I no longer see myself as a sexual being

[treefox3513]

Name change as I have posted before and don't want linking.

DH and I no longer have sex. I'm 33, he's 41. We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. The baby was conceived the one time we had sex in 18 months. It is DH who does not want sex. Our marriage is great apart from intimacy. We are a real team, we co parent well, same sense of humour, real partners in life. Plus I love him.

I've accepted that this is my life and marriage. I'm not willing to leave and break up my family for sex.

I decided to just get on with it and pleasure myself.

Over the last couple of months though, I've lost all interest in anything remotely sex related. I don't put on clothes and feel 'sexy' or good looking. I don't look in the mirror and see someone physically attractive at all, it's not that I find myself ugly per se, it's that I don't think of anything along those lines when I see myself. Nothing sexual. I can't imagine having sex now, with anyone, it's like my sexuality has been switched off.

It's a rather strange and sad feeling, and not one I expected to experience at age 33. I have always had a high sex drive and loved having fun with it, so the sudden change in how I feel about intimacy has me perplexed.

I'm trying to make sense of the way I'm feeling. This isn't a subject I can broach in rl. Has anyone been through similar?

Yes!

I was in a 'functional' but almost entirely sexless relationship between the ages of 25 and 37. I know exactly what you mean about just not seeing yourself in that way anymore.

Just like you, I didn't feel attractive, sexy or physical. I felt 'functional'. I didn't even find other men attractive. It had been completely switched off to the point that I was happy to stay in the relationship indefinitely because it really made no difference.

We eventually split up and, surprisingly enough, I found the switch could be flipped.

I was with a porn addict, had a child with him, left when our baby was 3 months as I'd found out about his addiction (and he was having an affair). I've never seen myself as an acceptable sexual being since, and its been 2 years. My boobs are small, my belly now sags, and my ex said my lady bits looked like a hacked kebab and heaved (discussing child birth).

I'm hoping what @SunshineSmellsLikeSummer said is true.

This sounds really miserable... why doesn’t he want to have sex with you? and have you worked on it, seen a counsellor, tried everything under the sun etc, and he’s said he doesn’t want to have sex?

To be honest I think you’ll always feel like this if you stay in this relationship and it will wear you down eventually. Sorry OP

This will very likely eat away at you and your self esteem. I'd personally recommend not accepting this, which means being brave enough to bring it up and doing whatever is needed (talking, researching, counselling, etc.)

A lot of us have been through this. You will be happier being yourself.

It'll eat away at you eventually, it'll make you ripe for drinking up flattery from someone else. Then pure misery will set in.

Intimacy doesn't always have to mean sex. Your bloke is being selfish, he's got his family and kids so it's a big fuck you to you? I'd be well pissed off at being used like that.

@SunshineSmellsLikeSummer yes, functional! That's exactly what I meant! We haven't had sex in so long and I've still remained sexually active, fancying other men, and pleasuring myself however the switch is flipped.
I can appreciate an attractive man, but not find him sexy. It's like sex doesn't exist anymore. Glad to hear your switch got flipped and it can be done.

@RLEOM that's an incredibly cruel thing to say to anyone, let alone someone who has just given birth. Sorry to hear what a shit he was.

@Splitsunrise we have talked and talked, argued, cried, tried toys, sex night, pretty much everything bar counselling. He simply isn't bothered. He just doesn't feel the need. That's what it boils down to.

I had actually hoped to hear him say it was because he doesn't find me attractive anymore, because that at least gives me options and I can start to move on. But he says he wants to have sex, he misses it, finds me attractive but just doesn't have the drive. No desire. That puts me in a very awkward position as if I leave it's almost cruel because he is 'suffering' too.

I do think things can change within the same relationship over time. A 3 year old and a nine month old is quite an extreme time.

I'm assuming you've talked about what has changed? Was it a slow decline or sharper? Any other events in your DH's life? Eg I think losing a parent is a hugely underestimated factor in marriage breakdowns.

