Asking ex for a drink ..am I making a mistake?

[hallybe]

We got together and then he told me he just wanted to still see me but no commitment and he was sleeping with others.
I agreed but then he was sleeping around and I got jealous too many times.
I would shout at him.
He told me he wanted to end it because he was single and he was having chew like he was in a relationship.
We continued to text but he was telling me about girls he was sleeping with and I kicked off again and we fell out.
A month later he text me,we started speaking.
He still sleeps around (obviously not since Lockdown)
My feelings are still there
I want to ask him out for a drink
Should I ?
I miss him

Hally, you need to stop focusing on him, and any other romantic relationship, until you learn how to make your own boundaries and stick to them, so that you are living a life that you respect.

At the moment, you are sitting prey for those who want to use and abuse. You can build up tons of different responses to these people (including the guy you're posting about), but they all boil down to one thing: Saying no.

So, if you're not sure (for example, when you feel the need to ask Mumsnet, because something's not clear to you), the answer is no.

If you meet someone who is right for you, you won't be compelled to ask Mumsnet questions, and you'll know it's 'Yes', at every turn. But as soon as you get to 'Er, oh god, I don't feel sure about this...' just say no/stay away from the situation.

This is your power, your strength. It's all in your 'no'. It's all in you having the nouse to say 'Fuck you, you're bad for me, I'm walking away.'

Your power and strength are nothing to do with whether or not this one bloke likes you enough.

What was your relationship like with your parents when you were growing up, @hallybe?

@BiPsychle my mum died when I was young,so I don't really remember what there relationship was like.

@Eckhart I think that's where I struggle.
I like a person and focus on them because I just want the happy ending.
The never feeling good enough has been going on years.

How can we possibly know whether you are not attractive enough for him? We don't know what you look like and we don't know what he finds attractive!

He's been honest with you. He wants to sleep around and he isn't interested in a monogamous relationship.

That's perfectly fine! He has the right to the lifestyle that suits him.

If that's not what you want, that's absolutely fine too. You want a faithful relationship and fair enough.

It simply means the two of you are not going to work out. You can't attempt to enforce monogamy on him.

I've asked him before what he's type is
He said anyone
He doesn't need to fancy them
He said he fancy's nobody ever

The never feeling good enough has been going on years

That's because you're wasting time looking to other people to give you your self esteem, rather than learning how to give it to yourself. Don't waste any more time. The happy ending comes with you confidently saying to this man 'Fuck you, fucker!', and walking away with your head held high. The happy ending does not come with you sleeping with him and then being upset that he's pissed off with someone else.

He's not the end of the world. You are your own world. He's a peripheral bit of detritus.

Not that you aren't good enough for him: HE is NOT good enough for you.
Why would you want to go out with this sleeze who sleeps with other women?

Well that's lovely.

Basically, I'll fuck anyone who'll let me.

He sounds vile.

Op it isn't you! My friend spent years with her dp, did everything for him and waited for the moment he would agree that they could have a baby. She kept waiting but he wasn't ready.
Guess what they broke up and in a month he was having a baby with someone else.
Four years wasted for that to happen.

She wouldn't listen it wasn't her and it wasn't a good relationship.
He just did what he wanted when he wanted cause he could,
You guy does the same.

I'm sorry about your mum, @hallybe. So, in a way, already your idea of "love" was conditioned by someone who was not able to be with you when you needed them most.

What was your relationship with your father like?

good enough. Not sure how to feel like that tho

My experience is one way to do it is to act as if you have worth. That way you're affirming to yourself that you have it, and you get a massive boost.

In this case, that means blocking him on everything, as how he's treating you is not acceptable.

He is also damaging your self worth, you're asking 'am I ugly?' etc.

Not just me he has been taking the ...out of

So as we've said it's nothing to do with a defect in you- it's his disordered personality, his nasty character.

I don't know if it'll resonate with you, but I'm finding The Disease To Please a good book. www.amazon.co.uk/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

If you're motivated by pleasing someone to gain their approval, dodgy people can manipulate you completely. You're no longer your own person (I've been in this position too) you're a robot following their instructions, a performing seal jumping through hoops.

And your desperation means they won't respect you. This is another book with some interesting points- Why Men Love B*tches www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

As @BiPsychle suggests, for me my disease to please was partly do with my relationship with my father, or my mother's fear of conflict which meant we were never shown how to be assertive.

It was also childhood bullying, and later rejection by groups/partners, which partly happened due to autistic traits.

