Escaping an abusive relationship at 34. Too late?

[user1498060624]

Hi all, I need some help, thoughts, encouragement please.

I'm 34 years old and have just broken up from a 6 year-long relationship.

My ex is/was abusing me physically (grabbing me from the hair, pulling me on the floor, kicking me, bruises everywhere) and emotionally (gas lighting, belittling me, mansplaining).

He comes from a family of racists, sexists, misogynists so he doesn't know differently. He has never seen me as an equal and his dad believes all women are 'wee wifies' so that's what my ex thinks too. The mother agrees, she doesn't know any better. They all think they are an incredibly amazing family and weirdly enough are respected in the local society, yet all 3 sons have dealt with court cases, the father has killed a child while speeding with his car, my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight and the middle son was a drug dealer at some point in his life. I've learned all these facts, 6 months ago.

I am a foreigner living, working in his country. No family, friends, educated, financially independent. I feel isolated and have been crying out for help for many MANY years to my family, social services, a hand to pull me out of this manipulative, nasty situation but no one helps and so I go back to him.

During this lockdown I had enough, decided its time I help myself and get out of here. Packed my stuff and I move out in 10 days.

He doesn't seem to care, no reactions. Still living together in his flat. He is on Tinder and keeps telling me how old I am, no one's gonna look at me, I lost my chance to have kids, I'm a failure for the female standards and lost my marketability as a woman.

Tinder is full of young, fresh, beautiful women, he says, who won't be as opinionated (aka educated who disagrees when he makes racist /sexist comments) as I, so he is happy with the split up and keeps reminding me that the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because I wasnt good enough for him and his family. He said the plan was to stay with me {and enjoy the perks (he does zero household jobs and I contribute 50% in his mortgage)} up until I'll be of an age that I wouldn't be able to have kids and then he'd either marry me out of feeling sorry for me, or dispose me and find someone else.

It's a toxic relationship that I've been living in for the good times and chose to block out the nasty comments, behaviour. I have always hoped that my love will change him. Delusion.

BUT, he starts getting into me and even though I grew balls to move out without anyone helping me (mentally), I do now believe that he's right. No one will marry me, I'm old now, all the good men are taken by now and I woke up this morning coming into terms with the fact that I might not have kids in my life and it was a hard realisation.

I cannot sleep at nights, my stomach is a knot and I'm utterly lost.

Help, thoughts please!

Please ignore his poison.

I escaped an abusive relationship at 33, and met my (lovely) SO at age 34.

My abusive ex was 7 years younger than me and made comments about how I was past my best. These men are scum.

Don't let him make you think that the dating is a "market" where you have no value. It isn't a market, at least it's not among the normal people out there. Quite simply, in the future, you will likely meet someone new, connect, get to know one another, fall in love and decide you can't live without one another.

All his trash talking is bullshit;

• you're old, you're past it.

You're not, you're still pretty young.

All his trash talking is also because he's angry and bitter that you've left him ; you aren't supposed to do that, you're supposed to hang around thinking the sun shines out if his arse and take whatever shit behaviour he doles out to you.

He wants to.hurt you and make you feel bad, put you down and wreck your confidence .. whether you ever get back involved with him or not.

That's what it's all about. He's full of shit.

• you're past having kids

You're not, it's unlikely you'd have any problems having kids

• you e failed at the things a female should be ... Men like him think the only thing a woman should be is young, relatively attractive, and stupid and/or obedient. Men not like him do not look for only youth and obedience .. because they are not abusers.

Also Tinder may be full of young women, but how many of them want to date a misogynist who's done prison time? And who is an all round arsehole? All it takes is a few conversations online to work out that someone is an arsehole and at most, a couple of dates. He's the one who will face rejection. He knows this and that is why he is lashing out in this way.

Don't listen to anything he says, it is all designed to put you down and make you feel helpless, He is full of shit.
Get the hell out of there and never go back.
You can find better men than him under a rock or on any street corner, why do you think you can't get any better?
Leave and don't go back, you can find friends by joining womens groups for abused women that's a start, I live alone and have all sorts of interests and have joined all kinds of clubs where I have made lots of new friends.
If you want to find love again you can do much much better than him.
He may kill you one day.
He is completely worthless as a man, real men don't hit women.
Good luck.

