Asking ex for a drink ..am I making a mistake?

[hallybe]

We got together and then he told me he just wanted to still see me but no commitment and he was sleeping with others.
I agreed but then he was sleeping around and I got jealous too many times.
I would shout at him.
He told me he wanted to end it because he was single and he was having chew like he was in a relationship.
We continued to text but he was telling me about girls he was sleeping with and I kicked off again and we fell out.
A month later he text me,we started speaking.
He still sleeps around (obviously not since Lockdown)
My feelings are still there
I want to ask him out for a drink
Should I ?
I miss him

JustC is right.

@JustC

I have said a few posts back, but I'll repeat. OP has done this post before with same results. Either she is bored and winding people up, or has serious problems.

Or both. Often those who come on to wind posters up are actually writing about something approximating a lived experience, but are hiding behind their pretence.

FYI I'm not winding anyone up.
This has been going on a while now
I don't enjoy being hurt
I just have feelings for him

But, @hallybe, you have feelings for a man who hurts you.

Again, I ask: what was the relationship with your father like growing up?

@BiPsychle it was ok really.
Not the best but not the worst

You're minimising. Of course you are. But the key is in your mother's premature death and your ambiguous relationship with your father. Which reflects your ambiguous relationship with this man.

I know. You won't want to look at this - not fully. But unless you do, it will run your life, as it is doing now.

Feelings are just feelings. They do not control your life. They are not so all powerful that you can't stop yourself being continually hurt. They are not an excuse for fucking your own life up. This is not a Romeo and Juliet love story - and look what the fuck happened to them (and they were young teenagers who had lack of experience as an excuse).

You may not 'enjoy' being hurt, but you are getting some kind of reward from it. It is fulfilling something for you. You neex to work out what that is.

And I 'just have feelings for him' is like saying your inability to help yourself is out of your control. And is also the battle cry of crazed stalkers.

OP, this is obsession, not real feelings. You have been given the same amswers over and over, on a previous thread as well. Yor refuse to accept any waybof moving forward. You wre not even in a long term relationship with this man. This is not healthy. There is no disecting this, he has been upfront about what he wants, you just refuse to accept it. Move on or seek help.

Hally, do you understand that part of being responsible for your own feelings is knowing how to recognise when they're unhealthy?

Everybody has feelings for people they shouldn't at some point. Probably most commonly people who are married, being attracted to people other than their spouse.

Be attracted to him, and walk away. Be attracted to him, and never acknowledge his existence again. Be attracted to him, and stop his poor treatment of you.

You can't switch attraction on and off. But you sound like a child who's had a chocolate bar and is whining 'But I want another one...' It's time to grow up and do what's right for you.

And I'm going to say what a very good friend said to me when I was talking (again) about an abusive relationship I thought I couldn't get out of cos 'I loved him': "This shit isn't special, it's not different, it's not original, it's actually really boring!"

You are not the only woman to have feelings for an unavailable man. You're not the only woman to love a shit head. You're not the only woman to get obsessed with fixing somene who doesn't want to be fixed. You're not the only woman this has happened to. And you have two futures: this pain or freedom.

And I'm out.

I have been there OP. I have taken someone back because I "had feelings". I believed him when he said he loved me. I was weak and deluded. I put myself through hell when I should have walked away. I must have really not loved myself to do that to myself. I was so blind.

So I can say this to you - you sound pathetic. Weak. and obsessed. Walk away. You have agency. You can control this. Feelings are not always to be acted on. You would not be valuing yourself at all to take this man back. How would you feel if your friend, your sister, wanted to do this?

My ex had done the same to someone else (and yes I ignored his treatment of her too) - but cheated and taken her back maybe 15 times over the years. He said to me that he knew she would always be there for him. He said that he knew she would never leave him. And she never did, both their behaviours got more extreme - his more horrible and hers more desperate. He had zero respect for her.

I don't think you'll listen and you will go back for more. But you could move on, and in the process develop self respect. Why would you even contemplate being with someone who cheated on you? Who put his penis into other people while you were there. Why do you still have feelings for that person, when the only feelings you should have should be anger?

@hallybe- been there, done that, got the emotional scars to prove it.

This man doesn’t not, will not and cannot love you.

Not because you are unattractive or not good enough but because he can’t. Men like him are broken beyond repair. Your love and making yourself a doormat for his abuse is not going to fix him and give you the happy ever after you want.
The more chances you give him, the more he’ll despise you.
The only one who deserves to be despised is him.

I thought I could never be happy if I let my abusive shit head go. At times the pain of the on/off push/pull pushed me down some dark roads.

When it finally ended instead of being heartbroken, you know how I felt?
Free.
No more wondering what was wrong with me. Who he’d be sleeping with next. What he’d do to hurt me and tell me I deserved it.
Free.

Let him go @hallybe. Be free.
Find yourself again and leave that fucker to rot.

Oh it's you again

This is going to sound pathetic
I realise I look pathetic,I realise I look like a mug,I realise it's not healthy.
I feel like an idiot.
I tell myself every morning I'm not going to text him.
It gets to 4 pm and I text him (if he hasn't already texted )
I'm sat here saying tomorrow I'm not going to acknowledge him..then tomorrow comes and I know il be tempted.
I can't seem to break the cycle

@Thingsdogetbetter I was an OP once and some people were saying that stuff about me very early on, that I wasn't listening etc.

