Escaping an abusive relationship at 34. Too late?

[user1498060624]

Hi all, I need some help, thoughts, encouragement please.

I'm 34 years old and have just broken up from a 6 year-long relationship.

My ex is/was abusing me physically (grabbing me from the hair, pulling me on the floor, kicking me, bruises everywhere) and emotionally (gas lighting, belittling me, mansplaining).

He comes from a family of racists, sexists, misogynists so he doesn't know differently. He has never seen me as an equal and his dad believes all women are 'wee wifies' so that's what my ex thinks too. The mother agrees, she doesn't know any better. They all think they are an incredibly amazing family and weirdly enough are respected in the local society, yet all 3 sons have dealt with court cases, the father has killed a child while speeding with his car, my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight and the middle son was a drug dealer at some point in his life. I've learned all these facts, 6 months ago.

I am a foreigner living, working in his country. No family, friends, educated, financially independent. I feel isolated and have been crying out for help for many MANY years to my family, social services, a hand to pull me out of this manipulative, nasty situation but no one helps and so I go back to him.

During this lockdown I had enough, decided its time I help myself and get out of here. Packed my stuff and I move out in 10 days.

He doesn't seem to care, no reactions. Still living together in his flat. He is on Tinder and keeps telling me how old I am, no one's gonna look at me, I lost my chance to have kids, I'm a failure for the female standards and lost my marketability as a woman.

Tinder is full of young, fresh, beautiful women, he says, who won't be as opinionated (aka educated who disagrees when he makes racist /sexist comments) as I, so he is happy with the split up and keeps reminding me that the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because I wasnt good enough for him and his family. He said the plan was to stay with me {and enjoy the perks (he does zero household jobs and I contribute 50% in his mortgage)} up until I'll be of an age that I wouldn't be able to have kids and then he'd either marry me out of feeling sorry for me, or dispose me and find someone else.

It's a toxic relationship that I've been living in for the good times and chose to block out the nasty comments, behaviour. I have always hoped that my love will change him. Delusion.

BUT, he starts getting into me and even though I grew balls to move out without anyone helping me (mentally), I do now believe that he's right. No one will marry me, I'm old now, all the good men are taken by now and I woke up this morning coming into terms with the fact that I might not have kids in my life and it was a hard realisation.

I cannot sleep at nights, my stomach is a knot and I'm utterly lost.

Help, thoughts please!

I’m 37 and have had loads of guys interested on dating apps. At 34 it wouldn’t have entered my head I was too old, back then I thought I was in my prime!!!! He’s just saying it so you don’t leave. He would say any old crap to make you feel rubbish so you stay. Anyway it doesn’t matter how old you are even if you were 74 you really should not stay in an abusive relationship. He’s clearly one of those really chauvinistic types that think women need to have a man on their arm at all times no matter what.

It will NEVER be too late.

Don't listen to him, please leave

Consider keeping your emergency bag somewhere outside of the house like a locker at work or a work colleague / friend. Just in case.

It isn't too late, I'm newly single at 43 and excited for my future, with or without men x

I, too, finally left an abusive relationship (of six years) during lockdown. I had tried to leave so many times before but ended up feeling absolutely unbearable (much as you describe you’re feeling now) and going back time after time. I look back now, with hindsight, and desperately wish that I had left back then. We can and will be free of this. You will be more resilient and have a better future than you could have ever imagined even going into the relationship. Albeit, much wiser to what you will and won’t accept in the future.

I know the feeling of a ‘well respected family’ in an area but please be careful not to mix up respect with being fearful or feeling inferior to. I bet if people were asked confidentially and individually it’d likely be largely the latter.

I’m sure the book recommendations above are brilliant (I even plan to save the post and look into them myself) but whilst you wait for them to arrive have a look into Melanie Tonia Evans. She has absolutely loads of information on her website and I find just listening or reading it soothes me so much.

