Escaping an abusive relationship at 34. Too late?

[user1498060624]

Hi all, I need some help, thoughts, encouragement please.

I'm 34 years old and have just broken up from a 6 year-long relationship.

My ex is/was abusing me physically (grabbing me from the hair, pulling me on the floor, kicking me, bruises everywhere) and emotionally (gas lighting, belittling me, mansplaining).

He comes from a family of racists, sexists, misogynists so he doesn't know differently. He has never seen me as an equal and his dad believes all women are 'wee wifies' so that's what my ex thinks too. The mother agrees, she doesn't know any better. They all think they are an incredibly amazing family and weirdly enough are respected in the local society, yet all 3 sons have dealt with court cases, the father has killed a child while speeding with his car, my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight and the middle son was a drug dealer at some point in his life. I've learned all these facts, 6 months ago.

I am a foreigner living, working in his country. No family, friends, educated, financially independent. I feel isolated and have been crying out for help for many MANY years to my family, social services, a hand to pull me out of this manipulative, nasty situation but no one helps and so I go back to him.

During this lockdown I had enough, decided its time I help myself and get out of here. Packed my stuff and I move out in 10 days.

He doesn't seem to care, no reactions. Still living together in his flat. He is on Tinder and keeps telling me how old I am, no one's gonna look at me, I lost my chance to have kids, I'm a failure for the female standards and lost my marketability as a woman.

Tinder is full of young, fresh, beautiful women, he says, who won't be as opinionated (aka educated who disagrees when he makes racist /sexist comments) as I, so he is happy with the split up and keeps reminding me that the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because I wasnt good enough for him and his family. He said the plan was to stay with me {and enjoy the perks (he does zero household jobs and I contribute 50% in his mortgage)} up until I'll be of an age that I wouldn't be able to have kids and then he'd either marry me out of feeling sorry for me, or dispose me and find someone else.

It's a toxic relationship that I've been living in for the good times and chose to block out the nasty comments, behaviour. I have always hoped that my love will change him. Delusion.

BUT, he starts getting into me and even though I grew balls to move out without anyone helping me (mentally), I do now believe that he's right. No one will marry me, I'm old now, all the good men are taken by now and I woke up this morning coming into terms with the fact that I might not have kids in my life and it was a hard realisation.

I cannot sleep at nights, my stomach is a knot and I'm utterly lost.

Help, thoughts please!

I lost my chance to have kids

90% of women under 40 conceive within two years of trying. The further off 40 you are the less time it's likely to take. That's off the NHS fertility page.

My antenatal group in England had one 27 I (I think) year old woman who was the youngest - by quite an amount, of any of us. Most women were mid to late 30s.

Do his knowledge of fertility is a teeny bit shaky.

*So

Btw that was not lol at my grandmother:s bf passing away , it was at the idea that women can't get men at any age.

I wouldn't trust anyone who described themselves as a "bloody good bloke". It's not for him to say. And he's not going to say "I am a racist, misogynistic bigot and all-round nasty piece of work", is he!?

Be gentle with yourself. He's been brainwashing you with his nasty shit for 6 years. It's going to take some time to stop hearing his voice spilling his poison. That was how he controlled you. And you were in a vulnerable position as someone new to the country without friends and family here to whom you could turn. Perhaps an easy way to start weeding out his voice is this: whenever you have a thought that makes you feel bad about yourself - recognise it for his voice, remind yourself that you are now free to ignore his voice and replace it with a positive thought about yourself. Find some positive affirmations which you can use in such moments. Things like "I am a loveable person building a bright new future for myself". Whatever helps you to feel good.

I hope the experience has not put you off the UK. There are millions of really decent people here including lovely men who will be delighted to have you in their life and will treat you accordingly. I have a number of friends who didn't meet their partners until their mid to late 30s, many of whom then went on to have children in their late 30s/early 40s. So don't worry about that at all.

For the immediate future, concentrate on recovering from your relationship, finding yourself again and loving and valuing yourself. You might find it helpful to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser" so you can gain some understanding of how an abuser's mind works, and perhaps also "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

He might try being nice to you for a while to suck you back in. Ignore that - you know it will count for nothing. He is a nasty man from a nasty family and you cannot waste any more time on him.

Keep posting here for support for as long as it helps you.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

As for the kid thing, it's kinda irrelevant to the decision as its not like you would want to have kids with this monster of a man anyway.

Leave for you.
Not because of what may or not be.
But because life free from abuse IS there for the taking.

This is Oz, right?

I heard it can be unbelievably chauvanist and racist there.

My ex is/was abusing me physically (grabbing me from the hair, pulling me on the floor, kicking me, bruises everywhere)

my ex was in jail for crashing the head of a man in a pub fight

He sounds dangerous. He could hurt you badly or even kill you in the right (wrong) circumstances.

Don't try to have relationships with men who've done time for violence (or find time at all).

