Using sex to deal with feelings

[Lorelai101]

Just before lockdown something happened with the guy I'm seeing. I wont go into it, but he handled a situation badly. People said he was abusive and I was vulnerable and should walk away, but I really don't see it like that at all. I feel very safe with him and if I was concerned about abuse I would walk away.

But the problem is that he seems to have some sort of default mode of sex. In the above 'situation' basically I was upset and he used sex to try and make me feel better. Then, we were working through some things and he was upset, got drunk and called his ex fwb and invited her over. He says when she got there nothing happened as he realised it was stupid and sent her home but his first reaction was to have sex.
He has a tough relationship with his Dad who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He didn't want to talk about it, which I get, but he initiated sex which was quite rough like he was letting his emotions out through sex. (I was ok with it, if I wasn't I would have stopped him) Afterwards he was really apologetic and worried he had hurt me or was too rough with me. We had sex again later and he was gentle.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into the whole thing? But I'm worried its going to be a problem if his main way of communicating is through sex. We do talk, its lot like we don't communicate at all but... I don't know...I don't even know if any of this makes sense.. :(

You need to end the relationship OP. He obviously has deeply seated problems and this really doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

Lots of red flags there OP

This really really doesn't sound great op. Do you actually want to be in a relationship with someone who can't communicate and uses rough sex instead of words? Walk away before it gets really nasty.

How long have you been seeing him? Lots of drama and 'working through things'. He doesn't sound good and doesn't seem to respect women.

People said he was abusive and I was vulnerable and should walk away, but I really don't see it like that at all.

People rarely do when they are in the thick of it.

What do you think abuse looks like?

Well , don't put more detail on here than you're comfortable with but if "people" are saying what happened could be abusive then I wouldn't discount that.

The rough sex that he apologised for. Actually , the apology worries me .... This shows that he was aware while he was being overly rough but he didn't check with you or calm himself down... I don't think this man has your feelings in his mind as a priority at all. I don't think he cares about you as a person tbh. I'm sorry , what I just said is hurtful.

The calling the fwb.... That's a situation you walk away from . No more questions asked. He has no respect for you at all, you deserve so much better than this.

( he has no respect for the fwb either which isn't your problem but hints at a possible wider problem of misogyny)

I'm sorry about his father but nobody gets to behave the way your bf has, not with any justification or defence.

He's done something abusive and tried to cheat on you already - why are you still wasting time with him?

Nope. Get rid now or live to regret it.

It's not completely abnormal though is it? Is it not quite a typical man thing? 'Men don't talk about feelings' etc. I know there's more to it than that but...?

The 'drama' was caused by me in the first place. And the 'working through things' was in relation to the 'drama'.

I feel I'm putting him across in a bad light and this is just a tiny tiny snapshot of our relationship. Do I really just 'give up' on my relationship because of this?

He's not physically abusive and I certainly don't feel controlled by him in anyway....

He. Planned. To. Cheat. On. You.
No it's not normal for men to aggressively anger fuck you when they are sad about their dad.

“He. Planned. To. Cheat. On. You.
No it's not normal for men to aggressively anger fuck you when they are sad about their dad.”

This.

He is taking the piss out of you. Find some self respect and never contact him again!

Last two posts. In buckets.
He has chosen you for a reason cos you seem to have no or loose boundaries around his behaviour. Men like this find the vulnerable women.

Oh, and next time it won't be because of his dad. It will be he's stressed, his job, his life is hard etc etc etc
There will always be a reason.
And you don't honestly believe he sent the fwb home?

Wow, I'm not gonna get defensive, but wow.... :(

You ok OP?

Do you really believe he sent the FWB home again?

I think you know there's a lot wrong here.

It's not completely abnormal though is it? Is it not quite a typical man thing?

OP, I'm assuming you're pretty young and maybe don't have much experience, but this is really not normal behaviour. Typical men do not have aggressive sex or cheat on you (he absolutely fucked her, btw, get an STI check as soon as you can) when they're sad.

This sounds like there are lot of things wrong. You come across as vulnerable and u think he's taking full advantage of that. He has trouble controlling his emotions and I don't even think he knows what he wants.

Break my heart on a Saturday night.
Maybe I am naive with no self respect, deluded that this guy likes me for who I am. I asked, I got my answer.
I do believe he sent her home. Why would he even tell me about it if he was hiding something? I get he messed up and it's not ok, but I don't know I'm prepared to throw it all away because of it.

I get he messed up and it's not ok, but I don't know I'm prepared to throw it all away because of it.

Throw it away now, when it's just rough sex and cheating, or wait a year til it's rape, and then you'll be in so deep you'll find it almost impossible to leave.

In the above 'situation' basically I was upset and he used sex to try and make me feel better.

You didn't want sex then, so that is rape OP.

He also nearly cheated on you, or maybe he did. I'm sure he will at some point.

He's scary and sleazy.

It's not completely abnormal though is it? Is it not quite a typical man thing?

Being rapey and sleazy? It's fairly common but we don't have to be involved with these men.

The 'drama' was caused by me in the first place

No, he had a choice in how he acted, he didn't have to respond with rape.

Do I really just 'give up' on my relationship because of this?

Rape, and nearly cheating on you, or probably actually cheating on you? It's your choice but I wouldn't really say this is relationship 'goals.' You could find a decent guy who doesn't do this.

He's not physically abusive

Oh, but he is.

I certainly don't feel controlled by him in anyway

He's shagged you when you didn't want it, and at other times in ways you didn't enjoy and he knew you wouldn't enjoy, that's why he apologized afterwards as he knew he was doing stuff sexually that was unpleasant for you.

He controls you sexually a) when he forced you into sex you didn't want and b) The calling another woman over for sex is by implication telling you that if you don't give it he'll get it somewhere else (in fact, he probably will cheat on you whether you have sex with him/he rapes you or not.)

But I'm worried its going to be a problem if his main way of communicating is through sex

He's not communicating anything with the weird sex incidents you mention except he is a sexual sadist who gets off on hurting you or shagging you when you don't want it.

Exactly what CodenameVillanelle said ^^

It’s not normal, get rid now.

@Lorelai101 Many of us have been there and it’s very hard, but these men don’t change and I can guarantee that you’ll be better off without him.

He didn't rape me.
If it come across that way, I've not worded it correctly.
He didn't do anything I didn't consent to.