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Original poster

Constantly deflecting with humour

81 replies

sunnyside303 · 23/06/2020 12:30

I am having some issues with my boyfriend of one year. For context, I am 30 and he is 31. We have fun together but that's all it seems to be - fun. He can't seem to talk about anything serious without making a joke of it. An example: I was very upset this weekend because we keep having little arguments that could be avoided with better communication. He point blank refused to talk to me about it at the weekend and when I brought it up yesterday he joked that I am an 'emotional terrorist' and he 'doesn't negotiate with terrorists'. Before I went over to his yesterday I asked if I could bring anything and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'.

I don't know whether I am overreacting but I would just like to be taken seriously and for him to indicate that he cares about my feelings. He also refuses to talk about the future with me.

He was single for 6 years before me and perhaps this explains his behaviour - he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. My worry is that if we can't have honest conversations about our relationship without him constantly deflecting, we won't be able to deal with issues as they arise and that is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Does anyone else have experience of this or advice in overcoming it? There are lots of good things about our relationship but I feel that being able to talk about issues and having feelings and emotions validated is fundamental to a successful relationship and that it's not a good sign that he can't seem to recognise this.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/06/2020 12:33

Before I went over to his yesterday I asked if I could bring anything and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'.

He was not joking.

He is not emotionally available. You can’t change that. This is a glimpse into your future should you stay with him.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 23/06/2020 12:33

Sounds like he is emotionally absent. I had a relationship like this, and I couldn't continue long term with this. Also, his humour is insulting you isn't it. That would worry me a lot. He's saying you are emotionally unstable and phrasing it as a joke. Something quite agressive about this.

PopeyeSpinach · 23/06/2020 12:36

I'm telling you now, this is how he communicates and he will never ever change accept it or move on.

ThickFast · 23/06/2020 12:36

Wtf is an emotional terrorist? He doesn’t sound like someone I could be with long term. Short fling for fun maybe. But you know he’ll never support you when you need.

ShebaShimmyShake · 23/06/2020 12:36

Aren't jokes supposed to be funny?

AwakeNotWoke · 23/06/2020 12:40

My husband can be a little like this. He's not gregarious or outgoing but he is jokey and can be light-hearted or superficial about things. His whole family are like that, they don't discuss anything deeply. He is prone to stress and anxiety and in some ways I think it's a sort of defence mechanism.

Over the years I have had to assert myself at times, telling him what I need from the conversation, ie for him not to joke around at that moment.

The difference with my DH is that he has taken it on board and recognises when he is doing it, and he responds to me with respect when I ask him to be serious about something. I'm not sure your partner is doing the same, and that sounds like it won't meet your needs long-term.

I'm an advocate of being up front and honest about these things (in a nice, calm way) and if he can't deal with hearing what you need from him and can't explain what he needs from you, you might want to consider how that is going to play out.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/06/2020 12:42

Before I went over to his yesterday I asked if I could bring anything and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'.

This is verbal/emotional abuse. Never bring your fine and completely acceptable as you are self over to his again.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/06/2020 12:44

I wouldn't even suggest having a casual relationship with him. He is disrespectful, which is a dealbreaker for me for any kind of relationship.

Gutterton · 23/06/2020 12:48

Yes it’s a defence mechanism - because he is unable and unwilling to be emotionally intimate. He’s a mess and not emotionally evolved as an adult - worse though he is bullying and subjugating you in order to hide from himself.

Don’t take in this futile project.

If you want DCs they deserve and require a much better parent than this and your marriage/RS will be stained, difficult and unfulfilled.

Don’t even bother blaming him - just decide that you require a level of adult emotional intimacy and intelligence that he can’t / won’t give - so you are not compatible. You are also doing him a favour.

Bundlemuffin · 23/06/2020 12:49

He's not like this because he was single for a long time.

He was single for a long time because he's like this.

It's not your job to try to 'educate' him into becoming a kind person.

backseatcookers · 23/06/2020 13:36

Why on earth are you continuing to see someone you can't have a sensible conversation with as well as having fun, doesn't discuss the future even after a year together and criticises you for being emotional?

Seriously - you don't seem to realise how low a bar you've set!

There are lots of good things about our relationship but I feel that being able to talk about issues and having feelings and emotions validated is fundamental to a successful relationship and that it's not a good sign that he can't seem to recognise this.

But equally it's not a good sign that you can recognise it but still haven't ended the relationship.

You can do so much better than this!

BlingLoving · 23/06/2020 13:38

It's not clear whether you're over emotional or not. But it doesn't matter. The point is that you want MORE emotion and he wants LESS. This is not a relationship that has a long term future because you are intrinsically just too different. It's been a year. You've given it a go. Now it's time to move on.

MashedSpud · 23/06/2020 13:44

This man is never going to be there for you emotionally.

Any time you really need him he will distance himself either by joking, ignoring or literally creating space between you so he “doesn’t have to deal with it”.

