you get more UC as a single parent anyway? So financially you would be fine. Dont forget claiming maintenance as well from him. Logistically some things to work out - how far is the next town with a shop? Is there any supermarket delivery?
I think you’d have so much more time and headspace without him.

Presumably your seizures mean driving isn't an option for you now but it might be if they are controlled. Do they happen more if you get tired?
You know this isn't making you happy so it would be better not to spend your mum's money on a wedding. How much time would you save each day if you didn't have to wash his uniform, make his food and be his servant?

Re finances, your UC will be currently calculated on the basis that you are a family unit and your partner is working.
In face he does not share his money and lives like a single man.
As a single mother of preschool children, and with a disability, the UC will be quite generous until the kids are at school. It's the perfect time to study for qualifications too. This man is making your life harder not supporting you or making life easier

Unfortunately he probably learnt this behaviour off his parents. They split up and have new partners. His mums partner even calls her “the wife” not her actual name. She seems happy with this though.

Someone mentioned contraception and because of the various health problems I have we are very careful about this because it could potentially kill me or baby if I got pregnant again at this time.

I looked on entitledto and from that info I could probably manage quite easily. Especially considering I wouldn’t be buying anything for him which I do now.

We have been engaged for four years and yes it’s probably safe to say that it is his laziness as to why we haven’t done it. As it happens we were supposed to get married last weekend but obviously it was cancelled due to Coronavirus.

I’m trying really hard to listen to all of your advice but my stupid brain just keeps telling me, it’s not that bad, he could be a lot worse, you’ll never get anything better than this etc.

Today, because he’s on nights tonight he has literally done nothing. Except leave a mess. Oh and ask me to do things around the house this evening while he’s out.

I think I want to leave him but I’m just so frightened of his reaction and everyone elses who knows me (because on the outside everyone views us as the perfect happy couple).

I know I need to do what is right for me and my boys but it’s tricky. There are other things about him which I doubt he will ever change either. He has only ever got me one Mother’s Day card and either doesn’t get me anything or forgets my birthday. I never forget his and I always get him something for Father’s Day. I know that sounds nit picky but I got more from my sons preschool than I did from him for mother’s day.

He’s useless. A good man at work but rubbish at home with me.

you’ll never get anything better than this

Of course you will OP. And just because he hasn't got you chained to a radiator or anything (yet) doesn't mean this is a good scene.

Everyone on the outside doesn’t see you as the perfect happy couple. Trust me. A good number of them will be seeing him exactly as he is. He’s a bit of a monster.

Oh love, talk to your mum. Confide in her - show her this thread if it's too hard for you to say it face to face.

This can't go on, and please, whatever you do, don't marry him.

He is treating you like dirt, like a servant, and he is financially abusing you too.

OP
Please start by getting yourself to bed early. Start looking after yourself.

You say he could be worse. Maybe. But just think for a minute about what you really want in life. What do you want for yourself? Who do you want to be?
Can you achieve that with him?

I just wondered what everyone thought and what I should do. Altogether I’m feeling pretty resentful towards him and not really feeling like I love him

I'm not surprised. What's the point of him? What's to love? He's lazy, financially abusive, uncaring, a shit father...

I'd ask him to leave. Or stop doing anything at all for him. Get angry with him. You and your dc deserve so so much more.

You should also do the Freedom Programme so you can spot the signs of a bad relationship and raise your boundaries.

There are worse things than being alone (being with this bloke); and you wouldn't be alone-you have your kids.

He is a parasite. Skip the divorce and don't marry in the first place.

I can’t understand where his money is going. You’re not working, he should be paying all the rent.

Show your mum this thread. If she loves you she’ll realise you can’t go on. It’s most heartbreaking that your oldest boy is now starting to treat you like a servant.

Being unhappy is reason enough to end a relationship. Anyone who doesn't understand that, isn't worth knowing.

Thanks everyone. I’ve spent half my morning crying because I’m just so stuck. I know what I need to do but I’m just so frightened of the future and what might happen.
I just don’t want to make the wrong decision. I ask him before he went to bed this morning, because he said on nights, why could he do his own uniform. The response I got was he couldn’t because there was stuff in the washing machine already.
It was a load id forgotten about putting up but he said he couldn’t have put it on the airer. He also woke me stupidly early this morning so I could look after the kids so he could go to bed. But then he proceeded to play on my laptop for an hour and a half so

I’m going to phone my mum later I think and see what she says

Also because I think someone said it. In regards to me squirrelling money away. This is again practically impossible for me. He asks how much money I have, has access to my phone with my NatWest app on it which he also has access to. So if the money I have is less than he thought he always asks where has the money gone. So I have no opportunity to save as he knows I have money and will want/need it for something else. I don’t have access to his banking and therefore don’t know how much he has. I only know what he tells me he has.

