Please help am drowning

[Whatonearth2020]

DH said at start of lockdown he wanted divorce after 15yrs. We have 3 DS. Have to tell them next week. I can’t function.

I'm so sorry, op. Be kind to yourself it's still very early days.

Why do you have to tell them? Will your dh be there when you tell them? You shouldn't have to do it alone. Do you have anyone in to you can talk to?

Thank you for your kindness. He’s moving out so they will have to be told. The plan is we tell them together but he keeps threatening to leave abruptly whenever I get upset so now I have to try to hold it together so that they can be told in the best possible way. My heart is breaking for my babies. They are at such sensitive ages. I can’t sleep for worry and have researched as much as I can but there obviously isn’t any way to lessen their pain. I never ever imagined I would be here. I thought he was the last person in the world that would hurt us. But he’s become a total stranger...

I am so sorry this is happening.
Please, please try your best to find and copy every single bit of legal and financial paperwork you can find. Payslips, P60s, tax records, mortgage, credit card statements, bank statements.
Do you have a joint account?
If he is behaving so badly now he is likely to be unreasonable over money.
Do you have an income?
You need legal advice asap.
How old are your DC?

Handhold OP. You must be heartbroken. He sounds like he feels he is holding all the cards, you would be a robot if you weren’t upset in the circumstances. Of course you don’t want your children upset. Your children will adjust. How old are they? Stay in the family home would be my advice. Is there another party involved, sounds as if there could be. Take each day as it comes. So sorry.

How old are they op?

They are 12,10 and 9. There was OW on a drunken night out - a member of his team - I found the messages between them - but he says he ‘can’t remember’ what happened and that there is no one now.

I am really sorry OP. I wouldn't believe him when he says there is no other woman. Men don't generally leave unless they have somewhere else to go. It sounds as if he has been planning this for a long time.

He says he was unhappy for ages ‘without knowing it’ - that he never wanted to get married, that he never loved me, that he didn’t want children, that he never wanted any of our homes...so basically all my happy memories are now ruined and turned into lies. I just can’t compute it. I felt so loved and cared for. All our friends and family can’t believe it - everyone thiught we were so well suited. How can he have been pretending for 15 years?

Whatonearth2020

Rip the plaster off and tell the kids ASAP so he can go instead of torturing you about it. The children will look towards you for guidance so you have to put a brave face on.

There are books you can download on how to tell your children you are separating so it’s done in a way that’s not going to scare them.

OP get angry. Good riddance to the twat. You deserve better. I’m just starting a fresh now at 41 with two kids under eight. If it’s done on the right way it doesn’t have to be catastrophic.

Oh you poor thing. He sounds awful.
Have you heard of "The script"?
There are lots of threads in this section that describe the same situation. There is a lot of good advice and support here.
Read some of the other threads.
Get legal advice urgently.
He has checked out and is taking advantage of your shock and distress.

@Whatonearth2020

He says he was unhappy for ages ‘without knowing it’ - that he never wanted to get married, that he never loved me, that he didn’t want children, that he never wanted any of our homes...so basically all my happy memories are now ruined and turned into lies. I just can’t compute it. I felt so loved and cared for. All our friends and family can’t believe it - everyone thiught we were so well suited. How can he have been pretending for 15 years?

He wasn't, but that's what he has to tell himself now to make it palatable.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Yep, he's following The Script. Justifying his leaving to himself. It's NOT TRUE. There'll be an OW.

That's awful. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. You will feel better than this one day I promise. I am on my own with 3 kids - ages 14, 13 and 6 and they are absolutely lovely and thriving and I am happy so please know that their dad doing this doesn't have to destroy them or you. There is going to be a lot of pain but they are fortunate to have you acting in their best interests. The fact that even though you feel so low and are thinking of them suggests that you are functioning as you and they need you to. But as pp say it's important to get all the paperwork stuff copied and kept safe. You will just need to take it one day at a time and keep doing the next right thing which sounds like what you are already doing. It's very early days and lockdown intensifies everything. Him rewriting history doesn't have to change what actually happened. He'll be doing his own shitty coping stuff to try and get rid of the guilt of his fucking atrocious behaviour but you will reach a point where his behaviour no longer has an impact on you but the only solution is time and walking through the fucking awful pain. The things I found helped me cope were good friends and family, being honest and feeling and going through the pain and time passing. Sorry you are having to deal with this, it's awful.

