What would you make of this?! It is even a red flag?

[User13794]

Could do with some outside perspectives as I fear my heart is ruling my head and I’m not seeing clearly!

I was in a relationship for 3 years that ended just over a year ago. I ended it because I was moving temporarily for work and it was too far to sustain it and it was something I felt was right at the time and I am glad I did it. He was devastated when it ended and it was very difficult and sad but ultimately for the best in the circumstances. I was VERY happy with him though so it was hard to do and we stayed in touch now and then. Fast forward to this April and he invites me over for a catch up now I am back from working abroad. We have an amazing afternoon, he tells me he was seeing someone on and off from Ireland but is currently single. I tell him I’m single too, we talk about random things, meet up again a few more times, kiss, have phone calls, text etc. It feels like we are slipping into a relationship again. He’s saying all sorts of lovely things, it’s great seeing him and we are as close as we were before and I felt I was falling back in love with him.

Then he suddenly disappears off the radar. I left it a couple of weeks then felt genuine concern and called/text. He eventually replied like he was a different person...saying lots of cryptic stuff like he wasn’t sure about us, he was still angry about the fact I left him and it hurt him badly, he was confused, I was messing with his head, things had changed for him a lot in the last year etc etc. I was confused by all of this and told him so and he started to get cross saying we could have been amazing and I ruined it, now I want to click my fingers and be back in a relationship... he put his heart on the line and I trampled on it and didn’t care about things by just ending it. Etc etc. So we stop talking.

I have since found out that in May, a month after we started seeing each other again, his ‘on off girlfriend’ from Ireland is having a baby in July. When I found out I asked him why he hadn’t told me. He said he only found out a month ago - but on my calculations there was an overlap and he certainly knew at least half the time we were seeing each other and didn’t tell me. When he disappeared it turned out he had actually gone to Ireland but even since that date he had been messaging me while he was there, I just didn’t know he wasn’t in England as he hadn’t told me.

When I asked why he didn’t tell me immediately when he found out, he says it was none of my business and why should he tell me about his life when I’m not part of it. He seemed to almost blame me for now wanting to be with him when he’s in this situation that he wouldn’t have been in had we stayed together!!!

I guess maybe he has a right to be angry but also he shouldn’t have been meeting me and being intimate etc without telling me this information surely? Or am I being unfair?

When the angry messages stopped, he sort of broke down and just said the last few weeks had been terrible and he was very worried about everything. This has made me feel so protective of him...he always wanted the marriage, family, house, in a very prescriptive way and so I know how much this will be affecting him and causing him panic. It is the worst scenario for him. He met her in September last year so hasn’t even known her a year and I can’t see her moving here after she apparently didn’t tell him about the pregnancy until a few weeks ago.

He’s said he would like to chat soon and that he has found things really hard and that he is sorry he snapped at me and that he would never want to fall out, he still cares. Am I being a pushover for entertaining even this? I still care for him a lot and part of me wonders if I could even move past this and still be with him in the future...we haven’t talked about us at all since he has admitted to what has gone on but it is clear he is not in a relationship with this person so I do know that for sure.

Am I being an idiot for even considering this? I’m known to be very forgiving in relationships and letting things slide that people would see as red flags, but maybe this isn’t a red flag it’s just real life and stuff happens?

I feel bad for him

He doesn’t know this woman and so it must be a shock for him and I feel for him because of that

He clearly felt he knew her well enough to spunk up her without a condom.

What was his confusion about the possibility of that resulting in pregnancy?

Stop degrading their relationship a d her pregnancy; it's very disrespectful to her and their baby to be. You don't know what the true status of their relationship is, only what he's told you .. and he hasn't exactly been open and honest, had he.

I don't agree with the poster who said he would have chosen you if she hadn't fallen pregnant either ..
You have no idea what he's have done.

You've dumped him and created a lot of resentment etc. - she hasn't.

Maybe he'd have messed you around but ultimately gone for the person whom he doesn't have a failed relationship history with/been dumped by etc.

She's 6 years older than him...is it her first child? She may well have planned it...clock ticking and her last chance etc. It wouldn't be the first time. Sounds like she got pregnant straight away.

Then why tell him 2 months before the due date. He'd be wise to get a DNA test when the baby is born.

Anyway....it's a lot of hassle you don't need.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be between the two of you if he couldn't handle you working away for a few months.

Him being so needy can be draining.

You need to do the right thing and go no contact, because he clearly doesn't have the wherewithal/integrity to do the right thing.

Stop giving him free pass because you dumped him, hurt him etc.

You're getting into s really fucked up situation here and you need to get out of it.

They're parents to be, and need left alone to sort themselves out, this is not going to go well for you if you let him pull you in as s third party/sort of other woman.

Of they absolutely don't want to be together, quite sometime after the baby's birth, and solidly for quite a while .. you could entertain him .. but not now.

And he won't be the same, he'll be a dad and you'd have to be a step mother if you got into.s serious relationship with him.

This is messy as fk and you'd be very wise to get out and stay out, concentrate on meeting someone who its not messy like this with.

Also harsh but - I don't think you'd have chosen the work abroad over him if you really thought he was it. You would have prioritised your relationship with him.

I just don’t get how someone can not tell a person they are pregnant until the last minute. It doesn’t make sense and I am certain he didn’t know until recently. There’s just no way he would have met me like that if he had known especially given he went off the radar when he did find out and then became angry and aggressive with me. So that makes me think she’s not done right by him and i can’t help but think that.

As I said it really does sound like you get a kick out of being involved in drama.

