How do you know if you have an angry/moody man or if its abusive? What's the difference?

[Vi37]

That's just it really, been with my partner for 14 years and I'm questioning it. I've ignored things mostly but we now have a two year old and I'm getting tired of his moods.

It's not nice to live with someone who has bad moods, or is unkind or angry. It doesn't really matter if its abusive although it probably is. What matters is how happy it makes you to live with him.

Thank you, not happy at the moment. Sometimes hes lovely but then other times hes vile deep down I want to leave but keep thinking he'll change as he matures. I don't want him to have my son if I leave though thats what's stopping me.

It's abusive behaviour.
He is controlling the house with his moods.
How often is he moody or angry?
Do things trigger this?

If someone is angry and moody, are they angry and moody at work with their boss, with their friends, with strangers, with their other relatives or do they save it all nicely for you? That's when it becomes abuse.

Sometimes lovely, sometimes not sounds abusive

He read a page of my diary two days ago which he said he didn't but then was angry at me for writing things down that hed said to me that week which irritated me. If he doubt read it how can he be angry? Weve not spoken for two days and I'm currently sleeping in my sons room.

Hes been angry at other jobs hes had in the past. This one hes got now he loves. He works 6 days a week which is nice for me.

He gets angry with his dad too. His mum died two years ago and throughout that he was horrible. So much so, I don't think I supported him at all.

I tried and he didn't want to know. He didn't even want me to sit with him at her funeral, I sat nearly at the back with his friend.

He sounds like he has anger issues. The question is, do you really want to make it your problem? 14 years together is a long time but how does another 14 years of him sound?

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

He had no right to read your diary and from what you write of him he is abusive towards you. Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people. He is also not a good father to his son if he treats you as this child's mother like this.

" I don't want him to have my son if I leave though thats what's stopping me."

This is no reason for you to stay with this man either really. If he is not all that bothered with you why would he be bothered with his son going forward. He won't likely be unless it is to punish you by making access arrangements difficult for you and use the child to control you further.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. Is this really the model you would want him to potentially emulate as an adult, no it is not. The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is abusive in nature and also a continuous one.

You have probably been hoping and or willing him to change for years now already; its not going to happen. This is who he is. Stop the denial and kidding yourself; this relationship is over.

Staying for the sake of the child is not a good idea at all and in your case its a particularly bad one. This man is showing you all too clearly now who he really is and you need to take heed.

He doesn't have anger issues. He has control issues. As in, he is a controlling fucker.

Read your diary? Wtf. Basically you aren't allowed any headspace of your own.

Yes, its abusive.

Yeah - this sounds like anger issues.
Is he willing to address them?
Get some anger management therapy?
If not then you are flogging a dead horse.
Add in the 'stonewalling abuse' and it makes for a fucking miserable life.

I don't think I can deal with it. I just want my son to live with me, I'm terrified he'll try take him away from me. Hes been to the docs with his anger and is on antidepressants. He was offered a support group but he decided it was too far away and did an NHS online counselling course instead but nothing is any different.

At this point, does it even matter? Your life is being made miserable and shit because of either:

a) an abusive man
b) an angry man.

Whether a or b, the man is making you miserable. You've given 14 years of your life to this relationship. If it's not good now, it isn't ever going to be.

Get out now, before your son learns from his father how to treat you, and any unfortunate woman he ends up in a relationship with in the future. Find a life for yourself away from this pathetic excuse for a man.

After reading my diary he asked what my endgame was?

OP he cabt just 'keep' your son.

Abusive sorts often threaten to take the kids but be honest, even if that were how it worked, do you really think he would want the responsibility of being a primary parent 24/7?

Do your son a favour ablnd show him that men dont get to treat women like shit. Heck, that partners dont get to treat partners like shit.

And to roughly quote Lundy- abusers arent abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive.

The distinction is moot. He's a grade a asshole who makes your life hell, regardless.

He said yesterday he doesnt care whether I stay or go and that hes bent over backwards for me. I'm not sure by doing what? I'm in charge of all the Bill's, I do shopping cook, clean, in the 14 years of being together hes cooked me my tea 3 times.

So in what way would your life be worse off if he wasn't in it?

Get on your bike out of there then. And remember to cancel your details off all the bills before you go.

The only thing stopping me is my son. I literally couldn't go on if he took him away from me, and I'm pretty sure it would be used as a threat. I could go to my mum and dads right now and they'd mother me. It would be lovely but he still has a right to him.

"I literally couldn't go on if he took him away from me, and I'm pretty sure it would be used as a threat".

Reasonable men do not use the child to threaten the mother with.

Why would he be at all able to take him away from you?. You are his primary carer and access should be arranged via the courts going forward (no informal arrangement).

Abusive men often threaten full custody or versions thereof because its a way of hurting the mother. The more you write about this man, the mores abusive he sounds.

Your son will need to be away from you sometimes; that is a fact sadly. You will not be able to protect your son fully from he seeing his dad's abuse and control of you if you choose to stay. You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

No he doesn’t. A caring father doesn’t hurt their child’s mother. An abusive father can’t be trusted to look after a child and doesn’t deserve to. Get out but get help from Women’s Aid to leave safely and read the Mumsnet guidance. Has he ever hit you?