Hi all, I need some help, thoughts, encouragement please.
I'm 34 years old and have just broken up from a 6 year-long relationship.
My ex is/was abusing me physically (grabbing me from the hair, pulling me on the floor, kicking me, bruises everywhere) and emotionally (gas lighting, belittling me, mansplaining).
He comes from a family of racists, sexists, misogynists so he doesn't know differently. He has never seen me as an equal and his dad believes all women are 'wee wifies' so that's what my ex thinks too. The mother agrees, she doesn't know any better. They all think they are an incredibly amazing family and weirdly enough are respected in the local society, yet all 3 sons have dealt with court cases, the father has killed a child while speeding with his car, my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight and the middle son was a drug dealer at some point in his life. I've learned all these facts, 6 months ago.
I am a foreigner living, working in his country. No family, friends, educated, financially independent. I feel isolated and have been crying out for help for many MANY years to my family, social services, a hand to pull me out of this manipulative, nasty situation but no one helps and so I go back to him.
During this lockdown I had enough, decided its time I help myself and get out of here. Packed my stuff and I move out in 10 days.
He doesn't seem to care, no reactions. Still living together in his flat. He is on Tinder and keeps telling me how old I am, no one's gonna look at me, I lost my chance to have kids, I'm a failure for the female standards and lost my marketability as a woman.
Tinder is full of young, fresh, beautiful women, he says, who won't be as opinionated (aka educated who disagrees when he makes racist /sexist comments) as I, so he is happy with the split up and keeps reminding me that the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because I wasnt good enough for him and his family. He said the plan was to stay with me {and enjoy the perks (he does zero household jobs and I contribute 50% in his mortgage)} up until I'll be of an age that I wouldn't be able to have kids and then he'd either marry me out of feeling sorry for me, or dispose me and find someone else.
It's a toxic relationship that I've been living in for the good times and chose to block out the nasty comments, behaviour. I have always hoped that my love will change him. Delusion.
BUT, he starts getting into me and even though I grew balls to move out without anyone helping me (mentally), I do now believe that he's right. No one will marry me, I'm old now, all the good men are taken by now and I woke up this morning coming into terms with the fact that I might not have kids in my life and it was a hard realisation.
I cannot sleep at nights, my stomach is a knot and I'm utterly lost.
Help, thoughts please!