If there is any way to keep a thread of physical intimacy going - handholding, hugs, anything - then do. Even warn him youre going for a hug if you're not sure of the reaction.

Xpost sorry.
It does sound then as if you need to try counselling. Sorry again.

Yup. I made the decision to stay because I still loved him, we had children, I'd just have to accept that we don't have sex anymore, we could still have a living, fulfilling relationship without that one small aspect.
It didn't last.
I stopped caring about how I looked, had my hair cut unflatteringly short, didn't take care of myself. On the rare occasions I "dressed up" I felt awful and longed to go back to being invisible again.
The affection I felt for my husband went down the drain, we were just friends who happened to live in the same house. I didn't want to kiss him or even hug him anymore as it felt like I was forcing him, like he'd think I was trying to get him to have sex which he didn't want. I started to feel outright repulsive.
We had many conversations about it. One thing I was adamant of was that we weren't going to "try". To me, if you have to "try" to find someone attractive, to make yourself want to have sex with them, that's more insulting and depressing. Attraction just happens, and when it's gone, you can't force it to come back.
Anyway, we split up. After a while of being single it was like the switch was flipped. I wanted sex again, and I was wanted again. I felt "like a woman" whereas before I was just a meaningless object.
I'm now in a hugely enjoyable and fulfilling relationship. My ex and I coparent well, our children are happy.

Disclaimer : sexless relationships aren't a bad thing as long as both sides are happy with it. Many people can have perfectly happy and fulfilling relationships without sex. It wasn't for me, personally, but I don't judge those who choose to live that way.

@gamerchick I simply do not see a scenario where another man would find me attractive and flatter me. That's what I mean about becoming functional. I don't see myself as being either attractive or unattractive, I just can't envision it. I do know what you mean though, and I did worry about this before.

Is he on any medication or having a poor diet? I'm trying to think if there could be any medical factors as to why he hasn't got the drive

I felt ‘sexless’ for a long time after one of my children was born for a good couple of years. I was so drained and exhausted from it all. I was also dealing with a lot of wider family problems and gynaecological health issues and needed surgery (extreme heavy periods / ovary issues) and was very low in iron and vitamins D which made me feel even more tired and sexless. I can distinctly remember feeling totally as you have described and honestly felt like it wouldn’t matter if I ever had sex or felt sexy again - I didn’t even masturbate as the urge was just gone. Looking back, it was definitely a combination of messed up hormones and nutritional deficiencies and small children are truly exhausting - this also created ‘situational’ depression as I felt like a functional robot to keep everything ticking over. Have you been checked for hormones, thyroid, iron, vitamin D... etc

Have you ever had a good sex and intimate life? If so, when did it change? Was it a slow decline or can you pinpoint a change? Was it once kids came along? Perhaps he now sees you as the ‘mother’ and nothing more.

Are you 100% sure your DH isn’t getting his sexual needs met elsewhere? An affair, porn, paid sex etc.. Not saying he is, but it would certainly cross my mind to consider it.

@BingPot720 Yes that's pretty much the same story. Before I became 'sexless' I was incredibly hurt at his constant rejection. I felt repulsive, and found making an effort totally pointless. It's lovey to hear you are happy again.

@octobersky19 his diet is shocking if I'm honest. Mines not much better. The classic excuse of being far too tired to have the energy to cook and plan healthy meals.

@Dollyrocket it was a slow decline after the birth of our first. Understandable, but it pretty much dwindled to nothing. We have had sex twice in. 18 months and one of those tiles was after a very tearful argument of me saying I was losing feelings for him, as he was appearing more of a friend.

I think he's a prick for not going to a doctor and discussing hormones etc. How fucking dare he? That's not a partner, or love, it's a selfish, selfish man doing what the fuck he wants and expecting you to deal with it.

You have switched off because you know it's not an option, your brain is preserving itself. It's a coping mechanism.

