Fiancé stuff? Should I just live with it?

[MousyArtist]

So, I feel a bit bad writing this but please don’t judge me. I’m just at the end of my tether a bit.

My partner and me have been together almost five years and we have two boys aged three and one.
I love him but he doesn’t do anything at all. Apart from going to work, sleeping and eating he hardly does anything and I’m tired.
I am grateful for the fact he goes to work and supports us this way but other than that...I don’t know.
He hardly ever cooks his own dinner and if he does he won’t stop talking about how he did it or using it as an excuse not to do something later on.
Never cleans up after himself, as in I will always pick up his uniform off the floor and put his boots and bag away etc.
As with the children I have to ask him to help when he’s around, if he can bath them or put them to bed. There’s normally an excuse not to do this such as saying he will clean the kitchen and then never does. He never get down on the floor and plays with them. Just won’t do it even if I ask, again there’s normally an excuse.
He always gets me to wash his uniform/clothes and put them up to dry, make his lunches etc.
He will ask me to do other things around the house during the day, as if I’ve got time on top of everything else.
Even though I’m not working and receive universal credit he has cancelled over the space of a year all direct debits and now asks me to pay for them. He might put a bit towards them occasionally, it varies.
He relishes telling anyone the me and him do things the old fashioned way and he goes to work while I do house and kids. I don’t know what to think really other than I just wish he’d do a bit more, and get off his damn phone. I’m just knackered. I don’t end up getting to bed until three in the morning because I’m trying to fit everything into the day.
I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being whiny, maybe I am, but I don’t know what to do anymore. He’ll get snippy with me when I bring things like this up so I’m anxious to do that.
I just wondered what everyone thought and what I should do. Altogether I’m feeling pretty resentful towards him and not really feeling like I love him all as much as I did. Thanks in advance

Looking forward to see what you do next. We’re all rooting for you. You sound like such a lovely person and that’s why he’s latched onto you.

"Looking forward to see what you do next. We’re all rooting for you. You sound like such a lovely person and that’s why he’s latched onto you."

This absolutely!

Thanks again to all of you. I’m sorry I don’t remember to mention all your usernames but I’m overwhelmed by all you responses.

Update a little I guess: I decided to approach the subject of him doing nothing after I have put the boys to bed this evening. I don’t feel it went all that well and decided during the conversation with him not to mention money. For context we were sat at my dining table and I was trying to have the chat with him but he was to interested playing his stupid computer game on my laptop - which incidentally I didn’t get for that purpose, I got it for my studying which I’m not doing at the minute. He wouldn’t pause the game or turn it off. Eye contact was limited. I said to him about him needing to do more stuff to help out at home and that while I understands he works, he needs to use his off work time better. I also told him about my eldest son mimicking his behaviour and that this wasn’t right either. I said I’m absolutely knackered and I need more help from him. All of this talk was met with grunts of disapproval, denial or turning it back on me. He said he does help a lot when he’s off work - must be living in cloud cuckoo land then.
And he said that he needs time to play on his phone etc because that’s his down time. He said I get down time when the boys go to bed. I told him this is not true considering I do housework in the evening too. And if my children wake up in the night etc. All in all he got a bit snippy and moody from the whole thing and now I don’t know what to do. He put the thought back in my head that it’s not that bad at all and it could be worse.

I was also looking at my banking app and realise that he has sometimes been using my card to pay for his petrol. I’m not going to bring this up with him because I’m not confident enough and would be quite scared as to what he might say. Having worked out what he pays for, and what his wages are leaves him with about a £1000 that I never see. I don’t know where it all goes.
Thanks again to you all x

He is being very abusive towards you and the DC. Don't try and discuss things with him instead speak to woman's aid and get the support you need to leave.

If you don't you and the DC will have a life time living in poverty whilst he spends money on anything he wants, when you get home after your treatment he won't look after you and the boys he will expect you to carry on as normal etc. As far as he is concerned all money is his and you are there to do all the work and childcare.

You are too frightened to talk to him - you should never be too frightened to talk to your partner!

He wants you trapped there with him.

What are you afraid of? His anger, or that he’ll leave?
I’m really sad to hear how he treated you tonight, he acted like a sulky teenager.

