I've been an idiot, and I don't know what to do now

[PotOfYoghurt]

I'm an idiot. An immature idiot who's now fucking up someone else's life. If you read this and can help me straighten my thoughts out or just be someone who listens I would appreciate it. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I will try and type everything so as not to drip feed.

A year ago I started seeing someone. He was very kind, attentive, a good listener. He apologised when he did something wrong and admitted he was at fault and made sure not to do it again. All good things, I thought.

I think I wilfully ignored all of the bad signs.

We moved too fast, together from the first date. I think looking back now I was so immature with relationships, starved for attention and due to horrendous low self esteem I ignored this typical red flag and chose instead to hope that we would be the exception to the rule, one of the couples you hear about who get engaged after two weeks and are happily married for 20 years.

He still lived at home at 28 and had everything done for him by his mum. I told him that if we were to have a serious relationship and move in together I wouldn't be doing anything like that and that it was very important to me to have an equal partner who took care of their share of things, and that I didn't want to be with a man child.

We moved in together after 6 months. Two months later I got pregnant due to a ripped condom. I took the MAP but must have already ovulated. We talked about me having a termination, but being in my late 20s and having issues with my ovaries and not even knowing if I would be able to conceive and carry a child I decided to continue with the pregnancy.

We've been living together since the new year and there's a regular pattern of him not doing anything around the house, anything, then I get upset and point it out and say it's not good enough and that I told him this wasn't what I wanted in a relationship, and then he gets upset at himself and promises to change and to try harder and he'll do a few things for a few days and then it stops again.

We've just had the same talk. I told him that these things never improve after a baby is born and only get worse, that we've had this conversation so many times but nothing has changed in six months, so how long am I supposed to keep waiting and hoping that things will change? I said that I didn't want to stay together hoping things improve only to break up in another year or so because nothing has changed.

He broke down and cried, and said he doesn't know why he does it and that it's not because he doesn't love me it's because he doesn't love himself.

I know he's struggling with a bit of depression and anxiety, his weight has just been going up and up since he had a bad breakup a few years ago. I suggested he try therapy and he's been going for a couple of months. He also has untreated sleep apnoea which was finally confirmed last week, which I told him he had when we first got together, and he's had blood tests last week to see if there's another reason he's always so tired/mentally fatigued. He said he almost hopes they say he has diabetes so there's a reason for the way he feels.

So I know physically he's not great, and mentally he's not great and that it all exacerbates each other, and I've tried to be patient and not get upset when he falls asleep when we're talking or when he can't remember anything I tell him, even important things, but the reason for his behaviour or how sorry he is doesn't change the effect it has on me, our relationship, and in the future, our child. I don't want my child to grow up and see that modelled as a way of how to behave in a relationship. Whether it's a boy or a girl it will grow up learning how to take care of yourself and how to take care of others.

He has many good qualities. He's very kind, and can be thoughtful and bring me home things I like to eat or flowers. He's gentle, and never raised his voice. He loves this baby very much, and gets very emotional whenever he looks at scan pictures etc.

I said this morning that I can't afford to stay in the UK and be a single parent. At least in London where we live. I've been furloughed since it came in, and I will have to quit my job once the baby is born as it's not something that's possible to continue to do. I have no family in this country. I said that the most sensible option is for me to go back to my home country where I have family support, and to go before the baby is born because no matter how kind he is now, things can always change after a breakup and he would be able to stop me leaving the country if the baby is born here. And then I would be trapped.

But I'm still fucking up this baby's life. It will grow up without two parents. He won't be able to see the baby for a long time after it's born because the borders are closed from CV19. He won't be able to get into the country. And even then, we live on opposite sides of the world with a very expensive flight in between us. He wouldn't be able to be a present father.

I want nothing more than for us to be together, as a family, and for things to work out. There is still, even now, a tiny part of me that is foolishly hoping this will be the catalyst he needs to change and to step up. But if it hasn't happened so far when will it? I feel like a stupid little girl blindly crossing her fingers.

I was stupid to let things move too fast, I was stupid to move in together so fast and to get pregnant so fast. None of this should've happened. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get into this position. I never thought I would be here. This isn't how I wanted my life to be.

So I've fucked up, and now I've fucked up another human being's life who isn't even born yet. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I just feel so overwhelmed and so heartbroken, and even if no one replies it was cathartic to write it down.

I've never said he doesn't deserve to see his child, not once. And my child deserves to know its father. But I have no support network here at all, my worry is that if I were to stay here my mental health would decline and I wouldn't be in the best state for my child which I would at home, with friends and family. When we found out I was pregnant we talked and I expressed my concern about keeping the baby and staying here and what would happen if we broke up, and he said 'I would never stop you going home, and if you chose to I think I would move there as well to be part of the baby's life'.

