DP response to mums death

[Foxsakemum]

Hi all, I lost my mum very suddenly & unexpectedly last week. I now have no living parents and I am only in my early thirties although I do have siblings which I am thankful for. When I received the phone call that my mum would not survive (she had been in icu for one night prior) DP was here & was initially supportive. However, since then I have been extremely busy sorting out her affairs, organising funeral & catching up with my siblings about various odds and ends and he seems resentful of this. We have one dd together who was extremely close to her gran and had been upset also. It almost seems like he thinks I should be over it by now although we haven't even had the funeral yet! Today I arranged to meet a friend for a walk (with dd) and he went in a mood and wouldn't speak to me, I paid no attention to this but when I got home the same thing continued. He is now in a different room and not talking to me at all. Is this a normal response to a grieving partner!? I have lost my only parent and have been extremely upset however the past 2 days I've not been crying etc and he also made a comment I should be back at work next week. I don't feel ready and also now dont feel comfortable staying at home. Fortunately I am on full pay in a secure job & he is furloughed on full pay so it's not a financial strain. I cannot fathom his response and feel like telling him the relationship is over however I realise my responses may be sensitive at the moment. Many thanks.

OP I’m so terribly sorry for your loss .

I’m blown away by how capable you are and your clarity of thinking during this distressing time .
You are quite obviously an exceptionally warm and caring person but also very strong and well able to tackle life . Your mother would be so proud of you .

Your mother was correct in disliking this awful selfish man .

Take time to grieve and look after yourself and get through the next few weeks and then think seriously about moving on without him .

If you cannot rely on him now at the worst time .. really what is the point of him .
He gives no support and instead adds to your current challenges with his childish behaviour. You deserve so much more .

I wish you all the best for the future

Well done on ending the relationship, OP. He's one of those tossers where they have to be the focus of your attention at all times. I bet he was envious of your children too.

Sorry about your mum

So sorry for your loss. My DH has just lost his dad and I am helped him with the funeral and paperwork and anything else I could think of. That’s what partners do. Go and see your friends , who cares what he thinks . And it might seem like bad timing but if he can’t support you now then in fact he is an extra burden to you so if you can get him to move out .

@babbi thank you for your lovely words they made me cry, in a good way! I feel drained anyway but all of this is making it so much worse. He has now left the house for the day - no discussion just said he will be back later as I was showering. My DD thankfully seems unaware of the atmosphere so far. I would ideally like for him to leave today however I am concerned of the impact on our DD. I do potentially stand to inherit some money from my mum as she does qualify for death in service from her employer- however I'm not sure the value etc (and it doesn't really matter) but it is interesting some posters feel he would be threatened by this. We discussed separating 6months or so ago and decided to give things another go but its clearly not working anyway. I am genuinely shocked at his behaviour during this time- mainly as I cannot fathom behaving like this myself!? However, I believe my mum has given me the strength I need to make a life for myself & DD now. You are all right she would be so proud of me.

So sorry for your loss OP. I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you xx

Your mum would be so proud xxxxxxx

I cannot fathom his response and feel like telling him the relationship is over however

I am sorry for your loss OP. I can understand why! He's awful. You deserve better.

He feels left out. Try and include him in whatever way you can. I have been in his position and felt the same, and had the same emotional response

Really? I suppose at least you admit to being a twat selfish person too. Delightful.

I feel I have no choice but to end the relationship. I am not prepared to be treated this way, at what is undoubtedly the worst time of my life - for absolutely no reason at all.

Thank goodness! You're so strong. He's doing you a favour really. It doesn't feel like that now of course, but being free of him will be marvelous!

separate now and try to keep your inheritance separate if you predict you might see some. That will help you get a fresh start. The uncaring bastard shouldn't be hoping for any.

I am sorry for your very sad loss.

To behave so appallingly shows he has nothing but contempt for you.

Your DM was a very wise women.

All my friends have been so supportive and I am so grateful for that but I don't feel I can accept their offers of meeting up etc as I know he wont like it.

What he "likes" doesn't matter now, you NEED support, don't deny yourself this comfort because he's behaving so badly. Get your friends around you and DD as much as YOU need it.

Foxsakemum I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum

I left an ex I’d been with for five years because of behaving like this when my grand father died. He was like a father figure to me.

I remember rushing round the house when I found out grabbing my things trying to get to my grandmother. When I got to the door to leave my ex was stood there crying. When I asked why he was crying he said it was because he was scared I was going to leave him to move in with my grandmother.

I dont know how I didn’t punch him in that moment. The sheer selfishness was ridiculous. He also got upset over funeral arrangements which had absolutely fuck all to do with him and didn’t effect him in any way.

I did leave because he had revealed himself to be an absolute uncaring selfish attention seeking twat. ( which tbh I knew anyway but this defined it.

Get rid of him. This is just the end of this chapter.

OP, this is such an upsetting thread to read.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

What an unbelievable shock.

His behaviour is completely unforgivable and it does indeed sound like your darling mother had the measure of him.

He is most certainly not in your corner and has really shown you EXACTLY who he is.

Draw strength from how much your mum loved you and reach out to friends and family.

Hes a tosser, waster and a selfish prick.

Do NOT waste a minute further on him.

Life can only be better without him.

Your mum would indeed be proud of you.

So very sorry.

