I've been an idiot, and I don't know what to do now

[PotOfYoghurt]

I'm an idiot. An immature idiot who's now fucking up someone else's life. If you read this and can help me straighten my thoughts out or just be someone who listens I would appreciate it. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I will try and type everything so as not to drip feed.

A year ago I started seeing someone. He was very kind, attentive, a good listener. He apologised when he did something wrong and admitted he was at fault and made sure not to do it again. All good things, I thought.

I think I wilfully ignored all of the bad signs.

We moved too fast, together from the first date. I think looking back now I was so immature with relationships, starved for attention and due to horrendous low self esteem I ignored this typical red flag and chose instead to hope that we would be the exception to the rule, one of the couples you hear about who get engaged after two weeks and are happily married for 20 years.

He still lived at home at 28 and had everything done for him by his mum. I told him that if we were to have a serious relationship and move in together I wouldn't be doing anything like that and that it was very important to me to have an equal partner who took care of their share of things, and that I didn't want to be with a man child.

We moved in together after 6 months. Two months later I got pregnant due to a ripped condom. I took the MAP but must have already ovulated. We talked about me having a termination, but being in my late 20s and having issues with my ovaries and not even knowing if I would be able to conceive and carry a child I decided to continue with the pregnancy.

We've been living together since the new year and there's a regular pattern of him not doing anything around the house, anything, then I get upset and point it out and say it's not good enough and that I told him this wasn't what I wanted in a relationship, and then he gets upset at himself and promises to change and to try harder and he'll do a few things for a few days and then it stops again.

We've just had the same talk. I told him that these things never improve after a baby is born and only get worse, that we've had this conversation so many times but nothing has changed in six months, so how long am I supposed to keep waiting and hoping that things will change? I said that I didn't want to stay together hoping things improve only to break up in another year or so because nothing has changed.

He broke down and cried, and said he doesn't know why he does it and that it's not because he doesn't love me it's because he doesn't love himself.

I know he's struggling with a bit of depression and anxiety, his weight has just been going up and up since he had a bad breakup a few years ago. I suggested he try therapy and he's been going for a couple of months. He also has untreated sleep apnoea which was finally confirmed last week, which I told him he had when we first got together, and he's had blood tests last week to see if there's another reason he's always so tired/mentally fatigued. He said he almost hopes they say he has diabetes so there's a reason for the way he feels.

So I know physically he's not great, and mentally he's not great and that it all exacerbates each other, and I've tried to be patient and not get upset when he falls asleep when we're talking or when he can't remember anything I tell him, even important things, but the reason for his behaviour or how sorry he is doesn't change the effect it has on me, our relationship, and in the future, our child. I don't want my child to grow up and see that modelled as a way of how to behave in a relationship. Whether it's a boy or a girl it will grow up learning how to take care of yourself and how to take care of others.

He has many good qualities. He's very kind, and can be thoughtful and bring me home things I like to eat or flowers. He's gentle, and never raised his voice. He loves this baby very much, and gets very emotional whenever he looks at scan pictures etc.

I said this morning that I can't afford to stay in the UK and be a single parent. At least in London where we live. I've been furloughed since it came in, and I will have to quit my job once the baby is born as it's not something that's possible to continue to do. I have no family in this country. I said that the most sensible option is for me to go back to my home country where I have family support, and to go before the baby is born because no matter how kind he is now, things can always change after a breakup and he would be able to stop me leaving the country if the baby is born here. And then I would be trapped.

But I'm still fucking up this baby's life. It will grow up without two parents. He won't be able to see the baby for a long time after it's born because the borders are closed from CV19. He won't be able to get into the country. And even then, we live on opposite sides of the world with a very expensive flight in between us. He wouldn't be able to be a present father.

I want nothing more than for us to be together, as a family, and for things to work out. There is still, even now, a tiny part of me that is foolishly hoping this will be the catalyst he needs to change and to step up. But if it hasn't happened so far when will it? I feel like a stupid little girl blindly crossing her fingers.

I was stupid to let things move too fast, I was stupid to move in together so fast and to get pregnant so fast. None of this should've happened. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get into this position. I never thought I would be here. This isn't how I wanted my life to be.

So I've fucked up, and now I've fucked up another human being's life who isn't even born yet. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I just feel so overwhelmed and so heartbroken, and even if no one replies it was cathartic to write it down.

OP I don't have any advice on your decision, but wanted to pick up on this:

my vitamin D levels are ridiculously low, 19 at last check, also very low B12 and ferritin if anyone has any ideas

You then mentioned you've had bariatric surgery. Assuming you had bypass, you have malabsorption for many nutrients. Your GP should be prescribing a broad-spectrum multivit (Forceval is most commonly given), a calcium and Vit D tablet (chewable Calci-D or Adcal-D5 are most common), and crucially, B12 injections once every 3 months, because B12 has huge difficulty passing the gut barrier, and even the sub-lingual sprays don't work. If you menstruate you should also be taking iron tablets, usually Ferrous Fumarate.

