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Relationships

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Original poster

Using sex to deal with feelings

99 replies

Lorelai101 · 20/06/2020 20:55

Just before lockdown something happened with the guy I'm seeing. I wont go into it, but he handled a situation badly. People said he was abusive and I was vulnerable and should walk away, but I really don't see it like that at all. I feel very safe with him and if I was concerned about abuse I would walk away.

But the problem is that he seems to have some sort of default mode of sex. In the above 'situation' basically I was upset and he used sex to try and make me feel better. Then, we were working through some things and he was upset, got drunk and called his ex fwb and invited her over. He says when she got there nothing happened as he realised it was stupid and sent her home but his first reaction was to have sex.
He has a tough relationship with his Dad who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He didn't want to talk about it, which I get, but he initiated sex which was quite rough like he was letting his emotions out through sex. (I was ok with it, if I wasn't I would have stopped him) Afterwards he was really apologetic and worried he had hurt me or was too rough with me. We had sex again later and he was gentle.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into the whole thing? But I'm worried its going to be a problem if his main way of communicating is through sex. We do talk, its lot like we don't communicate at all but... I don't know...I don't even know if any of this makes sense.. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorelai101 · 27/06/2020 19:38

I'm just writing this here cos I feel I need to let it out somewhere.
He said he understands how he's hurt me. He knows he has an issue. Apparently he is going to look into seeing someone about his attitude to sex and emotions!! I'm not sure I believe that at all.
He says when he was upset about his Dad he had this intense need for me, to 'have' me. He admits he was rough because he was letting out his anger and upset and in the moment he struggled to control himself.
The fwb thing, he still insists nothing happened. She got to his, he realised it was wrong, she wasn't me, blah blah blah. Says he felt like he needed to fuck away his emotions! And of course 'he was drunk'.
The panic attack thing was about him trying to take control of the situation. I wanted to hurt myself, he wasn't going to let that happen, so he was trying to turn my need for pain into pleasure and in a safe way. He has never been controlling over me in our relationship. Certainly not in any obvious way I have noticed.
Other than these incidents our sex life was great and very normal. He was very selfless in bed, very giving. He usually took the lead, but I enjoyed that. He often talked about how much he got off on the way my body responded to his touch, like my reactions were the main thing that turned him on.
I've never seen him particularly angry, and certainly not to the point of being concerned. He's actually very calm and in control. So it is hard for me to associate the loving, gentle man, with the one that sometimes seems incapable of controlling himself. Its like 2 different people.
I also suspect that he was in some sort of BDSM type relationship with his fwb but we haven't discussed it.
He says he loves me and is not giving up on me, but is giving me space like I've asked. He has actually been very respectful of that. He's not tried to call or message. Just sent a couple of emails.
I dont really know why he is persuing this, why he wont just let it go. He would have no trouble finding someone else. I wouldn't chase him. It would be over. But I think I know how this ends because I'm so much weaker than I like to think I am... I know I'm annoying- like when you're screaming at the TV! But it feels so very different when you are the one living it. Its suddenly not so black and white and I keep going round in circles.

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 27/06/2020 19:48

He says he loves me and is not giving up on me, but is giving me space like I've asked

OP, you need to block him.

And the rough sex and turning your distress in to sex was controlling- he didn't acknowledge you as a person with the rough sex, and with the twisting your having a panic attack into sex he wasn't addressing what you needed and in fact seemed to resent it.

We've all said he would try to charm you round. This is what he's doing now with every tactic that he can think of. That's why you need to block.

Jennifer2r · 27/06/2020 19:54

The rough sex stuff is actually quite scary.

I really enjoy rough sex. I enjoy it when it's been discussed and agreed on beforehand and when the person I'm with understands that it's an opt in activity, every time.

If I was with someone who lost control of their emotions and fucked me like that without talking about it and agreeing it first? That would really scare me.

Regularsizedrudy · 28/06/2020 11:16

Jesus. In a few years you’re going to look back at this and kick yourself. He’s “not giving up on you” because you are easy to control sex on tap. You think he’s being honest and open with you but every one else on here can see right through it. He’s telling you what you want to hear, the conversation you describe is so manipulative it makes me cringe.

Original poster

Lorelai101 · 09/07/2020 14:14

What the fuck is wrong with me? I genuinely disturb myself. I cant have this shit going on in my life, I have kids.. :(

He text to let me know his Dad had passed away. I know they had a difficult relationship so I think he had mixed feelings about it all. I asked if he needed anything etc but he didn't reply.
In the evening his friend sent a message asking if I was free to go and check on him as he'd just had to leave him but he was drunk and in a bad way.
Stupid me is worried about him so off I go to his.
I got there, he told me to leave. He said he was incapable of being gentle with me right now. He threw a glass at the wall next to me. I told him I didn't believe he would hurt me. I said he didn't have to talk about anything, I would just sit here with him. He told me if I didn't leave he would end up pinning me to the ground and raping me. I told him it wouldn't be rape. We could have sex. It didn't have to be violent. I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. He told me that he loved me. He cried. We had sex. He wasn't rough. We went to bed and had more sex. I couldn't get enough of him....
So I conclude I am just as fucked up as he is. I don't even know what I was thinking. I cant even explain it in my mind. Did I actually want him to hurt me?? If he had pinned me down and got rough, would I actually have enjoyed it?? He was telling me he couldn't control himself and I was goading him. Why? Why was I doing that? What the hell is wrong with me?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 09/07/2020 14:52

Oh my god just stop, this is absurd
Block him and block his friends and get some therapy

BertiesLanding · 09/07/2020 15:08

Please seek out some therapy, OP.

