Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

I don't know if it's just my culture, but I love it when everyone really enjoys the food I make and I always make extra, just in case anyone is hungry or wants to take some home for their partner. If everything was eaten in one go, I'd definitely worry I hadn't made enough. I usually have leftovers and enjoy them the next day. When cooking for a group you always have either a bit too much or not quite enough, and I'd always rather over cater.

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock Is your friend a mouse?!!!

Obviously he has an issue with food which is a separate thing altogether, but if it were me I'd serve up enough food so that he and you didn't get embarrassed, and there was enough for everyone, as the actual event isn't the time for a confrontation about it. But yep, definitely something to talk to him about, in a calm way when the pressure is off.

@serendipity I'm the same, always masses of leftovers. My friends bring Tupperware now to take home 😂

I’d say the only thing you can realistically do is say quite clearly “please make sure you take whatever you want as DH will eat EVERYTHING that’s left”

That would be an awful thing to do. Imagine if a woman came on mumsnet to say her husband had said that.
It sounds more like disordered eating than just pure greed. It'll be difficult by when you're both calm and won't be interrupted or might be worth talking to him about it. It's a very odd thing to do and maybe he struggles around food and needs help.

He had a big portion but I wouldn't say it was obscene for a party.

Always over-cater, but you catered very specifically, especially if you know you have at least one big eater involved.

Agree with the person saying he may go into small child mode because of his mum. she may have only allowed one plate so he has to get everything he might want in that one sweep.

Either way you need to communicate in private and not embarrass your guests by belittling him. You need to 'hurt his feelings' and ask if you can come up with a strategy. Ie, he takes half of what he usually would and can go back for more when he's finished after asking if anyone else wants more.

Nope, still don’t think it’s disordered eating, or greed, or anything like that. I do however agree with PP that the OP is abusive.

Imagine the following:

“We had some friends round today and I put the food out and then went back inside for something. When I came back out everyone had their plates so I served myself a portion. My DH then commented on the fact that I had clearly taken too much and then started suggesting I was greedy. I was so embarrassed and felt belittled in front of my friends.

I wonder how many of the posters would be telling the OP they had an eating disorder, needed help or was a greedy pig. And I wonder how many would be telling her that she was in an abusive relationship and to LTB.

FWIW when I was growing up we had a friend of my dad’s to stay.

In the morning my mum cooked breakfast and he ate:

Six sausages, six eggs, six rashers of bacon and half a loaf of bread toasted. now that is greed. .

Food is a primal thing, and to be shamed over it is very personal.

My eXH shamed me once for eating a steak the wrong way in a restaurant. It was one of those steaks with a piece of fat running through the middle and I was struggling to cut it and and he became quieter and quieter until he admitted that he was embarrassed by the way I ate. I left virtually the whole steak because i was so ashamed that I was clearly so much of an embarrassment to him.

To be fair to him this was when we were both much younger, but I never forgot it.

Not nearly enough food.

1.5 pittas when that is the only carb option is pitiful.

1.5 chicken breasts is also a bit meany mouthed. Sorry OP. We would have left a bit peckish - especially if it was a long day with drinking.

In some regards, though, the husband did the right thing in that he waited for everyone to help themselves before he went to the table. He assumed that the other diners had taken as much as they wanted, perhaps.He isn't a mind reader.

In future I would cater more lavishly and ask your DH to take no more than half of what remains, once others have served themselves.

This story reminds me of a wedding reception we once attended. The bride (a work colleague) married a Trinidadian bouncer.

The trestle tables groaned with the weight of the red snapper and goat curry provided for the wedding breakfast.
We took our place in line, behind a number of the groom's work friends all of whom were MASSIVE.
By the time we reached the front of the queue there was sod all left to eat! The curry smelled fabulous too.

Similar to Receptacle ... I'm a size 10, exercise a lot, weight train etc but I'm only 5'2.. I'd not ever dream of eating my fill or more than my share IF there was clearly not enough for it but, 1.5 pittas wouldn't be enough to fill me. You did under cater.

That amount of food I'd expect if I had been invited for nibbles and drinks not a meal.