From just your post alone, you sound like an intelligent, competent and caring young lady. Note the intelligent. As Melanie’s advice details, you need to shift the focus back to you and you only. You are an intelligent person who deserves exponentially better and 20,000 people could tell you that but it won’t matter until you wholeheartedly believe it yourself and seize the potential of what’s left of your loooooong life ahead. A long life that will be happy, torment free and full of love once you conquer this hurdle.

Stay strong and focus on you. You’ve got this x

P..S If you ever need someone to chat to, please feel free to PM me.

@SofiaF1508

I, too, finally left an abusive relationship (of six years) during lockdown. I had tried to leave so many times before but ended up feeling absolutely unbearable (much as you describe you’re feeling now) and going back time after time. I look back now, with hindsight, and desperately wish that I had left back then. We can and will be free of this. You will be more resilient and have a better future than you could have ever imagined even going into the relationship. Albeit, much wiser to what you will and won’t accept in the future.

I know the feeling of a ‘well respected family’ in an area but please be careful not to mix up respect with being fearful or feeling inferior to. I bet if people were asked confidentially and individually it’d likely be largely the latter.

I’m sure the book recommendations above are brilliant (I even plan to save the post and look into them myself) but whilst you wait for them to arrive have a look into Melanie Tonia Evans. She has absolutely loads of information on her website and I find just listening or reading it soothes me so much.

From just your post alone, you sound like an intelligent, competent and caring young lady. Note the intelligent. As Melanie’s advice details, you need to shift the focus back to you and you only. You are an intelligent person who deserves exponentially better and 20,000 people could tell you that but it won’t matter until you wholeheartedly believe it yourself and seize the potential of what’s left of your loooooong life ahead. A long life that will be happy, torment free and full of love once you conquer this hurdle.

Stay strong and focus on you. You’ve got this x

P..S If you ever need someone to chat to, please feel free to PM me.

Sofia, I'm so, so happy fir you. Congratulations on finding the strength to move away and forward.

Thank you for trying to make me feel better. I have achieved some worthy things in my life, yet because he never congratulates me or talks about them, I have forgotten the value of them so I underestimate them and sabotage my own self by belittling me.
He rarely celebrates my achievements let that be a promotion, payrise or academic achievement. He has a higher salary than me but, even though I contribute equally in the household expenses, he tells me if he was with someone who hold a better job than mine, she'd be in a position to pay more towards HIS MORTGAGE, save for a big deposit and buy a bigger house.

I told him, no one would pay him more than £500 pm for his one bedroom apartment but he started laughing telling me he could be with a lawyer who would have a higher salary and pay him twice as much as I pay. I told him I doubt it and he started laughing. He REALLY got on my nerves but I think he did it on purpose to make me doubt myself and feel even more worthless once again. I very highly doubt a lawyer would be with him....

You're expecting him to behave like a reasonable human being, but he is not reasonable or logical. He enjoys upsetting you and belittling you. He feeds off it, it's obvious from everything you report about him. I like the channel 'live abuse free' on YouTube the lady Zoe on there is great and has helped me realise a lot of things and given me a lot of strength.

It is HE who has done a number on your self esteem. You can break free and repair it and get yourself back. You'll be surprised how quickly you start to feel good again.

Reading the thread you mention an awful lot of "he said", "he says" why are you even listening to this prick??

When the piece of shit speaks close your ears OP.

You're not a child and no one is going to step in and save you. Focus on your plan and follow through with leaving.

I can pretty much guarantee you no one is going to touch this deluded arrogant prick with a bargepole.

Someone is going to reap the benefits

Of what exactly - being kicked punched and dragged around by their hair??

Follow through and don't delay

@Closetbeanmuncher

Reading the thread you mention an awful lot of "he said", "he says" why are you even listening to this prick??

When the piece of shit speaks close your ears OP.

You're not a child and no one is going to step in and save you. Focus on your plan and follow through with leaving.