Aerial2020 · 09/07/2020 16:18

Stay away from him and seek therapy.

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/07/2020 17:24

Why was I doing that? What the hell is wrong with me

I'm not entirely sure OP but I think you need intensive therapy tbh.

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/07/2020 17:27

That's not me trying to be spiteful

This man is sexual assault material but if you insist on carrying it on then there isn't really anything we can do.

I'm seriously concerned for your kids tbh.

Original poster

Lorelai101 · 09/07/2020 17:46

You think I'm a danger to my kids?
He's never been around them.

OP posts:

Aerial2020 · 09/07/2020 18:08

Are you trying to hurt yourself?

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/07/2020 18:57

He's emotionally retarded and sadistic, you don't seem entirely stable or capable of making logical decisions you know are for the best, for yourself and therefore your family.

I don't know what to tell you OP?

Mistystar99 · 09/07/2020 18:59

Can see why the first thread was deleted now. Badly written porn, OP. Having fun are we?

Aerial2020 · 09/07/2020 19:00

Please don't say retarded 🙄

BertiesLanding · 09/07/2020 19:08

"Retarded" in that case is completely acceptable, imo. If you look up the definition, it means "less advanced". It isn't always used to describe mental health.

Aerial2020 · 09/07/2020 19:19

Oh ffs

Russellbrandshair · 09/07/2020 19:22

No. This isn’t about using sex to deal with feelings. This is about him being an abusive prick and you should leave before this escalates and he hurts you.
Get out now.

Lovemusic33 · 09/07/2020 21:22

OP, this guy sounds very similar to my ex, I was you a few years ago , please don’t feel sorry for him, run for the hills and don’t look back.

Original poster

Lorelai101 · 09/07/2020 22:21

I think I wanted to test him. To push him to see if he really would physically hurt me. To see if he was capable of it. And if he did I could walk away knowing I was 1 million percent making the right choice. But he didn't. It was a disgusting thing to say to me and no sane person would want to be with someone who threatened to rape them but I think he was just trying to scare me away. I think I really hurt him with some of the things I've said the last few weeks and made him feel shit, putting it all on him. Especially at a time when I knew he was going through something awful with his Dad. I feel like I just ignored that and made it all about me.
I sometimes get a bit hysterical and overthink/over analyse things and it becomes a big drama in my head so I post it on here when I probably shouldn't. I know people here have been through dreadful things, worse than I could even imagine. And I listen to what people say and it gets in my head. It adds to my anxiety. I start feeling like I cant trust myself and my own judgement.
I get this isn't the right place to be posting this stuff and these are conversations I should be having with a professional.
And if anyone has got turned on by the 'badly written porno' of my life then... I really don't know what to say...
Look out for me in a porno coming soon titled- 'Lorelai tells boyfriend to rape her' and 'Lorelai gets an anger bang'

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/07/2020 22:57

I don't think that you can trust your own judgement if you think for a second this twisted individual is a suitable step father for your children.

I think you've posted on here because your friends know he's not right in the head, and tell you so. You expected us to tell you it's a 'man thing' when in reality it's nothing if the sort.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship in fairness. Your perception of the whole matter is very skewed.

Aerial2020 · 09/07/2020 23:06

What makes you think he's not capable of it? He's already hurt you.
I think whatever people respond with, you will defend him somehow. (His dad dying is nothing to do with threatening to rape you) Like somehow you think he wouldn't do that to you because you're different? He's not all that bad? Which makes me think he's already manipulating & abusing you.
The only way out of it is professional help. You need to see a therapist to understand why you keep putting yourself in harm's way like this, not just physically. The drama & the attention you get from him. Why you are drawn to a man like this.

SoulofanAggron · 09/07/2020 23:20

I knew a bloke once and I thought if I was up for sex with him he couldn't rape me. He still found a way to do it! So don't think that if you fancy him or are up for sex you can't be raped.

And being raped will not just effect you- it'll fuck you up and one way or another that'll effect your children. They're your responsibility, not this random guy

It was a disgusting thing to say to me and no sane person would want to be with someone who threatened to rape them but I think he was just trying to scare me away.

Why take the risk OP? Men don't say that, unless they're dangerous and/or disturbed.

I think I really hurt him with some of the things I've said the last few weeks and made him feel shit, putting it all on him. Especially at a time when I knew he was going through something awful with his Dad. I feel like I just ignored that and made it all about me.

Just block him OP and stop the guilt. He's not your problem. And no, of course you shouldn'tve kept quiet about him being rapey or whatever- you're a person too, and equally important as him.

Pesimistic · 13/07/2020 07:56

You felt it was weird, it was and is weird. His man does not have a healthy relationship with his emotions, women or sex. This sounds dangerous

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