Bear in mind for yourself that most medications taken in tablet form won't be absorbed as in someone with a "normal" gut, so soluble paracetamol, co-codamol etc are best for pain. Never take NSAIDs such as aspirin or ibuprofen as they can really fuck up your stomach.

Good luck with your decision.

Not sure of the rules where you are because we are out of lockdown, but could you do something outdoors When he gets home from work? Like both go for a walk to the park? Sounds silly but with the light evenings might make you both feel a bit better about things? If he has good qualities for some things you might need to work on the rest slowly. It’s quite hard living with a man for whom his mother did everything (says the voice of experience)! At the moment your furloughed, he’s working, both have health issues so I would try to do small things together. If he refuses then yes move out, but at least you would have tried.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you for your advice, like I said I know firsthand what having a Vit D deficiency is like as mine has been very low for several years. It was first picked up when I was living in the Middle East before I had my surgery, along with my low B12. Since my surgery I do take a special bariatric multivitamin every day, 4000 IU Vit D, and ferrous fumerate iron tablets. Since I've been pregnant I've swapped my normal multivitamin to a pregnancy one to limit the Vit A.

My GP won't prescribe B12 injections, even though my surgeon recommended them, because they say I should be getting enough in my particular multivitamin. I didn't have a bypass, I had a sleeve, but still need the above vitamins for the rest of my life.

So I'm not really sure why I had deficiencies even before my surgery, but it definitely didn't help and neither is being pregnant that's for sure. In particular I'm not vegetarian so not sure where the low B12 comes from. If you know anything else about iron I've occasionally been flagged as having low iron when I used to go and give blood before I moved to the Middle East, and once was told I had low MCV volume, whatever that means.

I've made up a very thorough list of tasks for the week, and he's looked through it and seems happy and engaged with it. We'll see how it goes over the next month I guess.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sorry, one more off topic question- I know about NSAIDS like ibuprofen but didn't know about aspirin- I've been prescribed 150mg a day as I'm at a higher risk of pre-eclampsia, my midwife knows about my surgery and has referred me to a consultant about it but didn't mention aspirin being an issue. Should I double check with her or my clinic?

What is a perfect world for a child to grow in? No such exists.
Nothing in this world is perfect or pans out how it is supposed too
What a child needs most is stability not a fucked up living situation or miserable parents!
You can only rely on yourself from now on to decide what is best for you and the baby, co parent is never ideal nor is a bickering relationship but it is life.
I would go home than sit around unhappy because what you need is support now and the first few years.

His issues aren't yours to fix,, he can travel now or in the future maybe you have a safe exist given he can't travel without you I do not know only you do.

"He broke down and cried, and said he doesn't know why he does it and that it's not because he doesn't love me it's because he doesn't love himself"

Eh?What a load of shite.

Presumably he has tasks,duties at work. Does he just start crying there because he doesn't love himself?

He’s crying because he knows you’re pulling away emotionally, and it draws you back in.

Op as someone who also comes from the their side of the world, having a baby away from all your friends and family is really really tough and I have a very helpful and supportive oh. If I was you I would get on the next plane home and be around your family. If he can’t look after himself he won’t be able to help with the baby. It was a big mistake to have my babies here and wish everyday I could move home to be with my family.

Also once a child is born you won’t be able to just move back. If a child is in their usual home you can’t just remove them so waiting until it’s born is a bad idea you will be stuck here unless the father agrees for you to move.

Are you still in the Middle East? It's one thing to be say , Irish and living in the UK. You're close to home. It's entirely different to be living in the Middle East.
I would take a very careful look into their laws regarding taking a child out of the country without both parents' permission. That might help you decide if you want to be stranded as a domestic appliance to this man, with no job and no support for the next 18 years

If you are in two minds, then please do be aware that vitamin D deficiency can cause all sorts of mood problems/depression/lethargy etc. So you might find he's quite different when the balance is restored. But if ultimately you do decide to go, so much the better before the baby is an older child who felt torn from their familiar surroundings.

OP, if you have to ask an adult to help around the house you are already at a loss. A few years ago an ex moved with me, he had always lived at home with his mother even though he was in his late 40s. I asked him that he should do some share of the household chores, he went downstairs and threw things around and slamming the door behind him. I asked him to move to the spare room, he packed his stuff and went back to his mother's house, tried to come back a few days later, I told him, "No thank you..."

Recently, I had a young woman living in my house - she would leave dishes on the worktop, on the cooker and in the sink rather than putting them into the dishwasher. I asked her this question, "Since, it's just you and I in the house, who do you think should be cleaning after you?" She stormed downstairs and did as little as she could.

I never mentioned it again but I always made sure that I clean after myself. Fast forward four months, she does clean after herself. Well, she has no choice as I always leave the kitchen and bathroom spotless.

You will find it harder with a newborn baby and I agree with other Posters, you need family support around you. Think of sleepless night due to a new baby and the housework.

I just wanted to let you know that my DP was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a mask at night to help him breathe.
He's still a lazy twat but he's like a different person now he is getting more sleep (his tests showed he was only getting around one full hour of sleep per night!). I hope things improve for him and you.