Fiancé stuff? Should I just live with it?

[MousyArtist]

So, I feel a bit bad writing this but please don’t judge me. I’m just at the end of my tether a bit.

My partner and me have been together almost five years and we have two boys aged three and one.
I love him but he doesn’t do anything at all. Apart from going to work, sleeping and eating he hardly does anything and I’m tired.
I am grateful for the fact he goes to work and supports us this way but other than that...I don’t know.
He hardly ever cooks his own dinner and if he does he won’t stop talking about how he did it or using it as an excuse not to do something later on.
Never cleans up after himself, as in I will always pick up his uniform off the floor and put his boots and bag away etc.
As with the children I have to ask him to help when he’s around, if he can bath them or put them to bed. There’s normally an excuse not to do this such as saying he will clean the kitchen and then never does. He never get down on the floor and plays with them. Just won’t do it even if I ask, again there’s normally an excuse.
He always gets me to wash his uniform/clothes and put them up to dry, make his lunches etc.
He will ask me to do other things around the house during the day, as if I’ve got time on top of everything else.
Even though I’m not working and receive universal credit he has cancelled over the space of a year all direct debits and now asks me to pay for them. He might put a bit towards them occasionally, it varies.
He relishes telling anyone the me and him do things the old fashioned way and he goes to work while I do house and kids. I don’t know what to think really other than I just wish he’d do a bit more, and get off his damn phone. I’m just knackered. I don’t end up getting to bed until three in the morning because I’m trying to fit everything into the day.
I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being whiny, maybe I am, but I don’t know what to do anymore. He’ll get snippy with me when I bring things like this up so I’m anxious to do that.
I just wondered what everyone thought and what I should do. Altogether I’m feeling pretty resentful towards him and not really feeling like I love him all as much as I did. Thanks in advance

You know he’s free riding.

You have choices,
accept that you’re being used and nothing changes,
stand up for yourself and force him to contribute more, financially and physically
Throw him out / LTB

Personally I’d opt for the second or third choice.

Don't feel guilty your mum is helping you pay for the wedding. You would be naive to marry him.

You're 23 OP - honestly there has to be such much more for you in this world than to stay unhappy with this man.

I have seizures and problems with my lungs which requires surgery that I’m waiting for

So, until you have the op at least, you effectively have a disability. You must feel really knackered having to do all this with poorly lungs. This makes him not helping you with the kids,chores etc even less excusable.

It sounds like you have 3 kids!

Okay - there's a lot of unpicking to do here.

I think it's really sad that you thought you would just be told to suck this up. Your fiancé's behaviour is outrageous - it is in fact abusive. Why do you think you deserve so little from life? He leaves you to pay for everything that you and your DCs actually need to survive (a home, food, clothes and amenities) even to the extent that you sometimes have to borrow from your mum while he makes sure that his own needs are met - car, cigarettes, takeaways. What a bastard.

Frankly, OP - it's time you got extremely angry. I'm furious just reading this and you're the one living it.

It's also time you got over your dread of becoming a single mother. There are many fabulous single mothers out there, many of whom post on MN. And, frankly, you already are one except that you have this exploitative and abusive piece of work actually adding to your workload. You would do considerably less if he no longer lived with you. And you might find he did more of the parenting if you lived separately. And you'd probably have money. It's no accident that he ensures you are left penniless each month. Makes it much harder for you to get away.

And you have serious health problems and he is letting you live like this. If you can keep up with two tiny children all day every day, then there may be jobs you can do as well, so please do not assume you cannot work, but that's beside the point. He doesn't care about you and his DCs one jot.

You really do need to talk to your mum. Your fiancé is abusing you, emotionally and financially, and things will only get worse if you get married because he will have no incentive to change. You really, really need to talk to your mum and explain what's going on. Put all wedding plans on hold for now. Yes, it will be difficult. But not more difficult than living like this for the next 10, 20, 30, 40 etc years, while your physical and mental health continue to deteriorate.

And it's already damaging your DCs. Your son at 3 thinks he doesn't have to do what his mother tells him because his father is such a lazy and exploitative tosser and orders you about on behalf of his dad. That is a seriously bad sign. Your fiancé needs a complete re-education now with serious and permanent change in his behaviour or he needs to be out on his ear.