My sister got married very late and had both of her lovely children in her late forties.

I left my abusive ex after 20 years when i was 40. I fell in love and married my lovely DH, my best friend, rock and soulmate- a man i thought didnt exist. We had 3 kids between us and decided we didnt want anymore, but i hadnt gone through menopause and assume if we had tried it would have worked. All the things my ex used to put me down about( my looks, my political views, my mh issues) and the things i thought would stop me ever finding someone, are the things my DH loves the most about me. Trust me it is NEVER too late. I wish you every happiness.

@Dery

I wouldn't trust anyone who described themselves as a "bloody good bloke". It's not for him to say. And he's not going to say "I am a racist, misogynistic bigot and all-round nasty piece of work", is he!?

Be gentle with yourself. He's been brainwashing you with his nasty shit for 6 years. It's going to take some time to stop hearing his voice spilling his poison. That was how he controlled you. And you were in a vulnerable position as someone new to the country without friends and family here to whom you could turn. Perhaps an easy way to start weeding out his voice is this: whenever you have a thought that makes you feel bad about yourself - recognise it for his voice, remind yourself that you are now free to ignore his voice and replace it with a positive thought about yourself. Find some positive affirmations which you can use in such moments. Things like "I am a loveable person building a bright new future for myself". Whatever helps you to feel good.

I hope the experience has not put you off the UK. There are millions of really decent people here including lovely men who will be delighted to have you in their life and will treat you accordingly. I have a number of friends who didn't meet their partners until their mid to late 30s, many of whom then went on to have children in their late 30s/early 40s. So don't worry about that at all.

For the immediate future, concentrate on recovering from your relationship, finding yourself again and loving and valuing yourself. You might find it helpful to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser" so you can gain some understanding of how an abuser's mind works, and perhaps also "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

He might try being nice to you for a while to suck you back in. Ignore that - you know it will count for nothing. He is a nasty man from a nasty family and you cannot waste any more time on him.

Keep posting here for support for as long as it helps you.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

Thank you so much for the book suggestions, ordering them tonight and reading them on my holidays.

He does truly believe he is an amazing, good man, hardworking who's willing to spoil someone BUT if you have an opinion that is against his (and his family's) he's going to dismiss your words.

For years, he got into arguments with me when I'd say simple, innocent things like 'I'm missing the blue sky of my Mediterranean country' when it's cold here. Instead of loving my country, and understanding my reasons for missing home, he'll be defensive and start arguing over which country is best (!) and then end up calling my country a hot sh*thole and that we are much better here.

In these past 6 years of rour relationship, he only met my family twice because its all about HIS family. Christmas at theirs, celebrations at theirs it's all about him/them and never cares about my feelings and what I want.

In a way, I feel he was isolating me from my roots. The worst thing is, I let him do this to me.

Equally like when I let his brother (or he allowed his brother to do so and didn't defend me) call me 'ugly, dirty (insert my nationality)'. His brother also said to me, when I told him he's a racist wearing afro wigs and making fun of the BLM movement, that I'm one of these people who have a few degrees and think they can have an opinion. For the record, that person left school at 16 and 15 years later is still financially dependent on his parents.

All these years, I have experienced situations and let him call me things I'm too embarrassed to say and never told any of my friends or family. It's sad that I let him do this to me...

Oh sorry op I got the wrong end of the stick and thought you were living somewhere like Oz.

If you're reading books on this subject "why does he do that .. inside the minds of angry and abusive men" by Lundy Bancroft is very good.

This is an online version you don't have to order or buy;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You can skip to "myths about abuse" if you want to get straight into the body of the book.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

Lass, 34 is nothing. NOTHING. You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

And no one is going to describe themselves as a violent, misogynistic, abusive, coercive, ex-jailbird violent cunt on the Tinder, are they? Every word that comes out of his mouth is designed to control you or to groom his next victim. Pay it no heed. Move on with your long and happy life.

I think the desire to make quick decisions is strong when you come out of a relationship like this but you will need a little bit of time to rebuild your trust in your own judgement. When you go back to your home country for holiday, spend some time investigating the job prospects. Maybe seek a counsellor to talk through the decision with. But give it a bit of time.