Ultimately it sounds as though this relationship is doomed and this has been the catalyst to you making the decision. Am so sorry to hear of your mum's passing, it is such a difficult time and only compounded by a selfish twat of a husband. I think the death of a loved one often makes you re-evaluate life, I remember just one month after the passing of my GM I it became crystal clear to me that my partner had to go, I used my inheritance to buy him out, she would have been proud
Good luck to you and your daughter xx

You must be in a state of deep shock that is v numbing and confusing right now. You have so much energy and mental space just absorbing this blind siding situation and you have so much practical stuff to do with arrangements.

Focus on those activities for now, do your Mum proud for the funeral. But once it’s over I suspect your shock will turn to anger and rage with him. But you know he really isn’t worth your energy - this will just hurt you more. You are in for a tough grief journey over the next year - you need support to focus on your major loss not the distraction of some nasty, sulky, toxic, little man.

You have lovely supportive friends because you are a lovely supportive person - lean in to them for your comfort - they will want to give it - let them.

I hope that you can honour your mother and your own grief without someone disrupting and disrespecting that.

I am so sorry. Your Mum sounds amazing, brave and wise.

I am certain that this has showed me who he is, however, my mum was a huge support to me and I don't know if I can end it without her support now. She always told me 'life is too short to be miserable' and she would absolutely hate, that at a time like this I'm having to waste my energy even thinking about this.
So sorry for your loss. It's horrible to lose a parent and when you lose the second one it's even worse. It happened to me last year.
Print out some phrases you can remember your Mum saying relating to breaking up with 'D'P. Stick the on your fridge so they will give you strength.
He is behaving in a really selfish manner and making the situation all about him. It's not going to get any better either. You will take a long time to come to terms with the death and he has already shown you that he is not going to support you properly. You must have had reasons for discussing separating from him with your mum before she died so therefore there were issues in the relationship and now this on top.
End it. You have enough to think about as it is.
You will find the strength to go on - I am sure of it.

I split with my ex in about 5 months before my Dad died suddenly. Dad had been supporting me through the break up (long story and there had been several break ups.. wish I hadn't burdened my poor Dad with it). I was still really struggling and crying about the break up then Dad died, no warning, nothing.
From that moment I felt much stronger and have been able to recover from the break up and not take my awful ex back despite his repeated attempts. I feel my Dad supporting me from beyond the grave - it's a strange feeling. His strength passed on to me.

I think you should separate now.
You do not need him hanging around on top of processing your grief which is very very hard.

I lost my mother and my father.
I am separated from dh now - my choice, due to his overall emotional reaction to things.
Wasn't with him when I lost my mother.
But I have to say, even though he has been an epic twat at times, when I lost my father he was there, I literally couldn't sleep eat do anything. I had six weeks of work, and even then returned gradually. He helped a lot, taking care of dc, and it made him think of losing his own dad who he is extremely close to.
We expect our friends neighbours acquaintances to show us empathy and sympathy at our loss, and they do, because it is a normal and supportive human reaction. Yet the person you are closest to, who you'd expect to take the world on for you is behaving like this, not accaeptable.

I hope you are okay op, don't rush into getting back to 'normal' whatever that is, just because of others, and there is no 'normal' after losing your mum, it's a new kind of normal, which took me a long time to adjust to. You are allowed to feel what you feel for as long as you feel it.

Do not whatever you do involve your oh in money matters. I bitterly regret l7stening to my ex when it came to my dads inheritance.
You are in the black hole of fog at the moment, until you can think clearly do not make financial decisions.
I still believe that you and your dd are better off without him, your decisions will be based on your needs not his. He will take advantage of that fog.
I sincerely hope that you have a better relationship with your siblings than I did with mine.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mum.
Your P sounds horrible and selfish.
When my dad was dying in hospital a long time ago now, my DD's father dropped me off there on New Year's Eve and said he was going out that night. When I questioned why, because I could do with him at home to look after our DD who was then four months old, he said "I've got my life to live you know." That was the beginning of the end for me.
You will be much better off without this man in your life.

@angieloumc

When I questioned why, because I could do with him at home to look after our DD who was then four months old, he said "I've got my life to live you know." That was the beginning of the end for me.
Oh my goodness. Some people are just vile. I hope he is as far out of your life as is possible. 🌷

Happynow001 he certainly is, thank goodness. I engage with him about our DD, and to be fair to him now, he is a supportive dad in some ways. However his behaviour over the years means our 15 yo isn't close to him. She has a stronger bond with my DB. And with her brothers, two of whom are 16 and 15 years older than her.

@Foxsakemum sorry about your mum. Losing your parents sucks. I lost my mum in my late 20s and my partner at the time was rather supportive looking back on it now.

Question for you regarding your possible inheritance: is he your partner or actual husband? If partner, I’d just accept the money for now and don’t make any financial decisions like a PP said. If he’s your husband, I’d file for divorce or at least separation ASAP. I’d hate for your wise mother’s money to go towards the bastard.

Your mum would want you to leave. So sorry for your loss op

I’d hate for your wise mother’s money to go towards the bastard.

Check the law on this but my understanding is that any inheritance that comes directly to you in marriage is solely yours unless and until you put into a joint family asset - eg moving house, paying off the mortgage etc. So you can keep any inheritance to do what you want with.

any inheritance that comes directly to you in marriage is solely yours unless and until you put into a joint family asset
I don't think the OP is married? She said "DP" in her original post.

Hello @Foxsakemum
Hope you are doing OK. Sending you virtual strength and a handhold.