Help me leave

[Crass12]

I tried to post 3 times and every time I get to the end I choke and delete

20 years with an abusive asshole - how do you leave without losing everything you worked for?

He’s currently in hospital for at least the next 4 days

AIBU to ask if it’s worth shutting up and putting up if it makes the youngest DC happy? Or do I just dump him while he’s in hospital?

OP, secure council tenancy dare like gold dust. Why on earth does he deserve it anyway. TBH he might be over occupying and the council could well not let you transfer the tenancy anyway. Please call the council tomorrow morning and get proper advise. I’m so sorry you are going through this but don’t put yourself in private rented accommodation.

I have 4 children. 9 15 23 28. The two eldest have their own homes.
The thing is I’m a terrible mother. My eldest has severe MH issues because of my inability to be a parent. I apologise to them regularly and try and make amends but it’s my fault and I know the eldest would be over the moon for me to leave. The younger ones are my H kids too and they do love him

@Hippofrog thank you. I know there like rocking horse poo but there is more than likely a family that needs it more than me.
I can afford private rent, it would be a struggle but not impossible

Are you sure you're a bad mother, @Crass12. Or is that just something he has convinced you of?

Ok. So you have a 9y old and a 15 y old at home?

Tell me what you mean by “inability to parent” - specifically, what is it you are saying you can’t/don’t do?

My god he is a danger. If it were me I'd want to go somewhere where he didnt know where I lived but depends what contact he'll have with the kids after you've left?
Does he have a criminal record?
You're so brave and strong OP. I can't imagine going through all that, raising 2 kids and doing so well with work.
The number one thing you should do is either leave or tell him not to come back and change the locks again. How the hell did he get them changed back?
And please contact your family, they'll be delighted to hear from you I bet.
Please take care and good luck. You can do this.

Hi - registered to answer. Women’s Aid are great but don’t have a 24 hr helpline, and you could be redirected to a social services helpline, which is not as specialised. Try refuge.org.uk to get support at any time. Also ncdv.org.uk could be helpful as they will sort injunctions and non-mols if appropriate. Whilst you have this couple of days ring round a few, see where you connect and where the best support is for you. The police have a duty to help but whilst he is in hospital it isn’t an emergency situation in their remit. Though I would be surprised if you/he were not flagged up on their systems, so I would contact them anyway on 101 and ask for their MASH team or DV unit. You can do this, but it will be scary for you - get all the support you need. Your family will more than likely want to be some of this support, think about giving them that option. Hiding/refuge may be a preference but it’s difficult at moment with few spaces, and I don’t know if he would persuade your kids to tell him where you are? But help is there from folk who have dealt with all your worries previously, and will not judge any decision you take at any point. You really must get help for you, you know this, life cannot be worse without him, it will be hard, different and have some difficulties but it will be better. Please do phone the helplines at least, and I’m sure you will get brilliant advice on here as well. Be kind to yourself.

I've been in hospital and there was a patient there who became homeless during his stay, the hospital wouldn't discharge him until he had somewhere to go. The hospital got the council involved and found somewhere for the patient to go.

@wilone84 yes I am a bad mother. I’m the reason why my DC has MH issues. If I was a proper parent I’d have kicked him out 19 and a half years ago. As it is, I’m still being a shit mother. I don’t deserve my my children

Other than “not kicking him out” what do you do/not do that you think makes you a shit parent?

@MsJinks thank you. Some good information there. I am flagged and have been heard at MARAC before

@Crass12. The family that needs it it you and your family, you deserve the house! If you were a bad mother you wouldn’t be here asking for advise.

@SmileEachDay I have let them down massively by staying in an abusive marriage so in effect I’ve abused them by doing so

Crass12

Ok - I can see why you’d say that.

What else? Are your children fed/clothed/loved/educated/do they have appropriate boundaries/are they physically safe?

I just want to say thank you and I’m still here but it’s been so long since I’ve spoken about this it’s overwhelming so I’m going to nick off for a bit so the kids don’t see me upset

They are fed clothed loved. I got some fantastic info a few years ago from tripleP. I try and be a model parent but I know it’s a whitewash because I don’t address the elephant in the room and do what any good mother would and leave

OP now you have the chance to leave and be the best mother that you can be.

You can do this - don't be so hard on yourself

OP go and be with your kids just now. Tell when we can listen some more.

*yell

Leave. I left with nothing but gained everything. I got me back. I got a life and love and laughter and happiness. I was a SAHM with no earning potential. But I did it. Best decision ever. Good luck x

No don’t blame yourself for your husband’s behaviour, all you did is make decisions at the time that you thought /seemed to be for the best for your family - you can’t change these, and you can only leave and make it work when it’s the right time for you to do so, so don’t look back, but equally don’t think it’s too late. If you’ve been heard at MARAC the cops know your husband is an arsehole and they will support you extra quickly in any emergency. Please do phone places - just get a bit of connection with some place can give you real support and maybe you need time still to start to see it’s not you, you have value, you are a good person who loves your kids before you take further steps - just take one at a time - don’t pressure yourself to jump into what you think is expected or needed this minute but do, please do talk to the professionals. You’re brave already, never doubt that. Keep being kind to yourself.

Don't drop your house. It's your security. It's your home. Private renting is much less secure (I know this) and much more hassle. It never feels like your own in the way a council house does.

His housing is not your problem- nor is his money. Nor is his mental health (if he threatens to kill himself then call 999.) You owe this man nothing - he's threatened to kill and severely injured you in the past.

The thing is I’m a terrible mother. My eldest has severe MH issues because of my inability to be a parent.

Aww nonsense OP. xxxxx This bloke has mashed your self-esteem. I have MH problems and it's not my mum's fault (it is probably partly my dad's fault- but then again MH issues happen, they don't always have a cause, people can be born with the tendency to develop them.)

And no-one thinks you're a twat. xxx

it’s my fault and I know the eldest would be over the moon for me to leave.

If they feel like that about you then they should leave your home and get their own. People with MH problems can live independently- with support from services if need be.

I have let them down massively by staying in an abusive marriage so in effect I’ve abused them by doing so

No, it's not that easy to leave, especially when there's life-threatening violence, or the bloke changed the locks again and won't fuck off. If he does that again maybe call the police. A lot of women get stuck with abusive men and find it hard to leave for a long time. It's not like you haven't done things over the years to try and break free.

Please seek help again. xxxxx

If they feel like that about you then they should leave your home and get their own. People with MH problems can live independently- with support from services if need be

Her eldest is living independently- I think the OP meant her eldest child/ren would be delighted if she leaves her husband.

OP, I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I can see myself in some of the things you're saying about yourself. You're not a twat and you're not responsible for his actions. If your eldest has MH problems because of the abuse then it's you H's fault, not yours. Yes, you could have left but you're a victim too. You've been given some really good advice and places to start upthread so no need for me to repeat it. You can stop being a victim and start being a survivor. Believe in yourself, you deserve a happy life.

Yes sorry, my 2 eldest are living independently. They had to live through hell and I suppose I’m trying to do the best by everyone but thus far have failed epically.
H won’t let my DS in the house. I have told him to F off and I’ll have him round when I want but he makes it so uncomfortable when he does come round. He keeps telling me that I shouldn’t love my son more than him and when I try and say that actually I will never love him more than DS he gives me the silent treatment and it usually evolves to him hitting me