I so so so wish something clicks in him and he changes, he has been assessed by the sleep clinic back in March and had the overnight test done but only got the results when he called to ask about blood tests, everything was put on hold because of covid. His GP said he's been diagnosed with moderate sleep apnoea and needs. CPAP machine and to lose weight. The clinic should contact him with an appointment for his machine at some point. I really hope it makes a difference and gives him the energy and focus to get things on track for him.

I want him to be happy. I want him to take care of himself and feel proud of his behaviour and actions. I don't like seeing him upset. But I don't want to realise I've made a mistake a few years from now and wish I had done something at this moment instead of waiting.

@PotOfYoghurt stop beating yourself down. You've acknowledged where you went wrong, and you know what you would of done differently. It's time to be kinder to yourself. Unfortunately all possible outcomes are going to involve really big decisions where someone is going to feel hurt.

I think the best thing you could do is still be together but live separately. You two may of rushed the beginning of your relationship but there's no reason why you can't slow it down now.

Can you afford to live alone outside of London on Universal Credit and maternity pay? And during this crazy time with covid-19 have you already applied for it?

Never ever feel your child is missing out if they don't have two parents together. Only children who grow up with parents that are happy and inlove does it benefit the child. Children pick up on emotions and atmosphere far better then an adult can, even if you think you're great at acting and getting along with the dad, children know and it can affect their own relationships later on.

I feel sorry that your boyfriend is suffering from depression and apnoea but unfortunately there is only so much you can do for him. Sometimes people need to lose something to finally change. I do think asking him to move out would be best for your situation.

Good luck!

Reading between the lines I don’t think you love this man at all.
You say he’s kind and attentive but there’s no passion in your description. You could be describing a lazy housemate.
Does your stomach flip over when you see him, when you walk past him do you randomly kiss him because he’s so gorgeous, do you hold hands when you’re walking down the street.
You’ve been together just one year. If there’s no real love or romance now then baby or no baby this relationship will not last.

I love the way he cries and says he doesn't know why he does it.
He does know its because he is a lazy shit and never has any intention of changing ever.
He just thinks like men like this do that to wear you down, you will eventually give in and do everything for him like mummy.
Leave this lazy shit and have a great life with your child. It's his problem if he doesn't want to step up and become a decent husband and father, not yours.

Would he consider moving with you to your home country before baby is born, with you as a couole to give things one last shot? You have your support network and he can choose to stay in the country of things work out?

Run like the hounds of hell are biting your heels

@Coffeecak3

Reading between the lines I don’t think you love this man at all. You say he’s kind and attentive but there’s no passion in your description. You could be describing a lazy housemate. Does your stomach flip over when you see him, when you walk past him do you randomly kiss him because he’s so gorgeous, do you hold hands when you’re walking down the street. You’ve been together just one year. If there’s no real love or romance now then baby or no baby this relationship will not last.

Nah, he makes her feel like she's kicking a puppy for expecting him to act like a grown up.

OSA and vitamin D deficiency can make you feel like shit - but that doesn't mean you manipulate your partner to look after you like a baby, you take steps to deal with the conditions yourself. And you don't 'win' arguments why tearfully whispering 'I'm a cunt to you because - sniff - I don't love myself'.

Just go home, OP. It'll be the best thing you could do for your baby.

All he needs to do is a bit of housework and he cant even do that I'm order to keep his baby with him?? Come on, the man has a job, I'm sure he's capable of running the hoover and doing some washing.

I was shit at housework when I was younger and it doesn't come naturally to me but as an adult and responsible woman, I keep my house clean and tidy. It's a pain and an effort but doable (and I work, have 4 kids and a pet).

@MitziK totally agree which is why I wondered did OP love him at all.
He doesn’t sound very loveable but you never know.

I think most of the responses here are harsh and pretty horrible.

The guy does work, he's not some cock lodger. The OP has said he is excited about the baby coming. She has also said that he is attentive and a good partner. Theres ONE issue, he doesn't pull his weight. Is the result of ONE issue to take a child across the world so they barely have a relationship with their father? Absolutely not.

So he has a lack of vitamin D and needs help for this so that's the first step. I'm wondering though OP, if he is working full time and you're furloughed and the baby is not yet born, what are all these things you think he should be doing? Sure he should chip in and do his share but it can hardly be 50/50 when he is working and you aren't? Be realistic. You've only been living together for 5 months by the sounds of it, 3 of those being during a lockdown and he has a mental health issue. He's hardly going to be springing about the house doing all the housework is he? I think it's unfair to put him on trial and assume he's a lazy shit full stop when it's testing times.

