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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First date.. catfish !

28 replies

Lucy8901 · 24/06/2020 00:45

So yesterday I was catfished for the first time in my life not sure how I feel about this wether to laugh or cry lol (im 30).. I had been taking to a guy from online for just over a week . I don’t usually meet this quick but I felt really good Vibes from him and thought why not..

We arranged a park date.. well I thought it was a park ! Turns out it was basically some kind of woods/ field with a path way and a few benches.

Anyways the guy turned up first of all he was late and I mean over an hour late.. why I didn’t cancel it then I have no idea but I thought he seemed really nice so I’d give it a try.. he was several stone over weight from the pics I’d seen.. he looked absoloutley nothing like his pics whatsoever I was actually shocked !! . they are clearly all old pictures..

It was all so creepy he insisted on going to this ‘park’ which was in the middle of fukin nowhere ! Even though I suggested other parks he said this one was really nice.. there wasn’t anything remotely nice about it. God don’t even know why I’m posting tbh just wanted to get off my chest as I’m bloody shocked.

He also looked like a complete tramp and I mean he had made zero effort and looked like he’d just rolled out of bed.

God it was bloody awful and I woke up this morning concerned that I’d actually gone to this ‘park’ with him in the middle of nowhere and how dangerous that is. When we parked up he said the park was a 10 min walk away and I was expecting a big park with lots of ppl etc..

I stayed for all of about an hour and swiftly left
I’m just shocked how someone can be so misleading !

Has this happaned to anyone ? He won’t stop messaging me now either.

OP posts:
catfeets · 24/06/2020 00:56

Bloody hell thats awful. Luckily I never had this situation but I think you should be straight with him about exactly why you aren't interested, even though he might start hurling abuse (they often do when rejected).

In future make sure you meet at a place of YOUR choice so you know your way around. If the bloke says he can't get to that place then tough shit, he can find another date.

PixelatedLunchbox · 24/06/2020 00:59

You dodged a real bullet. That could have REALLY turned out poorly. Blind dates? ALWAYS arrange to meet in a highly public place.

PopandFizz · 24/06/2020 01:00

Always ALWAYS tell a friend where and when you are going and arrange to contact them once you have met your online date.

SionnachGlic · 24/06/2020 01:11

Good Lord OP...if you had atayed another 15 mins you might have made it to the area where he'd dug the shallow grave..

Don't meet a stranger in an unfamiliar place again...stick to public areas with lots of the public about. Msg him, say sorry but not interested or whatever is polite & non judgmental & then block.

Crystalspider · 24/06/2020 01:12

Yep agree with what @catfleets said
In future make sure you meet at a place of YOUR choice so you know your way around. If the bloke says he can't get to that place then tough shit, he can find another date

That could of gone really bad, glad you're ok.
Just block him

SionnachGlic · 24/06/2020 01:12

*stayed...

Original poster
Lucy8901 · 24/06/2020 01:25

I know was so bloody stupid of me and I can’t even bare to think about what could have happened.

I actually suggested several parks to which he said no to and said he didn’t want to pay for parking.. I even suggested paying for it but still he didn’t want to and said his park was more ‘peaceful’.. I live in London so the parks I was suggesting would have been full of people. he lives on the outskirts and it was a good 30 min drive out if london from where I live .

Then the complete cheek was he was at the park I’d suggested for our date today

he seemed to have lied about a lot of things to job wise etc.. and said a few things that got me thinking he’s maybe younger than what he said.. said he was 29 but I’m not sure now

I will be blocking !!

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 24/06/2020 01:29

im not trying to be mean but I think you should have a good hard look at why you went along with such a dodgy arrangement , why you stayed once you saw where it was and why you then stayed for an hour to keep him happy and why you havent blocked him since when he continued to pester you.

It sounds like you are very naive about the bad things that can happen to people and are a people/man pleaser otherwise you wouldnt have stayed an hour there to keep him happy when you clearly didnt want to be there.

If you are going to continue online dating you should consider setting yourself some clear safety boundries like a checklist (lots of examples online) to make sure you keep yourself safe as best possible and work on why you think you passively went along with this in order to keep a complete stranger happy.

Original poster
Lucy8901 · 24/06/2020 01:47

I have sent him a polite message explaining how I felt and blocked him on everything

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy8901 · 24/06/2020 01:54

@Straycatblue I do get why you may think I am a people/man pleaser but I can assure you I’m not.

I didn’t block straight away as he actually seems like a nice enough guy even though the park of his choice was a bit creepy he wasn’t creepy himself and I didn’t want to seem mean I guess... he wasn’t rude or weird or anything like that he just didn’t look like his pics and the choice of park was very strange.. but he was a polite man

I didn’t leave straight away as when we first got there there were other people around albeit a few but as I started to see less and less ppl I decided it was time to leave. I also didn’t know it was a dodgy arrangement as I assumed it was a normal park with people..

