I no longer see myself as a sexual being

[treefox3513]

Name change as I have posted before and don't want linking.

DH and I no longer have sex. I'm 33, he's 41. We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. The baby was conceived the one time we had sex in 18 months. It is DH who does not want sex. Our marriage is great apart from intimacy. We are a real team, we co parent well, same sense of humour, real partners in life. Plus I love him.

I've accepted that this is my life and marriage. I'm not willing to leave and break up my family for sex.

I decided to just get on with it and pleasure myself.

Over the last couple of months though, I've lost all interest in anything remotely sex related. I don't put on clothes and feel 'sexy' or good looking. I don't look in the mirror and see someone physically attractive at all, it's not that I find myself ugly per se, it's that I don't think of anything along those lines when I see myself. Nothing sexual. I can't imagine having sex now, with anyone, it's like my sexuality has been switched off.

It's a rather strange and sad feeling, and not one I expected to experience at age 33. I have always had a high sex drive and loved having fun with it, so the sudden change in how I feel about intimacy has me perplexed.

I'm trying to make sense of the way I'm feeling. This isn't a subject I can broach in rl. Has anyone been through similar?

I have said the same on many of these threads in the past to both men and women, people have every right to decide they no longer want sex but they have to accept the consequence of that, which may be their relationship ending and remaining single long term.

Op, apologies for being crass, the fact is that if he isn't having wet dreams then he is ejaculating by himself which leads back to the porn addiction. I was with someone who swore blind he didn't use it, he was lying. He shut down that side of our relationship and expected me to be okay with it.

As time went on I didn't want to kiss or hug him anymore and felt awful about myself. I decided I didn't want to model that relationship for any potential children and I left. He did marry someone after me but last I heard, they are in marriage counselling so it wouldn't surprise me if the same thing has happened again.

You need to think about the next 30 years. Your sex drive has shut down for self preservation. The same thing happened to me. But it came back and I found I actually resented him and was starting to hate him. I didn't like who I became in the end.

Sex drives can fluctuate, especially with young children, but the key thing here is he won't get help or see a doctor. That to me shows he has no interest in restarting your sex life and given what I said above, is probably happy with porn.

OP I’ve just left a relationship similar to yours. We adored each other, very close - intimate even. But no sex. I felt completely sexless by the end, thought I’d be happy to never have sex again!
But I’ve recently met someone, we have amazing sex and I’m surprised to discover that I am still a sexual, desirable person. Quite a revelation.

I think it is a psychological coping mechanism against a sexless marriage. Your mind is saying, I'm not going to have sex so why bother looking attractive for a man who doesn't desire me. It's your way of staying in the marriage by becoming like him, sexless, undesiring and undesirable.

It this is a 2 edged sword. You may be able to cope with no sex if you no longer want it but it will erode the overall relationship and your feelings of self worth.

Surely he does not have to go to a gp.plenty of on line home testing he could do?

You can order testosterone tests online now I think Superdrug does one?

Get him to do an at home test, he won't have to explain himself to a doctor then. I was the one lacking desire and put it down to two young kids. My hormones were fine but I was severely lacking in vitamin D and starting supplements has surprisingly helped my sex drive.
I knew my lack of desire was upsetting DH and did something constructive to try to help it.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I can see what you’re saying but I think the real issue here is that he’s leaving her in limbo and actually being really inconsiderate by doing so. He says he’ll go and get his testosterone checked but keeps procrastinating with a million different excuses. If he’s not prepared to go and doesn’t want to rekindle their sex life in any way he needs to make this clear to the OP rather than stringing her along with false hope. She can then decide if she’s willing to accept how he’s chosen to alter the terms of their relationship, or whether it’s become unacceptable. Being left in limbo is grossly unfair.

I think you have rose tinted glasses OP. He’s not so wonderful if he’s not prepared to make your happiness a priority. He’s certainly not a soul mate. I wonder what he would say if you suggested an open relationship where you got your sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere?