He’s telling himself this to justify smashing up your family. You need to realise that you cannot take on trust a single thing he says to you any more about anything. Starting with – there is almost certainly another woman. They may not publicly date until a certain amount of time has gone by so he can claim that there wasn’t. Maybe there isn’t but almost invariably is in this case no matter how much the partner denies it. They deny it because they are too much of a coward to face up to the fact that they have allowed romantic feelings for someone else to override all their duties to their family.

This is devastating for you and I think it would help if you took some of the power into your own hands and made some of the decisions. Your children will recover. You may even find – if he’s been a fairly passive father – that he parents better when he has to do some of his parenting alone. Or you may not. But either way they will be fine because I’m sure you are an amazing mother.

As PP have suggested – I would make him go now in your shoes. He is holding over you the threat of going every time you get upset – just make him go. Rid him of the illusion that he holds all the cards. If there is any financial information you need together while he is still there, on the basis he may take some documents with him, do that. Knowledge is Power information is power. He is no longer your friend. It makes me really mad at these men need to blame the partners for leaving – my dad had affairs and my parents marriage broke down but he never blamed my mum for that.

Do you have real life support? Tell some close friends and family what is happening. Explain exactly how he is behaving. You need this support. They will help you stay strong. I could be wrong but I do think the minute you take positive action, starting with kicking him out since he keeps threatening to leave anyway, you will start to feel better.

There will be another woman.
Most of them never leave unless they have a new shag to shack up with.

I agree - him holding you to ransom by threatening to leave to keep you in line is not on. Get paperwork sorted and tell him to go ASAP.

There may or may not be an OW; I don't think it's helpful to state so authoritatively that there IS one, nobody knows, not even the OP.

The issue is that her husband is behaving abominably, rubbishing his marriage and his family the sooner he's gone, the better.

Whatonearth2020, I agree with ShebaShimmyShake that your husband is lying to himself that he was unhappy - for 15 years? Not a chance. Nobody would allow themselves to stick around for 15 years, having children they didn't want, buying homes they didn't care for and generally wasting their lives drifting along. No. That wasn't what happened.

What's happened is that now he has decided he doesn't want it. He's backtracking to make the leaving sound reasonable. It's not, it's cruel. He could have just said to you that he wanted the marriage to end without dishing up this nasty spite on top. Take him at his word, stop talking to him about it, gather your paperwork and see a solicitor. Tell him nothing.

Stop doing his laundry and stop cooking for him. No need to discuss anything further - the solicitor can sort out the finances and, when he's decided that he does want to see his children, you can take it from there. Mediation can be helpful.

For now though, just take a breath. Do you have a friend or relative who can support you a bit whilst you start coming to terms with this?

You will get through this. So many of us have. He is obviously intent on making this a difficult split, so now you must view him as who he is, the enemy. Find your inner steel and be formidable. Don’t let him see any more tears - that is for private now. Let your children see a strong woman who they know will be brilliant.

This is a hard path but it is a path you can navigate. Hopefully one day he will be able to behave decently and you can co parent effectively.
Best of luck.

OP I am going to be harsh but you need to pull yourself together here for your kids. You need to fake it till you make it.
‘BE’ strong. Show your kids it’s fine. Dad still loves them but is not in love with you. And everyone deserves to live and be loved by their Partner. Everyone will be sad and that’s ok.
Be kind to yourself. It’s early days. If he has re written his past it’s because it makes him feel better about what he is now doing..
YOU can write your future. Post on here but don’t give him the power of knowing how you are now feeling he will use it against you. He is no longer your friend.