But yes it was very very dangerous thinking back and I totally should have left as soon as I saw where we were.

OP posts:
Jajarolo · 24/06/2020 06:51

Were you in the same car? You say as we parked up? You are a people pleaser though because you stayed for an hour..you could have left 10.minutes in or even as soon as you saw him. Blokes would have no problem with that.

forumdonkey · 24/06/2020 08:57

I don’t usually meet this quick but I felt really good Vibes from him and thought why not

This is exactly why you should meet quickly. Continual back and forth messages can create a false and emotional connection.

Remember, these people are strangers to you, you owe them nothing. Stop being so accommodating with these men. If you don't want to meet somewhere that you don't know, don't do it and don't apologise for not wanting to either. If you're not interested when you meet them, make a polite excuse and leave. I also can't believe you sat around waiting for an hour. STOP IT.

You're not desperate, you're the prize.

PicsInRed · 24/06/2020 09:11

You are fitting the defintion of a people pleaser from your behaviour and your ongoing explanations and the reasoning for your behaviour. It's not the end of the world, you can fix it, but it takes work.

At the moment though? I actually don't think online dating is a safe option for you. You need to be able to at minimum hold the line on choosing the place (one you know to be busy, populated with people both on foot and also seated in one place e.g. a cafe - with outdoor benches seats at the moment). This means you can more easily get help if you need it. You also need to be confident enough to call an end to a bad date like this - at the outset - and block from the dating app.

You didn't give him your phone number already did you?

Imissmoominmama · 24/06/2020 09:18

The OP has blocked him.

PAND0RA · 24/06/2020 09:18

I’m sorry but they ^^ are right.

Posters are not saying this to be mean. They are posting to help you make better decisions in future and stay safe.

Sooooobored · 24/06/2020 09:26

Why did you wait over an hour for him to turn up?

Justmuddlingalong · 24/06/2020 09:29

Why did you not leave straight away? Were you worried about offending him? You owe nothing, not a second of your time to someone who you've been speaking to for a week. And you put your safety at risk, but you realise that now. In future please take more care when meeting strangers, because that's what he is, he turned out to be nothing like he portrayed online.

justanotherneighinparadise · 24/06/2020 09:31

I had a similar thing about ten years ago where I was talking to a guy who was a little overweight in his photos but kept reiterating to me over messages that he was on a keep fit regime. We met up and OMG he was morbidly obese, it was honestly a nightmare. Trying to extract myself but he got really angry and nasty.

I can still remember the absolute panic when he turned up and could hardly prize himself out the car seat. That was three hours of my life I wish I could get back.

DianaT1969 · 24/06/2020 09:38

Sorry, another one here thinking you should stay away from online dating until you put some basic barriers up. Where did he pick you up from? You said "we parked up". Where did you wait an hour for him? You think the photos he showed were old ones, so he must look older now, but you think he is younger than he said (29)?

Original poster
Lucy8901 · 24/06/2020 09:47

He didn’t pick me up we met there .. I meant when he finally got there and parked up and we got out our cars ..

I say I think he may be younger Cos some dates
he was saying didn’t add up.. not Cos he looks younger than his pics Cos he just doesn’t look remotely anything like them.

@justanotherneighinparadise yes he kept mentioning in the run up that he needed to lose weight and usually goes gym 4 times a week before lockdown and kept on mentioning his weight but he’d sent me a ‘recent pic’ that was clearly not very recent

Anyways lesson learned

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 24/06/2020 10:08

Not letting you choose somewhere familiar is NOT the work of a "nice" guy, neither is keeping you waiting for an hour, I'm afraid.

He wanted the meeting place to be 100% on his terms, on his time line, which is why he was late (did you suggest the time?) and wasn't what you expected when you met.

All power play!

Yet you carried on with the date to "be nice" and not be "rude" ... nothing happened thankfully, but next time have a think about how you not being in control, not knowing the space, and wanting to be "nice" could = trouble.

And google any suggested location before you go, if you don't know it.

whatayearitis · 24/06/2020 10:10

Online dating can bring out some really interesting weird and wonderful people.
I can understand you were keen to meet and waited for to long.
Definitely meet somewhere suitable for yourself.
I would ask if you continue dating for recent photos
We live and learn!
I think a first date thread would be entertainment!

ChristmasFluff · 24/06/2020 18:19

The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker is a book you need to read, OP. You are over-riding your instincts repeatedly, out of politeness, and this is something that leaves you VERY vulnerable.

hotsouple · 25/06/2020 01:12

Oh hun you need r/femaledatingstrategy

1forAll74 · 25/06/2020 02:36

Did you not have any proper conversation with him,for the time you stayed there, as in get to know a bit more about him ,despite the way he looked, and dressed etc.