I can pretty much guarantee you no one is going to touch this deluded arrogant prick with a bargepole.

Someone is going to reap the benefits

Of what exactly - being kicked punched and dragged around by their hair??

Follow through and don't delay

Thank you! I fully understand I'm not a child but you'll be surprised to see how much emotional and physical strength it takes to make the decision, create a plan and execute it all by yourself in a foreign country with no network support. I guess, that's why I havent left him earlier!

(I'll say it again, sorry) he says that with another girlfriend he'd never have this issues because she'd be agreeable with him and basically shut her mouth and not have a constructive argument. I start to believe he would prefer someone like his mum or brothers girlfriends, undereducated who never have a different opinion, or an opinion at all. Looking back, now I see why they don't like me. I have a voice and a brain and they are a threat to them. I'm not moulded.

I'm 100% sure, there are girls out there like the ones I mentioned above, that will be keen on playing the 'wifie' role. As long as they agree with him and his family and moan over dinners for the people who claim benefits, qualified immigrants who come and 'steal' their jobs (still laughing at this!), BLM protesters removing public sculptures and so on. The list of subjects is never ending!

So his mum just texting me, she had no clue as apparently he didn't tell anyone that I'm moving out which now worries me.

She tried to ask why and how come this happened so I told her it doesn't matter and that we all know what happened (considering the first time he battered me I called her in shock asking for help).

I'm quite sad now and I can't explain why I'm feeling this way. This woman raised him, certainly she must know what her son(s) is(are), even if she turns her head the other way!!

Why do I feel guilt and sadness as if I disappointed her, its so weird!

Because her way of coping is to pretend he isn't like that, and in that she shows how she herself is trapped. She had needed you to pretend as well. In order to love him and be with him, you had to do what his mother dies and pretend he's ok.

You can't do that and she is exposed.

So you feel sorry for her, and sorry you couldn't love her (horrible) son.

It's collateral damage. I'm afraid you just have to leave it and move on. You can't do anything about it.

@mellowww

Because her way of coping is to pretend he isn't like that, and in that she shows how she herself is trapped. She had needed you to pretend as well. In order to love him and be with him, you had to do what his mother dies and pretend he's ok.

You can't do that and she is exposed.

So you feel sorry for her, and sorry you couldn't love her (horrible) son.

It's collateral damage. I'm afraid you just have to leave it and move on. You can't do anything about it.

I think the most hurtful thing is that I told her that I don't want to discuss further what has happened and I kindly asked her to respect my decision and NOT tell him that she knows because I have still 10 days left living in his flat and I want to be intact without bruises.

Her response was I texted him so now he knows. Which tells me 3 things:

1. she doesn't believe her son is capable of violence and she think I'm a liar
2. she doesn't give a ducking duck about me and if he beats me again, or if he throws me out of the flat and have nowhere to go for these last 10 days
3. I do the right thing to leave him and this family!

P. S: I'm sorry I text you all here all the time with my updates but I have no one else to talk to and reading your responses is literally the best part of my day xx

@user1498060624
OK, that message from his Mum is worrying. You need to be planning to get out at a moment's notice when he turns. I honestly don't think you have 10 days. Please get yourself safe.
He has nothing to lose now, and you're in more danger than before.

You don't have 10 days anymore. Are there not hotels still open you could stay in for a few days? Heck, buy a tent, go camping. But get out asap.

Her mum is probably exactly the same kind of monster he is btw. No normal human says thibgs like - I dont care if someone beats the shit out of you. I think it's more than just denial for her sons sake. She is disordered, like him.

And stop kidding yourself that any woman will not be treated exactly as you have bern. Everyone has free will - and he doesnt like that. He will hurt any woman the same way he has you. This isn't a problem with you. He is just incredibly messed up.

Get your skates on!

@Bunnymumy

You don't have 10 days anymore. Are there not hotels still open you could stay in for a few days? Heck, buy a tent, go camping. But get out asap.

