Help me leave

[Crass12]

I tried to post 3 times and every time I get to the end I choke and delete

20 years with an abusive asshole - how do you leave without losing everything you worked for?

He’s currently in hospital for at least the next 4 days

AIBU to ask if it’s worth shutting up and putting up if it makes the youngest DC happy? Or do I just dump him while he’s in hospital?

I have an awesome family. Not perfect but no one is. Would it be ok if I just give you a bit more information? I’m sorry to go on but I have spoken to anyone about the true extent

Talk as much as you need.

But call them. Please

Would it be ok if I just give you a bit more information

Of course.

OP, there's a great book about abusive men called 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft) - I definitely recommend it

It's great you're reaching you for help. Many women have left abusive relationships (including me) you can do it too.

You can change the locks on your council
House IF the tenancy is in your name OP. Don’t let him back in x

So was sexually abused by family member from age 4 - 11 (family member died when I was 12)
Then got into a sexual relationship with a 21 year old at 12 and before I hit 13 I’d had an abortion. The relationship ended when I was 15 and he had got another girl pregnant who was about the same age.
Got together with my eldest’s dad which lasted 7 years and then with my 2nd eldest’s dad for 5 years. Both left but I don’t hold any grudges for doing so.
20 years ago when trying to get over DS dad I started seeing my H. He seemed different and to be honest I was excited. God knows why.
The head fucks came quite soon after and then the physical beatings. He poured petrol over me and threatened to set me alight. He beat me so hard I ended up in hospital for 3 days. Blah blah, you’ve heard it all before and you are quite rightly thinking I’m a twat. I am I know.
I worked hard to better myself, I have good jobs but I struggle because I can’t tell anyone what happens

Also call and speak to your Housing manager at the council. They can help you if he becomes aggressive etc. It’s YOUR home in your name, it’s security for your children. Do not let him take over the tenancy. He had no right to live in your house.

OP I don’t think you’re a twat. I think you’re dealing with enormous trauma.

Do you want to talk about anything else your husband has done?

I should also say I tried to leave him about 3 months ago but he tried to hang himself. I cut him down but I’m petrified he’ll try again and succeed

OP

That must have been very scary for you.

How old are your children?

Good God.

PLEASE change the locks, speak to the police and Social Services, ask for help, report all the domestic violence and coercive control. Hospital for three days?! You have proof.

The children shouldn't be anywhere near him.

GET HIM OUT.

You can do it.

He has no right to be there.

Once he realises you won't give in and the police are involved, he will back off. His ONLY power is that he's convinced you that you can't do it and has you frightened.

Without him you will blossom. Anti-social and introverted? I bet you bloody are living with a monstrous abuser.

Please please please speak to the police and social services while he is in hospital, report the abuse and ask for a restraining order to keep him away.

I am down on housing list but as band b so I’ll be forever on it. This doesn’t bother me as there are homeless families that need the help more. I asked if I could be housed in a certain area 200 miles away and was refused. They also refused to house me close to my family as they said it wasn’t safe enough

That isn’t your problem my lovely it really isn’t. Please, please don’t let him back. Don’t let your children think it’s ok for anyone to behave like that. If you speak to your housing manager they will help you, possible change the locks for you if he’s a threat and put extra security measures in place for you. They would also be able to signpost your to other organisations locally to help you. I’ve worked in social housing for over 20 yrs I know that they could help you.

You really need to speak to the police about what he's done I know it's so bloody hard but Christ OP he's a Cunt. Once you get police involved it will become easier to get a move and get him a way for good.

If you want to be housed 200 miles away go
on homeswopper and exchange your property. Don’t give up your tenancy.

Leave. Change licjs, talk to council about housing, alert police. Use these 4 days to protect you and your kids.

Hi there, @Crass12 - we're just bobbing on to your thread to let you know that we're moving it over to our Relationships topic and we hope you get some good advice and support on there.

We also wanted to point you in the direction of our advice page where you'll find some useful links and contact details.

We hope you're able to seek some RL help, @Crass12 - and thanks to everyone on the thread who has offered advice and support.

Contact the council, tell them the situation & ask for 'target hardening'. They'll sort your security, advise on tenancy, put you in touch with local services & basically just be a bloody good help. They were for me. Hope the team is as good in your area.

**Note. For any other ladies, you don't have to be a council tenant to use 'target hardening'. They offer the same service to private rents & owner occupiers too.

Thanks LouMN

@GarlicMonkey, I was going to use that exact phrase myself. I’m sure a change of locks will come under TH as an emergency job for the OP.

OP that's truely terrible. Please leave. Also I suspect that's total bollocks about you being reclusive. Hes probably totally destroyed your confidence over the years. It will come back once you're free & can rebuild your life. Good luck to you.

What should I say to my children? I suppose if I knew they were ok I’d up and leave.
I don’t care about the house, he can have it. I don’t care I really don’t but if I leave with my DC he won’t be eligible for the house and would lose it.
I have thought about just letting him have the child benefit and any UC so he can keep the house and I’ll just private rent with the children. What do you all think? Sorry but have absolutely no one irl that I can talk to

@BeenHereForAges no I’m not a recluse by nature but lost my friends and family over the years. I love talking to people, I think that’s why I’ve thrown myself into my career

How old are your kids?

You said you have a lovely family - parents? Siblings? Who is there who might be able to support you.

OP don't give up you house. He's not on the tenancy so you have every right to kick him out.

There is something called the Sanctuary Scheme which you may be able to get access to. Google your council and put in Sanctuary Scheme and see if your LA run it. People will come to your home and secure it for you, they will change the locks etc for you.

Legal options are an Occupation Order which regulates the family home and a Non Molestation Order which prevents him from coming near you. You can contact the NCDV for more information regarding those.

Also contact your Housing Officer and explain the situation tomorrow, they will be able to advise regarding the house.

You can also contact Shelter, have your contract to hand for the call.

Other options are to contact your local Domestic Abuse organisation which you can find here.