How do you know if you have an angry/moody man or if its abusive? What's the difference?

[Vi37]

That's just it really, been with my partner for 14 years and I'm questioning it. I've ignored things mostly but we now have a two year old and I'm getting tired of his moods.

OP, abusers all work to the same script. If they see you are serious about leaving, they switch to “fake nice” mode, to try and wheedle you to stay. This will include trying to minimise past abuse, gaslighting you into thinking you were overreacting, and suddenly becoming more helpful in the house and temporarily concealing their anger and contempt.
Please don’t fall for this, unless you want another 14 years of walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst of rage. Can you imagine your retirement with this charmer, when your child has grown up and left home? Can you imagine what a shit abusive partner your son will be to his future wife, with his dad as a role model?
Talk to your parents, talk to a solicitor, talk to Women’s Aid. Let the sunlight in on this secret misery and get support to leave. You have one life - do you really want it all to be miserable?

The only reason you need to leave is because you want to. That's it.

I'm in a bit of a mess

Of course you are, op. But you need to remember that you are in a mess because he has put you there.

Can you speak to women's aid again?

I’m a man, yet I never cease to be amazed at how many women, some in my own family, tolerate and stay with men who behave like this. It’s controlling in that your day is dictated by his mood, and It’s abusive. Whether you make the decision to leave today, tomorrow, next month, next year or next decade, you will be forced to leave eventually. I guess the only questions then are - how much psychological damage has been done to your child, and has it gone on too long for you to now find someone who loves and respects you and fulfils your dreams.
Read him the riot act and tell him things have got to change because you can’t carry on like this - and don’t believe ANY words he utters PE promises he makes, only action count from now on!

Currently sat in my car, son asleep in the back, with two bags in the boot not knowing whether to go back home or go. I dont want to make a massive mistake.

Why not go for a couple of weeks and see how you feel.

Taking some space to think and breathe isn't going to be a massive mistake.

If he is a twat about it then you know you are right to be gone. If he is not a bully then he won't mind you having some space.

Taking some space to think and breathe isn't going to be a massive mistake.

If he is a twat about it then you know you are right to be gone. If he is not a bully then he won't mind you having some space.

Yes, this!

Just been to my mum and dads and told them. It's quite a relief to tell them actually. My mum said she doesnt know what to tell me to do and have I actually told him how unhappy I am so I said no. Still no idea what to do. I've come home to make my son his tea.

Well done for talking to someone. That will have taken a lot.

Be prepared for people to try to minimise what you're dealing with / feeling. Generally people want bad things to go away and want to be able to play happy families so if your parents don't react in the way you were hoping don't worry.

Remember you don't need anyone's permission to leave a situation that makes you miserable.

You dont need to tell someone that treats you like shit that you feel bad because they are treating you like shit. I mean...no shit sherlock lol.

Good on you for telling your parents. But don't be talked into giving more chances. Unfortunately sometimes when we tell others about what is going on, they try to approach things along the lines of 'maybe there is misunderstading' because no one wants to think the worst of others straight off the bat.

But you know best that his behaviour isn't on. You can make whatever decision you want because it's your right to choose to leave a situation that is making you unhappy. Even if there wasnt abuse, you should not stay in an unhappy home. Or keep your child in one.

Hi OP,
It's clear from your posts just how torn you are. I feel for you. I think it must be really hard to decide what to do in this kind of situation, because you know his behaviour isn't right, but you also love him, and it's such a huge thing to end the relationship that you want to be completely sure.
Your mum's reaction suggests that she's not the best person to talk to about this. Is there anyone else you can talk to, like a close friend maybe?
You might also find it helpful to do some reading, here are some links:

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

The abuser profiles are from Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?". He also wrote a book called "should I stay or should I go?"

Reading some or all of those and talking to someone supportive in real life will help you to think more clearly, I'm sure.

You don't have to end it just yet if you don't feel ready. You can take some time to feel more sure and strong. Just don't leave it too long.

Thank you. I just got home and he hadn't come home from work yet. I thought he might have gone to his dads or his sisters and I actually felt relieved. And then his car pulled up.... hes asked me if we can talk tonight as we disnt get chance last night. I dont know what to say to him. I dont want to split our family up but I cant be with him can i. I know not everyones relationship is like my mum and dads but I went round there earlier and its lovely to see, they've been married 40 years, they bicker, my mum tells my dad off for things, my dad just says oh no I'm in trouble again and sniggers into his hand, then the next minute they're laughing with each other.

You dont owe him a chat. He'll just use it as an opportunity to further mess up your head and beat you down.

Well he talked. He doesnt want to split up. Which I knew he was going to say. He thought last week when he called me a 'miserable c**t' was a normal part of banter in a relationship, it was just meant to be a joke. Hes had a crap few years with his mum dying, and a few crap jobs. Seems he finds that a valid excuse to lose his rag and reiterated how hard he has tried to help himself, which he hasn't, hes on antidepressants and that's it, he was offered an anger course but it was too far away for him to go. He asked me if I wanted him to move out. He asked what I wanted and I said I want someone who doesn't swear at me in front of our son. I've just come straight up to bed in my sons room. I can hear him on the phone downstairs, I assume hes talking to his sister who will probably be taking his side.

I also told him my heart sank when I saw him pull up outside the house.

OP, you know that with a man like this no matter what the situation, weather, happenings in his life he will always have an excuse for poor behaviour. Whether his mum died or not, whether he's had a difficult couple of years it makes no difference. he won't change. Expecting him to is a recipe for disaster. I've been there, done that with my ex.... you can't bargain with him. It won't get any better! Do you love him? Really love him? fancy him? feel cared for by him?

Truely no. He asked me if I wanted him to leave and I wanted to say yes but the words wouldn't come out.

I want to leave but keep thinking he'll change as he matures.

Well, he's an adult, so mature already.

What you see is what you get.

Thing is, do you want to live your life like this and have your child have this as his role model?

I am a SP. It's bliss compared to the alternative - an angry, moody fuckwit in the house.

Sounds like a difficult conversation, OP
You're almost there but not quite and that's ok.
Be kind to yourself.

you're getting there OP - you just need to get over the next hurdle. Make a plan for what you will do and how you will celebrate when he's gone - it will make getting rid of him easier! list all the fun things you can do, buy yourself a bottle of wine in readiness. It might give you the oomph to get over the next small hurdle of telling him...

It’s all part of the script such men use to keep their target ie you here in this case in line. Of course he does not want to split up, this is because he would then have to put work into finding another target to love bomb and otherwise manipulate and control. All that takes work and he does not want to do that. Am sorry to read that you did not get the support needed from your parents, particularly your mother. Family and friends can be over invested and that is not helpful to you.

Keep writing here, you need a safe outlet as much as anything else

Can you contact women’s aid
Many boots chemists now have a consultation room in which help From domestic violence organisations can be accessed