Hell no, I escaped mine at 46. You'll be amazed at how young you will feel in a few months. Well done for getting out. I strongly recommend a couple of years on your own before even thinking about another relationship. You need time to heal and find out who you are. It's a cliche I know but you'll get there. Be strong and ind to yourself, and when you can't be strong lean on family and friends for support.

I didn't want to read and run but just wanted to say I'm in awe of you and your strength. You can do this. And you deserve so much better

I bet his family arent half as "respected" in the community as you think. You arent hearing the things people REALLY think about them, because at the moment, you're part of the family. Once you get away, you will start to hear the truth.

Dont let them drive you from your job. If you have a job, you have an income and you are independent.

I wish you good luck.

34 isn't old at all. Please follow through with your plan and let us know how it goes. xxxxx

*describes himself as a bloody good bloke on tinder"

Yeah, bloody good blokes haven't been incarcerated for crushing another's man head in.s pub fight, nor do they hit.sbd drag around by the hair their partners.

This reminds me of the film "Once were warriors" where the main character considered himself "a really likeable bloke" and was very pleased with himself while he beat, raped his wife, had house parties with kids in the house (at one of which his teenage daughter was raped stealthily in her bedroom by one of his mates) etc etc.

Like that guy he's not a v good judge of what is a "good bloke".

I left at 42 my love, it‘a never ever EVER too late to find your freedom

It DOES feel terrifying to begin with, but the terror doesn’t last and you can find lots of support services to talk things through and be heard.

Mumsnet is a brilliant help too. It was one if the most important things I had when I left.

10 years on and even I can’t recognise my life as it was and how it is now! Believe! Have faith! Never ever give up on living the best you can live.

You are worth soo much more than you think

I’m leaving at nearly 41. And I’m bloody excited about it!

Please, please pack everything you want to take with you, pay excess baggage if you have to, get home and stay there.

Lass, 34 is nothing. NOTHING. You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

And no one is going to describe themselves as a violent, misogynistic, abusive, coercive, ex-jailbird violent cunt on the Tinder, are they? Every word that comes out of his mouth is designed to control you or to groom his next victim. Pay it no heed. Move on with your long and happy life.

I think the desire to make quick decisions is strong when you come out of a relationship like this but you will need a little bit of time to rebuild your trust in your own judgement. When you go back to your home country for holiday, spend some time investigating the job prospects. Maybe seek a counsellor to talk through the decision with. But give it a bit of time.

Yeah, my ex also told me that nobody would ever love me. I married DH at age 38 and am pregnant at almost 41. I'm so much happier now. Relationships tend to progress quicker when you're in your thirties. People know by now what they want and aren't going to wait five years to get it.

Stop listening to him, he is trying to punish you for having the strength to choose for yourself. You're still young enough to find someone better and have children. What you need to do is stop listening to the twat, start your new life and go out and find someone nice. There are some twats available but some nice men too. Don't choose an abusive one.

As soon as you can stop having contact with him. You don’t need this this negative talk. Everything he says is to Intentionally make you feel bad and it’s working right now. You’re only mid thirties and a whole life time ahead of you.

Where will you be happiest? Home or here?

Why do you keep going back - when you say you cry out for help from family or social services, what do you mean?

Financial? You seemed to day to could manage financially on your own (?)

If not financial then why keep going back when he's abusive and physically abusive at that.

If you were to bring kids into the world with this "man" the boys will grow up thinking it's normal to hit and kick women, to drag them around by the hair .. and the girls will think it's normal to be hit and kicked by their partner, to be dragged around by the hair.

People think they can hide stuff from kids a d they don't know - they do. Kids notice everything, absorb everything. They are incredibly, naturally emotionally intelligent.

Why do you think you go back for more of this?

Could you have counselling, have you had any?

Where do you think you would want to raise children? Although it might not happen I would use this as my starting point and go from there.

*He doesn't seem to care, no reactions"

That's good!!!!

Would you rather be was harassing, threatening, and trying to hurt or even kill you?!!

Because that's the other route with guys like this, they don't just move onto a new victim.

I feel intensely sorry for any woman he meets off tinder, he's a fkg violent abuser and a time served criminal.

You have obviously been caught up in a kind of Stockholm syndrome with this specimen .. you've been "stuck". You've almost unstuck yourself, you've opened the cell door and walked out. Don't you dare walk back in and lock the door on yourself.

He is a violent abuser and offers nothing but a lifetime of shit to any woman.

Don't worry about whether he cares, whether he's meeting someone else ; he's no fkg good .. anyone who gets involved with him will be a victim.
If you think it's hurtful or offensive that he doesn't care - what makes you think anyone like him can truly care about someone, truly live someone - they can't.

He doesn't have it in him, regardless of how it might look from outside.

Is there any org like women's aid where you are to get support and counselling? You've been in a quite severely relationship for six yes, you need support.

I left my 13 yr relationship at 36 , I am now 44, married with a 13m dd and my life is amazing .. I felt like I was finally living after leaving and meeting my dh it all happened very fast but no regret.