What would you make of this?! It is even a red flag?

[User13794]

Could do with some outside perspectives as I fear my heart is ruling my head and I’m not seeing clearly!

I was in a relationship for 3 years that ended just over a year ago. I ended it because I was moving temporarily for work and it was too far to sustain it and it was something I felt was right at the time and I am glad I did it. He was devastated when it ended and it was very difficult and sad but ultimately for the best in the circumstances. I was VERY happy with him though so it was hard to do and we stayed in touch now and then. Fast forward to this April and he invites me over for a catch up now I am back from working abroad. We have an amazing afternoon, he tells me he was seeing someone on and off from Ireland but is currently single. I tell him I’m single too, we talk about random things, meet up again a few more times, kiss, have phone calls, text etc. It feels like we are slipping into a relationship again. He’s saying all sorts of lovely things, it’s great seeing him and we are as close as we were before and I felt I was falling back in love with him.

Then he suddenly disappears off the radar. I left it a couple of weeks then felt genuine concern and called/text. He eventually replied like he was a different person...saying lots of cryptic stuff like he wasn’t sure about us, he was still angry about the fact I left him and it hurt him badly, he was confused, I was messing with his head, things had changed for him a lot in the last year etc etc. I was confused by all of this and told him so and he started to get cross saying we could have been amazing and I ruined it, now I want to click my fingers and be back in a relationship... he put his heart on the line and I trampled on it and didn’t care about things by just ending it. Etc etc. So we stop talking.

I have since found out that in May, a month after we started seeing each other again, his ‘on off girlfriend’ from Ireland is having a baby in July. When I found out I asked him why he hadn’t told me. He said he only found out a month ago - but on my calculations there was an overlap and he certainly knew at least half the time we were seeing each other and didn’t tell me. When he disappeared it turned out he had actually gone to Ireland but even since that date he had been messaging me while he was there, I just didn’t know he wasn’t in England as he hadn’t told me.

When I asked why he didn’t tell me immediately when he found out, he says it was none of my business and why should he tell me about his life when I’m not part of it. He seemed to almost blame me for now wanting to be with him when he’s in this situation that he wouldn’t have been in had we stayed together!!!

I guess maybe he has a right to be angry but also he shouldn’t have been meeting me and being intimate etc without telling me this information surely? Or am I being unfair?

When the angry messages stopped, he sort of broke down and just said the last few weeks had been terrible and he was very worried about everything. This has made me feel so protective of him...he always wanted the marriage, family, house, in a very prescriptive way and so I know how much this will be affecting him and causing him panic. It is the worst scenario for him. He met her in September last year so hasn’t even known her a year and I can’t see her moving here after she apparently didn’t tell him about the pregnancy until a few weeks ago.

He’s said he would like to chat soon and that he has found things really hard and that he is sorry he snapped at me and that he would never want to fall out, he still cares. Am I being a pushover for entertaining even this? I still care for him a lot and part of me wonders if I could even move past this and still be with him in the future...we haven’t talked about us at all since he has admitted to what has gone on but it is clear he is not in a relationship with this person so I do know that for sure.

Am I being an idiot for even considering this? I’m known to be very forgiving in relationships and letting things slide that people would see as red flags, but maybe this isn’t a red flag it’s just real life and stuff happens?

I do try and be empathetic as far as I can. I’ve just felt shaken by all of this and like I’ve been played a bit.

I can’t get my head round the fact that someone would hide a pregnancy for so long but then I suppose they’ve not even known each other a year yet

Putting aside the awful idea of giving this relationship another go.

He has now shown you that at any signs of stress he will fling the fact that you ended the original relationship in your face every single time you question him on anything or have a disagreement. You ruined everything. You made all of this happen. Your Fault. Can you live with that?

You certainly didn't make him have unprotected sex with a woman and get her pregnant.

You feeling protective of him is one step away from feeling sorry for him. Not a great basis for any relationship.

sorry that should read he got drunk and nasty one night!