You need to ring women's aid sweetie and get some advice , he's using abusive coercive financial control to keep you there. They can help advise on a plan to leave , or to end things safely so you can remain where you are with your kids. I married a man like this an after 20 years I was a mere shell of myself , please don't let this happen to you. Or your boys. My children suffered hugely due to his financial abuse and treating our daughters like maids when they were older. Men like your believe women are merely here to look after men . It's so so wrong.
When you become free of that it's an amazing empowering feeling ...

If you were my daughter I wouldn’t pay a PENNY to help you marry this disgusting leech, I’d be helping you to leave him ASAP. Please just show her this thread, the wedding money would be an ideal deposit on a new place to stay and you would be so much better off away from that man. Don’t be afraid to leave him for your happiness, your health and that of your children too. You don’t want them to grow up treating you, or any other woman, the way he treats you. You can leave - and you know that too, good luck!

You deserve better. A relationship. Should be a partnership. Financially and work wise. I too fell into the traditional role of 'women's work'. And was happy to do so. But I worked part time. Money was pooled and ex did his share of chores lawns/DIY. This worked ok for us.

I'm a single parent now. My kids are much more relaxed and happy at home. I don't feel like I need to have a show home and I'm ok on my own. You are young. Enjoy your kids and this time. Look after yourself and your health can improve. You can learn to drive and become more independent. (Have you claimed disability benefits for your difficulties? There are funds for things like driving lessons if you have a google.).

He is not the example you want set for your children. Change is hard but not impossible. What do you want your future to look like? Another 60 years of this?

Do you think your mum will be sympathetic? She must see what’s going on and what he’s like?

You’re so young, you don’t need to live like this, you don’t like sex with him, you’re ill and he does nothing to help you with the home or the family, he controls your money and leaves the bills to you. That’s not a loving relationship, he’s exploiting you.

What you said about sending the money to his mum to pay his car insurance makes me suspect he’s not being honest about his details on his policy.

I mentioned squirreling money away. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe set up a current account elsewhere, request paper statements & use your mum's address for letters.

Tell him your mum is skint and can't help out, then put anything she does send in your own private account.

Set up a private email address, e.g. [email protected], and switch off all "save my password/stay connected" options on your computer/phone.

Get yourself a cheap mobile & SIM if possible, and hide it in a box of tampons, if you feel like this level of secrecy is needed.

I am angry on your behalf and this is so clearly abuse that he accesses your account & deliberately uses up all your UC, while you don't even know how much he earns or how he spends it (and it's certainly not on providing for his kids & SAH partner).

I know it sounds easy for internet strangers to say "do this, do that", but there are solutions available to get yourself a separate account & to keep it private. Xx

Oh OP he really isn’t a nice man.

Is he PAYE ie a salary from an employer. If you left him he would have to pay child mtnce on top of UC And child benefit. I’m not sure what the % is but let’s say he pays you £300 a month. Add this to what the website entitled to says. Financially you will be fine as I think you will have more money than you do now.

Can you stay with your mum for a few months to start the ball rolling?

OP he’s taking the piss massively he should be covering the full rent. So your left to buy all the clothes for the children too. I definitely think you need to find your own outlet for your own sake.
Maybe volunteering some where to give you a sense of value and learn independence. Your world won’t end because you are possibly a single mother (I know it seems like that at the time).

Dear OP

There's some great practical advice on here to get you started, esp from @holrosea. And the suggestion that you show your mother this thread and see if you can move in with her for a bit is great. If she has money to spend on your wedding, she has money to help you escape from this man. Do NOT marry this man. Infinitely better to be raising your DC alone than be married to this abusive piece of work who thinks women are there to do his bidding and is all take, take, take and spends his money on himself and leaves his partner to pay for rent, food, amenities - everything his children need to survive. How is he not dying of shame inside???

Also make clear to your partner that the bank of mum is currently closed and he needs to start paying for his family. He has no right to see your finances , so try to end that access if you can. In any case, you can squirrel some away and if he asks about it, I'm sure you can think of something you could plausibly be saving for which you can tell him - some new furniture or similar. Perhaps for children's birthdays and Xmas or something like that. Something that requires a bit of money and which he might be willing to keep his hands off. And then use it to get away from him.

You do need to get away from this man and the sooner the better but you can do it a step at a time and plan carefully. You might find the information at this link helpful: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

You are so young. If you stay you will ruin your life. 60 years with this waste of space. Come in. Please find the umph to leave this total cunt.