Would this make you suspicious

[alwaysonedramalama]

Hi everyone I'm just looking for different views . Am I being paranoid or would it start people's mind going in to over drive . Me and my partner , well now mostly my partner don't like the use of phones in bed as soon as we go up the phones are on the floor charging . The other night I left mine on the bed side table and he moved it to where his phone was . He's that bad 😂. For around 8 years he was always in bed on his phone until I realised he was on a what's app group full of his Pervy work mates sending each other porn . I made clear from the start of our relationship this is one thing I wouldn't tolerate . He agreed but obviously lied . So I give him another chance and again he kept doing it so I actually ended it . He came back and promised that was it and I believed him and still do but tonight has been really odd he came to bed with his phone in his short pocket . It's always in his hand and he puts in on charge he dives straight in to her takes it out quick so I don't notice and puts it under his pillow , he never sleeps in his back always on his side where I cuddle in and we go to sleep but he was adamant to stay on his back tonight . Obviously to lay flat on his phone 😅 just wondering what the hells going on really x

Well there's no trust and he sounds like a utter twat so.......

There's always something with him , I will have it out with him in the morning. I have just been talking to my friend and she has asked if he's been acting differently lately so I said no but I just remembered Friday he came home from work and another thing he doesn't do no more is take his phone to the bathroom with him when he's having a shower , one I think it's gross and two he doesn't want me to think he's watching porn 🤣 so Friday he comes in and doesn't leave it on the table , has a shower comes out she says his phone died in work , then doesn't bother charging it until we come to bed as soon as he does it's on 60 percent so he lied again for some reason . I'm just not getting it

Your relationship sounds weirdly controlling and unhealthy. Lots of statements of control and tension followed by grinning smiley faces.

Maybe the guy just wants to watch porn. You can’t physically stop him no matter how hard you try. If you don’t like it end it. I simply cannot imagine being in a relationship where I have such an intimate knowledge of my partners phone battery and use that to make deductions. How suffocating.

It is very controlling . Iv become controlling these last two years because of everything that has gone on . 😭 as for the porn I was in a relationship with a man for 20 years and he had a lien addiction and was so abusive with it . It's damaged me . But if I said that's the one thing in a relationship that I will not tolerate. And I mean from the very start him agreeing and promising me that he won't do it to me constantly then finding it years after then if that makes me controlling so be it . As for the phone use in the bathroom and bedtime that's all him for some reason I don't know. I don't like technology in the bedroom mind . And the only thing I can't stand it people taking their phones to the bathroom with them . I help my son off for this too it's so unhygienic. Also phone use is taking over everything so surely people can go to the toilet with out having to take their phone . Maybe I'm old but I just don't get it . As for the battery I didn't stalk his phone to know what percent it was on . He said it was dead so that means 0 battery . As soon as we went to bed and he plugged it in it came on and was straight on 60 so to me that means he lied and purposely turned his phone off himself . He's been a sod with his phone two years ago even changing his code every single night . I think stuff like that would make anyone paranoid

Sorry about my spelling 😂 hope you can make out what I'm trying to say .

Is he asleep? Can you look at his phone?

Hi 😊 he's fast asleep , Iv come down stairs now make myself a cup of hit chocolate and put a film on . Fatal attraction not the best one right now ha ha . I could check his phone and I was dying too. I have people on her apologising when they do saying I know it's wrong and I shouldn't have but I think they only say it because they don't want to get abused on here . If you have a good enough reason I'd say anyone would do it . As for just being nosy then no. The only reason why I haven't is because I don't want to get in to that habit again . I lived constantly on my nerves and always ended up finding things that just broke my heart . So in a way I don't want to upset myself just incase I do find something . I will ask him in the morning not why he slept with it under his pillow but the way he went about getting it there . X

If he does carry on being odd then I will have to check it and put my mind at rest x

I understand. But just because you don’t like technology in the bedroom shouldn’t mean he can’t use his phone too! It’s one of my greatest pleasures, bed at the end of a busy day, finally on my own without any demands made on me, a relaxing hour or so reading forums or websites or replying to friends before I sleep. I wouldn’t give that up for anyone.

If it’s the lying that’s bothering you (it would me too) and you’re certain you want a partner who doesn’t watch porn then you need to break up. It will be very very difficult to find a guy who doesn’t though. Most people I know enjoy it, men and women. You might be really minimising your options.

Alternatively if things are otherwise worth it with him you could attempt therapy and see if you can try emotionally heal from your previous relationship so you don’t feel the need to police his porn use. But if you’re finding yourself becoming controlling with someone it’s not a good sign for a healthy relationship.

Are you not able to ask him what's going on with his phone use recently? Like honestly and openly explaining everything you've said here?

I don't want to be unkind but this relationship sounds like it's dead. He's broken your trust in the past and you can't even trust him now to talk to him about it because you're sure he would deny it.

Leaving a relationship is never easy but I really don't think this is worth pushing on with, it sounds like a horrible way to live your life.