For context I was at a bbq yesterday and it was going all day with people offered different types of food meat veggies corn on the cob etc.. loads of bread rolls pitta and wraps to choose from and more in the cupboards/freezer in case anyone needed.

If you think everyone's going to eat 1.5 pittas that to me is a small portion not even a normal one at a bbq. I'd say have at least four so everyone can have two and then seconds. And then more in cupboard just in case. Same for everything else and tell your DH to be more polite and make sure everyone gets their fair share!

To PP saying OP hadn't made enough food:

His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate

OP said it was "handful of people," so we don't know how many people she intended to feed.

He's "very overweight."
He has to be served dinner like a child, otherwise he eats everything after his family have served themselves once.
His family is forbidden to discuss his eating habits or weight issues.

DH (a.k.a "Augustus Gloop") has the problem.

However, I have no advice. If you are not "allowed" to discuss a problem, there is little you can do to solve it.

@DamnYankee read the full thread. OP explains how many people,how much food and what her DH ate. Even if he hadn't eaten anything it still wouldn't have been enough to have seconds.

I'm confused at people saying I under-catered, particularly as someone who always over-caters. This was just lunch. This was not a all-you-can-eat-buffet situtation. Had I loaded everyones plate with 1.5 chicken pittas, 4 types of salad- with extra carbs in them and crisps and 3 desserts, it would have looked ridiculous.

I understand that some people probably opt for more bread or chicken over salad etc, but it really was just 3 people coming over for lunch. It wasn't supposed to be a huge feast. The only reason I dished the food out was to give people a choice of not having every single salad on their plate and to avoid the spread of any potential virus.

Also, SIL has had a gastric band and can't eat a lot anyway, my DM never eats much because she's always fidgeting and finding other things to do. My brother again wouldn't eat a hige amount. I knew that the people I was catering for didn't need tons of food- this was evident. The only person who over-ate was DH. Had I put more food out, he'd have hoovered that up too anyway.

Zero sympathy. This has nothing to do with your Dh and his supposed greed. You broke the number one rule of hosting: you either underestimated or are incredibly tight and mean.

I always have tonnes of food at our parties and bbq's
and would be horrified if anyone was hungry.

"Party" is so far removed from what this was.
It was
Myself
DH
DC
DM
SIL
DB

6 people. Us included. Following government rules. 2 hours in our garden to share some lunch together. Nothing special. Just to spend time together.

Surely you undercatered though if one person having a little more than their "share" meant that there wasn't enough for others?

People have really taken this out of context. I am known for over-catering. This was a small lunch for a handful of people for 2 hours. Seriously. This was not supposed to be a big celebration buffet. I won't bother commenting again after this, people seem to have made their assumptions and that seems to be it.

So for all 6 people their was 9 chicken breasts, 9 pitta bread, different types of salad, a bowl of crisps & desert. Crikey that is hardly anything, how could anyone even expect their to be seconds? I imagine they would all have gone home hungry either way.

What is it with grown adults being unable to put enough food on their plate at the start? Is anxiety about different foods touching each other really a thing?

DH had 2+ chicken breasts, 3 pittas and 2 packets of crisps.
That is NOT a lot of food for a large man, packets of crisps are tiny these days. Is he supposed to go hungry in his own home?

You are being very controlling with food and totally unfair on your DH.

@Ludicruss you had about 6 chicken breasts between you,the child , your mum,SIL and brother. Your SIL barely eats and so does your mum according to you. So where did they go?

You are right, he is greedy and it must have been very embarrassing. The sneaky way he hid indoors until he was able to help himself is also very unattractive. I would have let him have it both barrels when the guests went home - or possibly even in front of them if it was family.
Hope you find a way to discuss it with him as it seems he can't be trusted to hold back, even when you have guests.

Bloody hell people really do make up some shite and put words in the OPs

*mouth.

There's an awful lot of narrative some people have added with bugger all supporting evidence.

So "you're known for over catering " and your OH still manages to eat ALL the leftovers and guests left with very little or nothing?

Are you really known for over catering, or do you consider yourself to be over catering?

After all you think your lunch was more than enough if not too much.