Please help am drowning

[Whatonearth2020]

DH said at start of lockdown he wanted divorce after 15yrs. We have 3 DS. Have to tell them next week. I can’t function.

Oh no.
I really didn't mean to be harsh.
Unfortunately though, that is the reality, as many of us can contest to.

By the way do you work?

Im so sorry its horrible i know. Get telling the DCs over with and him gone. There will be an OW i’d bet anything on it. There always is... He hasnt been unhappy for years/wished he didnt marry etc its what they say to make themselves feel better. Get him gone. Get RL help from friends. Eat something and if you cant have ice cream or yogurt but look after yourself. The DCs will be fine kids so resilient and they have you. Get financials sorted. Find some self help books they are useful. Mumsnetters here for you

Best advice i was given when this exact scenario happened to me was “it’s time for you to get angry” He’s lied to you OP. He wasn’t unhappy for 15 years it’s just a line he’s spinning you to make you feel like you’re flawed when you aren’t! It’s to make himself feel better about what he’s doing to
You and his kids. He can’t remember having a one night stand? What an absolute crock of shit. Did he trip and fall into her? No. It was premeditated and vindictive and he knew exactly what he was and probably still is doing. And your allowing him to still be in your presence, let alone your house? And you’re not allowed to feel a type of way about it? Screw that.

Wow ladies I am so grateful for all your advice. Sorry to drip feed but basically what happened was I found the messages last September when his phone kept pinging after a night out. I called the slapper who told me they had grown close at work, that she had a ‘thing for authority’ - he was her boss and that she touched his arm - which almost made me laugh. I asked if they kissed she said yes. I asked if they had sex - she said no (it would have had to have been somewhere between the pub and the station). He says he can’t remember what happened after denying anything for ages. I was headtbroken but prepared to forgive as I loved him and our family. Then he started on the ‘i don’t know if I want this’. Changed phone settings, hid email accounts. Lots and lots of drunken nights out for months where he wouldn’t say who he was with or where he was / and I wasn’t allowed to ask as he ‘needed space and time’ to work out what he wanted. Then I love you but not in love with you. Still I carried on in such intense pain. Begged for counselling which we did and became an outlet for him to trash our marriage and pity himself (boarding school at 6, unemotional mother). Then he said there was something ‘chemical’ between us that meant it wouldn’t work. Then finally at start of lockdown when I couldn’t see anyone he dropped the final bombshell.

I used to have an amazing career but gave it up for the kids. I am now 45 with out of date skills in a low paid job. He is a massively high earner in media. I know I should get angry - I gave my whole self to the family and now essentially he’s throwing everything away to reboot his life (he’s 5 yrs younger).

We have had advice that it’s best to present this as a joint decision and not to mention anything he’s done to DCs. Although when he was out drinking they did ask if he was cheating / MLC. Is this right? I want to do my very best for then my but I don’t want them to resent me for something I just don’t understand.

Not sure if I'm right here, but surely it's better to tell the children the truth - that daddy has decided to move out. That he doesn't love Mummy anymore.
The kids will find out once the rumour mill gets going - their friends will repeat what they've heard from their parents. I would have thought it best to tell them so they find out from you - not from a friend.They certainly will resent you if this happens.

Sending positive vibes your way

I agree with @dpotter. You tell them the truth simply. They need to know the reason he’s leaving, doesn’t love Mummy. They don’t need to know any other details at present except that you both still love them and it is not their fault he is going. Children are not stupid, they will know you’re upset and it coincides with daddy leaving.

I agree, telling the children the truth is much better. They will work out the truth and recognise a lie either now or in retrospect. You will be better able to support them if you tell a kind version of the truth.

I would be very wary about being railroaded into making out it's a 'joint decision' thing. I'm not sure it benefits you or the children but it definitely benefits him.

So sorry this has happened to you. 💐💐💐

Firstly I'm sorry you are sad, make him tell them it's his doing.
Also I know it's hard,but eventually you will see you and your children are better off without him if he can be this cold. X

They are 12,10 and 9. There was OW on a drunken night out - a member of his team - I found the messages between them - but he says he ‘can’t remember’ what happened and that there is no one now.

I'm sorry for you but I don't believe him,
He is showing classic signs of a cheat and hasn't even got the guts to admit it.
When he is leaving be very happy and cheery even if you are not help him pack and wave him goodbye. Let him think you are happy he is going, even tell him it's for the best. Shock him play him at his own game. X

Intact pack his stuff and leave it for him when he gets back. X

Oh op he sounds utterly disgusting.
There probably is another woman, what a bitch to tell you she likes authority 😳
I know it's such a small consolation now but you will come out of this stronger .

I wouldn't take the advice to say it's a joint decision, it's not let them see him for what he really is he wants to leave they will find out eventually. You don't want them to think you lied and he is not worth covering up for. X

I'd bet there's another woman somewhere too.
You have to be strong for your boys. He's a high earner, he should do the right thing by them, but may need reminding of his obligations.
Go seek legal advice from a shit hot lawyer about what you may be entitled to and start rummaging around for financial information, now before it all gets hidden away (hopefully he hasn't already started). Get your ducks all lined up and then get him to leave the family home, this constant picking at a sore is not doing anyone any good at all.
It will get better.

