DP response to mums death

[Foxsakemum]

Hi all, I lost my mum very suddenly & unexpectedly last week. I now have no living parents and I am only in my early thirties although I do have siblings which I am thankful for. When I received the phone call that my mum would not survive (she had been in icu for one night prior) DP was here & was initially supportive. However, since then I have been extremely busy sorting out her affairs, organising funeral & catching up with my siblings about various odds and ends and he seems resentful of this. We have one dd together who was extremely close to her gran and had been upset also. It almost seems like he thinks I should be over it by now although we haven't even had the funeral yet! Today I arranged to meet a friend for a walk (with dd) and he went in a mood and wouldn't speak to me, I paid no attention to this but when I got home the same thing continued. He is now in a different room and not talking to me at all. Is this a normal response to a grieving partner!? I have lost my only parent and have been extremely upset however the past 2 days I've not been crying etc and he also made a comment I should be back at work next week. I don't feel ready and also now dont feel comfortable staying at home. Fortunately I am on full pay in a secure job & he is furloughed on full pay so it's not a financial strain. I cannot fathom his response and feel like telling him the relationship is over however I realise my responses may be sensitive at the moment. Many thanks.

OP,

I am sorry for your loss. Leave deciding what to do about your DP for another time. Just do what you need to do for now & feel how you want to feel. And please do arrange to meet with your friends regardless of his moods. You deserve some sympathy & kindness & most especially as it is so lackkng at home.

Get rid of him op he sounds a heartless knob sorry for you're loss

I'm sorry for your loss.. Leave him..

Imo it would be honouring your dm's wishes to get rid of him..
When my dgm was in icu my now exh tried to bully me to ask her dd who she lived with for petrol money- for all the trips i was making to the hospital to see her! When dgm died he didn't even offer to take a day off to attend the funeral or even watch our dc..
Exh.

Your mum sounds lovely.

He feels left out. Try and include him in whatever way you can. I have been in his position and felt the same, and had the same emotional response (tried to hide it a bit better though!)

You'll know that if you leave your partner your mum will be cheering you on in spirit. She didn't like him, and it sounds as if she was right in her judgement.

@coronafiona it really isn't acceptable for a partner to go into a sulk while their other half is in the early stages of grieving for a parent. It isn't about him and it shouldn't be up to her to try and bolster his feelings of being 'left out'. He isn't five.

Very sorry to hear about your mum OP. Hope the funeral goes OK. I won’t add to what others have said about your partner but hope the right decision emerges

That's an interesting viewpoint @coronafiona how should I include him? He isn't interested. I think he may feel because I'm not crying now (in his sight anyway) that I'm okay. Which is totally fine. However, it isn't fine to go in moods and not speak to me and ask me 'what's up with you now?' And spend the whole night in a separate room. I honestly feel that I will never ever forgive him for this. @Gingaaarghpussy that's the same as my mum, facetimed me on Friday as normal & was on life support that night and never woke. I'm sorry you've been through the same. @KentuckyBlueberry she really was. I can only hope to live my life the way she would want now. Her only wish was for us all to be happy. She had no desire for wealth or fancy things- just for us to be happy and decent people.

I would give him what for op. What a frikkin selfish twat. Seriously tell him to get fucked. But maybe after the funeral.
So sorry about your mum. You sound really strong and brave. Get through the next few weeks and then think long term. (I know what I'd do tho!)
But please dont put up with his shit in the meantime.

My ex H was like this when my Mum had a heart attack. Bored to tears with the whole thing and told me my voice was irritating him because I sounded sad and shocked when I told him. He has a diagnosed personality disorder.

Your partner is a selfish unfeeling bastard.
If he’s bored, give him the cooking, cleaning & shopping to do.

You are seeing the real person in him now, how he acts at times of stress or disaster. He’s not offering you emotional support or care or even practical help.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum, you sound as though you are getting through it all on autopilot. Take care of yourself, it may all suddenly hit you immediately after the funeral. Only go back to work when you feel ready.