Her mum is probably exactly the same kind of monster he is btw. No normal human says thibgs like - I dont care if someone beats the shit out of you. I think it's more than just denial for her sons sake. She is disordered, like him.

And stop kidding yourself that any woman will not be treated exactly as you have bern. Everyone has free will - and he doesnt like that. He will hurt any woman the same way he has you. This isn't a problem with you. He is just incredibly messed up.

Get your skates on!

The hotels in my area are occupied with COVID-19 workers (doctirs, nurses, social workers etc.). I looked into it 2 months ago when we had a massive argument and the police /social workers got involved. There was nowhere to go so I had to patch things up and get back to him. We didn't have a physically abusive argument since but he's definitely mentally abusing me ever since.

He didn't react much to the news that his mum knows. He looks a bit hurt but I don't think he believes 100% this over, even if he can see that our relationship is totally ruined!

Please call the police, calll refuge and tell them what’s going on. This is THE most dangerous time for you and he could kill you

Get out. Now.

I joined tinder at 46 a few years ago and was fighting them off. The beauty of tinder is you never know who didn't like you etc as you match and only see the ones that are interested in your age range.

Honestly 34 is so young! There are also far more men that women on tinder but the men see them all there, right swipe frantically and then never get a match.

You oss as if for his renovations? He owes you money. Get it back off him, and then get some counselling to find out why you did that and why this is something you believe because he is SO full of shit.

"The hotels in my area are occupied with COVID-19 workers (doctirs, nurses, social workers etc.).
I looked into it 2 months ago when we had a massive argument and the police /social workers got involved. There was nowhere to go so I had to patch things up and get back to him. We didn't have a physically abusive argument since but he's definitely mentally abusing me ever since."

Is it not possible to book somewhere on Air BnB? I agree with PP that you should just get out. He could suddenly turn on you. Since you have no local friends or family he may think no-one will notice or care if you are badly injured or worse. You've said yourself that he doesn't really believe you're leaving. He might become dangerous when he realises that you're not going to change your mind.

We had another massive argument, just words hurting each other. He said my biggest fear is that he's going to find someone more beautiful, educated, younger than me in a few months time and me, being 34 years old, I'll find no one and can't gave kids and just be bitter for the rest of my life.

He asked me to leave and that he doesn't care.

OP you arent dealing with a normal person. I'm not sure its sinking in. It isnt tit for tat. He is an abuser who wants to break you. You arent having an argument. You are being abused.

Please drop the idea that there is anything you can say or do to fix his behaviour or make him see your point of view. He understands how he has treated you and made you feel. He knows it is wrong. He just doesnt care. He is never going to show genuine remorse for his treatment. You cannot leave on a good note. He wants you broken.

It's actually great that ge has asked you to leave. Because if he thinks it's his choice it may be easier to keep him away from you when you are out.

He wants you gone - so go! Hotels might have been shut 2 months ago but things might well have changed! Don’t hang around - run like the wind....

I'm twice your age and I'd not give a nasty, hideous excuse for a human being like him one more moment of my valuable time.
He's dangerous and irredeemable. Leave him now, in whatever way suits you best and think of the money you've spent on him as a very small price to pay for having your dues opened and moving on. I sincerely wish you the very best of luck and happiness: after the shit you've put up with you deserve it. 💐

Eyes not dues. Duh.

100% sure, there are girls out there like the ones I mentioned above, that will be keen on playing the 'wifie' role

So what if there are OP, more fool them!

We had another massive argument, just words hurting each other. He said my biggest fear is that he's going to find someone more beautiful, educated, younger than me in a few months time and me, being 34 years old, I'll find no one and can't gave kids and just be bitter for the rest of my life

You're not listening are you op...Why are you indulging this nonsense by engaging?

What is your plan besides getting insulted and ass whooped by that gutter trash??

FFS Focus!

It is never too late, ever !

You will have your freedom & a new life

Ignore everything that he says