The OP made the thread a whole 5 hours ago. It can take a while to see what people are saying etc, we can't expect most people to get their head round it in a few hours. (I get that people are saying she's made other threads though, but still.)

OP is clearly very vulnerable, or so it seems to me.

Let's not write the OP off just yet.

@TorkTorkBam It's him that first got back in touch with the OP, not the other way round.

You may not 'enjoy' being hurt, but you are getting some kind of reward from it.

@Thingsdogetbetter As with most women who are involved with wankers, I really doubt OP is getting anything rewarding out of the pain. She just is for some reason into the guy, plus he's deliberately fucking with her.

She doesn't enjoy him being nasty- but she needs to draw a line.

@hallybe I would write down all the awful things he's said and done. Sit and stare at it and try to drill it into your head, putting your attraction to him and desire for his approval aside.

He deliberately got off with someone in front of you- that must've been awful. He hurt you on purpose. He smirked! He gets off on it, maybe on seeing what he can do and say and you and the other girls still stick around.

If it helps you, write out here other stuff he's said and done. You need to look really look- strip away the veil of infatuation and see what this psychopath is like.

Delete his number and block him. Block him on SM.

Get a new phone so he doesn't have your number.

Why do you think you're not in charge?

@hallybe - You can't stop by thinking your way out of this. You need help. I needed help. Get yourself a therapist.

Aim higher op.

There are better fellas out there who are better in bed will treat you better and just be better in general.

He's a twat.

Block and delete.

Women up ffs stop trying to get back with someone who treats you like shit, shags other women and gives no ducks about hurting you.

Sorry to be blunt but you need a kick up the arse. What do your mates say about this whole situation?

OP. This has been going on for so, so, so long.

You need to start seriously working out why you're continuing to waste time and energy on someone who has flat out told you they don't want what you want.

Book a counselling session. Seriously. You need to DO SOMETHING.

What you're doing now isn't working is it? Feeling like shit, messaging him, him upsetting you, you posting on Mumsnet, everyone taking time to respond with suggestions of how to move on, you ignoring them and messaging him again and round and round you go.

Do you want him in your life OR do you want your life to be happy? You cannot have both, that is clear.

So which is it?

@hallybe don’t worry about what you’ll do tomorrow or the day after. Take it hour by hour if you have to.
If you feel like texting him, put your phone in another room while you watch a funny tv programme or do a YT workout.
Make yourself a cup of tea.
Paint your nails.
Write it in drafts but don’t send it.

If you find yourself dwelling on him give yourself 5 minutes to think of all his bad points. All of them.

If you don’t feel you can block him yet, mute him so you aren’t waiting for the notification to pop up on screen.

Before you reply ask yourself - will engaging with him now add to your life in the long term?

Picture a version of yourself a year from now, 5 years from now.
Focus on how happy she is. How confident. How loved.

Now ask yourself will replying to him or giving him one more chance now, help you get to that happier version of yourself? You know it won’t. So why waste your time?

You deserve far more than you are allowing yourself to receive.

@hallybe - You can't stop by thinking your way out of this. You need help. I needed help. Get yourself a therapist.

@BiPsychle The sisters on MN did help me see sense, by how shocked they were by my wrong'un's actions. But therapy is always good (good therapy anyway) if someone's finding it hard to move forward.

I think when people make threads they're already having doubts about the situation, they don't completely lack insight.

@hallybe Blocking is actually really easy. You just press the button on all the sites, phone, email. It's done in a few minutes. Think of it as just a physical action of your fingers and do it.

I can't seem to break the cycle

Click click click- done.

@nancybotwinbloom my friends say I'm a massive idiot.
Tell me he's not even a catch,he's messed up in the head,takes drugs,uses people,will never make me happy etc

Then why do you want to be with him? It makes no sense? He sounds totally awful! Does he have a cock made of gold or something? Stop being so desperate for this man that doesn’t want you it’s kind of embarrassing.

Lol @hallybe assuming you are the poster loads of us recognise from previous threads, I always feel like an eejit when I respond on your threads because you seem to without fail totally ignore what I say and respond to others but don't answer questions that could result in you getting more help.

That's even though I'm sharing advice based on having been in toxic situations myself.

It's your prerogative to answer who you want but your way of doing so rather indicates you don't want to do anything about this. You are just waiting for him to suddenly change and be nice to you and want just you. That is not going to happen. At all.

I'm pasting the below again in case you avtually do want constructive thoughts and to stop going round in circles...

Book a counselling session. Seriously. You need to DO SOMETHING.

What you're doing now isn't working is it? Feeling like shit, messaging him, him upsetting you, you posting on Mumsnet, everyone taking time to respond with suggestions of how to move on, you ignoring them and messaging him again and round and round you go.

Do you want him in your life OR do you want your life to be happy? You cannot have both, that is clear.

[quote hallybe]@nancybotwinbloom my friends say I'm a massive idiot.
Tell me he's not even a catch,he's messed up in the head,takes drugs,uses people,will never make me happy etc
[/quote]
So why do you not believe your friends? They care for you far more than he does.

Why do you think you deserve this treatment?
The first time you forgave him was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Every time after that you chose to allow him to treat you like this.
You aren’t a victim - you are a willing participant.

So many of us have been there and we can tell you - he will never change. You will never fix him. You are not the one.
There is nothing romantic about this. It is sad and desperate and totally pointless.

Every time you give him your attention you are losing out on the chance of a relationship you do deserve.

Why? There are no medals for this.