Thank you! I intend to meet a few friends and discuss about the job market there. I rejected a really good job two years ago because of him, so I'd like to test the waters so as to speak and see what's back home for me.

My concern is, if I stay here for my job and rent a flat somewhere else in the city, it'll still be his city. I might see him outside and the rehabilitation will be slower. Also, I hate the idea of going back to my flat after work and being alone.

I need to have a look back home and see what are the chances. I know that changing environment will help a lot to forget him, recover and move forward.

@TW2013

Where do you think you would want to raise children? Although it might not happen I would use this as my starting point and go from there.

Back home. Under a sunny sky by the sea!

They all think they are an incredibly amazing family and weirdly enough are respected in the local society, yet all 3 sons have dealt with court cases, the father has killed a child while speeding with his car, my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight and the middle son was a drug dealer at some point in his life. I've learned all these facts, 6 months ago.

Interesting that you've only found out in the last six months when you've been involved for six yrs, they must have been covering them up and lying by omission.

Criminality, risk taking, antisocial behaviour, violence etc seem.to be in their DNA. You don't want to.cteste kids or raise them within a family like this.

I find it really hard to imagine how they are respected if people know about these things, do they know?
Did they say they're respected .. they're probably delusional.

@GilbertMarkham

Why do you keep going back - when you say you cry out for help from family or social services, what do you mean?

Financial? You seemed to day to could manage financially on your own (?)

If not financial then why keep going back when he's abusive and physically abusive at that.

If you were to bring kids into the world with this "man" the boys will grow up thinking it's normal to hit and kick women, to drag them around by the hair .. and the girls will think it's normal to be hit and kicked by their partner, to be dragged around by the hair.

People think they can hide stuff from kids a d they don't know - they do. Kids notice everything, absorb everything. They are incredibly, naturally emotionally intelligent.

Why do you think you go back for more of this?

Could you have counselling, have you had any?

Because when you are in a relationship like this, you feel you are not capable of doing anything and you expect a hand to come and pull you out, rescue you and nurture you while you cry and mourn and try to forget him.

Moving out is easy. Living alone and setting up myself/ life all alone is difficult.

You go and hugs to you I left my ex at 38 at 40 I married my dh we’ve been married 13 years this year.

He does truly believe he is an amazing, good man, hardworking who's willing to spoil someone BUT if you have an opinion that is against his (and his family's) he's going to dismiss your words.

No good man assaults his partner - no ifs, buts, ands or maybes. And repeatedly by the sounds of it.

Who gives a fk what his opinion is of himself; rapists and child sex abusers think they're great guys too.

you feel you are not capable of doing anything

He's ground you down to feel like that.
But you can build yourself up. You've left, you're strong. You still.know right from wrong.

I think I read it takes an average of seven attempts for a woman to leave an abusive relationship.

and you expect a hand to come and pull you out, rescue you and nurture you while you cry and mourn and try to forget him.

You know noone but yourself can make end the relationship with him and not go back. And you've done it. Now, as I said before - don't walk back into the cell and turn the key on yourself. Walk off to freedom and in time much better things.

@wildone84

Also Tinder may be full of young women, but how many of them want to date a misogynist who's done prison time? And who is an all round arsehole? All it takes is a few conversations online to work out that someone is an arsehole and at most, a couple of dates. He's the one who will face rejection. He knows this and that is why he is lashing out in this way.

The thing is, I didn't even know about his conviction until a letter arrived one day home for a speeding fine and he asked me to open it and send a picture of it while he was at work. At that point we were together for 5 years and he never opened up to tell me this.

His brother selling drugs? He only told me this last month! I've received so much criticism and hate from his brother only to know that he did this.

Ofc his family excused him and said he did it bc he was in the middle of a breakdown and bad point in life.

Anything bad they have done as a family they brush it off and don't think much of it. I'd be majorly embarrassed to be the mother of this family and look myself in the mirror considering why all of my sons have a stained criminal record. Yet, the way they see thins is 'we've all done mistakes in the past, it's OK if you have a good heart and are past it'.

When I told him that none of my family / friends / classmates / immediate environment have a stained criminal record, he rejected my words and could not fathom the idea!