That's because you have been played OP, and he is full of shit and dishonest.

I doubt he ever was single. I highly doubt the woman he is blatantly dating regards that she is, while she and he have been regularly seeing one another, having unprotected sex, sustaining a long distance relationship that he is so into he is travelling for it at expense and she is expecting his baby.More likely his stress and the ghosting are because he felt guilty he is kissing you when he has someone else he is seeing a lot more seriously than he is letting on. What a catch he is

Further to that he sounds pathetic and petty and as though he has red flags for days. You didn't want to be with him when you moved, both of you could have done long distance (like he does with her) but clearly it wasn't right so you were right to end it. He moved on, and now closely has two options on a plate and wants to have his cake and eat it but will reflect all the guilt onto you, whilst being dishonest.

I would not touch him with a barge pole OP and I don't know why you're so committed to defending him. He spent the day fake dating you when he was seeing someone, kissed you, and then went back to her and completely ignited you. He isn't the victim of anything at all and doesn't sound like he cares about you or the mother of his child really. He is an adult and the attitude you have towards him of mothering away any potential hurt for him as though he should never have to feel any is only going to wind up getting you hurt if you pursue it, because he will continue to take advantage.

Ask the mother of his child for a timeline. I wonder what she would think of him meeting up with ex's and snogging them.

I get what you’re saying dontgo the only thing I know with almost certainty is that he didn’t know about this until recently. That I am almost certain of. The things he was talking about and how chilled he was, he wasn’t at all flustered or confused then suddenly out of nowhere he was panic stricken and out of touch.

I think on some level also I feel like this women hasn’t treated him well if she has told him last minute about this. I feel bad for him about that and I know that I shouldn’t but I do.

It is problematic that you both seem to see the pregnant Irish woman as a sort of vague troublesome idea, than an actual person who is going to give birth to the child he helped create.

He needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for his actions, and for sanity’s sake you would do better staying far away from him. Maybe get counselling to help you find out why you think he needs you to rescue him (are you a fixer/enabler?).

He’s not the man for you!

I’m an expert on everything, obviously 🤓.

He hasn't been treated well?

He was cheating on this "on off girlfriend" with you, but you're sorry for him.

Stop looking at what this man is saying . Look only at what he is doing and how he is treating you.

He is a 35 year old victim, he's going to say whatever he needs to say to maintain his victimhood.

I desperately want to say he's lying to you!!! He's lying to her!!! He's blaming you for his predicament, you think he isn't blaming her too? That might be why she didn't tell him ( obviously I have no basis for this being true, just there are so many ways to read this situation )

Think about what you know to be true , and how he has treated and spoken to you . That's the only things you can base your decision on.

I might be projecting but I've read a hundred posts and most of them I don't react to... This one, I don't like him. I just don't .

I don’t think he was cheating though, they weren’t in a relationship and she only just told him about this. He wasn’t honest with me when he didn’t tell me straight away about this when he found out and I expect he hasn’t told her he met me either. I don’t know really.

He was cheating on this "on off girlfriend" with you, but you're sorry for him.

I feel sorry for the on-off girlfriend. Usually one person in an on-off relationship thinks they are in an on-on relationship and in this case it's probably her.
He's been messing her about. Now she's pregnant and he's panicking.

I think on some level also I feel like this women hasn’t treated him well if she has told him last minute about this. I feel bad for him about that and I know that I shouldn’t but I do.
If she told him last minute. Who knows what went on.
In any case, you are definitely better off without him in your life.

You've only got his word for it.

Honestly I'd be nauseated at the thought of being two timed like that. I mean it is just grim no matter what words he uses to dress it up.

There are a lot more men out there OP, suggest dating a few

I think I feel protective because I know it was me who ended things, when we were happy. He was very very good to me, always checked I was home ok, always called when he said he would, wanted to make me happy.

Eh?! Those things you've listed as proof of how 'very very good' a boyfriend he was are literally the bare basics you should expect in a relationship. Raise the bar before dating again.

