Constantly deflecting with humour

[sunnyside303]

I am having some issues with my boyfriend of one year. For context, I am 30 and he is 31. We have fun together but that's all it seems to be - fun. He can't seem to talk about anything serious without making a joke of it. An example: I was very upset this weekend because we keep having little arguments that could be avoided with better communication. He point blank refused to talk to me about it at the weekend and when I brought it up yesterday he joked that I am an 'emotional terrorist' and he 'doesn't negotiate with terrorists'. Before I went over to his yesterday I asked if I could bring anything and he joked 'an emotionally stable version of yourself'.

I don't know whether I am overreacting but I would just like to be taken seriously and for him to indicate that he cares about my feelings. He also refuses to talk about the future with me.

He was single for 6 years before me and perhaps this explains his behaviour - he just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. My worry is that if we can't have honest conversations about our relationship without him constantly deflecting, we won't be able to deal with issues as they arise and that is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Does anyone else have experience of this or advice in overcoming it? There are lots of good things about our relationship but I feel that being able to talk about issues and having feelings and emotions validated is fundamental to a successful relationship and that it's not a good sign that he can't seem to recognise this.

Well done for ripping off the plaster.

As PP have said, you are grieving for the life you thought you were going to have.

It's up to you now to be kind to yourself. Remember the things you really enjoy and start doing at least one thing you enjoy each day.

It will get better.

You shouldn’t hitch all of your emotions, expectations and energy to “hope” for a future RS and have to work so hard at the RS.

All of your expectations, energy and emotions need to be REAL and in the here and now. Not some fantasy that you can’t shine a shit. Be honest to what is happening right under your nose and your real feelings in the here and now to his words and actions. Don’t bury this reality and cover it in “hope” for the future - that’s just delusional and will drain your emotional spirit trying to hide the growing reality and maintain the fading fantasy.

Concentrate on you now. Don’t make this mistake again otherwise you are in for more years of heartbreak. Your parents situation is so dysfunctional and has set you with a v low bar where you have low self worth in RS and tolerate v poor behaviour whilst magically thinking you can change someone (you can’t) - so get some talking therapy to fix this part of you once and for all. Also you won’t really miss him - you will only be missing some illusion of him/fantasy future life that didn’t exist and never would have.

Ok well we had an honest conversation tonight and he didn't deflect or criticise me at all. He was mortified that he had upset me (he works in a very aggressive male dominated environment where 'banter' like this is common) He was tearful - and he NEVER cries and very, very sorry.

I don't think he's a bad person, I just think he doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He is very willing to change and is desperate to make things better and he has innumerable good points e.g. recently he has helped me do up my new house to save me money, he gives me advice on things I am clueless about that he has knowledge of, he makes an effort with my friends and family, he is thoughtful in little ways eg by cooking meals I like and lighting candles if I have a shower at his. I think it really shook him that I wasn't afraid to end it over his behaviour. I wish the situation was more black and white and therefore more easy to deal with! I suppose the question is whether I want to allow him any more of my time...what would you do?

Not being capable of serious conversation is a huge red flag for me. Can you imagine a long term relationship with someone like that? Trying to make big decisions together? For this reason I avoid anyone online dating who mentions ‘sarcasm’ or ‘banter’
OP he also sounds disrespectful. He most certainly isn’t the ‘full package’.

Do you feel that the conversation you've just had, was a 'step change' in terms of the communication between you? Has he dropped a barrier that he's been hiding behind? Has this happened before but not been sustained?

If it's really different, it will stay different & you'll know. If it was crocodile tears, he will slip straight back into the old ways. Keep a clear view in mind, of how you want to feel, and whether this relationship is coming up with the goods.

@sensitivesoulman

Ok well we had an honest conversation tonight and he didn't deflect or criticise me at all. He was mortified that he had upset me (he works in a very aggressive male dominated environment where 'banter' like this is common) He was tearful - and he NEVER cries and very, very sorry.

I don't think he's a bad person, I just think he doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He is very willing to change and is desperate to make things better and he has innumerable good points e.g. recently he has helped me do up my new house to save me money, he gives me advice on things I am clueless about that he has knowledge of, he makes an effort with my friends and family, he is thoughtful in little ways eg by cooking meals I like and lighting candles if I have a shower at his. I think it really shook him that I wasn't afraid to end it over his behaviour. I wish the situation was more black and white and therefore more easy to deal with! I suppose the question is whether I want to allow him any more of my time...what would you do?

It doesn’t sound like what he was saying was banter, though. You said in one of your earlier posts that you have been putting on a nice, fun persona to keep him happy for a year or so. You shouldn’t have to change your behaviour to stop him from sulking or getting angry or him telling you why he thinks you’re not a good person. Was this the first time you’d mentioned how his behaviour makes you feel? If it was and he had no idea that his behaviour was upsetting you, then ok. If this is yet another time that you’ve had a similar conversation then I don’t think it will last. The “banter” thing isn’t acceptable. Is that how you want to be treated? To be put down and made fun of? Your partner should make you feel good. They should improve your life, not drain your self-esteem. Your earlier posts seemed to agree with what people were saying but after your conversation you seem to have changed to “he’s not that bad”. Why not go for “he’s amazing”? Now, we weren’t there so didn’t hear everything that was said. It is possible for someone to change and for him to be genuinely upset at how his behaviour had effected you, but bear in mind it may be a temporary change. You are not his relationship guardian and it’s not your job to mother him through all the tough times. How will he be if you have children? Will he be able to cope with not having your full attention any time he has an emotional wobble? You may find yourself looking after a newborn, doing all the housework and having to deal with the burden of helping him basically sulk because he’s not the centre of attention. Put your shared history out of the picture for a moment, how does your current relationship make you feel? I think that’s what you need to focus on. Don’t settle for “alright”, you really do deserve to be happy