Oh girl! You seem so lovely and you deserve so much better! You might not think it now but I PROMISE you life will be so much easier without him dragging you down! You know this isn’t right and you know it’s not right for you and your sons! You need to dig deep and find your inner strength! I promise you it’ll all be worth it in the end!!

Please do not marry this man. Your life is a drudge. It's shocking that he treats you and his children like this.

I don't know how you do it but you want him out of the house and your life. He will not have contact with his children after a couple of months- he won't bother.

He is treating you like utter crap and you deserve so much better.

And get a new bank card and hide it.

Change your password on the app. He doesn't have a right to know. He doesn't get to demand the money set aside for your children when he's got £1000 to himself each month.

OP he won't change because he doesn't want to. He has things just how he wants them - with you subservient to him in all ways.

If your situation, and that of your children, is going to change for the better, it will be because you have bitten the bullet and made it change. It will be hard but it does need to be done I'm afraid. I hope you manage to find the courage to get away from him.

In my experience the £££ my ex had for his personal spends went up his nose.

It takes time to build up the courage to separate. Baby steps. Confined in your mum or friends and make a plan. There is a whole new life out there and you can flourish without this dead weight holding you back.

He's stealing your time, money and happiness. You and DCs deserve better than him.

He sounds awful and the way he is abusing you financially is shocking. It's extreme.
I hope you manage to leave him.

I agree with changing the password. He shouldn’t even be using your card for petrol. Bloody their! And why is he using your laptop? He’ll would freeze over if my dh started to hog mine, he can use his own or in fact buy his own.
Who owns the house? Do you have somewhere else to stay?
He is financially abusing you.
Do not marry him. Get rid of him!

I'm a single parent. I have boys who were around your dcs ages at the time of the split.

I promise you that it's far easier to do it yourself without someone who makes things harder. You get into a routine and have a happy, calm home.

I retrained, studied and now have a pretty good job, lovely home, happy dcs. I've never felt judged and if people did, I'd give them a wide berth.

Please don't fear it, the control you get back feels so much better than living in misery. You are absolutely worth more than this. He's a loser.

Whose name is on the tenancy?

OP you're already doing everything for your kids PLUS cleaning up after/feeding/having terrible sex with your partner. Being a single parent can't be that much harder, he's not contributing anything now anyway.

Get help and make a plan. Don't marry him.

Love is about enhancing the life of the person you love and making life better for them. What he's giving you is not love.

Take control of your banking app and bank card for a start.

Also sending his mum money for car insurance - sounds like he could be fronting (saying someone else is primary driver of a vehicle in order to get cheaper premiums). It can lead to serious trouble including a criminal conviction.

www.rac.co.uk/insurance/car-insurance/guides/what-is-fronting

You have lung problems and money problems yet you both smoke? I know there are bigger issues here but I can see one way of helping both of those issues immediately. My bf has recently quit smoking and I was shocked to discover that 20 cigarettes now cost around £12! He was spending £85 a week smoking 20 a day!
The next is to get rid of him. Not many women become a single parent by choice, or set out to be a single parent but plenty of us do it and do a better job than two parents who are making each other miserable. It sounds like he puts his happiness way above yours and that's not someone you should be promising to spend the rest of your life with op. You are so young and your life can be so much more.

OP, please repeat to yourself again and again "this is not normal, this is not OK, I am not crazy, and me and my children do deserve better".

I think many women rely on others to validate their feelings (not wiser-than-thou BS, I do it too) and when the person in front of you is outright ignoring you, minimising your concerns and invalidating your thoughts, it is hard to keep a grip on what you know to be true.

Write it down. This thread is a very clear indication of the way that you feel and it's a catalogue of aggressions and abuse. Start writing everything down - remembered or ongoing - that upsets you, frustrates you, times you have been exhausted or intimidated or felt like you are screaming underwater. Keep a paper diary (keep it hidden) or send emails to yourself at your new, secret [email protected] address, and read it whenever you're doubting yourself.

In order not to drown in it, you can also use this diary/email log to write to your future self about how you want to feel and the things you want to do when you're free of him. Write to future Mousey about how calm and relaxed your family home will be. How your boys will spend a lovely afternoon playing with your mum who just popped over to give you a chance to study. How after bedtime you'll both have a glass of wine and a chat, before heading off to bed by 11 pm for a good night's sleep. I bet that is currently an unimaginable scenario right now.