Keep reaching out here for support, OP.

OP, you lovely person, please leave this man. You pay the rent and council tax already. You buy food for your dc and cook it for them. You are amazing.

And you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER without this pathetic excuse for a man weighing you down, making you feel like an unpaid maid, making you feel less-than.

You are so very young. Do not settle for this. Don't make your dc settle for it, either.

Between £1600 - £1800 per month

And how much income do you get each month? Have you worked out what the monthly household expenses are and how much your fiancé should be paying. If I were your mum, the fact I had to give you money each month because my future SIL wasn’t contributing would make me furious. Remember that it’s a lot cheaper to not get married than it is to get divorced. You have got plenty of time to find the partner you deserve who will treat you with respect and love you and help raise your children. From what you wrote, I thought your DP would be in his 40s or 50s. Do you know why you are so stuck on not being a single parent? You run the risk of being blind to really bad relationships because you don’t want to be on your own. If you were on your own, you would probably be better off financially plus you wouldn’t have to listen to his nonsense nor would you have to listen to your son being disrespectful to you. I’m so sorry you were assaulted when you were younger. Have you ever had help to deal with that? Might be worth looking into counselling etc so you can get the tools you need to have healthy relationships.

But if he wants to do it "the old-fashioned way" as he puts it, then he'd be paying the majority of the bills while you did the work in the home! He doesn't get to have it both ways. As it is he's got a cushy number and you are being a doormat and a mug. Do not marry this freeloader unless he changes his ways. This is no way to live at such a young age - or indeed any age. Why your mum thinks it's ok is beyond me. I'm probably older than your mum and I think it's totally outrageous! I'm so angry on your behalf!

My income is universal credit which varies each month based on how much he earns but it’s normally around the £700 mark. Add that to the £136 I think child benefit I receive that’s it.
He has always been rubbish with money. Spending it on things for him like coffee, takeaway and new stuff then becoming skint by the end of the month. I normally ask him whether I can buy something for me, like hair dye for example, where he will say can we do it next month.

I genuinely don’t know where all his money goes. To be honest he’s at work such a lot that he could be doing anything with it.

I struggle with the idea of being a single parent for a couple of reasons.

1. I don’t how how I would actually go about verbalising this to him, I would get quite nervous. I never normally speak my mind.
2. I would worry that I wouldn’t be good enough just on my own for my kids. They’re two boys and they need a daddy. Although he’s not really teaching them how to be men very well.
3. Financially I have no idea how I could cope. I can’t drive, we live in a small village with no shop and I just wouldn’t know where to start.

I do still care about him but I’m not in love with him anymore. Whenever we have sex - rare - it’s always him who wants it and I do it just to keep him happy. If I really don’t want to he will just wank himself off infront of me

I don’t think he will change. He’s not that kind of person.

Thank you for all you lovely comments. It’s nice to be able to say/ write all this to you all. I’ve been keeping it quiet for a long time now.

You are already a single parent but to 3 children

If you break up they still have a Dad - indeed they may actually get to do more with him

Financially read through what he actually gives you a month and if he going actually would mean you didnt have to

He has to go otherwise you are showing your sons what kind of men they should be - not very good ones

My experience with men if fairly bad, I was sexually assaulted as a teenager so anything that isn’t that I think is pretty good.

OP this is heartbreaking. You and your kids deserve better.

Don't marry him.

Going to work doesn't give carte blanche to do fuck all else.

@MousyArtist
Please don't let the fear of being a single mother stop you from leaving this man. He is a poor partner, treating you worse than an unpaid servant - and seems proud of it. He is an extremely bad role model to your sons, who are already picking up bad habits from him.

Check what benefits you'd be entitled to if you were no longer living with him. I know you are on Universal Credit but check online to see what your financial options as a single person would be if you were living apart from your partner.

www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk.

If it's easier speak to Citizens Advice.

Speak openly and honestly to your mother about how bad the situation is. Surely she has some idea as she helps you financially but tell her the whole truth. Don't try and protect your partner, because he doesn't deserve it at all.

