I no longer see myself as a sexual being

[treefox3513]

Name change as I have posted before and don't want linking.

DH and I no longer have sex. I'm 33, he's 41. We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. The baby was conceived the one time we had sex in 18 months. It is DH who does not want sex. Our marriage is great apart from intimacy. We are a real team, we co parent well, same sense of humour, real partners in life. Plus I love him.

I've accepted that this is my life and marriage. I'm not willing to leave and break up my family for sex.

I decided to just get on with it and pleasure myself.

Over the last couple of months though, I've lost all interest in anything remotely sex related. I don't put on clothes and feel 'sexy' or good looking. I don't look in the mirror and see someone physically attractive at all, it's not that I find myself ugly per se, it's that I don't think of anything along those lines when I see myself. Nothing sexual. I can't imagine having sex now, with anyone, it's like my sexuality has been switched off.

It's a rather strange and sad feeling, and not one I expected to experience at age 33. I have always had a high sex drive and loved having fun with it, so the sudden change in how I feel about intimacy has me perplexed.

I'm trying to make sense of the way I'm feeling. This isn't a subject I can broach in rl. Has anyone been through similar?

@AgeOfExploration I'm sorry to hear you have gone through the same situation. I have quit literally just had my hair cut very short
I walked into work and the majority of people were silent about it. Which means you know, it looks shit.

Did you find that your feelings around sexual have changed now you are out of the relationship?

I still haven't had sex.... he has had his testosterone checked and it was fine so he has been referred for sexual health counselling, which of course he hasn't chased and it's been a few months now.

Without going into gory detail I found evidence of him masturbating at least twice. I confronted him and he said he did it to make himself feel better, to reassure him that it all works.
He kept this from me until I found it.

I've got no idea what to do. I feel terrible, I've put on weight. Ive chopped my hair off. I just don't know anymore and I'm so tired today as the now 15 month old was up for 4 hours in the night teething

Sounds like porn then to me then. So many porn addled men it seems, the real thing bizarrely can't match up
Just get rid of him, he will literally destroy you. You are still young enough to start again, I cannot imagine how damaging it is to have your husband not want to have sex with you, ever.
Hes not even bothered about fixing it which says it all.

Sexless relationships can be happy functioning relationships as long as both sides are happy about it.

Your DH has decided that you both dont have a sex life and cant be arsed to do anything about it.
If he tried the sex counselling etc that's one thing but hes not even bothered about you or your needs.
He finds the need for a swank, why not with you?

If this was me, I would say to him choose an option 1) sexual counselling 2) let me have discreet affairs with other people or 3) we split up and mean it.

Anything other than these is just a life of misery, resentment and low self esteem

@treefox3513 my hair styles have got gradually shorter over the last decade. It’s very short at the moment - I even bought clippers recently - which doesn’t particularly suit me but is functional and easy. I hadn’t really made the connection that it’s reflecting my total lack of interest/confidence in presenting myself as a sexual being.

Re feeling sexual since the end of the relationship... the short answer is no, although just lately I’ve had a few glimmers that maybe I could feel that way again. It’s a complex situation because I’m still mostly living in ex’s house, and although we had ‘the talk’ (where we acknowledged our relationship had become a friendship, and he was very clear that he didn’t want to try to revive things) over a year ago, when I’m here we still plod along comfortably on a day to day level as though nothing has changed. In a way, nothing has changed, given that we hadn’t had sex in a decade so really had just been friends for years! This is the person I’d thought I’d grow old with, though, and having had that talk changed everything for me - I couldn’t just go on as we were, knowing he ‘didn’t have any romantic feelings for me’. Without going into too much detail, I decided on a fairly left-field solution that means I spend periods away from home, and those periods will lengthen as time goes on (despite Covid throwing a spanner in the works 🙄). He’s been fully supportive of that. It’s all been terribly grown-up and civilised, as I move out by degrees. I certainly haven’t been in a space to contemplate a relationship with anyone, though, and tbh my self-esteem is in my boots after 10 years of not being fancied or touched. I just can’t imagine that anyone would find me attractive.

