Constantly deflecting with humour

[sunnyside303]

I am having some issues with my boyfriend of one year. For context, I am 30 and he is 31. We have fun together but that's all it seems to be - fun. He can't seem to talk about anything serious without making a joke of it. An example: I was very upset this weekend because we keep having little arguments that could be avoided with better communication. He point blank refused to talk to me about it at the weekend and when I brought it up yesterday he joked that I am an 'emotional terrorist' and he 'doesn't negotiate with terrorists'. Before I went over to his yesterday I asked if I could bring anything and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'.

I don't know whether I am overreacting but I would just like to be taken seriously and for him to indicate that he cares about my feelings. He also refuses to talk about the future with me.

He was single for 6 years before me and perhaps this explains his behaviour - he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. My worry is that if we can't have honest conversations about our relationship without him constantly deflecting, we won't be able to deal with issues as they arise and that is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Does anyone else have experience of this or advice in overcoming it? There are lots of good things about our relationship but I feel that being able to talk about issues and having feelings and emotions validated is fundamental to a successful relationship and that it's not a good sign that he can't seem to recognise this.

My partner can be a bit like this, he’s an easy going person who can make a joke about everything. However, he does listen to my feelings. That your partner won’t talk about the future suggests that he doesn’t see you in his future imo.

@NoMoreDickheads

Before I went over to his yesterday I asked if I could bring anything and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'.

This is verbal/emotional abuse. Never bring your fine and completely acceptable as you are self over to his again.

@NoMoreDickheads i think you're right re the abuse. I have caught myself thinking 'maybe I am a bit too overemotional', thereby downplaying my feelings and this was all probably part of his intent to make me feel like I am the one that is messed up and has a problem

FFS, ignore your mother. It's sad that her standards are so low, and it's even sadder that she thinks you should settle for such a shit relationship.

He is completely emotionally unavailable, never mind an arsehole. Dump and move on.

He sounds horrible. Dump.

@BrambleJam978

I'm imagining how I would feel in a relationship like that... If my efforts to become emotionally closer to so done led to those kind of comments. I'm sorry, I would feel confused and lonely. This man is never going to meet your needs ... He thinks that your needs are something he can use to ridicule you with through "jokes".

I'm glad you're listening to what others said and I'm glad you're listening to your own instincts.

They say you have to work at relationships and that they require a lot of effort... But the truth is a good relationship takes a lot less effort than a bad one .

@BrambleJam978 thank you. I have been questioning whether I am the one with the problem and using the excuse of 'no relationship is perfect' to keep things going. Prior to being in this relationship I had high standards and refused to settle. I always believed that it was better to be on your own than with the wrong person. I don't know how/when things changed and I actually feel a little ashamed and embarrassed.

Over the weekend I was begging him to engage in some dialogue with me about things but he point blank refused. I can't believe I actually begged. What have I become??? I've lost any sense of pride I once had.

I think I know the relationship is over because I've given up talking to my friends about it. They are keen for me to get rid of him because they hate seeing me so upset by him so frequently. That's a huge sign right there...

His behaviour isn't because he'd been single for 6 years. It's the reason he was single!

That must get pretty tedious.

Slightly different I know, but there is a parent at my sons school who is similar. Conversations are just a series of wise cracks. She's not interested in what you are saying cos she is thinking about how to make a punchline.

It's actually made me reflect that I could be a bit like this! I was always "quiet but funny" and really hope I dont over try with the 'funny'

But back to your issue. I would call it a day. This is just how he is.

Is it possible to find a man who is emotionally available though? My mum keeps reminding me 'men are from venus, women are from mars' or whatever the saying is

It is possible (to find an emotionally available man). They’re around.

OP your mum is wrong and your boyfriend is harming you emotionally.

I can’t imagine anything more boring than a partner who cannot connect with authentic feeling.

Yes, men are capable of having a sensible discussion.

My mum keeps saying I might not find someone better
Sounds like she is talking about herself here, not you? Or is she just desperate for gc ASAP? Very weird thing for a mother to say otherwise - hardly building up your confidence, is it?

tryinghardtobezen has it.

Your DM is soooooooo wrong headed. What happened to her?

You have done well to have high standards and know that this isn’t right.....you just needed the words to articulate it. It’s understandable that you wanted this to work - but be really, really careful not to lower your standards because of your biological clock - this is the time you should be raising them. Family life with a dick head husband / Dad is horrific for women and is a really shite emotional upbringing for children.

No you deserve better, he's not behaving like he wants a future with you, alarm bells would be ringing when a guy doesn't want to discuss a future with you after a year, by this point you know if you want to be together long term you deserve to know where the relationship could be heading.
Plus he isn't taking your emotions seriously, he should care about you more than he is. It's not you it's him.

lonely and confused as PP said. Exactly that.

You would get a more consistent and deeper connection with a cat!

Goodness, I've read some scary things on MN but doesn't negotiate with terrorists this is pretty far out there.

I can't imagine myself wanting to be close and intimate with someone like this.

It seems he is is more in a live in the moment than a make plans for the future place. I wouldn't worry about communication problems, I'd cast him aside and look for someone who is interested in a future with me.

My mum keeps saying I might not find someone better

Oh, lovely, do yourself a favour. Don't listen to people who want you to settle. Who knows why they would do that to you, I'd not argue with her just nod and smile and enjoy your life your way.

