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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asking ex for a drink ..am I making a mistake?

124 replies

hallybe · 27/06/2020 15:05

We got together and then he told me he just wanted to still see me but no commitment and he was sleeping with others.
I agreed but then he was sleeping around and I got jealous too many times.
I would shout at him.
He told me he wanted to end it because he was single and he was having chew like he was in a relationship.
We continued to text but he was telling me about girls he was sleeping with and I kicked off again and we fell out.
A month later he text me,we started speaking.
He still sleeps around (obviously not since Lockdown)
My feelings are still there
I want to ask him out for a drink
Should I ?
I miss him

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 27/06/2020 15:19

No, I think it’s because he’s a dead-loss user and you have a very low opinion of your worth.

Crystalspider · 27/06/2020 15:20

No don't ask him for a drink, he's pushed the boundaries thinking he can have best of both worlds you and still sleep around, it's your choice but I think it would be better to have some self respect and end it.

Bunnymumy · 27/06/2020 15:21

No.
Hon, he is disordered. Emotionally stunted.
No one is ever good enough. He treats the other women the same way he does you. Makes them feel that there is someone else who is more worthwhile. Makes them feel not good enough.

The problem is with him.
It cannot be fixed or changed and it isnt anyone else's fault. It is simply who.he.is. And who he is is a cold, empty shell of a person who will never love anyone.

Think of the cup with a hole analogy. No matter how much you pour into it, it will never be enough. That isn't the water jugs fault.

Eckhart · 27/06/2020 15:23

Do you think it's because I'm not attractive enough to him

Ask yourself why his opinion of you matters to you.

What is important is your opinion of yourself.

healththrowawayx · 27/06/2020 15:24

@hallybe

So basically no point asking for a drink? Do you think it's because I'm not attractive enough to him ?
Maybe? Who cares, he doesn’t think you’re attractive as a whole, hence why he still wants to date and have sex with other people rather than have a relationship with you.

But he knows you’re an easy option (as in you have no boundaries/you don’t respect yourself) so he can essentially do what he wants with others whilst having a “thing” with you.

Instead of feeling sad, you should channel that into anger at how he treated you (and, at how you’ve allowed yourself to be treated).

EmpressSuiko · 27/06/2020 15:28

OP please forget him, don’t waste time waiting for him to change your mind, surely you feel you deserve more?
He clearly doesn’t want a committed relationship and doesn’t value you. I’d focus on yourself and when your ready find someone who shares your values and wants a relationship.

Gingernaut · 27/06/2020 15:30

Block him

He's your ex for a very good reason - he's an emotionally abusive cunt

JorisBonson · 27/06/2020 15:32

You. Have. Been. Posting. The. Same. Thing. For. Months.

PP's, any good advice really is wasted here.

Villanemme · 27/06/2020 15:34

It wouldn't matter if you were the most attractive woman in the world he doesn't want the same relationship with you as you want with him. He doesn't want Louise either or any of the others he taunts you with, he just wants to sleep around and brag to his mates. You are not on the same page and you will never change him and never trust him. Work on yourself first, then look for someone who deserves you.

Villanemme · 27/06/2020 15:35

Oh shit, it's not the same poster is it?

NoMoreDickheads · 27/06/2020 15:38

Oh OP, this is maybe low self-esteem (I don't mean that as a criticism, a lot of us are that way.)

This is how you could reframe it- 'How dare he treat me like shit, I don't put up with anyone doing that to me, he can fuck off' and block. I wouldn't even say why to him, as attention/other's emotional reaction of any kind will boost his ego.

So basically no point asking for a drink? Do you think it's because I'm not attractive enough to him?

Ah, he kind of has you going 'Pick me! Pick me!' The pick me dance. And if he takes you up on a date that doesn't mean he's chosen you out of the others in any way.

If he does pick you as an official girlfriend (which he's made it clear he won't really) it won't mean you've 'won' as I bet he'll cheat on you. It's not personal, he's not really picking any of the others either. It boosts his ego to have you all serving him.

I think a PP is right and he's probably a narc.

JustC · 27/06/2020 15:42

This seems familiar. If same poster, seriously listen to previous miltitude of advice, grow up and grow a spine. If diff poster, same advice, but in a less annoyed tone 😁

GroovyGrove · 27/06/2020 15:46

Op you do know that he probably was still talking to other women in lockdown.
Sexting etc. It's actually quite crazy how much more people have connected through lockdown plus lots of people have still hooked up.
He wants to be single and you want a relationship it's two different things.

I would be very shocked if he ever saw you as the person he wants to date. He has been able to do everything he wants and still has you on the side. He may like you a lot and enjoy your company but the pattern you both have rarely ever changes in to more.

You need to move on from this. Otherwise you are going to keep getting hurt

user1481840227 · 27/06/2020 16:16

No individual woman is enough for him. It's nothing to do with you.

Original poster
hallybe · 27/06/2020 16:36

That's a massive massive resounding no then.
I've spent ages trying to be perfect for him.
Then he would just sleep with a random skank.
Waste of energy

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/06/2020 16:38

I've spent ages trying to be perfect for him

Why? Can you actually answer this, it's a genuine question.

Original poster
hallybe · 27/06/2020 16:40

@Eckhart I hated feeling like I wasn't good enough
Also I really like the guy.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 27/06/2020 16:45

You're not confused, your obsessed with 'fixing' him (When he doesn't think he's broken) - do you really think someone on mn has a magic wand that will give you the power to make him want only you?

You get the same responses for ever post you make. You finish every thread with a pretend acceptance and say you're going to let it go. Then you're back again even though nothing's changed.

You could be a rich supermodel with the personality of a goddess and he still won't want a relationship. With you or anyone else. You can't change that and all the mn posts in the world won't change that.

Eckhart · 27/06/2020 16:50

Thanks for answering, Hallybe.

I hated feeling like I wasn't good enough

There's a difference between feeling 'good enough', and good enough for him

Good enough = working out your own standards and boundaries, and living according to those, without letting yourself down too much or too often.

Good enough for him = being a piss easy shag, ready to throw yourself into bed with him whenever he likes, and not to mind when he does the same with 10 other women on the next 10 days.

Which person do you want to be? Good enough, or good enough for him? Again, this is a genuine question.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/06/2020 16:51

OP, with the greatest respect I can muster, why is it your job to make yourself perfect for him? Firstly: you can't. And that's sod all to do with how 'good' or 'attractive' you are. Secondly: perfect for him = puts up with him shagging about. So you'd have as much of a relationship with him as he does any other woman in his life. Thirdly: no one is put on this earth to change themselves for someone else. Bin him and do whatever it takes to learn how to love and respect yourself before you even go near another man again.

Block him on everything and mean it.

NotaCoolMum · 27/06/2020 16:52

Holy crap why are you even slightly confused about this?! Confused

Original poster
hallybe · 27/06/2020 16:57

Do you think he's addicted to the thrill of different women ?
Knowing he can get whoever whenever ?

OP posts:
Original poster
hallybe · 27/06/2020 16:58

@Eckhart good enough
Not sure how to feel like that tho

OP posts:
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/06/2020 16:59

@hallybe

Do you think he's addicted to the thrill of different women ? Knowing he can get whoever whenever ?
Does it matter? He's not the right person for you. Move on.
Original poster
hallybe · 27/06/2020 17:06

It kind of helps that the other day he showed me two messages from 2 women .
Both asking can they meet soon (one he started texting in December but hadn't met ) the other October.
One asking for a shag soon and both asking why he was being quiet.
Not just me he has been taking the ...out of

OP posts:
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