If you didn't then you'd have disengaged by now, it's a ridiculous situation and totally unnecessary for you to be involved at all.

Commenting on her pregnancy and her behaviour in the relationship with him is uncalled for and also immature considering you surely realise as an adult that you only have his side of the story.

So you're going to keep talking to him then? Seems so.

He's punishing you for when you split with him, it's a game plan and it worked op

Walk away he's history leave him there

It’s not about keeping talking to him, I am just trying to process it all. It still doesn’t make sense why she would tell him so late in the day. And obviously that makes me question everything since we were in touch. It’s not about loving the drama I just want to understand

As someone who got pregnant unexpectedly after seeing someone for 6 months and later found out that the ex girlfriend remained on the scene while I was pregnant. I can tell you this.

He lied to her about my due date because he was still sniffing around her when unbeknownst to me when we were seeing eachother.

He lied to her about how long we had seen eachother and what we were to eachother. Instead of saying oh I have been seeing this women for 6 months and told her I loved her etc. He told her we slept together once

He also lied to her that we weren't continuing to see each other while I was pregnant and after the baby was born.

I was told she was just being a good friend to him while he was trying to get his head around the surprise pregnancy,

I gave birth to my DS, hoping that we would be a family. His ex girlfriend is still sniffing around, we aren't together and I will always resent both of them because of how they treated me while I was pregnant.

Honestly he sounds like an asshole, who is stringing you along and you are very happy to pin any fault, blame or I'll treatment on this women.

As the women from Ireland I can tell you, you are being taken for a mug and so is she.

You couldn't make a go of it before you dumped him and he got someone else pregnant.
It's very unlikely to work after those things have happened.
Sorry don't mean to be harsh but that's how I see it.

Why are you hung up on her reasons for telling him / not telling him about the pregnancy?

Seriously, think about that.

Why are her motivations for the way she has behaved any of your concern? It's literally nothing to do with you.

You're focusing on her to a really strange extent.

Her behaviour is irrelevant. Your behaviour and this man's behaviour is unhealthy, isn't making either of you happy and is making everyone's lives more complicated.

Move on!

Agree with the above post. It's just not your business. He found out and sounds like he's taking his time to process it away from you. Which is completely fair. It's between him and the pregnant woman.

And you weren't back together, so he owes you nothing!

I very much doubt you will ever know why she left it until the last minute to tell him so you need to let it go.

I would let it all go if I were you. Things happen for a reason. Highly unlikely you are destined to be together forever based on what you've said here. I could be wrong. I think you know in your heart that it's probably not meant to be.

OP, you really sound like you only want your ex back because he’s moved on and is with someone else. So now you want him to pick you over the woman he is having a child with.

You sound overly invested in the new girlfriend.

Fact of the matter is, you have no idea honestly how long and how serious your ex and his girlfriend were. You have no idea really how long he’s known about the pregnancy.

You want the new girlfriend to be ‘crazy’ and all that shit. So you can justify to yourself being the OW.

He’s having a baby in a few weeks. Leave them alone to get to grips with their new family dynamics.

Also, you haven't once said that you were really upset when you found out there was this pregnant woman on the scene and there was every possibility that you would lose him.

If you'd decided second time around that he actually really was 'the one' then you would be distraught.

I just don’t get how someone can not tell a person they are pregnant until the last minute. It doesn’t make sense

If she truly didn't .. it was possibly because she was extremely indecisive/York over whether to continue the pregnancy (and telling him would e made the decision more complicated because then two people were involved, and he would know if she eg ended the pregnancy) or even that she wasn't torn about continuing the pregnancy but undecided about telling him (at that time of at all - she'd know that if she told him he'd be involved and perhaps she was contemplating proceeding with the pregnancy etc as a single mum).

But that's all conjecture.

And I wouldn't be convinced he's told you the truth about anything. He was clearly playing a double game and lying by omission about being with her etc.

*torn, not York

Sounds like he strung you along to give you a taste of your own medicine.

Move on OP, you are wasting your time and energy on this one.

You want the new girlfriend to be ‘crazy’ and all that shit. So you can justify to yourself being the OW.

Yup.

He may have considered getting back together with you but he's been too foolish and irresponsible to ensure he didn't impregnate a partner so he's now in this position, and you should stay well clear. Looks like they're going to try to make a gi if it as many many people feel they should when a baby is involved .. and it will take potentially years for that to pan out to it's conclusion (even if that is separation & co-parenting, it could equally he a second child etc).

I'd be very wary of thinking that, if this hadn't happened, you two would have gotten back together and it would all have been risy and gone beautifully .. it's equally possible he couldn't have gotten over his resentment etc at you dumping him and it would've gone down the pan. I've not seen many second "go's" at relationships with out.

*rosy

It’s not about keeping talking to him, I am just trying to process it all. It still doesn’t make sense why she would tell him so late in the day. And obviously that makes me question everything since we were in touch. It’s not about loving the drama I just want to understand

Why? Just keep your dignity and move on.

You both are stuck in the past which which is problematic because your current interaction is in the present. Victim entitlement is responsible for his behaviour and guilt is making you make excuses for it.

He’s either still bitter as to what happened in the past or he is using it to excuse shitty behaviour. Either way, this man isn’t your bf of the past, this iteration, is not taking responsibility for his behaviour and has no problem in gaslighting you.

Let him go.

I don’t know what gaslighting is?

I am going to let it go but when you have shared your life with someone and rekindled it then it is obviously difficult. I want to know why she waited to the last minute to tell him so that I can understand how long he was lying to me for. It is not so much about her as it is about how it fits with his interaction with me