He more than likely has low testosterone which could be fixed quite simply. Or is the victim of past sexual abuse which can also be fixed more slowly.

If this was me it would be ultimatum time.

Do you talk about it?

@Vodkacranberryplease I have asked him to get his testosterone checked, many times. The response is either he's too busy to faff around with the doctors and getting tests, or he will do it when we are sleeping better/moved house/ got a promotion/ the kids are older/ the diy is done/ his blood pressure is sorted out/ and so on and so on.

It's not a priority to him because he isn't the one feeling the pain of constant rejection. Of course we are so busy with the children and work etc that I feel like a selfish shit for asking

Playing devils advocate a bit here, is taking pride in your appearance just for sex? Because that’s depressing if so!

@whycantweallbemoretolerant yes, we have discussed it until blue in the face. He's well aware of how I feel.

I haven't however told him about becoming sexless. I was trying to figure out my feelings and understand it before I told him.

It sounds like, maybe unconsciously, you've turned off your sex drive in order to cope with the situation, the feeling of rejection/frustration etc.

Are you both incredibly exhausted? Raising small children can do an absolute number on your sex life, especially if sleep is poor, too short, and life is too hectic. How is your life in general? Busy, stressful? Are you both just switched on and too available for everything else but each other? Could too much porn be an issue?

It's not a priority to him because he isn't the one feeling the pain of constant rejection

Just to add to my last post, THIS is the crux of the matter. He has shelved your sex life without your consent. It's been a unilateral decision. And OP, of course you're going to have a funeral for your own libido when the marital bed's become a tomb. Of course you're feeling sexless! Rejection does that! Subconsciously, men like your DH, my DH, though good people in many ways, know what they're doing here. I too have no sex drive. Believe me, if my husband hadn't shelved our sex life, I truly, deeply believe I would still have one... maybe not bells, whistles, and the whole marching band but you know, desire to at least be intimate. Intimacy is such a natural part of being together. And I find that the sex dies and ALL intimacy goes with it, the closeness, that look of love in each other's eyes, that twinkle that sparks from behind the wrinkles and gray hair. I still feel that for DH but to be frank, he watched too much porn. We battled that, came through the other side, detached. It's sad. At my age, I'm sort of ok with it. But that's just me.
A part of you has died. You don't have to cave to this necrosis of a fundamental part of being alive, feeling alive. If you were truly kind of ok with it all, you wouldn't be here, writing this, would you?

Before I became 'sexless' I was incredibly hurt at his constant rejection. This rings out - sounds like your sexlessness is a protective mechanism to defend against constant misery.

It's not often I advocate affairs, but if you don't want to LTB...

Your feelings about feeling sexless will be entirely related to the constant rejection from your husband. I can’t imagine I would feel sexual in your situation! I’d bet if you left him it would soon come back with someone else!

You say you’re a real team, real parters, and I’m sorry but you’re not. He can’t be bothered to go to the GP for a check up. That’s how little he actually cares for your feelings. I can’t even imagine the selfishness and the lack of care for the other person’s feelings. He’s not acting like a team, he’s saying “well it’s fine for me, why should I bother?” There’s no excuses, he just doesn’t care enough about you. And that’s shit and you deserve better.

He has a problem. It's not normal for a 41 year old not to want any form of sex. Men generally have a physical need to ejaculate regularly, if they resist the desire for long enough they will have sexualised dreams and do it in their sleep. But resisting is very difficult. I'm 61 and even now I would struggle to go for more than a week without. TMI perhaps but this is my experience as a man.

Your DH is crushing your sexuality and it's hard to understand why. If he really has no desire then that is a medical, or perhaps MH, issue. And if he is not getting his kicks in another way then he is missing out on one of life's most pleasurable experiences - as I said to my DW the other day, we have DTD many thousands of times and on every single occasion I have felt better about our relationship and about myself afterwards. A sexless relationship would be terrible - life in black and white.

Could there be a health issue he has that he is not willing to talk about, or that he is unaware of?