Make no mistake, you’re making a huge sacrifice and I think you’ll regret it. Some people are totally happy being asexual but you very clearly aren’t. Your psyche will break the dam sooner or later, no matter how you try to plug it and your resentment will come flooding through - but it might take years. Take it from someone who’s been there. You’re so young still. There is time to fix this, either with or without your DH. Please don’t settle for this half-life, it will destroy you in the end.

Ps - FWIW, I’d be very surprised if testosterone isn’t playing a part!! If everything he told you really is true, a simple testosterone check could provide all the answers you need......yet he won’t get it done....infuriating!

There will be plenty of DHs mentioned on here who want sex and there partners don’t for whatever reason. The responses would be different I’m sure! What is your reaction when he refuses sex? Have you really laid things out, told him how you feel? Is he ‘sitting himself out’? If so how often or could it be a medical issue? Or to put it plainly, he does have a right to refuse and you can’t make him I’m afraid. Your choice is to stay as things are or talk it through and go from there.

@ExhaustedFlamingo

Ps - FWIW, I’d be very surprised if testosterone isn’t playing a part!! If everything he told you really is true, a simple testosterone check could provide all the answers you need......yet he won’t get it done....infuriating!

Would say the same to women who have gone through the menopause say, and now no longer want sex? Should they have to go to the GP and get HRT in an attempt to revive their sex drive? Are they too infuriating if they don't want to?

If he doesn't want to have sex then he's free to make that choice. Of course, op is entirely free to decide whether she leaves the relationship or not. I just don't think either party has the right to force the other into having sex that they don't want to have. Why would a partner want to have sex when they know that the other person doesn't really want to anyway?

Thank you for those who replied with anecdotes of their own similar experiences. It does help to read these.
To clear a few things up.

It wasn't always like this. We had a healthy sex life and I got married believing we were sexually compatible.

Pp are suggesting GP and testosterone tests not because he is a man, but because DH is also very unhappy with the situation. He misses our sex life and wants to have sex, but feels no desire or urge. So of course he should look into it, which is why people are suggesting tests.

He keeps putting it off, which is part of the problem.

I didn't realise testosterone tests could be bought online. I will suggest it to him.

He has every right to refuse sex - and he does. I respect it, and I don't pester him, hence pleasing myself. My original question was regarding my own sexuality, and my confusion of its sudden absence.

I expect that sex drives fluctuate over a marriage. With two young children and both working, advancing careers, doing uni work, elderly parents etc etc I do not expect to swinging from the chandeliers. I do want to have some sexual intimacy though, and Its ok to want and to enjoy that part of a relationship.

Pp are suggesting GP and testosterone tests not because he is a man, but because DH is also very unhappy with the situation. He misses our sex life and wants to have sex, but feels no desire or urge. So of course he should look into it, which is why people are suggesting tests.

He keeps putting it off, which is part of the problem.

If he was that unhappy, or wanted treatment, he would go to the doctor wouldn't he?

If I could not have sex it would be at the top of my list, restoring normal service would be my highest priority. Partly for the sake of my DW of course but also because sex is a great ego booster, it makes me feel good about myself.

As others have said, if your DH really wanted to tackle this he would have done something about it by now. And his refusal to engage with it for your sake is selfish and shows little understanding of your feelings.

@Anothernick

If I could not have sex it would be at the top of my list, restoring normal service would be my highest priority. Partly for the sake of my DW of course but also because sex is a great ego booster, it makes me feel good about myself.

As others have said, if your DH really wanted to tackle this he would have done something about it by now. And his refusal to engage with it for your sake is selfish and shows little understanding of your feelings.

But there are many women who lose their sex drives and who don't take action.

So people calling this man selfish, saying that he must go to the Dr, must find the cause, must medicate it, is responsible for the ops feelings about herself are suggesting that women must do the same.

Yet when threads appear on MN written by women most posters state that they don't owe their partner sex, that the partner should stop asking and accept it or leave, that it's not the wife's fault if the husband's self esteem is reliant on having sex, that she isn't obliged to medicate herself just in order for him to have sex, that what sort of person would want sex with a reluctant partner.

So are those arguments only applicable when the person who doesn't want sex is a woman?

We have no idea why this man no longer wants sex or why he won't go to the doctor. He must have his reasons otherwise he would have gone.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras I have to agree with this really, a huge double standard but that appears here a lot.