He's behaving like a prize twat. My GM died a few years (she and my GF raised me) and my DP held me while I cried and did anything he could to help me get through it. The absolute least he should be doing right now is not behaving how he is, and certainly not acting like you should just 'get over it'.

He's an absolute arsehole.

I am so so sorry to hear this, you sound lovely, and you should not be going through this with him.

My DH is not particularly good with emotional talk (understatement) but when my parents died, he showed a side of himself that was so kind and lovely and that's the way it should be. It actually surprised me how kind he was. He just let me be me, and picked up the pieces with my DCs and stuff. It meant I could get through it slowly but surely.

At this early stage, you must concentrate on you and what you and your little one wants. He's an adult, he can cope. Think about yourself and what you need. Shut him out if needs be, that sounds mean, but it's you that is grieving. Then take time when you have grieved some to decide what you want to do with your life. And your relationship.

My DP didn't even get on with my GM but he was still there for me when I needed him. That's what a loving partner does. Not this.

Sending you huge hugs, his crap is the last thing you need to be dealing with right now on top of everything else you're handling right now x

As a counsellor, I'll say this: "boredom" always hides something else. It's a defence mechanism. His lack of interest is unconsciously deliberate. In some way, this is a terrible threat to him, and it may have absolutely nothing to do with you, or your mother, or her death.

And I'm sorry you're going through this

"I think I need some time to grieve with DD. You need to go stay with your parents for a while." Would be my response.
If he's being totally useless and attention seeking, then he can seek their attention instead.
You need to go through the 9 stages of grief and your DD sounds more supportive than the other adult in the house!

Downton57 foxsakemum sorry, I didn't explain very well. In my case, I felt left out because I wanted to help and support but i was superfluous. So give home something to do/ book flowers, catering, arrange printing... whatever. So in some small way he too can help and show you that he cares, if that makes sense. I found it hard to be superfluous, it wasn't a nice feeling. Equally, I couldn't articulate or explain it very well - as pp have said, it can come across as sulking and selfish at the most inappropriate time.
But that was my experience, it may not be his- I just shared in case it helped. I hope you find peace and comfort OP.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him he’s being a let down and you need more support from a partner- see if it shakes him into stepping up. You’re very young to be going through this and he probably won’t have much experience of death either.

Otherwise take the advice that your mum left you. You already had leaving him in your head. You can have that future without him. But you don’t have to do it all this minute.

On an aside, one of my best friend’s dad died and her husband was bloody awful and unsupportive. They came really close to splitting up. She really should’ve done it. Two years later she died of cancer and he was just as useless and unsupportive then too. ☹️

I have still been doing the shopping, cooking meals etc and looking after dd when not dealing with anything directly related to my mum. So its not like I'm lying in a ball crying 24/7

So even though he is furloughed and you are busy arranging the funeral, you are still doing all the housework and childcare ????

He sounds delightful

If he cannot be there for you now there is no hope.
I agree when you feel strong enough leave him in the knowledge that your dm would be happy for you. I am glad at least you are getting the support you need from elsewhere.

OP that’s pretty awful. I’ve lost both parents and the waves of grief and fallout from sorting the estate and the possessions goes on and on and on.

He’s not even working so is in the perfect position to support you. It doesn’t sound like a great role model for your Dd to see.

I can’t believe he dared to mention boredom.
You are not his support human. You don’t have to do anything right now but no, you are not being sensitive.

I’m sorry for your loss.

A friend said she finally realised her marriage was over when they visited her DM for what was very likely to be last time (advanced cancer). He complained about how long the visit had taken and how late they would be to get home. Tosser.

Indeed, it seems some delightful people show their true colours in these circumstances.

Whilst it seems strange he can’t see the bleedin’ obvious, have you explained how you are filled with grief, and will be for months yet?

Ok, having read your updates I think I was too generous to him in my earlier post. He just doesn’t sound kind.

Don’t let him stop you from meeting friends or taking as much time off work as you need. It might take a while to get your ducks in a row but you can start living your life independently from him right now. He’s no right to stop you getting the support you need from wherever you need it.