Dump and find someone better or have a shit life with mr no empathy.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/06/2020 13:44

I wouldn't say that it's just that he's emotionally unavailable- he's outright abusive.

ravenmum · 23/06/2020 13:56

Do you want him to act like he cares about your feelings?
Or do you want someone who cares about your feelings?
He's stamping all over yours, then saying you are pushy and unstable when you complain.

Lolapusht · 23/06/2020 14:03

You know that this relationship is not what you need. That is enough of a reason to end it. It doesn’t matter what he says or why and it is not your job to work it out and help him through it. Take control of your life and decide what you need to be fulfilled. If this man cannot do that then end the relationship. You don’t need to find someone that does, work out what you need for you and don’t compromise on it. He is the one who can’t function in a relationship, so if you split up it will be because of him (remember that he will probably turn it round on you and your “emotional terrorism” Hmm). Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship. Take charge of your life and soar. Be free and be happy!

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/06/2020 14:46

So he's basically saying 'I only want to see you if you are fun and happy'. Now, how the hell would that play out in day to day life, without you having to suppress your personality, never bring up any issues and generally have to plaster a fake smile on your face all the time for fear of upsetting him?

He's not relationship material.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 23/06/2020 15:41

@Lolapusht

You know that this relationship is not what you need. That is enough of a reason to end it. It doesn’t matter what he says or why and it is not your job to work it out and help him through it. Take control of your life and decide what you need to be fulfilled. If this man cannot do that then end the relationship. You don’t need to find someone that does, work out what you need for you and don’t compromise on it. He is the one who can’t function in a relationship, so if you split up it will be because of him (remember that he will probably turn it round on you and your “emotional terrorism” Hmm). Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship. Take charge of your life and soar. Be free and be happy!
You are so right. I think I've known this for a long time but have been scared to admit it. Thank you for confirming this, I appreciate it.
OP posts:
Este67 · 23/06/2020 15:41

My ex was exactly the same, it drove me mad. He would go to insane lengths to avoid having real life interfere with his desire to be Robin Williams. His dad was very similar so I don't think he knew how to have a serious conversation. Anytime we did it would escalate into some really fiery and borderline abusive rows, probably because that's what the clown persona was hiding. I would say leave him, if anything else it's just bloody annoying to be in a relationship with someone who is perpetually painting you as a kilroy because you're emotionally healthy and don't just want to discuss candy floss and kittens.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 23/06/2020 15:43

@Zaphodsotherhead

So he's basically saying 'I only want to see you if you are fun and happy'. Now, how the hell would that play out in day to day life, without you having to suppress your personality, never bring up any issues and generally have to plaster a fake smile on your face all the time for fear of upsetting him?

He's not relationship material.

@zaphodsotherhead Yeah that's basically what i've been doing for the last year. I'm desperate to make it work and I don't even know why anymore. I thought I was a strong person but clearly I'm not because if I was I'd have had the courage to end it before now.
OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 23/06/2020 15:44

My mum keeps saying I might not find someone better and that no one is the full package, but surely I deserve someone who will treat my feelings with basic respect?!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 23/06/2020 15:46

@backseatcookers

Why on earth are you continuing to see someone you can't have a sensible conversation with as well as having fun, doesn't discuss the future even after a year together and criticises you for being emotional?

Seriously - you don't seem to realise how low a bar you've set!

There are lots of good things about our relationship but I feel that being able to talk about issues and having feelings and emotions validated is fundamental to a successful relationship and that it's not a good sign that he can't seem to recognise this.

But equally it's not a good sign that you can recognise it but still haven't ended the relationship.

You can do so much better than this!

@backseatcookers. Thank you, I think all of the replies are basically confirming what I have known but been scared to admit for a long time.
OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 23/06/2020 15:47

@Gutterton

Yes it’s a defence mechanism - because he is unable and unwilling to be emotionally intimate. He’s a mess and not emotionally evolved as an adult - worse though he is bullying and subjugating you in order to hide from himself.

Don’t take in this futile project.

If you want DCs they deserve and require a much better parent than this and your marriage/RS will be stained, difficult and unfulfilled.

Don’t even bother blaming him - just decide that you require a level of adult emotional intimacy and intelligence that he can’t / won’t give - so you are not compatible. You are also doing him a favour.

@Gutterton You have given me a whole new level of clarity with your eloquence and explanation. Thank you, I can't tell you how helpful it was to read your reply.
OP posts:
BrambleJam978 · 23/06/2020 15:48

I'm imagining how I would feel in a relationship like that... If my efforts to become emotionally closer to so done led to those kind of comments. I'm sorry, I would feel confused and lonely. This man is never going to meet your needs ... He thinks that your needs are something he can use to ridicule you with through "jokes".

I'm glad you're listening to what others said and I'm glad you're listening to your own instincts.

They say you have to work at relationships and that they require a lot of effort... But the truth is a good relationship takes a lot less effort than a bad one .

tryinghardtobezen · 23/06/2020 15:50

@sunnyside303 can I ask; what is your relationship with your mum like and what have her relationships with men been like?

Cos as a mother I would be practically
dragging my daughter away from any man as emotionally absent/abusive as this, so am unsure as to why she’s practically encouraging/enabling it?!

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