You say it wasn’t always like this? When did it become like this? Was it pre or post first baby?

If it’s post then that could be your link. Some men just don’t see their partners as sexual beings anymore once they have had a baby.

@treefox3513 I do t think you should be 'suggesting' anything to him. I think you should buy the tests online (I got female hormone ones online) and make him do them, and then tell him he is going to set up a Skype appointment with a private GP (better drugs, faster), or even better a male hormone specialist.

It's absolutely appalling what he's doing. You don't just 'not get around' to this when it's hurting your partner so much. Tell him it's either that or as a pp said an open marriage.

Really. It's time to put your foot down and stop just allowing him to do this. He's probably scared it's something else etc but I'm sorry the alternative is almost certainly divorce at some point.

You don't be able to live like this - if you think your sexuality will dwindle as you get older you are wrong. I thought I'd hit a peak at around 38-39... until I hit my mid-late 40s snd was even worse 😁.

As for the double standard - you will never hear me say that to other women. Unilaterally deciding sex isn't for you is fine if you're ok with your oh having affairs etc. Because they will, and I can't really blame them.

Not on for either sex. Unless you BOTH are ok and agree you are ok. Otherwise I'm sorry it's selfish and you need to accept the fact that it's likely they will sleep around. And you can't really make much fuss if they do.

Also as @B9008 says post baby could be the other reason. That's the one that's takes much longer to fix.

As for 'if he wanted to go he would have gone' I'm pretty sure we don't all just get to do what we want in a relationship. So it's not really the point - the point is he has a very unhappy young wife. Who hopefully he doesn't want to lose.

Your DP needs to see his GP, definitely sounds like low testosterone. Needs to see an endocrinologist if it is.

if you think your sexuality will dwindle as you get older you are wrong.

Indeed. I'm 65 and still loving it.

Are you on contraception or is he using condoms? Maybe he’s fearful of you becoming pregnant again? Is your family complete now or have you discussed having more?

As adorable as a 3 yr old and a 9 month old are....it’s a massive life changer.

@Iflyaway Indeed. I'm 65 and still loving it.

Good to know!!!! It's the best kept secret. You get all the 'oh your homes are dwindling' but what you don't hear is that testosterone is often the one that dwindles a little slower..... 😁

Your hormones are dwindling! Not homes!

@Iflyaway

if you think your sexuality will dwindle as you get older you are wrong.

Indeed. I'm 65 and still loving it.

Quite. I have been pleasantly surprised to discover that sexual desire does not reduce much, if at all, as I get older. I'm 61 now - my DW and I continue to DTD at least once a week and I also masturbate regularly.

I know this is a zombie thread, so apologies for that, but I came across it and blimey - talk about a lightbulb moment! I’ve recently come out of a 15 year relationship, which was only sexual for the first four years (his choice). I thought I was ok with that, and assumed it was because I’d put weight on (even though when I lost the weight for a while, it made no difference) and that it was just that I wasn’t desirable any more. I thought living a sexless life was an ok tradeoff for how compatible we were in other ways, but what I struggled with more was the complete absence of affection - he wasn’t interested in touching me in any way at all. Anyway... not trying to make it all about me. It’s just that I realised, reading this thread, that I became, over that decade, a neuter - I can’t even vaguely imagine how anyone would find me attractive again, and lost all sense of myself as a sexual being. I thought it was part of getting older and fatter and menopausal, and couldn’t/can’t visualise ever having sex or being intimate with anyone again.

I guess I wanted to say to you, @treefox3513, with the benefit of hindsight... don’t let that happen to you. If your DH won’t get help (I suggested to my partner that he go to the GP and get his testosterone checked, but he wouldn’t, and he’s the last person in the world who’d ever want to get counselling/therapy of any kind), then really think carefully about whether you are willing to lose your identity as a sexual and desirable being. For some people, it doesn’t matter that much (I thought it didn’t for me), and I think it’s easy to let things slide when you have kids, but if you want to have a sense of your own identity outside of being ‘mum’, then my advice to you would be not to let that part of you be subsumed and forgotten.

I hope things have improved for you.