I have a family member who I really love, but who I find communicating with quite difficult at times. I always manage to piss her off, without meaning to.
She is a little younger than I am, but we are both in our 30s. She lives on her own, so we are her support bubble, which she wanted. She works all week (not from home), so is only free at weekends. So, she came to stay a couple of weekends ago. All fine. We had a lovely time and it was lovely to catch up. However, it obviously eats into family / couple time (which we get little enough of) and one of the kids has to move beds as we have a tiny house. No big deal and no trouble in the scheme of things, but not something we want to be doing every week iyswim.
Anyway, all fine. She asked to come back as soon as she left, so we said not this weekend, but the one after. That is this weekend.
She lives a couple of hours drive from us and last time came for one night, so we assumed that would be the same this time. Then she asked could she come straight from her work on the Friday, so arriving Friday evening. We said could we see how the week goes and let her know later in the week. Then she said she had applied for A/L on the Friday, so, good news, she could come on Friday morning. I said ok, so are you coming for the night again and going back on the Saturday night? She said she'd planned to stay the extra night and go back on the Sunday afternoon. I said, politely, could she just come for the one night, because it's been a busy week (it has) with one thing and another.
This upset her a bit and she said she thought she was like one of the family and I said yes, she is, but she doesn't live here and, crucially, she doesn't have a room here, so it's just a little bit disruptive for the kids and DH who is not obviously related to her at all. I wouldn't want his relative coming for the whole weekend every other weekend etc. This all came out in quite a long conversation btw. I didn't pepper her with all of that in one go and I did try to say it as nicely as I could without being TOO "sweet", (as I have tried that in the past with her and that annoyed her too - I asked her if she was ok because she had been so ott angry with me about not answering the phone to her - I called her back 15 minutes after she called - and she got properly pissed off when I asked if she was ok "don't send me messages like that").
Anyway, the long and the short of it is, that she became upset on the phone today, said "at least I know where I stand now" and then cried and hung up without saying goodbye. I immediately apologise by text for making her cry. She responded saying she isn't coming as she doesn't want to be a burden and also doesn't want to do the drive for just a short stay all the time, which I obviously understand.
At the moment, I just don't have the energy to respond. Many members of my family are volatile and I honestly need to be in the right place to deal with them sometimes, so I know this is also a "me problem". I am not blaming her, because I know I sometimes come across as defensive / territorial about having family time with DH and dcs? And that is genuine. I do think I come across that way at times and wonder if I'm being a twat and need to lighten up about that...