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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP response to mums death

108 replies

Foxsakemum · 20/06/2020 21:31

Hi all, I lost my mum very suddenly & unexpectedly last week. I now have no living parents and I am only in my early thirties although I do have siblings which I am thankful for. When I received the phone call that my mum would not survive (she had been in icu for one night prior) DP was here & was initially supportive. However, since then I have been extremely busy sorting out her affairs, organising funeral & catching up with my siblings about various odds and ends and he seems resentful of this. We have one dd together who was extremely close to her gran and had been upset also. It almost seems like he thinks I should be over it by now although we haven't even had the funeral yet! Today I arranged to meet a friend for a walk (with dd) and he went in a mood and wouldn't speak to me, I paid no attention to this but when I got home the same thing continued. He is now in a different room and not talking to me at all. Is this a normal response to a grieving partner!? I have lost my only parent and have been extremely upset however the past 2 days I've not been crying etc and he also made a comment I should be back at work next week. I don't feel ready and also now dont feel comfortable staying at home. Fortunately I am on full pay in a secure job & he is furloughed on full pay so it's not a financial strain. I cannot fathom his response and feel like telling him the relationship is over however I realise my responses may be sensitive at the moment. Many thanks.

OP posts:
Foxsakemum · 20/06/2020 21:33

Also sorry to add on - but when I asked him what his issue was he told me he 'was bored' I did encourage him to go out and do a hobby he enjoys- he doesn't feel obliged to stay with me as he has already been away golfing all day since my mum passed. ( I have no issue with this - as I say I've been busy anyway)

OP posts:
NC4Now · 20/06/2020 21:36

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Your partner’s reaction is quite strange. What is he usually like? And was he close to your mum? I only ask in case he’s having a weird grief reaction.

I don’t think now is the time to make any big relationship decisions. I understand why you are hurt though. This is the time you need him most.

Maybe he’s misinterpreting your stoicism as you being ok? It sounds like you need a really good talk to him.

NC4Now · 20/06/2020 21:37

Sorry, I posted before your update. Bored? Well poor him. Give him a job to do!

HelmutShmacker · 20/06/2020 21:37

He sounds like an absolute knob

Foxsakemum · 20/06/2020 21:41

No he wasn't close to my mum, in actual fact she didnt like him & we had been discussing me separating from him before she died. (He doesn't know this & she was always more than friendly to him in person) he was upset on the day she died more so because our dd was so upset. I have still been doing the shopping, cooking meals etc and looking after dd when not dealing with anything directly related to my mum. So its not like I'm lying in a ball crying 24/7 although even if I was I think it would be understandable! I know our previous issues are clouding my view of him right now but this is (thankfully) the only time I need to go through this since both my parents are deceased and he has little to no patience for me whatsoever!

OP posts:
pog100 · 20/06/2020 21:48

It's a horrible, immature and unloving reaction to a partner's grief. You seem to be handling things much better than average anyway and he is acting like a small child lacking attention!
You allude to problems in the past, I works just take this as confirmation and get on with separating.

justasmalltownmum · 20/06/2020 21:49

I have no advice in regards to DH, but am sorry for your loss. My mum passed away very suddenly too and it is a huge shock.

I think it's one of those things people just don't understand unless they have experienced jt. And maybe he is fortunate enough to NOT have experienced it

bluebluezoo · 20/06/2020 21:50

Has he lost a parent? Anyone at all?

People deal differently. Some are dust down and move on. Don’t think about it. Others need time and space to grieve, and it can be quite difficult to understand the other side.

He may see your business and organising as getting on with things. Some people think grief is weeping and wailing, and when that stops things are OK.

FaceOfASpink · 20/06/2020 21:53

Does he think you should be paying him more attention?

category12 · 20/06/2020 21:54

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you were considering leaving him before her death, then it's not based on your grief. His behaviour is awful and I'd be wondering what he's for exactly.

If you're ill, is he as unsympathetic to you then also?

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/06/2020 21:57

Sorry for your loss...

If you were talking about separation prior to this , those reasons are still here.

He is bored???

Does he usually resent you meeting friends?

happytoday73 · 20/06/2020 21:57

Does he still have both parents? Is he close to them? Has he ever lost anyone close?

I wonder if he thinks because you are functioning you are OK....
I'd explain to him how you feel and what support you do and don't want...

Honestly... I wouldn't make any big decisions just now... See it as a last opportunity to be the partner you deserve

I am so sorry for your loss... Sending you a big socially distancing hug...