Might be worth a google of 'emotionally unavailable people' and do listen to the good advice on MN.

Your life is going to be just great.

Is it possible to find a man who is emotionally available though?

Yes @newname333! Of course it is! You have to be clear with yourself that's what you want and when it becomes clear someone doesn't meet that need, accept that you are not compatible and break up. Doesn't mean they're a terrible person, but it does mean that you are incompatible.

Wait for someone who does meet that need or you will end up in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs and makes you unhappy and eventually resentful.

He was single for 6 years before me and perhaps this explains his behaviour
All it explains is exactly WHY he's been single for 6 years.
He's literally, not good enough for any woman.

He is emotionally unavailable.
Walk away. He's a head fuck already and it will only get worse.
You need someone with emotional intelligence.
You will never find that with this guy!

Your mum should want the absolute best for you.
It's a weird response from her.
Maybe her attitude towards you is exactly why you are putting up with this shite and why you don't think you are worth more!?
YOU ARE worth more!

I married a man like this. Do NOT go any further in this relationship. End it. Now. In a year come back and tell us about the wonderful, empathic, grown up you are with. Your life will be miserable. You will end up with depression and resentment and extreme loneliness. You will end up not even knowing who you are anymore because the person you have devoted your life to doesn’t validate any emotion you have. Are you happy to spend your life as a stepford wife because that’s the only way this relationship will work. You are fine as you are. Has anybody ever told you that you are overreacting before? No. He’s no good for you. He’s a deal breaker. Get rid

He won't talk about the future with you because there isn't one. He doesn't want to spend his life with you. He doesn't want to have children with you. He doesn't want to do anything other than perhaps have sex, keeping you at arm's length the rest of the time.

He's clearly not worth that effort. After all, he's not even able to make you laugh now, is he?

Just bin him and you will find grown men out there if you choose to look.

What is his relationship with his parents like? Also google avoidant attachment style. That’s what he is. Then google anxious/avoidant and then you have my permission to ignore your idiot of a mother and run for the hills

Tell him his penis is too small and let’s see if he jokes about that too.

If you do stick with him and all the (yawn) hard work it will involve, be prepared that he won’t support you well through the tough days of having kids, and when the stress is high and his “humour” disappears then boy, are you in trouble then. You don’t even know what’s behind the humour? Are you willing to trust yours and your kids lives to that uncertainty? Wouldn’t you be better off cutting it now and spending the next couple of years finding the right guy? You’ll invest another 5/6 years, pushing 40, no commitment and every time you ask he will just evade and deflect, more years past, you are running out of time, 40 is almost here. No romantic/unexpected proposal for you. You’ll end up having to give him an ultimatum “marry me or I’m gone” and that’s the only way he’ll do it (grudgingly). He won’t get involved in the wedding planning and the only way you’ll get pregnant is through another ultimatum or accident and he won’t support you through the pregnancy because he didn’t really want any of this. He doesn’t respect you. He couldn’t give a rats arse really if you dropped dead of a heat attack at his feet. He’s not invested in you. He is emotionally unattached to you and you try and try and try. Then when your 50 and your looks are fading and the life and sparkle and opportunities of youth have gone, he will discard you with a nasty “you’re psychotic” and “dial down the drama”. He’s doing that already. So you’ve been warned.

and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'

I only got that far until I knew you should end it. Run.

To be honest, your mum does not have your back. It sounds like she undervalues you and encourages you to undervalue yourself. Possibly she has a history of putting up with poor partners herself and thinks that's normal, or possibly she subtly puts you down and doesn't want you to "get above yourself."

Either way, with a mother like that, I think you should be proud that you have become an emotionally literate adult who recognises when a relationship is healthy and when it is not. You do have a sense of your own rightful worth. It just takes a bit more effort to act on it than it would for most people, because you have to overcome the conditioning from your mum.

@needhandhold

If you do stick with him and all the (yawn) hard work it will involve, be prepared that he won’t support you well through the tough days of having kids, and when the stress is high and his “humour” disappears then boy, are you in trouble then. You don’t even know what’s behind the humour? Are you willing to trust yours and your kids lives to that uncertainty? Wouldn’t you be better off cutting it now and spending the next couple of years finding the right guy? You’ll invest another 5/6 years, pushing 40, no commitment and every time you ask he will just evade and deflect, more years past, you are running out of time, 40 is almost here. No romantic/unexpected proposal for you. You’ll end up having to give him an ultimatum “marry me or I’m gone” and that’s the only way he’ll do it (grudgingly). He won’t get involved in the wedding planning and the only way you’ll get pregnant is through another ultimatum or accident and he won’t support you through the pregnancy because he didn’t really want any of this. He doesn’t respect you. He couldn’t give a rats arse really if you dropped dead of a heat attack at his feet. He’s not invested in you. He is emotionally unattached to you and you try and try and try. Then when your 50 and your looks are fading and the life and sparkle and opportunities of youth have gone, he will discard you with a nasty “you’re psychotic” and “dial down the drama”. He’s doing that already. So you’ve been warned.

@needhandhold all of this is so accurate. I can't understand why I'm so sad about having to end things

@Potatobug

Tell him his penis is too small and let’s see if he jokes about that too.

@Potatobug lol! Thank you for providing me with a much needed giggle