@alwaysonedramalama

If he does carry on being odd then I will have to check it and put my mind at rest x

See like here, no, you won't 'have to check it'. The trust is already gone. Either you check and he's been lying, you explode, he grovels and makes excuses for his behaviour and you're trapped in another miserable cycle, or you don't check it, keep your mouth shut about everything and live every day feeling paranoid.

If you can't ask him outright, you should leave before you compromise your own integrity by snooping through his phone.

as for the porn I was in a relationship with a man for 20 years and he had a lien addiction and was so abusive with it . It's damaged me . But if I said that's the one thing in a relationship that I will not tolerate. And I mean from the very start him agreeing and promising me that he won't do it to me constantly then finding it years after then if that makes me controlling so be it .

If porn is a dealbreaker for you then you leave after the first time. You don't keep finding it and then telling your partner he's not allowed to watch it....then search again, then confront him again, then listen to him tell you he won't do it again and make him promise that he won't, then search again and repeat..... You leave.

Confront him

Ask him why he lied about the phone battery

Ask him why he's suddenly carrying his phone around like an iron lung

Prepare to be lied to

Suddenly obsessed with his phone - usually OW on the scene.

Some people take their phone to the toilet so they can get a tiny bit of time on their own. People need their own space and the bathroom is often the only place in the house to get that. It's not to watch porn but just to have time.

If you can't just ask him about something so simple as why there was charge on his phone when he said there wasn't or why he put it under his pillow you need to ask yourself why. Is it because he's doing something wrong or is it you being unreasonable ?

Hi everyone Thankyou all for your replies I do appreciate every single one of them . I have been thinking about getting therapy about my hate of prob because it has ruined and I would say even destroyed me as a person. My ex wouldn't sleep with me at all and I would constantly find his stash every where . Sorry to much info by here but spunky socks under the bed and then when I did try it in he would get pretty aggressive and say for me to leave him alone no wonder he doesn't find me attractive I'm fat and ugly and no one else wil want me . He would also carry in constantly too but because he made me feel like I was lucky to have him I put up with that for so long 😢. Iv not done anything to hurt my partner but he continues to break my trust in him . I am so easy to live with and he has a life of luxury with me . We both work full time and I do everything in the house food the lot he doesn't lift a finger . He's on his phone most of the time in work , because he's got a job which allows him too . I'd say a good 4 hours of his work day spent on social media , what's apping who he likes , then he comes home showers sits on his game all night then bed so this is why when he is actually not on technology I'd like a bit of us time with out it . We have the tv on in the bedroom he watches what he wants . I have actaully been thinking the last few days that I have become controlling . And I don't want to be like this . Iv also been thinking that I would be happier on my own and don't want any more relationships because I just don't want to be hurt no more x

If you both work full time why are you doing all the work? Surely there should be a division of chores! That’s a really bad example to be setting to children.

We haven't got any children together, I'm passed that lol . I think it's because I have grown up with my Nan and mother always doing everything for the men in the family and saying it's what women do that that's why I have always been like it ? I don't really know . But also he always seems to do things I ask really aggressively . So I know it pisses him off and I just want an easy life with no tension so I just do everything 😭 I know it's not good x

There's a complete lack of trust and respect in your 'relationship'.

How old are you both?

We are both in our 40 x

Does he treat you well? Does he acknowledge that you do all the work in the house and that fairies don’t pick up his dirty laundry and put it into his drawers clean, and they don’t make his meals?

I cant imagine being with a man in his forties and doing everything for him!

I've had pretty crappy experiences with men but not one of them has expected me to do everything! All of them have lived alone and were quite capable of looking after themselves.

I'm mid 40s and my bf is mid 50s. I do do anything for him that he wouldn't (and doesn't) do for me equally.

Surely he's lived on his own at some point and has these capabilities?

You have positioned yourself as the subordinate in the relationship.

Added to that, you don't trust him and are considering snooping on him. If you are not happy with the relationship, leave it.

*I don't do anything for him...

What's stopping you from leaving him OP?

"But if I said that's the one thing in a relationship that I will not tolerate."

But you are tolerating it. You think you can change this behaviour by having it out with him and giving him ultimatums? When you are no longer 'tolerating' it you are no longer speaking about it. It is over - that's no longer tolerating it.

I ended a relationship for similar reasons. It was really difficult because it was a lovely relationship in so many ways and as i'm in my fifties I won't have many more chances at love - I also had a long term relationship pervious to this that had damaged me. But I couldn't tolerate this type of problem. It won't stop and you will drive yourself mad.

Personally I don't mind guys looking at a bit of porn - I don't like it but I guess I accept it, for me though when an interest in porn is preferable to a real relationship (coupled with some low level gaslighting about the habit) that was my line.

Like others have said this seems a messed up relationship. No respect (another thing you cannot demand or ask for - though people insist on trying) or trust.

Maybe take some time apart and think apart what you want. A lifetime chasing after this guy while he slip and slides and lies?