Validating how you feel, listening to your own instincts, and visualising what you actually want will all help you to act and to get away from this toad.

Someone up-thread said "baby steps", and they are right. Leaving feels hard and scary, and there are so many things to sort out... but individual tasks are achievable. Break it into steps.

Call Women's Aid
Set up a new, private email address
Set up a new bank account (all docs to your mum's address)
Stop all "wedding saving" and divert this to your "secret" bank account
Speak to your GP who might be able to put you in touch with local services
Go on Entitled To website and get concrete figures for income support
Speak to the CAB if you can get to one
Write everything down in a diary or email log
Get copies of boys' birth certificates and keep passports safe

ONLY IF YOU FEEL SAFE TO DO SO
Change the login on your Natwest account and report your card stolen
Stop performing wife duties for your partner (you have asked for more help, stop washing his uniform/making him lunches/cleaning the bathroom/hoovering/etc.)

Your eyes are open, everyone here is rooting for you, and deep down, you know you're right.

My dear woman, change is scary but you need to effect a change for the benefit of you and your children. Get some emotional support in real life and show him the front door. Move back closer to your own family.
See if you are entitled to disability benefits as well.
Get a bit stricter with children clearing up their mess or you’ll create a replica of the lazy and egocentric toad you have decided to set up home with.
Short term put your card out of his reach.
Stop doing his laundry.
Move to sleep on the sofa if you don’t have a spare room.
Don’t keep cash around the house.
Do a mental shift that moves away from the idea of him ‘helping’.

There are few who would not think we lived a traditional or even old fashioned family life. When the children were tiny my husband had three jobs to help build a better future.
Virtually all money came from him. We had equal access to it all; not that there was much spare back then.Hed have taken a fourth job rather than see me or the children go without.
I did most of childcare. I also studied - I’d recommend you continued to study to improve your chances in the future.
He always did the traditionally male jobs - bins, window cleaning, mowing grass, laundry and ironing, cleaning oven, bringing shopping in, cleaning car etc. He also did lots of good things with the children and I had a lie in at the weekends although his working hours did limit his availability. He used to push our crying baby for hours in her prom to keep her quiet and content - at 10pm after a long day’s work.

Old fashioned can work well, with clearly defined and fulfilled roles. You haven’t got old fashioned or traditional. You’ve got lazy freeloader.

Hi OP - excellent advice from @holrosea and @CherryPavlova has told you what a proper traditional set up should be and, as she said, you don't have traditional, you have lazy freeloader. And yes, you should start work on giving up smoking - I can see why it might feel like your only pleasure right now but you have a lung condition already and smoking can't help. Being so young, you could easily live to see grandchildren and great-grandchildren and you want to be around to do that. But you've got other more pressing sorting out to do right now so maybe giving up smoking can be a project for 2021.

Follow Holrosea's advice and you will be fine. You have time to plan your escape. You just need to make sure you don't find yourself getting married to this lazy freeloader before you're able to get away because that will make things more complicated (and you won't get any benefit from marriage to him - he will continue to shift for himself and will use it as an excuse to steal even more from you and his DCs - he already thinks that what's his is his and what's yours is his; imagine his attitude after you're married).

From that perspective, COVID is actually your friend here. You haven't mentioned a date (or if you have, I've missed it). But assuming it was supposed to be later this year, you can legitimately put it off until next year on the basis everything is still so uncertain. And make that the second half of next year.

Get some real life support from your mother, also. She surely would want you away from this man if she knew the truth.

There is no conversation that can be had. He is abusive and unpleasant. You need to end it. Talk to your mum and be honest. You could be loved, having fun not being treated like a slave. Lose him, get your life back.

Suggest start with a list of bills

Council tax
Rent gas/electric
TV licence/Netflix
Insurance
Internet
Mobile phones
Food, cleaning products, toiletries
Water
Other

His car, his insurance, his petrol

Clothes

Luxuries/savings

Does he pay into a work place pension ?

Then look at your income & his income
You should be paying a percentage each

You should be claiming the child benefit in your name, because it pays your NI until oldest child is 12 I believe. You can check on www.gov.uk

I think that he is NOT paying enough of the household bills ?

Oh my goodness OP, this is awful. Please show yourself some love and respect and ask him to leave. He’s a leech - on your money, your time and your whole life.