For you, though... you’re young (where I was 15 years ago!), and you’ve got your best years ahead of you. If your relationship is good otherwise and you want to make it work, I would sit down with him for a really frank and honest talk. Tell him that the situation as it currently is risks ending your marriage - no sugar-coating or beating around the bush. I told ex-DP multiple times that by not having sex, we risked the relationship, both in terms of leaving an open gap for one of us to be attracted to someone to fill that need, or that our relationship would irrevocably change to a friendship. He finds talking about feelings or intimacy fairly excruciating, though, so I didn’t ever push it or give him an ultimatum or anything, especially as in past relationships I’d usually be the one who was less bothered about sex, especially if it became a chore or I felt pawed at. I didn’t want to push him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with, nor humiliate myself by trying to get him to be interested in me. Exactly what I warned him would happen, did happen, though. Maybe it would have anyway, who knows. I think if you’re married with two children and love each other, then it is warranted to tell him very explicitly that if he’s not willing to work at rekindling your sex life, then the marriage will be over at some point. That’s not demanding sex, btw; it’s demanding that he confront his discomfort (and you yours) about thinking about and discussing what you both feel and want, and the root causes of the problems you’re currently having. It’s too easy to not make sex a priority, especially when you have young kids and busy lives. If having a sexual life and feeling desire and desired was important to you, then it still is - you’ve just pushed it all firmly into a box and shut the door because it’s too painful to deal with.

And typing that last sentence made me cry, so doubtless I’m talking to myself there, as well. 😳

It’s rare a man has no Sex drive and it’s almost never testosterone problems. He will be wanking more than you think. It often starts once the first baby is born.

Men used to have to search for porn, go and buy a mag or a video and plan ahead. Now they can get some porn on their phone within 5 seconds, watch whatever floats their boat and be be done and dusted in 5 mins. You can’t compete with these women. They have perfect bodies. If your man goes down that route as mine did too, then your relationship is doomed. It NEVER gets any better! They can go to the doctors and cry as much as they like but it never changes.

I wasted 5 years of my life hoping it would after the signs were already there. Women put up with too much due to this longing to keep the family together. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

In my first fling after splitting up, I had sex more times in one night than I had in the previous 7 years!

You need to rescue your self esteem and be brave.

[quote treefox3513]@gamerchick I simply do not see a scenario where another man would find me attractive and flatter me. That's what I mean about becoming functional. I don't see myself as being either attractive or unattractive, I just can't envision it. I do know what you mean though, and I did worry about this before. [/quote]
You are in Mum mode - I'm sure this is Nature and hormones being a bitch ! Life changes , people get tired , kids suck the life out of you . I was in this hole for many years and felt like yourself . We split up after many years of marriage and lo and behold I found a whole new better sex life and partner(s) .

After 8 years of a sexless marriage (now almost 10) I also felt like that part of me had died and I just had to move on from it. I hadn't put on weight, or lost interest in my appearance, I just felt like I might as well be walking around with a bag over my head. I know that other men show an interest in me, but the one I'm tied to doesn't give a fuck about me as a woman (literally.) I often see on here that the explanation for men not wanting sex is that they're using porn to get their kicks. Well mine spends all night watching politics, not porn. Although saying that, politics is like porn for him. But that's another story. Anyway, I have reached the end of no tether and I CANNOT spend the rest of my life sexless. But then the thought that dominates my mind is the obvious, 'can I really break up my family because I'm not getting a shag?' It seems so selfish to me that I can't do it. It feels completely unjustified. But on the other hand, I'm a human being and I need it. My counsellor has assured me that it's not selfish, and it is a human need. But how do you untangle all of that. I am so very frustrated and tired, and anxious that my life is passing me by.
As others have said here, you might think your sex life is over, but once you escape the situation you're stuck in, you can find a revelation and life starts again! I'm really hoping it happens for me x

I feel this way too, I've no interest in sex (been single for about seven years now) and seem to have lost any desire i had for it. Some of it is low self esteem and lack of confidence in how I look but I can honestly say at this juncture that I'd not be devastated if I never had sex again.

I am in a similar situation, have been in a sexless marriage for around 8 years. Im 40. We are happy in every other way so I am reluctant to break up the family, as other posters are also saying.