He says he was unhappy for ages ‘without knowing it’ - that he never wanted to get married, that he never loved me, that he didn’t want children, that he never wanted any of our homes..
He is following the cheaters script to the letter here.
Re-writing history etc....
Ignore all of his crap.
This man is not the man you fell in love with.
He IS cheating on you.

Tell him to pack up his shit today and to leave, after he tells the children.
Make sure you are there but this is ALL his doing, so he can tell them. Do not allow him to put any blame on you for this. This is his wandering cock and nothing to do with anything you have done!

Don't listen to any of his bullshit.
You do NOT have to hold it together!
Your life is literally falling down around your ears and he won't even let you have emotions about it.

He's a cunt - that is something you need to get to grips with quickly.
He is not your friend.
He has had this planned for a while and you are now on the back foot.

Get ahead of the game.
Contact Solicitors today - see if any offer a free half hour or a reduced rate first appointment.
Reach out to friends and family.
Do NOT keep his secret.
That is the very worst thing you can do for your own mental health.
TRUST ME on that!

Get love and support around you.
Get him gone today, you need some peace to get your head around this and you cannot do that while he is in your space!

Have a read of THE SCRIPT HERE
You will see he is already following every single step.
It will help you to see what is yet to come and believe me, it's not good.
Get educated!

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
So so (way too many) of us have been there so keep posting for advice.
((((HUGS))))

I’m so sorry. I agree there will be an OW. Your memories seem ruined but in reality, he most probably was quite content for the majority of your marriage. I understand that myself in hindsight. He is following the Script. It’s to make him feel better for the pain he’s causing you. If he can convince himself you are at fault and the marriage was miserable then he’ll find it easier to leave you.

Sadly, he may well be a wanker over the divorce and will see any maintenance as supporting you rather than his own children. Get a shit hot lawyer if you haven’t already. It’s hard to believe they can change themselves from loving and caring to cold and cruel so quickly but it’s self preservation for themselves. He is detaching his emotions from you.

I’m 9 years ahead of you. It was really tough for a year or so and I lost a lot of weight. (Silver lining!) Once the divorce finally came through I felt a lot happier. My kids coped a lot better than I thought they would. They all saw their dad EOW until they went to university, which helped them. Youngest is just turning 18, maintenance will stop next month but I’ve made a life for myself. You will too.

He says.....that he never wanted to get married, that he never loved me, that he didn’t want children, that he never wanted any of our homes...so basically all my happy memories are now ruined and turned into lies. I just can’t compute it. I felt so loved and cared for....How can he have been pretending for 15 years?

Please don’t take those words to heart. It’s what most of them say - a rewriting of the past. My ex did the same, including hurtful comments about a lovely family holiday we went on (he agreed it was nice but said it was ruined by me being there). He also insisted he hadn’t wanted any of our houses or any of the furniture (even though we choose them together).

It’s just crap they make up to make themselves feel better. Please ignore it. X

What hellsbellsmelons said, harsh but bang on...so sorry OP but self survival and your mental health is key here, kids are amazingly resilient and manage change much better than we expect....

God that’s brutal of him to say that to you about never loving you or wanting to get married. For me, that’s the worst bit. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

I agree with all the others, definitely an OW, he will hide it because he doesn't want it in the divorce petition.
Although divorce courts couldn't give a monkeys about who did what and it makes no difference to the settlement at all they really hate to be named as adulterers on the paperwork. They probably think you are going to show everyone and show him up to be the horrible person that he is.
I had to get antidepressants temporarily to get through this bit of my 20 year marriage or I would never have coped. I'm off then now and off my ex. My divorce made me feel suicidal. He swore blind there was nobody else but of course there was.
Don't be afraid if you need help, everyone needs help sometimes in their lives, see your GP if you need to.
He has a history of cheating and men like this never ever change.