I no longer see myself as a sexual being

[treefox3513]

Name change as I have posted before and don't want linking.

DH and I no longer have sex. I'm 33, he's 41. We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. The baby was conceived the one time we had sex in 18 months. It is DH who does not want sex. Our marriage is great apart from intimacy. We are a real team, we co parent well, same sense of humour, real partners in life. Plus I love him.

I've accepted that this is my life and marriage. I'm not willing to leave and break up my family for sex.

I decided to just get on with it and pleasure myself.

Over the last couple of months though, I've lost all interest in anything remotely sex related. I don't put on clothes and feel 'sexy' or good looking. I don't look in the mirror and see someone physically attractive at all, it's not that I find myself ugly per se, it's that I don't think of anything along those lines when I see myself. Nothing sexual. I can't imagine having sex now, with anyone, it's like my sexuality has been switched off.

It's a rather strange and sad feeling, and not one I expected to experience at age 33. I have always had a high sex drive and loved having fun with it, so the sudden change in how I feel about intimacy has me perplexed.

I'm trying to make sense of the way I'm feeling. This isn't a subject I can broach in rl. Has anyone been through similar?

I hate to say this but do you think he has become addicted to Porn ?As above poster said ,it would be dreadful for a man not to have any kind of sexual release especially when he is in his early 40s! This is the only thing I can think of . Sometimes he may feel under pressure to "perform" Did you have trouble conceiving your DC ,or have to have sex on certain times/dates at all? Otherwise maybe just assume you will not be having sex for say 3 months .Just talk ,drink wine ,have a cuddle or massage but no asking if he "feels like it at all"!Sometimes once the pressure is off things can happen more naturally .Is he depressed or stressed at work ?Certain medicines can affect things too.Maybe he is embarassed aout seeing the GP .Can he maybe have a telephone Appt?It would be worth while seeing GP just to rule out any problems

@greentreesdream of course taking pride in my appearance isn't just about sex. I have showered, styled my hair and put make up on today, knowing full well sex is off the cards.
I can't speak for anyone else but in my experience it's undeniable that self esteem is intrinsically linked (at least partly) with being desired by my husband. Being constantly rejected for an act based on physical attractiveness does and will have an effect on how I see myself physically and the effort I put in.

@TheVanguardSix I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds really tough for you and I'm not surprised you are detached. I don't think he watched porn. It sounds incredibly naive I know, but he says he isn't. I've suggested watching it together to get things going and he isn't interested. I love how you worded that I don't need to accept it, and it's true, it's very much a part of feeling alive and I miss it. On reflection feeling sad is me grieving for it.

The difference in attitudes depending on whether it's a man or woman that has gone off sex is really interesting.

If it's the woman who.has gone off sex posters will go to.the ends of the earth to support them, justify it, tell her that sex is not s right, that her husband is a sex pest, that he should sort himself out, that it's not her problem to cater to his need for sex.

When it's a man that's gone off sex apparently he is a cruel, selfish prick who must absolutely go to the dr, have a raft of tests, take medication, have counseling and basically get over himself because it is his duty to give his wife sex.

Whatever happened to the right to say no to sex at anytime and for any reason? If he doesn't want sex that's his right, surely? It's his body. He shouldn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to.

I understand what you’re saying tree, but other posters are saying that in fact they HAVE lost interest in their appearance and I do think there’s something in taking pride for you.

I’m on the other side of this, as I would happily never have sex again, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask, but I do wear nice clothes and so on, because that’s for me, not for sex.

We are a real team, we co parent well, same sense of humour, real partners in life. Plus I love him.

I wonder if this is you describing what your relationship used to be before he put the skids on it? What you're describing is not what a real team is, nor what a real partner in life is. Far from it. Expect better, it's what you deserve.

We all have a finite time on this earth, when that time is gone it's gone. Don't kick this can down the road until you run out of time. You have a lot of life still to change your circumstances and give yourself a chance for happiness including feeling cherished, fancied and attractive as a woman.

Your H wants his cake and eat it. He isn't prepared to go to the ends of the earth to sort things out. He'd rather flop along and leave you feeling like an empty shell. How dare he.

Your H wants his cake and eat it. He isn't prepared to go to the ends of the earth to sort things out. He'd rather flop along and leave you feeling like an empty shell. How dare he.

Do you think people should have sex if they don't want to then?

Is your opinion the same towards women that no longer want sex - how dare they?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Of course there is a right to say no to sex in a relationship, but the OPs DH has effectively said never again. That is very different. A relationship rests on the understanding that sexual satisfaction will be provided in a mutually acceptable way. If that understanding is broken then the relationship is under threat.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Your H wants his cake and eat it. He isn't prepared to go to the ends of the earth to sort things out. He'd rather flop along and leave you feeling like an empty shell. How dare he.

Do you think people should have sex if they don't want to then?

Is your opinion the same towards women that no longer want sex - how dare they?

No one should have sex with someone if they don't want to. But they need to understand the other person may not want to stay married/in a relationship with them.

if you do decide to leave your husband and take up with another man for sex, do you think it's a worthwhile trade off for what you have now: "We are a real team, we co parent well, same sense of humour, real partners in life." There's no guarantee that your new man will be giving you that as well?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
Of course he is entitled to say no to sex. I do not want to force him into sex, that isn't what this is about.