Ask her to cancel the wedding if at all possible. Don't trap yourself any further in this relationship by marrying him.

Are you able to live with your mum for a while until you are able to sort out your finances and longer term accommodation for you and your boys?

You and your children deserve far better than what you have. 🌹

OP, I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. From your original post I feel it's really important to tell you that you are heard, we are listening and that your opinions matter.

He sounds awful and it feels like a very stifling environment for you all, very containing. There's a better life waiting for you.

@MousyArtist

Thank you first for all your message. I’m genuinely shocked by the response, I thought I was going to get told to get on with it.

I’m going to try and answer all questions, sorry if I don’t.
I’m 23, and he is 27. The flat we live in is owned by the housing association.
He pays for his car, on finance, car tax and insurance ( although he sends this money to his mum to pay for, don’t know why). He will also pay for his coffees at work and sometimes when he gets them takeaways while he’s at work or finished work. He also pays for his cigarettes and sometimes mine. He pays for the phone bill and the water bill - that coming around £100 I think.
I pay for council tax, rent ( although sometimes he puts some towards this, if not then I’ll ask my mum to help), electric bill which is more than it should be because of him cancelling direct debit without me knowing and getting debt on our account. I also do the food shops and if there’s any left goes on the children.

As for work for me, I used to be a healthcare assistant in a care home, before my children. However in recent years my health isn’t that great. I have seizures and problems with my lungs which requires surgery that I’m waiting for. I couldn’t possibly go back to work because I just don’t have the means to even begin covering the childcare costs.

We have a joint account but no money gets put in there unless we are transferring money to one another.
The flat we rent is in both of our names. But considering I deal with most transactions it’s my name on there the most.

That’s the one thing I dread is becoming a single mother. But I know his behaviour has already had an affect on my eldest son as he refuses, like his daddy, to tidy up. He also tells me, just like his daddy does, to go and make my fiancé a coffee. I can’t face being on my own but I already feel like I am.

If I said no I’m not doing whatever he wants me to do he will plead and plead and make ever excuse as to why he can’t do it. The rare occasions I don’t give in to him it makes him snippy and irritable.

I only have my mum really as a support and she thinks everything is fine and considering she was helping us pay for the wedding I’m kind of frightened to say bad things about him. I don’t really have friends and if I do they’re his friends too.

As a last point, I think I’ve covered everything, no I couldn’t live with myself if I even dared treat someone the way he does. My experience with men if fairly bad, I was sexually assaulted as a teenager so anything that isn’t that I think is pretty good.

Bless you He will only keep dragging you down in the dumps.i hope you can find the strength to be on your own! It's not a nice feeling,thinking you can't be alone with out a man! As I felt the same and probably will with every partner(not that I want loads) Where is your nearest town,do you live close to your mum.that would be a hard thing,stuck in a village with little bus service xx

Make sure your contraception is good. The last thing you need is another baby. This is no life for a 23 year old - another 60 years of this crap? Horrible to even think about. to you OP seems really tough.

Financially I have no idea how I could cope. I can’t drive, we live in a small village with no shop and I just wouldn’t know where to start.

Could you move somewhere more convenient for those that don't drive? Sorry I may've missed it- did you say the house is in your name with the HA? Or joint names?

If you have a debit card you can get a supermarket delivery so you at least don't have to worry about organizing fetching food.

I think if it were me I'd move somewhere more useful for non-drivers.

Why in gods name did you have children with this idiot?

Save your children, leave the idiot.

"I struggle with the idea of being a single parent for a couple of reasons.

1. I don’t how how I would actually go about verbalising this to him, I would get quite nervous. I never normally speak my mind.
2. I would worry that I wouldn’t be good enough just on my own for my kids. They’re two boys and they need a daddy. Although he’s not really teaching them how to be men very well.
3. Financially I have no idea how I could cope. I can’t drive, we live in a small village with no shop and I just wouldn’t know where to start."

