How do you know if you have an angry/moody man or if its abusive? What's the difference?

[Vi37]

That's just it really, been with my partner for 14 years and I'm questioning it. I've ignored things mostly but we now have a two year old and I'm getting tired of his moods.

Do not use your son as a reason to stay with this man because he won't thank you for doing that to him either. Whose sake would you be staying for anyway; his or really and truly for that matter yours?. Do not let fear of the unknown here rule your life. It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

AM courses are no answer to domestic violence which is what you are describing here too. Such men are angry anyway because they are abusive in nature.

Do not do your bit further here to teach your son such crap lessons about relationships. The relationship between you and your son's dad was over the first time he abused you and its certainly over now because he could not care less about you.

No court will give a man with documented anger issues more custody of a child than they would a mother. So stop needlessly fretting.

He can threaten you all he like but he cannot actually do that.

Give your child one safe environment away from this jerk. Yes he will still see his father but at least he will have a safe space away from him too.

Thank you for raising this question, I've been thinking along the same lines for a while.

I ended up settling for abusive behaviour is about power and control. It's so hard to see the difference between grumpy and abusive. Does he get angry about others but aim it at you? Is he different in front of other people? Does he shutdown all criticism or suggestions with anger or desertion?

In the cold light of day there are only two questions to ask yourself:

Am I happy with him?
If not, is that likely to change anytime soon?

If the answer is no on both counts then you owe it to yourself to leave.

You're all right. I've just been speaking to women's aid. They've given me some places to ring.this is such a big thing to do, I'm 35 with a two year old. I'll be single forever now! Wanted another child but that wont be happening. What a mess I've made of my life.

You won't necessarily be single forever op but you're better off single than with an angry knob. Glad you've got some advice

The funeral issues is huge!

Not wanting to leave your son with him is massive
Being glad when he's away these are really big things

Because of his documented anger issues you can make him see his son in a contact centre
Hopefully that will be too far for him like the counselling was

It doesnt really matter. All of it is horrible.

Well done for being pro active
Of course you won't be single if you don't want to be and I had my kids at 39 and 44 so a few years to have another one if you want
Best decision to get away from him

Thank you. I've packed a few bits for me and my son I just dont know when the time is right to go. Partner is home now so it will have to wait till tomorrow.

My mother stayed with my dad who was like this. I will never thank her for it, quite the opposite. It ruined my childhood. In fact I remember very little of it, my therapist tells me it is a defence mechanism due to trauma.

I wanted some time away from my dad. Even if I had had to put up with his moods some of the time, i would have still had a safe space without him

Sorry, second page didn't load. As above, you are doing the right thing!

Moods are pretty much a deal breaker for me, because I particularly dislike it due to having to put up with it from my father throughout my childhood. And it is a form of emotional abuse if someone makes you walk on eggshells. It's a form of control.

He exploits you as a household skivvy.

He shouldn't be reading your diary.

He also sounds abusive as you fear he might try and take your child from you etc.

I'll be single forever now

Only if you want to be, I'm sure. x

Glad if you're planning your escape. xxx

If you leave there is a possibility of finding a loving and respectful partner, if you stay that chance is 0.

I think you start with the
‘Angry , moody , depressed’
And then you do some reading and the awareness is there
Anyway , if someone makes
You unhappy you don’t have to stay with them
Regardless

It sounds like he does fuck all around the house, I'm guessing he's not the most engaged or attentive dad either? If you leave (which it sounds like you are and you need to!) he may threaten to go for custody, take him away etc. It's all bullshit. No way will he want sole responsibility and have to actually do stuff around the house to take care of his child solo. Don't let that scare you. Make the decision that's right for you and your kid. Good luck!

At 35 you still have time to have another child if you want to. You can meet someone decent and give your son a great life. You have not made a mess of your life OP, that fucker of a man has made a mess of things because he loves being in control. You have done nothing wrong.
Move on with grace and courage.

Just come in and asked me why I have these evidence notes in my bag. Apparently hes been discussing it with his family and even people at work!

As those people know already what a fucking moody angry asshole he is, no doubt they paid him lip service.
They will all know that what you are doing is right but not saying so they don't set him off!!!!

They like to tell everyone you are crazy/bad. OR to make you think they are telling everyone that.the narrative of 'EVERYONE THINKS this about you...' is common with abusers. To make you feel isolated and like you wont be believed.

Please leave fast. And read up on the 'narcissistic smear campaign' and narcissists in general. But never let him know you are researching this or he will turn it round on you.

He probably monitors your search history considering how creepy he is btw.

Get out, fast.

Are you physically safe there? Leave now if you can

Came home first and told he hes borrowing the van to move put on saturday, I was actually pleased, I assume he said that as a way of getting me to talk to him. Then he stated that he wants our son on weekends.

Be prepared for him to change his mind at the very last minute when he realises you actually want him to go.

What's the housing situation op? Do you rent?
Might be wise for you to look into moving out of there too.

If I were you, I’d agree to him having DS on weekends. He’s expecting a fight. The less resistance you put up, the less pleasure he’ll get out of it and he’ll give up.

Next he’ll start changing plans and not turning up to collect DS, just to fuck with any plans you may have made. This type always do.

He’ll be frustrating as fuck but if you can just be calm and accept that, as his dad, he has a right to see DS, and go along with some of his demands for a while, you’ll find that without conflict, he’ll stop pushing, and you’ll probably naturally arrive at the right split over time.