This woman's pregnancy is absolutely nothing to do with you. Have respect for her and her child by walking away from this situation.

Your dynamic with him is toxic. He's resentful of how it ended before and you seem to be blind to manipulation and toxicity.

If you were my mate I would be giving you some tough love and telling you to grow up, move on and stop talking to him completely.

And again, her pregnancy is none of your business and you are foolish to not acknowledge you only have his side of everything. You know he saw you when he knew she was pregnant and he didn't tell you.

He's no prize. He's not your friend. He's not your boyfriend. He's not your future.

And don't use being 'protective' as an excuse to keep talking to him and ruminating over everything. If you really wanted the best for him (despite him being a dick) then you'd walk away instead of making his life even more complicated by being an ex on the scene when he's navigating an already complicated relationship and fatherhood.

If I had met up with him and he’d known of it already and told me about it immediately then I would have walked away there and then.

It became complicated because we became quickly invested and then this happened. I do believe he only just found out about it but it is true that he still met with me after he knew and didn’t tell me which is shitty all round to everyone however you look at it.

Hopefully he stays in Ireland and doesn’t come back !

In all fairness, I don't think either of you are right for him. I would actually advise him to ditch the pair of you!

You gave up on the relationship first time around. One of the reasons being that he was too needy.

She got pregnant within a few weeks. That's a woman looking for a sperm donor.

What a mess.

I think that’s partly why he is so angry actually doora

End it completely.

Em... OP , you never lied, and you are allowed to split up with someone for any reason you want.

He knew all this is April when he was all "loves young dream"

Nothing had actually changed but his situation with impending fatherhood in May but suddenly you were to blame for everything by dumping him over a year before .

Or have I completely misunderstood?

I guess the reasons were he was quite intense about the relationship

You already knew, back then, that he was a red flag - way back then

You knew then

You know now

He's weird, unstable and a liar

You know all this but guilt is making you feel that you have to 'make up for' the pain you caused him

You don't have to make up for anything. Listen to your gut

You already know that you need to walk away

I'd run - very fast

Well he always said he was cautious of us starting again as he was so hurt last time but he made it clear he wanted to meet and invited me over, poured us wine, long chats on the phone etc then out of nowhere disappears and became aggressive and defensive when I asked why... then I found out about the child.

He said over and over that I had ruined things, it was my fault, we could have been happy etc etc. So it’s played with my mind a bit. I thought we were starting to see each other again then that happens.

People are being ridiculous.

You dumped him. You both got with other people. He was obviously careless but that's his only crime tbh.

I don’t think he was cheating though, they weren’t in a relationship and she only just told him about this.

Except you've told us they were "on off" and there was "overlap" .

I bet she has a very different view of what the relationship was and how "on off" it was.

I mean he said he was on off with someone from Ireland a while ago, last year. And the overlap I meant was overlap with him knowing about the child and still seeing me for a some of the time we met up.

Yes, it's a whopping red flag, you don't need to ask.

Why on earth would you want to give him the time when he has dicked you about and also effectively cheated on his pregnant girlfriend?

But if you want to make excuses for him and carry it on, then whats the point in asking for advice?

He's hardly been wasting away form a broken heart has he?

Leave him to get on with his life. I don't believe the guff about he had no idea he had a pregnant girlfriend in Ireland whilst he was dating you. It sounds more like he was getting his own back on you for dumping him previously. And no you are vainly scrabbling around trying to justify his shitty behaviour and shitty continued actions all because you broke his poor little heart three years ago.

How old is he that he's unaware that having unprotected sex may lead to pregnancy? Also you only have his word about not knowing about the pregnancy. He hasn't really been terribly honest with you at all.

Why are you so quick to self flagellate and cling on to this dire excuse of a man, in July this peach will have a newborn baby, that's not very many weeks away.

There's now going to be a poor tiny baby in this horrible mess.

Wave this man goodbye, and dust yourself off. You're worth so much more than to be forever grovelling over a fairly reasonable decision you made years ago.