How do you know if you have an angry/moody man or if its abusive? What's the difference?

[Vi37]

That's just it really, been with my partner for 14 years and I'm questioning it. I've ignored things mostly but we now have a two year old and I'm getting tired of his moods.

The things us he may keep pushing and pushing anyway. Also, when you show these sorts compromise or kindness, or just agree to there way for a quiet life - they take it as weakness and push a little bit further...and then push some more.

So agreeing to the son on weekends things isn't going to buy you a quiet life. Agree to what you want to agree to. But not because you think he will take it as an olive branch, because that wont happen.

*their way

He cant just take your child. You need to get out of this relationship. If you have evidence of his nastiness you need to back it up where he cant access it. Yes he will have some access to your son but doesn't sound like he'd even get 50/50 from what you've said. In any case if he works 6 days how could he look after him that much?
Get some legal advice and start making plans but do cover your tracks.

Seen your update op. Of course you wont be single forever! Tons of people split up and meet new partners! And you're fairly young, plenty of time for another!
Good for you for making this decision and all the best to you.

Hes asked if we can talk tonight I've told him it's over, I've told him I cant do this anymore. Told him I'm sick of swearing or shouting. He asked me when did he swear or shout at me. He called me a miserable cunt last week and then expected me to take it as a joke. A couple of months ago he was cross about the washing up not being done, i was fed up of him shouting so I put his washing on the wall outside the back door because I just wanted to come in he then asked me if I was a f*ing retard in front of our son. So because I've said he can talk to me, hes now doing all the jobs on the house while I bath our son.

Be careful giving him visitation.
I made the mistake of giving my abusive ex quite a lot and when he took me to court because I tried to reign it back, they said this is what your DD is use to, so it stays. I had to wait 2 years before she started school before I could have eow and 1 day a week.
Don't set a precedent.
If it was me, I'd argue his anger issues are a problem and I'd try to get supervised visits in place.
Can woman's aid advise you on that, or social services?

Thanknyou for the advice I'll keep that in mind

How do stop him talking me round now? Ds will be in bed in an hour and it's just me and him. I just want him to go. Weve been through this time and time again and I'm tired to be honest I'm 35 and I just want my mum and dad.

Can your parents come over or can you go to them? Remember why you're leaving him

They dont know anything about any of this. I think if my dad knew the things he'd said to me in the past he'd punch him

Should I have phoned my parents? I dont know what to do?

If you're scared of being on your own with him , get your mum and dad to call round to stay with you or take your baby to your mums

It's gonna be hard to stay firm to be honest but you absolutely can do it!!!
Just tell him exactly what you've said here!
Weve been through this time and time again and I'm tired to be honest I'm 35 and I just want my mum and dad
Please call your parents.
Are they close by? Could they come round?
You may need to placate if absolutely necessary.
Be the 'yes of course' person and then get the hell out of there tomorrow!!!
Fake it till you make it (in your case until you can escape)

Just go with everything he says, agree agree agree or Grey Rock like mad. Get through this evening, go tomorrow.

OR

Phone your parents, tell them everything, have them co me to pick you up asap. They can damage crontrol while you pack ds's stuff and yours.

if you think he's becoming dangerous in any way, call 999.

Thanks ladies xx

Just to clear up hes never been physically violent to me and he does look after our son, he plays with him and puts him to bed every night. About 90% of the time it's great, then something like this happens.

Well I've managed to avoid the talk for tonight, my son didnt go to sleep while 10.

Are you ok OP? Situation might get worse before it gets better but you can't live like this - always worrying about him coming home and not knowing what mood he will be in etc etc. Not good for your mental health and a toxic environment for your lovely boy xxx

Don't talk yourself round to staying today op. Call your mum and dad.

Thank you everyone. I just keep going over and over it, ' am I making the right decision?' ' am I too sensitive?'

OP this sounds so much like my ex! I tried to justify the bad with the good - it was like living with two different people! Please have the strength to move on, and know that this is the right thing. Imagine your poor son seeing him treating you like that growing up and thinking that's the right way to treat other people. Best of luck OP.

I've read on here some stories of ladies who have endured physical violence and being put down and called fat etc. Hes never done that, he tells me I look nice often, Im the one that controls the money, hes never hit me, he looks after our son and puts him to bed every night, he works, he has supported me while I build my business, hes never stopped me going out or seeing family or friends. That's why I struggle as to whether its abusive or not. It's all lovely then he just flios and I dont know where its come from.

You don't have to justify it. Especially with things like "he's never hit me".

All you have to do is answer the question Do I want to live like this?

You know that you don't. So don't.

He controls the house via his moods.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Re your comment:-
"It's all lovely then he just flios and I dont know where its come from".
All this nice and then he is suddenly not is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse in action and that cycle is a continuous one.

Abuse is not just physical in nature either. Verbal and emotional abuse (there are other types too) are just as damaging and this man is a poor example of a father to his son too if he treats you, you being his mum like this. What sort of an example is he to his son, would you want him to act like this as an adult to his wife/partner?. No you would not. Do not keep on doing your bit here to show your son that currently at least this from his dad is at all acceptable to you on some level.

Do enlist your parents help and put a lot of space both mental and physical between you and your abuser.