Decide what you like and don't mind doing and decide what he likes and doesn't mind doing and split the jobs. I'm someone that is very clean and tidy and I have high standards. My husband is ok but his standards aren't like mine. He has lots of other good qualities so I don't get hung up on this bad one. I need to sometimes to remind him to do something but it's fine because he's a great father and great husband and it's tiny in the grand scheme of things. He isn't lying in bed all day or a general lay about, he just needs a bit of direction on things and a bit of prompting. People on here will say but why should I have to do that? Why should I not? No one is perfect and if we expected our partners to be the full package and have no negatives, none of would ever be in a relationship.

This is his negative. Work on it. 5 months is no time and 3 of those being lockdown isn't a fair basis to judge someone on and make such a huge decision to make their relationship with their child almost non existent.

I think people over estimate this 'support network'. Sure grandparents help out and stuff but at the end of the day, the parents are the parents and they will always have full responsibility for their child. At least give him a chance

1. You haven't fucked up. He is not taking responsibility. He is a man child. You gave him a chance.
2. You have not fucked up your baby's life
3. You MUST have the baby in a country where you are in control of that baby's life. Do not have the baby where you have no support, and he can prevent you from taking it home.

Baby is the one with the most pressing needs here. Baby needs you tone supported. Look after baby. He will unfortunately have to look out for himself. Baby will be ok if you are loved and supported. You tried for the fairy tale...he should have tried too Xx

• to be, not tone

I think that taking on the emotional labour is hard for a depressed person or struggling person, especially if it's not something they've had to do before. I think I would start with a rota, a list of everything that needs done around the house daily/weekly/monthly and assign tasks to each of you (but mix it up a bit so you don't end up with his jobs and her jobs). Explain that you will arrange the rota for now but in a couple of months you expect to share that load too. Divide the list and agree that you get all your things done by the end of each week/day whatever.
If he still can't manage it when it's spelled out for him then I would say that is time to call it quits and head to where you have family.
I wouldn't suggest spoon feeding an OH normally but I think if you want to try and make it work for the baby and think you could be happy then it's worth one let try. Good luck xx

32K is enough money to fly to see you.

Go now. If it is meant to continue it will. If he doesn't make the effort, it won't, and you were right.

He's whinging because he's expected to act like a grown up, but won't, because he's a lazy bastard. I'd tell him if he doesn't act his age and step up, I'd seriously consider going home.

@Bionical89 I'm not asking him to do 50/50 during the week when he's working, I'm not asking him to do some of my share even though I can't sleep next to him and end up on the sofa at 4 am, or when I'm throwing up after everything I eat.

In the last week he's hung up a load of towels when I asked him to. That's it. He leaves his dishes on the bench even though we have a dishwasher. There's piles of his hobby stuff and his general things all over the dining table. He leaves piles of clothes everywhere. When I stopped doing his washing he ran out of work shirts and underpants. His only agreed job that's his is the bins, because at the moment the smell of the bin store for our building makes me nauseous. He still doesn't do them regularly and yesterday even though I had bagged them up and left them in the kitchen for him he forgot them when he went to work and when I went into the kitchen there were flies everywhere and they had laid eggs all over the surfaces. So I took them out.

He had three days off over the weekend and spent most of it on his computer. Then he'll do something like put a load of washing on and I think oh good he's trying and doing better, and then it just stops again.

Even before I was furloughed it was the same. I worked away for a week at a time in a very stressful tiring job, working 24/7 with a monitor overnight while I slept. When I got back after my first week the flat was an absolute mess with pizza boxes and rubbish everywhere and not one piece of housework done. I'm not expecting him to do more than what's reasonable.

I think I love him, at least it's more than anything I've felt for someone before. I'm never been sure if I'm able to love anyone as I've never really 'missed' people including friends and family and I don't seem to form attachments well, probably left over from childhood issues. I've always felt a bit stunted or abnormal in that respect. But I care about him and his happiness and wellbeing, I enjoy spending a lot of time with him, he makes me laugh, we have a good sex life and we're very physically affectionate with each other.

I think I'll try giving the rota and list of tasks a go. He said a couple of weeks ago that in his procrastination book there's a part on housework/jobs and he asked if I could help him with the list. I said of course and let me know when he wanted to do the activity in the book together, as he was at work, but he hasn't brought it up by then.

I could also ask him to ring the dr again and see how long it might be before he gets his CPAP machine. From what I've read they have an effect pretty quickly.

Then we could see how things go if he gets his machine and we have a rota, if he'll keep to it, and then I still have a couple of months to see and make my decision on flying before I'm unable to.

Thank you all for your help.

Can I just say that untreated sleep apnoea does indeed make people feel completely exhausted. If he's working full time then that may be taking up all of his energy. So, it's actually very good news that he's been diagnosed and got the CPAP machine in sight, whether or not you stay with him in this country, as either way he will need more energy to be a partner.