To him, we all have dirty past and secrets. Well, blimey me and my family don't. Never killed, beat anyone, never sold or did drugs, never got a fine of any sorts!

Moving out is easy. Living alone and setting up myself/ life all alone is difficult.

You're going to have to fill your time, with lockdown easing this is feasible. Try absolutely anything, take up new hobbies, join courses, take any social opportunity you can, exercise til you fall into bed .. plan lovely treats for when you've stayed no contact for a period etc.

They sound like thugs.

(His family).

@GilbertMarkham

They all think they are an incredibly amazing family and weirdly enough are respected in the local society, yet all 3 sons have dealt with court cases, the father has killed a child while speeding with his car, my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight and the middle son was a drug dealer at some point in his life. I've learned all these facts, 6 months ago.

Interesting that you've only found out in the last six months when you've been involved for six yrs, they must have been covering them up and lying by omission.

Criminality, risk taking, antisocial behaviour, violence etc seem.to be in their DNA. You don't want to.cteste kids or raise them within a family like this.

I find it really hard to imagine how they are respected if people know about these things, do they know?
Did they say they're respected .. they're probably delusional.

I think they've been covering. Like, when he was in jail they said to everyone he was on a study field course abroad.

They are well off so good at covering tracks and past mistakes.

Excellent at appearances too. All in all, a good facades that will take one years to go past.

Well OP, here is the really good news about your life:

Wherever you go, stay here or go back ‘home’, you have some foundations; a job / a home.

Your are young. You really are. You have loads of time to behold a much happier life. As it happens I got together with my DH at 40 and had a baby at 43. I am now looking forward to a really adventurous, exciting older ‘middle age’ . Your freedom is a treasure to enjoy at any age.

It doesn’t matter what your ignorant violent undereducated H thinks. You can leave him without proving your point. You don’t need to argue with him over his stupid ideas and threats. Just leave him and think ‘Watch me now!’.

Be careful, however. Is your passport in a place he cannot get it? Give it to a trusted friend for safe keeping it keep it at work. Change your password to any accounts that he knows. Make sure your money is safe in an account that he cannot get into.

He is an abuser: he will not like you leaving his control.

Good luck: you deserve to live your life happy.

Would it be a good idea to move out to a place you can afford and keep your job, but while employed, use the time to look for work in the country where you have a house?

@ComeBy

Well OP, here is the really good news about your life:

Wherever you go, stay here or go back ‘home’, you have some foundations; a job / a home.

Your are young. You really are. You have loads of time to behold a much happier life. As it happens I got together with my DH at 40 and had a baby at 43. I am now looking forward to a really adventurous, exciting older ‘middle age’ . Your freedom is a treasure to enjoy at any age.

It doesn’t matter what your ignorant violent undereducated H thinks. You can leave him without proving your point. You don’t need to argue with him over his stupid ideas and threats. Just leave him and think ‘Watch me now!’.

Be careful, however. Is your passport in a place he cannot get it? Give it to a trusted friend for safe keeping it keep it at work. Change your password to any accounts that he knows. Make sure your money is safe in an account that he cannot get into.

He is an abuser: he will not like you leaving his control.

Good luck: you deserve to live your life happy.

Thank you and I'm so happy to read about your happy ending! I got a secret phone from the Cyrenians and hide it. It's connected to the police station so if I call them, they'll immediately get the signal and come rescue me.

The reason for this is because last time we argued he grabbed my personal phone and work phone and my laptop so I could not get in touch with anyone.

I have my passport and an emergency wallet along with this secret phone in a bag under the bed so I can escape at any point.

My savings are in my bank account and I'm pleased he can't have control over them!

@ComeBy

Would it be a good idea to move out to a place you can afford and keep your job, but while employed, use the time to look for work in the country where you have a house?

In all honesty, that's the plan on the very top of my head!

It’s never ever too late, 24, 34, 54 or 84 you will always always deserve better don’t ever forget that.

Sounds like he’s false advertising himself, being rich doesn’t make him great and good luck too him, he might have money but he’s still a fucking arsehole who abusive, I’d rather be with someone who had £10 in their pocket who could give me love, safety and treat me with respect than a rich knobhead.

Only you know what is best for YOU, but what I can tell you is best for you is being away from him be it in this country or your home country.

Best of luck to you