OP - you have to be able to speak your mind in a relationship. If you can't speak your mind to your life partner, then - at the risk of being melodramatic - your relationship is doomed and you are in for a life of being exploited, worked to the bone and generally miserable. In fact, if you can't speak your mind to your life partner then they are by definition wrong for you. There are ups and downs in any long-term relationship but overall your relationship with your partner should be fulfilling, sustaining and a source of support, nurture, security and pleasure. That's what your fiancé should be giving you. It is, by the way, what you're giving him. But all he does is take and all you do is give and it's unsustainable.

Little boys are better off with no daddy than one who is lazy and a bad role model. Sometimes one parent has to do the work of two. And in fact, he may actually start to parent more and better if you are separated and he is having to do some parenting without you.

If you can look after two tiny children then you can learn to drive and get yourself straight financially! You've already embarked on parenthood - that's the most responsible and serious job in the world. So you can do the rest. It will just require some thought and planning. And you need to have that independence for yourself and for your boys. And maybe you need to move to a different place which offers more - a shop for starters. And make some friends of your own so you're not just dependent on shared friends. You need people who will support you. I think you've just acquired a team of supporters on here but you need some in real life, too.

Start with your mum. Tell her what's going on. Tell her the wedding has to go on hold and may be called off. Tell her that you cannot continue with things the way they are because you are utterly worn down and miserable and it's worsening your physical health (how can it not be?). You should only marry someone if you are truly excited at the prospect of spending the rest of your life with that person. You cannot possibly marry this man. You are 23 - you could have 50 or 60 or more years with someone who exploits and abuses you. Just no. You and your DC deserve so much better than this!

As a PP said, there is so much to unpick here.

First of all, I'm sorry that you're struggling with health problems and I am sure that being physically vulnerable makes leaving him feel insurmountable. However, remember that making the decision in your head doesn't mean you have to literally pack up & go this week.

Start finding out about resources. Go on the entitled to website to give you an idea of finances, call Women's Aid to get emotional support, keep posting on here where we'll all reassure you and remind you that his behavior is unacceptable. Find out when the tenancy will be renewed & go to Citizens Advice to find out if you'd be able to refuse to sign with him but stay in your property. Start squirelling away some of the UC & tell him that you cannot pay all the direct debits. They are his kids too so it is his joint responsibility to house, clothe & feed them.

Also, without being patronizing, you are both so young. Where on earth did he learn to be such a shit so young? And you are far too young & switched on to accept this for the next decade or two, while your kids jump in his bandwagon because it's him with money for the fun things & no chores.

You are already juggling so much. Leaving him would not be simple, but it would be the best thing you've ever done, long-term. Xx

Secondly (because there was a lot), some of your barriers to leaving are things that can be fixed.

Your health might get better with your operation (also your health is a reason a decent partner would be helping you far more).

Driving can be learnt when you have time & are able to save some money for yourself.

Money can be managed. If you're paying so much on UC right now, you're probably better at budgeting than half of the people on here. You'll figure out a new budget, you may need to move, buy surely that's better than decades of being ground down.

He is not your equal in anything. Not in childcare, not in housework, not in finances. And I'm sorry but that comment about him just waking off in front of you when you're really not in the mood... It made my skin crawl. But is he interested about why you're not in the mood? Of course not, because he's not treating you equally or fairly in anything.

Now you've seen these responses, you know deep down that it's not right, and you'll have a nagging feeling that will drive you mad if you don't try to get out. Xx

Great advice OP. We are in your corner. Keep posting here and unpicking you’re thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been though similar journeys of separation with kids and the fear of being alone. I know I certainly have. And I was much older than you. You’ll get through that with the right support. And if you do some necessary work on yourself - someone up thread mentioned counselling which you should definitely have to deal with the sexual abuse and what it’s led you to believe is what youre worth, as well as for the impact of what you’ve been through with your fiancé. You have your life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on this doomed relationship.

You could be entitled to PIP/disability payments which will help you. It can be quite a substantial sum. It's worth looking into. List all the conditions you suffer from on the form- both physical and also anything like depression/anxiety or other MH issues.

If I really don’t want to he will just wank himself off in front of me

I didn't spot this bit until a PP mentioned it. Ewww, what a turn off.