Those saying he just needs to try harder- he literally isn't getting enough oxygen to function. That and Vit D deficiency will be flooring him.

I'm not saying he'll be brilliant after this, but if he's well intentioned, works hard in a f/t job, is accepting and happy that you got pregnant accidentally, and is keen to be a father, I don't think all is lost in this situation at all. I would push push push to get his sleep apnoea treated (so call the clinic or he calls the clinic/consultant and tries to get the machine asap) and also his Vit D deficiency, at the moment, he must feel he's failing in life being so ill and tired all the time.

I'm going to say he can't change at the moment BECAUSE sleep apnoea would leave you exhausted and I'm sure that would cause depression and apathy. So two things can he get some help for that and say to him he needs to loose weight. Weight makes sleep apnea much worse and you can do it together because a healthy diet will be great for you too ( I'm not saying you're unhealthy, but I wish I didn't eat so many Mars bars mid pregnancy and gain so much weight which I couldn't tell at the time)

Then he's seen his mother do all the stuff and he needs to look after you and the baby once it comes.

It's a tricky one .. how long do you have to try because you need to get home to give birth ?

As a single mother

Having friends and family support around you is so much more important than having a partner from my experience. For mother and baby both.

So I would advise you to back to your home country before birthing because weather he joins you there or not at a later date it sounds like the best place for you and baby

Also you haven't by any means ruined anyone's life. Your bringing life into the world that is a beautiful thing and your child will love you and experience joy and happiness and sadness too but that's just part of life. We live in modern times and many children grow up healthy and happy out of the traditional family set up.

Also, at the moment, he may be in a vicious circle of trying to get energy by eating shit to sustain even basic levels of living- once he has the machine, there's more hope of him eating healthily and doing exercise. It isn't easy though and some people find the machine hard to tolerate, but he has to, literally has to, if he is going to feel better and live his life in a better way. He may go on to lose significant amounts of weight, I know someone with CPAP that has, and whilst he's still a bit overweight, he's fitter and healthier than he's ever been.

By all means give the rota and task list a go. It seems like a good way to test whether he is willing to prioritise meeting your needs. If I were you I’d also put a deadline on it. You don’t necessarily need to tell him about the deadline. But you could decide that if things are not consistently better within three weeks that’s it.

Your update about the pizza boxes and the flies clarified to me that your partner’s level of disengagement is far beyond simply not pulling his weight. My partner didn’t pull his weight at first; your partner has crossed a different kind of line.

Also- you say the 'only' thing he's low in is Vot D- that's absolutely crucial! Low vit D symptoms are tiredness, weakness, muscle pain, joint pain, no wonder he's not feeling great!

I think his mental health also will improve a lot when he is physically well.

Usually in these situations, I am very much for the mum doing whatever she has to do to remain sane. Here though, you describe him as kind, a good listener, keen on the baby, great sex and attraction, I do think that it's worth a shot of trying a bit longer with this relationship.

You are acting like his mother, telling him what to do, how to do it, telling hom off when not done, telling him when to call the GP etc etc. He hasnt changed and your mental health will deteriotate when baby arrives dealing with him, sleep deprivation and baby. Go home , he will likely run back to his mum

I so so hope things improve when he gets his machine. I've told him from the beginning that he won't realise how unwell he feels until he gets it and knows what proper good quality sleep is. If the energy from that is enough to me able him to make changes that's what I want more than anything. I'm not sure if he'll get the vit D deficiency fixed, I have him some of my tablets in the winter (as my vitamin D levels are ridiculously low, 19 at last check, also very low B12 and ferritin if anyone has any ideas?!) and I got him some multivitamins but he takes them maybe once a month or two.

I could definitely do with being healthier, I had weight loss surgery two years ago and lost more than 60kg through that but since last summer my weight has stayed the same and hasn't gone down. I'm still very obese. I haven't been in a great place mentally this year and I know how depression saps any motivation to do anything. Most of the time I just lie in bed and cry. I can't do any exercise as I've had awful pain in my back since 8 weeks, that's worse on walking to the point where after spending a couple of hours standing up in the kitchen I then had to pull myself around the room holding on to furniture. Waiting for a gynae physio referral.

So I've tried buying lots of healthy food and making sure there's lots of things for him to take to work for his lunches, but every week most of it just gets thrown out and he ends up buying meal deals from Tesco, because he runs out of time to make lunch if I don't because he's on his computer.

This is why I don't know what to do. There are people saying I'm doing too much for him and enabling him and then people saying I'm not doing enough and being too hard on him. I am really struggling and I don't know what to do for the best.