I've asked him before what he's type is. He said anyone. He doesn't need to fancy them. He said he fancy's nobody ever

This bloke is deranged OP. I believe he doesn't have feelings for other people in the same way that the rest of us do. With this statement he's being honest about this with you- that he doesn't even fancy these women, he just enjoys using them as 'cum dumpsters' and having them run around after him.

I've asked him before what he's type is. He said anyone. He doesn't need to fancy them. He said he fancy's nobody ever

You need to objectively look at this bloke's words and actions. Try and put aside that you like/fancy him and look at what he does and says. He has respect for hardly anyone and will use everyone he comes across. If it helps you, add to the thread other things he's said that have seemed 'off' to you or hurt you.

The "Why Men Love Bitches" book was eye-opening to me. I highly recommend it.

Il add some things if you don't mind me rambling.

We had a holiday together,I said we get on so well,had a great time away and you won't give it a go..
He replied ...I would have fun with anyone,not just you.
He sent me a birthday card and said I only sent that because you sent me it.
Went out on dates and he said it wasn't even dates.
Got off with someone in front of me and smirked.
Sent me a picture of him and another woman
Told me he wanted nothing more to do with me and blocked me ...unblocked me a month later saying he had been unfair.

1. Bin him
2. He couldn't give a stuff about you
3. Stop comparing yourself to his other FWB
4. He is a horrible man.
5. Block him in every way you can
6. Move on, build up your self esteem
7. You do NOT need a man to validate you
8. He doesn't think you're special, you're just available

Its harsh, but you can chase him until the cows come home, and that's what he wants. It's all he wants. He will never want a functioning loving relationship with you.

Got off with someone in front of me and smirked. Sent me a picture of him and another woman

He is sadistic, he enjoys hurting people, hurting you. You must realize he is not normal or nice. This is not how normal people behave.

Told me he wanted nothing more to do with me and blocked me...unblocked me a month later saying he had been unfair.

They play games like this to fuck with us. It creates that 'jumping through hoops' syndrome by 'intermittent reinforcement,' -throwing you crumbs when you do what he wants.

This man is horrible and he is taking avantage of you, there is so many other men out there don't spend anymore time on this loser. Nothing good will come of it.

If you want a relationship, don't settle for anything less.

@hallybe - I think you should contact him.

I think that maybe the only thing that will get you through this and to the other side is experiencing more pain. There is nothing here that anyone is saying that is convincing you otherwise - and therefore I believe that there is something in this for you. It just might not be what you hope it is - but it will hold value nonetheless.

OP, you're starting to sound like an emotional masochist. You seem more into extending the emotional pain of this situation than resolving it.

I no longer think you are here for advice or a delsional desire to find out how to make him want a relationship with you. I think you're here to extend the 'high' of your emotional pain by reliving the moments he has belittled and rejected you.

His rejection and your pain is a comfort to you; you crave it as you find it safve because it's somehow your normal. I think if he changed and declared undying love and wanted to be with you only, you'd run a mile.

You are determined to keep this head fuck going. You are instigating your own pain. Deliberately and with full awareness of the consequences: emotional pain for you.
Whether that makes you feel like some romantic weeping heroine or you feel this is just confirming what you are worth, it 8s a servious mh issue.

He's not hurting you anymore, you're doing it to yourself now.

@Thingsdogetbetter

OP, you're starting to sound like an emotional masochist. You seem more into extending the emotional pain of this situation than resolving it.

I no longer think you are here for advice or a delsional desire to find out how to make him want a relationship with you. I think you're here to extend the 'high' of your emotional pain by reliving the moments he has belittled and rejected you.

His rejection and your pain is a comfort to you; you crave it as you find it safve because it's somehow your normal. I think if he changed and declared undying love and wanted to be with you only, you'd run a mile.

You are determined to keep this head fuck going. You are instigating your own pain. Deliberately and with full awareness of the consequences: emotional pain for you.
Whether that makes you feel like some romantic weeping heroine or you feel this is just confirming what you are worth, it 8s a servious mh issue.

He's not hurting you anymore, you're doing it to yourself now.

Yes, I wholly agree with this. And this isn't going to convince the OP either. I am throwing my weight behind her going ahead with him. I think it's the only way.

Old meat doesn't get better with time.

You are like a creepy stalker. Stop it. He is allowed to not want you.

I have said a few posts back, but I'll repeat. OP has done this post before with same results. Either she is bored and winding people up, or has serious problems.