DP response to mums death

[Foxsakemum]

Hi all, I lost my mum very suddenly & unexpectedly last week. I now have no living parents and I am only in my early thirties although I do have siblings which I am thankful for. When I received the phone call that my mum would not survive (she had been in icu for one night prior) DP was here & was initially supportive. However, since then I have been extremely busy sorting out her affairs, organising funeral & catching up with my siblings about various odds and ends and he seems resentful of this. We have one dd together who was extremely close to her gran and had been upset also. It almost seems like he thinks I should be over it by now although we haven't even had the funeral yet! Today I arranged to meet a friend for a walk (with dd) and he went in a mood and wouldn't speak to me, I paid no attention to this but when I got home the same thing continued. He is now in a different room and not talking to me at all. Is this a normal response to a grieving partner!? I have lost my only parent and have been extremely upset however the past 2 days I've not been crying etc and he also made a comment I should be back at work next week. I don't feel ready and also now dont feel comfortable staying at home. Fortunately I am on full pay in a secure job & he is furloughed on full pay so it's not a financial strain. I cannot fathom his response and feel like telling him the relationship is over however I realise my responses may be sensitive at the moment. Many thanks.

Sorry for your loss OP. I’m sorry that your DP is not providing you with the emotional and physical support you deserve right now. Take your time, but after going through events like these, people tend to re-evaluate and take stock of their lives, and who is in it. Glad you have friends and siblings who seem supportive

I'm sorry about your mum OP, it sounds as if you had a lovely relationship with her so you will have been blindsided by losing her like this.

You sound as if you are doing well but please do see your friends as seeing them and being able to talk to them about your mum will really help you and give you the sort of support that you're not getting from your DP.

I suspect your DD is already wondering why your DP isn't being more supportive so if you do split, it may not be a big shock to her.

What is the point of having a partner if they don't support you when you need it the most? This sounds unforgivable. If I were you, I don't think I could get past or forgive the hurt caused by this behaviour. It is very callous and cold.

How long have you been together?

Yes his behaviour is probadly caused by some deep emotions that make him feel threatened. Could lack of affection on him or knowing he will be expected to help.

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your mum. It must be heartbreaking. Each time I had a loss it showed the true character of my ExH. I took a while to learn the lesson because I took the view that they must be a plausible reason for it...there was, he wasn't a good or kind person. He was utterly selfish and hated anything not being about him.

Your mum seemed like a wise lady.

And go see your friends. Who cares what he thinks of it. It sounds like you could use their support.

Your mum didn't like him? Seems she had good judgement.

So sorry for the loss of both your mum and the loving, supportive partner you thought you had.

I am so sorry for your loss @Foxsakemum.

To echo all the other wise posters, I agree that your partner is selfishly resenting that your locus of attention is not on him. A close friend of mine lost her father in her late twenties to brain cancer and her husband complained about how long they spent at his funeral. This wasn’t an isolated incident but indicative of his general self absorbed selfishness. She has since divorced him and is much happier.
You mentioned that All my friends have been so supportive and I am so grateful for that but I don't feel I can accept their offers of meeting up etc as I know he wont like it. Please, please seek support from your friends regardless of whether your partner likes it or not. You may find that once this busy period is over the grief hits you like a tonne of bricks. Your partner has no reason not to ‘like’ you meeting up with friends, this is unreasonable and controlling. Are you going to inherit anything from your mum? Is your partner jealous of this of worried this will give you the resources you need to leave?

Your Mum got it right.

What an absolute tosser. At this very hard time in your life and he behaves like this? Me Me Me.

Just get rid, grief is awful. How is he going to help you get through it?

Sorry about your Mum
Is he generally self-absorbed? It sounds like he’s pissed off that the attention needs to be on you. Like you’ve had your allocated time and it should be back to him.

FWIW I took 3 months off after my Mum died. My work was close to home and it took a lot to get me back to work. My sister took 4 days including the funeral. No judgement either way, we did what was right for us at the time. DH was only my boyfriend then but he rang me every day about 12 noon on his lunch break to check I was okay. He cooked for me, he let me cry on him (so much we had a running joke about wet t-shirts). He’s not perfect by any stretch but he was totally there for me.

If I was in your position, I would sort the funeral and whatever else you do. Lean on your friends (because you can’t lean on him). Then when the dust has settled and you’re ready, get yourself together and leave.