Sex and being desired by my partner is really important to me, it part of the special bond that turns a friendship into a relationship. The impact of this situation on your sense of yourself seems gargantuan OP

he says he wants to have sex, he misses it, finds me attractive but just doesn't have the drive. No desire. That puts me in a very awkward position as if I leave it's almost cruel because he is 'suffering' too

Sorry OP but I call bullshit on this and he definitely has Madonna whore complex

OP, my marriage is really suffering as my DH has made the unilateral decision that I’m going to be celibate. He is quite happy about this. He’s got no desire and won’t do anything about it either.

My DCs are teens and when I look back there were all sorts of red flags there from before we married and our early marriage. He was able to explain them away. What I didn’t realise was that this was the start of a pattern, a pattern of avoidance.

When you look back, are there any red flags? Like going off sex say for a period of time?

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel he has deceived me and betrayed me as well as broken our marriage vows. It’s like he kept the pretence up until we got married.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum and time line. If it’s not improved by X time then you need to separate. You’re so young. He’s not a great partner though as he’s not showing much willing to do anything about it.

@Coffeeeeandcake

Sex and being desired by my partner is really important to me, it part of the special bond that turns a friendship into a relationship. The impact of this situation on your sense of yourself seems gargantuan OP

@coffee My counsellor said this exact thing to me - that sex is what turns a friendship into a relationship. I tried to explain this to dh but he refused to accept that we were now only friends. I hoped she would repeat it when we went to the next session as a couple, but she didn't! So he just thinks I'm selfish.

I think if a man had the same problem as you have here this forum would go absolutely mental and half of the people would talk about abuse etc. I believe men same as women have rights not to want sex but it doesn’t not seem to be seen in the same way...
You said that your relationship is great (except the sex aspect), however I truly believe there is something else, some other reasons why your husband doesn’t want to have sex- he might doesn’t feel well in the relationship, feels treated like an object, you might done something in the past that deeply hurt him etc. Unfortunately, I do not know what could help as I don’t believe that he will open up and tell you the truth... but again, I’m talking from my own experience only...

@BathshebaWasOnTheRoof yes there were red flags. I feel so stupid now.
Before we got married our sex life was ok. I have always had the higher drive however, so I accepted we did it on his terms. He did have erectile dysfunction, and we didn't do it for a while because it made him feel awful.
I was really hurt by it at the time, but it passed. His drive did dwindle somewhat.

I had a frank discussion with him about it a few weeks ago. He said he found sex 'boring' as we do the same positions. I was quite hurt by this. A lot of the positions we do is because he has a huge stomach, so I have to position myself accordingly. I couldn't bring myself to say that though.
Ever since he has denied that he said that or that it wasn't was he meant, and refuses to accept this as a reason for lack of sex, despite him actually saying it!?

@WakingUp55643 I'm so sorry you are experiencing it too. I don't feel selfish for wanting sex, as like you said it's a need, but like you I can't break my family up and untangle our lives and upset my children coz I want a shag. It sounds so utterly selfish. I'm just tired of it all.

@treefox3513 I thought you’d say there were red flags. Sympathies. It’s a huge deception isn’t it?

To want a sex life, sexual pleasure and to be sexually desired by your partner is perfectly normal.

Think about your life in twenty years. Are you twenty further years into an unsatisfying relationship. Are you on your own and happy. On your own and miserable. 15 years into a new relationship. 5 months into a new relationship??? Which of these scenarios fills you with dread, which could you live with.
If you're going to leave, do it, give yourself time to make work

Make it work

I think you have to stop looking at it as being 'coz you want a shag' and acknowledge the huge damage this is doing to your self esteem/worth OP. Becoming a shadow of the woman you were because of constant rejection and his refusal to address the problem is entirely different to breaking up your family 'for a shag' isn't it really? Don't trivialise the effect it's having on you, it isn't just about sex, it's about your whole relationship and the shitty way it's making you feel, it matters

Yes to this @weirdfan I don't want a quick no strings shag and that's it. I want a real life with someone who can't wait to see me after work, who will walk around B&Q holding hands looking at hammers and pinching each other's bums, doing nice things for each other, and totally wanting each other and showing each other how much they adore the other's body and soul. That's what I want.