It's about the shared mutual agreement that we will have a sex life. One that's based on respect for each other's bodies and own personal space. We did say no to each other in the past when not in the mood, no drama.

However to remove the possibility of a sex life at all brings with it complexities far beyond just wanting each other's bodies. It's about the damage to self esteem, the eroding of the rejected spouses sexuality, the hurt, rejection and resentment that breeds from it.

@Ifailed This is why I have decided to stay with him. I feel I have found a soulmate and I accepted that not every marriage is perfect. His is our 'snag'.

It was the surprise of suddenly losing my own sexuality that has me confused and seeking answers.

The brain has a way of protecting itself.

However this is only temporary, you'll not be able to sustain it forever. Acknowledge it when it comes to the surface.

He sounds life a selfish sod. He is OK with no sex ever again. That is a betrayal of the relationship - a sexual relationship is part of the agreement when you get together. My DH can't have sex post cancer op. I am good with that because it is not his choice or fault. Your DH needs to get his selfish arse to the GP.

It sounds like a coping mechanism.
You feel like you're never going to have sex again so have shut down that sexual side of yourself because it's easier than feeling the pain.

The problem with those kind of coping mechanisms is that sometimes the issues can come back to haunt you.

At 33 you are far far too young to reconcile yourself to a sexless life. The resentment and frustration will only grow, you cannot respect a partner who refuses this most fundamental aspect of your relationship. You are in a difficult position and there are no easy solutions but don't give up, this is not your fault and you have the right to look for something better.

He needs to see his GP when he's ready

I was in a similar situation with DP. He saw his GP, got tests done, they found very low testosterone and a prolactinoma.

It's not normal for him to not want sex so he must speak to his GP asap. Give him an ultimatum like I did. Tell him if you don't see progress in six weeks, you want to separate. If he cares about the relationship as much as you say he does, he will see his GP

Funny sort of soulmate. Too busy to see the doctor despite you being made so unhappy by a situation that might have an easy fix. He’s incredibly selfish.
And I wouldn’t go telling him you’ve become sexless. He’ll be pleased.

Why would you put up with that?

You haven't lost your sexuality. You have switched it off to protect yourself

[quote treefox3513]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
Of course he is entitled to say no to sex. I do not want to force him into sex, that isn't what this is about.

It's about the shared mutual agreement that we will have a sex life. One that's based on respect for each other's bodies and own personal space. We did say no to each other in the past when not in the mood, no drama.

However to remove the possibility of a sex life at all brings with it complexities far beyond just wanting each other's bodies. It's about the damage to self esteem, the eroding of the rejected spouses sexuality, the hurt, rejection and resentment that breeds from it. [/quote]
But I don't think that's the responsibility of a partner though because that means there is an expectation to have sex, even if they don't want to.

There are many women on here who post to say that they've gone off sex but their husbands are hurt, upset etc and they are always told that it's his problem to solve.

How can you reconcile this? If your self esteem is bound up in his desire for sex but he doesn't want to have sex what should happen? Should he force himself to have sex that he doesn't want in order to boost your self esteem? That can't be right can it? Would you want to have sex knowing that your partner doesn't really want to have it?

Have you spoken to your husband about having an open marriage?

If he won't get his hormones checked nor see the doctor about help to improve his sex drive , then an open marriage might be an answer for you

It might also focus his selfishness somewhat

Either porn addict or low testosterone.

Most likely porn addict.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras - not sure where you've been reading, but the threads I've read where women have said that sex is off the cards, the overwhelming response has been as it is here: it's fine for them to decide that, but their partner does not have to agree.

But the 'sex pest' threads are when a woman is having sex with her partner, but doesn't want sex when a man is being an ass and then expecting her to be horny.

For any partner in a marriage or relationship to unilaterally decide that sex is off the table is to change the deal that was originally entered into - to put it in emotionless terms.

So the contract is broken. Personally, OP, I'd make that official now. I promise you that your sexuality will return.

One day you will see a man reach for his briefcase, or move a fork of pasta to his mouth, or smile at a traffic warden, and your fanny will lurch.

It's best for all concerned if you are divorced by then.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras - not sure where you've been reading, but the threads I've read where women have said that sex is off the cards, the overwhelming response has been as it is here: it's fine for them to decide that, but their partner does not have to agree.

I've yet to see a thread where the woman is told repeatedly to go to the GP to find the cause, that she's being selfish and will be affecting her husband's self esteem with her constant rejection. I agree, the op must decide whether she can live with it or leave, but it's the disparaging remarks about the dh that I think are wrong. Why is he selfish or a porn addict because he doesn't want sex? No one here knows why this happened.

But the 'sex pest' threads are when a woman is having sex with her partner, but doesn't want sex when a man is being an ass and then expecting her to be horny.

Not the ones I'm referring to. They are where sex hasn't happened and the dh tries to suggest it but is then labelled a sex pest because clearly he should never mention sex again after the first refusal.

Having been single by choice for long periods of my life, my experience is that often women do turn this switch off and it usually awakened by someone giving you attention or suddenly when you aren’t expecting it (a celebrity crush perhaps). I usually lose mine after a relationship has ended and it can be a while before it returns, I don’t tend to worry about that side of it too much. It probably is a coping mechanism as I am not missing what I don’t have

The problem for you is your marriage. You won’t have lost yours forever it’s just dormant. It will return and so will those feelings I’m afraid