What would you make of this?! It is even a red flag?

[User13794]

Could do with some outside perspectives as I fear my heart is ruling my head and I’m not seeing clearly!

I was in a relationship for 3 years that ended just over a year ago. I ended it because I was moving temporarily for work and it was too far to sustain it and it was something I felt was right at the time and I am glad I did it. He was devastated when it ended and it was very difficult and sad but ultimately for the best in the circumstances. I was VERY happy with him though so it was hard to do and we stayed in touch now and then. Fast forward to this April and he invites me over for a catch up now I am back from working abroad. We have an amazing afternoon, he tells me he was seeing someone on and off from Ireland but is currently single. I tell him I’m single too, we talk about random things, meet up again a few more times, kiss, have phone calls, text etc. It feels like we are slipping into a relationship again. He’s saying all sorts of lovely things, it’s great seeing him and we are as close as we were before and I felt I was falling back in love with him.

Then he suddenly disappears off the radar. I left it a couple of weeks then felt genuine concern and called/text. He eventually replied like he was a different person...saying lots of cryptic stuff like he wasn’t sure about us, he was still angry about the fact I left him and it hurt him badly, he was confused, I was messing with his head, things had changed for him a lot in the last year etc etc. I was confused by all of this and told him so and he started to get cross saying we could have been amazing and I ruined it, now I want to click my fingers and be back in a relationship... he put his heart on the line and I trampled on it and didn’t care about things by just ending it. Etc etc. So we stop talking.

I have since found out that in May, a month after we started seeing each other again, his ‘on off girlfriend’ from Ireland is having a baby in July. When I found out I asked him why he hadn’t told me. He said he only found out a month ago - but on my calculations there was an overlap and he certainly knew at least half the time we were seeing each other and didn’t tell me. When he disappeared it turned out he had actually gone to Ireland but even since that date he had been messaging me while he was there, I just didn’t know he wasn’t in England as he hadn’t told me.

When I asked why he didn’t tell me immediately when he found out, he says it was none of my business and why should he tell me about his life when I’m not part of it. He seemed to almost blame me for now wanting to be with him when he’s in this situation that he wouldn’t have been in had we stayed together!!!

I guess maybe he has a right to be angry but also he shouldn’t have been meeting me and being intimate etc without telling me this information surely? Or am I being unfair?

When the angry messages stopped, he sort of broke down and just said the last few weeks had been terrible and he was very worried about everything. This has made me feel so protective of him...he always wanted the marriage, family, house, in a very prescriptive way and so I know how much this will be affecting him and causing him panic. It is the worst scenario for him. He met her in September last year so hasn’t even known her a year and I can’t see her moving here after she apparently didn’t tell him about the pregnancy until a few weeks ago.

He’s said he would like to chat soon and that he has found things really hard and that he is sorry he snapped at me and that he would never want to fall out, he still cares. Am I being a pushover for entertaining even this? I still care for him a lot and part of me wonders if I could even move past this and still be with him in the future...we haven’t talked about us at all since he has admitted to what has gone on but it is clear he is not in a relationship with this person so I do know that for sure.

Am I being an idiot for even considering this? I’m known to be very forgiving in relationships and letting things slide that people would see as red flags, but maybe this isn’t a red flag it’s just real life and stuff happens?

@ChristmasFluff

You can really tell this is women when they say things like 'if you really loved him you would have found a way to stay'. It is a perfectly healthy thing to NOT revolve your life around love. Men do it all the time. When I was a codependent love addict, I didn't get it either, never could understand why someone would 'give up love' for their career - but now I see it. Love sometimes happens at the wrong time, and well done, OP, for taking the decision you did.

This man will never forgive you though. In his mind, you 'owe him', and so he feels justified in treating you shabbiliy - and he always will.

The rest is only various fluffs and sparkles to try to explain himself, and you are only entertaining the excuses because you want him to love you like you still love him.

I agree with this poster , all the PPs that are saying that she basically doesn't deserve to have feelings about this man because she broke up with him previously .. you do all know this is a relationships board don't you? And we are allowed to have feelings about a relationship?

I just don’t get how someone can not tell a person they are pregnant until the last minute. It doesn’t make sense and I am certain he didn’t know until recently. There’s just no way he would have met me like that if he had known especially given he went off the radar when he did find out and then became angry and aggressive with me. So that makes me think she’s not done right by him and i can’t help but think that.

What a mind fuck it has been though! He was always adamant he would never ever want a child outside of a solid relationship. It was one of the things he used to talk about regularly when we were together as his brother has a child from a broken relationship and he always said it was his nightmare situation.

Well you’ve come up with two possible reasons why she didn’t tell him right here:-

1. Maybe he was angry and aggressive with her. And she didn’t want that for her baby.
2. Maybe he told her about having a baby outside of a relationship was his worst nightmare so she decided it would be better not to put him through that and has now changed his mind.