So sorry you’re going through this op, it’s very hard to lose a parent and that’s even when you have a good supportive partner. I think if you had doubts before, he’s hardly redeemed himself with his current behaviour and, if you were planning a life with him, imagine getting old or unwell and having to rely on him. Will that bore him too? That to me is what you should base your next move on.
It does rather sound like you could be on your own there too, he’s not kind or reliable.
Be kind to yourself, lean on siblings and friends to help get you through the funeral and the initial shock of all this

Thank you for all your kind words of support everyone. Unfortunately things are not any better today & he is still not speaking to me. I feel I have no choice but to end the relationship. I am not prepared to be treated this way, at what is undoubtedly the worst time of my life - for absolutely no reason at all. It's just a matter of timing now. Many thanks again for all of your kind words and support it has given me untold strength for what lies ahead.

My sincere condolences. I lost my mother very suddenly in early thirties, I’d already lost my father too.
I had been married for 10 years when my mother passed away - my husband’s behaviour and unpleasant attitude at that terrible time was an epiphany and I left him a few months later. Before, I would have said marriage was okay. Life is too short to put up with someone who does not support. I’m so sorry.

Losing my DM was an absolute sea change for me and a lot of my friends had the same experience. It puts your whole life into perspective. In your case it has shown you what this man is really like and that you will be better off alone. You don’t have to make any sudden moves though, and for your DDs sake it may be better to wait a bit, not to reconsider the desired outcome but to give yourself time to catch your breath and be ready to support DD.

I’m so sorry you have lost your mum OP 💐

@Foxsakemum

I'm so very sorry you are going through so many difficult things at once. You must be devastated at the loss of your lovely-sounding, wise mother, having to cope with all the funeral arrangements, etc (hard enough a task without anything else - I've been through that), everyday life, your daughter and now an unsupportive, sulky man.

What you are going through is hard enough without a selfish "partner" without the emotional intelligence to at least pretend to do the right thing.

I see you've decided you can no longer put up with this situation and you are absolutely right. Also importantly, your mother saw right through him and SHE, bless her, was SO right.

She was also right in saying:
"life is too short to be miserable"

Listen to the wise advice and, as soon as the time is right, make a happier future for yourself and your child.

Take strength from your siblings and friends IRL to get the support you need and there's always us to talk to whenever you need.

You have some tough days to face but you can DO this. Take care my dear. 🌷

I’m really sorry he’s still being a cold hearted, self centred sod. You probably would find life much easier to come to terms with without him. Your mum will be applauding you. There’s just no point in a partner that you can’t lean on during tough times.

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum

The situation has highlighted who he is. He is angry that you now have evidence, whereas before, you may have bumbled along, pushing your instinctive negative thoughts to the side to prioritise looking after your DD. So basically he is a shit.

I would file for divorce tomorrow (Monday). That way, if you inherit from your mum, his lazy little fingers hopefully won't be able to take half from you. Protect your mum's legacy from him. Sorry to be blunt

@Foxsakemum

Thank you for all your kind words of support everyone. Unfortunately things are not any better today & he is still not speaking to me. I feel I have no choice but to end the relationship. I am not prepared to be treated this way, at what is undoubtedly the worst time of my life - for absolutely no reason at all. It's just a matter of timing now. Many thanks again for all of your kind words and support it has given me untold strength for what lies ahead.

I’m so so sorry to hear about your mum OP and his utterly shameful reaction won’t be making things any easier.

When my mum died I thanked god I was single as I didn’t need to deal with anyone else’s shit IYSWIM?

I’m very impressed and proud that you have made the decision to get rid. For me, I would do it ASAP so you can almost grieve for two things at once; I know it doesn’t work like that but why prolong something that’s going to end anyway?

Once again, I’m so sorry. What a shit time xxx

I am so sorry, it takes a very selfish individual to be so uncaring at this time.

God, what a lot you've been through. I'm so sorry about your mum. I'm glad you're binning him off, he sounds downright awful. Selfish and unfeeling don't seem strong enough words.

Your life will be so much better without him dragging you down.

The way he is treating you is cruel. Not speaking to you? I agree that I could not forgive him after this.

SummerWhisper
I would file for divorce tomorrow (Monday).
I don't think the OP is married? She refers to her partner as "DP" in the title and opening post.

Seen your update. Sorry you're going through this.💐
Time to take off the rosy specs I'm afraid. He cares only for himself.

So sorry you have lost your lovely mum. She would be so proud of your choices and so sad you aren’t with someone better.
There is no coming back from being let down like this, it cannot be redeemed. You are free to focus on your friends and daughter, to build a future that will be better.
Take as much time of work as possible and let your friends look after you. Take care

It took the death of my friends mum for her to finally leave her DH. They had a dreadful relationship and he was selfish too. He should be your rock atm- he really has shown you who he is...hugs from me

He should be supporting you, not making it about him - unforgivable. That would be it for me. Sorry for your loss OP