Puds11 · 20/06/2020 21:58

I’d trust your mums instincts and leave him. Good luck!

Sorry she isn’t here to help you Flowers

user1972548274 · 20/06/2020 21:59

I'm really sorry about your mum. And horrified by your so-called partner. If this is what he is like now he will not be there to support you in the years to come - you are very young, this is a big deal, it won't just go away. It is not something you ever "get over" or cease to be affected by for the convenience of dickheads.

Maybe leaving the nasty, manipulative bastard would be a positive legacy of sorts. Your mum clearly saw him for what he is.

It is really sad that he has made you feel you have to justify your grief even to us. Having emotional responses to losing your mum so young is normal. It will take time for them to ease. My mum has been dead a very long time and I still cry for her at times. Because I am a human and I lost someone I loved who was a major part of my life.

You deserve so much better.

FaceOfASpink · 20/06/2020 22:00

I lost my DDad then DM soon after. It's a massive life change that can take a long time to process. One of the things I wish is that I'd listened more closely to my DM's opinion of my XH. She only voiced it once. I'm sure a lot of DMs get this stuff wrong but maybe in your case she didn't.
I'm so sorry that she died.Flowers

KentuckyBlueberry · 20/06/2020 22:03

Sorry to hear you have lost your Mum OP.

The last thing you need right now is sulking and conflict from DP. He should be supporting you and doing whatever he can to help. It must feel very sad to be dealing with that as well.

No advice but just wanted to send support and say you don’t deserve that treatment. His reaction is odd and inappropriate.

SorrySadDog · 20/06/2020 22:03

It sounds like the reaction of someone who is fairly immature. If you’ve not seen him grow in other ways he’s unlikely to grow out of this. He could, but only if he wants to. You could try talking to him but he may be combative

Foxsakemum · 20/06/2020 22:05

No he hasnt lost any parents, he is quite close with them although does have problems showing emotion anyway. My only reasoning for not asking him to leave right now is 1) I'm aware I may be over sensitive and 2) my dd has been through so much this week I couldn't upset her any more. But honestly I don't even want him at the funeral although of course I wouldn't say that. People do keep telling me how 'strong' I've been and what a great job I'm doing with everything but honestly, what other choice is there!? All my friends have been so supportive and I am so grateful for that but I don't feel I can accept their offers of meeting up etc as I know he wont like it. (He wouldn't say this but I can feel it) none of my friends have lost parents but know how to show compassion and empathy regardless. He doesn't seem to have this ability.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 20/06/2020 22:06

Sorry for your loss, it’s so hard to bear.
Your partner is behaving atrociously, no if or buts.

istheresomethingishouldknow · 20/06/2020 22:10

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

As for your DP, perhaps he's giving you a gift: he's showing you who he is, and it isn't a pretty picture. He's making your mother's death about him and how your sadness and your need to take time out to grieve and sort out funeral arrangements is interfering with his own happiness. Perhaps it's time to think about your conversations with your mother about your relationship and follow through on leaving him.

FaceOfASpink · 20/06/2020 22:11

I could have written your last post OP. For me it didn't get any better. Trust your feelings here. And when the funeral is over please allow yourself to not have to be the strong one.

xmummy2princesx · 20/06/2020 22:11

I’m so sorry for your lossFlowers

Your partner is behaving so badly. But as others have said he is showing u who he is so believe him.

BirdyCheepCheep · 20/06/2020 22:13

I'm do sorry for your loss. Your DH sounds awful. Ignore him, he's a selfish idiot.

Foxsakemum · 20/06/2020 22:14

I am certain that this has showed me who he is, however, my mum was a huge support to me and I don't know if I can end it without her support now. She always told me 'life is too short to be miserable' and she would absolutely hate, that at a time like this I'm having to waste my energy even thinking about this. But she always believed I would be better off on my own- financially and emotionally so, again, this may be clouding my judgement. Many thanks for all the responses so far its definitely giving me food for thought.

OP posts:
Gingaaarghpussy · 20/06/2020 22:17

Sorry for your loss.
When my dad died suddenly my ex waited a month before he told me I should be over it, he even compared my loss to losing his grandad.Hmm I was kind of living in a void at the time, just living moment to moment and he didn't like that I wasnt concentrating on him. I also had a 3 month old baby at the time.
I think I just told him to go fuck himself as he had no clue what losing a parent 3 days after they went into hospital was like.
I regret leaving him sooner than I did because his attitude fucked with my oldest son. I believe that if you leave now your dd will have 1 short grieving period rather than an extended one. But that's me.

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