The fact that she was still in a relationship with him until January (when she was three months pregnant) means either she found out very late herself (at 41 you might think stopped periods are the menopause) or she had good reason not to tell him eg she was frightened of him or thought he would try and push her into an abortion.

Whatever the answer - I don’t think she has treated him particularly terribly. She has just tried to do what is best for her and her baby.

OP you don't really love him do you?
If you really did you wouldn't have broken up with him when you moved for work especially as it was a temporary move.
(my son and DIL maintained a transatlantic relationship for many years prior to their marriage)
He was, I feel, the comfortable option for you, his life has now become complicated and you are not helping as he clearly has deep feelings for you.
Do him a favour and let him go.

The fact is you cannot , not in a hundred years, come to any conclusions about why she didn't tell him about the pregnancy.... I'm on the Mirena coil and I don't have periods but there is still a chance of pregnancy ( very very small chance of a healthy pregnancy but we are making up possible scenarios here). If I got pregnant I wouldn't know for months . Then she might have been going through the process of deciding whether to keep the baby... Maybe it's a shock to her , the father lives in a different country.

So that option number three of dozens of possible reasons.

Either way , this woman has done nothing to you and your bf hasn't critisised her , so there's no reason to think badly of her.

I think this is all deflection to the real issue and that is that you are very , very sad it ended like this.

And it is very sad , but it has ended , at least for now.

I'm sorry.

Anyone, man or woman who really loves someone wouldn't break up with them because of being temporarily relocated. Maybe there are some feelings but not enough.

@ChristmasFluff

You can really tell this is women when they say things like 'if you really loved him you would have found a way to stay'. It is a perfectly healthy thing to NOT revolve your life around love. Men do it all the time. When I was a codependent love addict, I didn't get it either, never could understand why someone would 'give up love' for their career - but now I see it. Love sometimes happens at the wrong time, and well done, OP, for taking the decision you did.

This man will never forgive you though. In his mind, you 'owe him', and so he feels justified in treating you shabbiliy - and he always will.

The rest is only various fluffs and sparkles to try to explain himself, and you are only entertaining the excuses because you want him to love you like you still love him.

I don't see it as choosing one or the other.

According to OP's post she wanted to work away. Good for her.

OP chose to break up with EXBF for what she says were valid reasons. Good for her, and it is healthy to end a relationship that is not working for you. And that's my take away of why she says she broke off the relationship.

It doesn't sound like it was an either or situation, she and the ex could have continued the relationship, a lot of couples do and she was only away for three years, and with face time, mobile phones, email and the ability to travel relationship's in which one is happy one would continue regardless of whether it was a man or a woman going away to work.

I'd say the same if OP was a bloke, the relationship wasn't working and so OP broke it off before going off to work. She made that choice and it was the right one.

What is not right is to try and pick up a relationship that she had broken off when the bloke has moved on (but he sounds willing to be persuaded to have an affair, shocker), and will soon have a child.

The whys and wherefores with regards the girlfriends motivation behind her alleged actions is none of OP's business.

Sounds also to me a little like, OP is missing the life bit that she had before going away and wants to regain that.

Move onwards and upwards.

I didn’t try and pick up a relationship when he had moved on! We both were spending time together and it was nice. Neither of us (as far as I am aware) knew this was happening in Ireland.

I have known him since age 8 and I feel sad for him that he is dealing with this so far from family and that it was never what he wanted in life. I know he will get on with it and he’s stuck in this situation now so will have to deal with it but it’s still sad for him that he’s had this shock and now his life has been turned upside down. I know that he hasn’t behaved brilliantly with me by still seeing me after he had found out but I can’t help but feel sorry he is going through such a hard time. It will really worry him how this is going to work and it is never what he wanted in life.

Ok but it's happening to you, not him.

You are an extra complication.

When it comes to his current situation, it's not about you.

It's about a baby, a women having a baby and a man having a baby.

You have to stop giving so much headspace to something that is absolutely not your business now.

No amount of ruminating over when she told him will change anything other than him having lied about it.

You really need to focus on filling your life with other stuff that will show you how disproportionate your attention on this subject is.

I would message him to say you don't want to be involved in such a complicated situation and you think it's best you cease contact so he can focus on fatherhood.

Then I would block him and do some work on why I let this all get so dramatic in my mind rather than having appropriate boundaries, expectations and following through on making healthy decisions.

As I’ve said many times I am not contacting him and it’s only recently happened. I’ve hardly spent weeks analysing it.

It’s not as simple as ‘move on’ and if it was then there probably wouldn’t even be a relationship board. I get it is complicated, I don’t want to be involved, but it is still hard to understand and yes I want to understand because it has been a shock to me too. This is someone I have known all my life and cared for as a friend long before this

I don’t think he had ever lied to me before and it’s come as a shock. I only found out a few days ago.