We went with this line OP. Daddy just doesn't love mummy anymore bullshit (because I refused to accept any responsibility)
I was out with DD one day (she was 11) and she asked me what really happened.
I queried why she was asking and... in her words... Well he's cheating on you isn't he? It's hardly rocket science mum!!!
From an 11 YO.
They are NOT stupid, just remember that!

Tell your kids now. Take back some control.

She's not 'the slapper'. It's not her fault your husband is a faithless bastard, it's his. She might have known he was married, she might have pursued him, but he was the one who had a long-standing commitment to you which he chose not to honour. Be angry with him. She's done you a favour by showing him for the creature he is.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It was nearly 3 years ago I got the I love you but not in love with you speech. My world fell apart. He spent six months telling me he didn't know what he wanted (obviously ow on scene of course) before he left for good

Your kids will be fine. Mine adjusted quickly. It took me a long time to catch up.

He is no longer your friend. He will lie to make himself look and feel better about the situation. Time to cut him off.

Sit down together a tell the children this weekend. They are old enough to be grown up about it. Dad doesn't love mum anymore and sometimes things don't work out. He is moving out. Then he goes.

Pack what stuff you can and get his belongings out of your way move things around at home. Get new bedding and flowers. Just change things around a bit. It helps.

Gather good people around you. Family and friends. Seek support from your gp and counselling to get your thoughts out. I use to write draft e mails. But not send them. If you need to communicate. Don't respond right away. Write something and sit on it for an hour. Or over night. Don't communicate when you are feeling emotional.

Legal advice and CMS. Get your ducks in a row. Show him you are taking control of this situation now. And arrange contact. Obviously lock down is making things harder. But he can take the children every Sunday for example.

Look after yourself. Eat when you can And just get through each day how ever that looks. If it is tv and pasta so be it. This will pass and in time you feel feel less sad.

If it helps my ex at the beginning of lock down surfaces in a mess telling me the grass wasn't greener. It was just different grass. And he wished he tried harder. 🙄.

She is married to - and by her own admission came into him. It was her leaving do so I guess she felt she had nothing to lose. But yes absolutely he was guilty as sin especially as he was able to craft perfectly worded randy texts to her whilst simultaneously texting me that he was on his way home. He deleted his phone but they were on his watch..

Anyway the reason I’m putting up with this shit is two-fold: I don’t have cash for shit hot lawyer so am kind of dependent on his goodwill for a decent settlement. I am entirely dependent on this as I earn so little. One solicitor I spoke to put the fear of god into me as to how little he actually has to give us.

Regarding the chikdren I was advised not to say daddy doesn’t live mummy because they might then think he will stop loving them. And that it’s not healthy for them to drive a wedge / feel they have to take sides. Initially he said he would present it as his decision but now he’s back tracking. And the divorce coach we spoke to yesterday seemed to back him up. But I just don’t know how I’m going to hold it back from them. He knows I will do whatever is best for them regardless of cost to me and he’s taking advantage of that.

You're MARRIED. You have RIGHTS.

You're not dependent on his goodwill. Get legal advice asap.

Get independent legal advice, not a bloody divorce coach!

Hellsbells has been through this - and didn't follow the line of not telling her children that their dad no longer loved her - and they knew he was cheating.

You do not have to follow your husband's instructions at all. If his children think less of him well, sucks for him, doesn't it? Why should you pick up the mantle of decency when he flung his to the ground and stamped on it?

Have a chat with a few solicitors.
Some will accept payment upon settlement!
If he is a very high earner he will have a big pension too.
Do not accept anything he offers until you have some legal advice.
No solicitor should be putting the fear of god into you.
They should be fighting for you to get the best settlement you can.

I have spoken to 5 solicitors - same advice from all: he has to give x% of his salary for child maintenance (an unbelievably petty sum given his earnings. And then because of length of marriage some spousal until DC3 in secondary school in 2yrs. After that am expected to support myself.
We have to be housed but not in the large house we have now - apparently it’s based on need. Our pensions are not dissimilar right now - I paid a lot in when younger and he’s only just sitting his out although in a year or two it will be massive. But that doesn’t matter now. All advised me to leave the house now to get bulk of equity as when DS are grown it will have to be 50:50. I am struggling to see how this can be the situation and agree heartily with the lady who posted on another thread that you should never give up your financial independence. If I had the funds I would kick him out of our lives as much as possible- but for now as I see it he holds all the cards...

At that age they should be able to process it ok. I think you are right to keep it neutral - just that the marriage isn't working but you both still love them and that won't change. Kids are often worse off in a tense and acrimonious environment OP so you are doing them a favour really. You will both be happier and less stressed when you're apart and they will benefit from that. Don't worry - they'll get through it. Think of it as a benefit/a positive to them. They will probably have a better relationship with their father as a result too as he will spend more one-on-one time with them than he might as a live-in dad. x

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. I'm horrified at the 'advice' you've been given.

Can Women's Aid help?